There will come a time in your life where some relationship you have with a good friend, a parent, a spouse, or a significant other may break, dissolve, and fizzle out. Things like lack of communication, mistrust, lack of reciprocity, and betrayal may be at the root of your relationship failure and you may very well feel the need to uproot this person from your life and move on, and you have every right to do so, but sometimes, probably more often then not, it is worth it to try and repair the damage because life is, as they say, too short, and living with never ending anger and hatred for somebody can often create rot in your life rather than the other way around.
1. Understand why you want to repair this relationship
Maybe you're tired of being angry or having someone be angry at you. Maybe you want your dad back in your life before it's too late and he's gone from this earth. Maybe you want to forgive rather than forget. It's important to identify the reasons behind your need for this person back in your life. You should know in your heart that you are willing to do what it takes to repair the relationship on your end, and you shouldn't do this if you're trying to do it for someone else.
2. Recognize your part in the relationship break down.
It is so easy to blame everyone else for everything that has happened in your relationship, but relationships are give and take. You may be feeling hurt and broken about the way things ended, but so may the other person. Man up or woman up and take responsibility for your role in the break down. Write down all the ways you messed up, and make real strides and efforts to atone or apologize for them.
3. Shut up and listen.
Often times you heard a rumor or so and so told you this or that about the other person, but you never took the time to really give them a chance to explain or try to understand their feelings in all of this. So shut up and listen instead of just trying to say everything you want to say. Communication is effective when both sides of a conversation are heard and understood, not just if you or they talk talk talk.
4. Learn to let go
Yes, this person has wronged you in some way. Yes, they should be working towards fixing what they can fix in your relationship and vice versa, but if you are telling someone you are willing to forgive them, forgive them and let their actions speak louder than their words. Bringing up the same things over and over and over again means you haven't forgiven them and you haven't moved on and you or they won't ever allow the relationship to move forward. Forgiving doesn't mean they just get to skip back into your life, and you should make that abundantly clear. Forgiving means that you have accepted that they are human and have made a major mistake and they and you will need to work together until the trust and the relationship is back to where it should be. It doesn't mean holding it over someone's head forever and making it impossible for them to ever recover from their transgressions. You must let go and give them a chance to work back into your good graces, or you them.
5. Outline a plan for active recovery
Once you know the problems and the reasons why your relationship failed in the first place, don't just assume since you're back together, you never need to do anything else about it. Make plans for active recovery. Going forward, you need them to do what? They need you to do what? What are you committed to doing so that this doesn't happen again. Do you need counseling? Do you need more time to spend together, etc.
6. Allow time to heal
Yes, you have recognized your faults, and you have apologized, or you've both done so and you're working on your relationship, but have realistic expectations. You cannot expect that the next day, the next week, all will go back to life as it once was. The relationship is broken for a reason and it needs time to heal. Give the other person the time and space they need, not that you think they need and on the other hand allow yourself time to sort out and deal with your own issues and problems. As long as you and the other person or persons are still actively involved in fighting for your relationship to work, then there is always hope that things are moving towards a positive direction.
*And finally, here is the fine print. There are some relationships that cannot or should not be repaired. Ones where abuse, violence, or someone becoming a danger to yourself or others in your household can become much more than any person can or should handle on their own. If you are also at a stage in a relationship where you have done all that you can do and have given the other person several chances, the truth is, the only way someone can repair a relationship is if they are willing to try and if they refuse to do that and repeat old behaviors, you truly do deserve more in your life than someone unwilling to help restore your relationship. There is also the other side of things. Often times it is you who has given their all, but the other person simply won't budge or forgive or go get help with you. You also have to learn to let go in this way if the other person doesn't want anything to do with you. Sometimes that is the hardest lesson of all to learn and one you should take to heart and try not to repeat going forward in future relationships.
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