Family & Friends

How To Deal with TOXIC Family Members


You may have done pretty well for yourself all year avoiding certain family functions, living in another state or country from them, or not picking up the phone, but now that the holidays are on approach, you may find yourself having to deal with toxic family members who's job it seems, is to devastate your life. It may not even be holiday related, but rather you having to deal with toxic family members that live with you or whom you have to see quite often.

How To Deal with TOXIC Family Members

What are toxic family members? These are the family members you quite literally dread having to go and see. You purposefully go out of your way to avoid them. These family members often disapprove of you, your lifestyle, your kids, or your relationship in someway. They may constantly bully you and put you down, especially in front of others. They may use you for everything you're worth, and expect you to keep giving.

They gossip about you constantly in a negative way, and tell everyone everything about you, embarrassing you, and trying to put you 'in your place.' They take everything personally, and constantly seek to get revenge on you for even the tiniest things that other people would simply apologize and move on from. They seek to control your life in every aspect and when you don't comply, it's hell. Your dealing with these certain family members makes you so stressed out, anxious, and often times, physically ill.

How To Deal with TOXIC Family Members

Coping Strategies

1. Talk to them face to face

Pull this person aside privately, away from the rest of the family, maybe even *gulp* take them out to lunch, so you can talk to them about your situation and your feelings towards them. Some may literally be clueless about the way they've been treating you or the affect on you. Don't go in with blame and accusations, like "you're just a horrible b*tch," because many people won't respond well to that even though you're totally right. Instead use a calm steady voice (you need that because you're talking to crazy people here) and give real world examples like, "at Easter, I'd been working really hard to lose fifty pounds, and when I said that I'd done it, you told me that I was still fatter than ever. If I told that to you, would that make you feel good? We're family, and we should be supporting one another in our accomplishments, not putting each other down."

2. Set Up Strict Boundaries

Toxic family members may think they have the last word and authority on everything, but they don't. This is where you grow a backbone and you stand up and let them know point blank, a few things. From now on, for example, if they want to come visit you and your husband in your home, they don't get to talk down to him. They don't get to tell you how you should run your own home. They don't get to disrespect you or they will be asked to leave.

And much like telling a kid, if he does something bad, they aren't going to get a treat, if you want the outcome to stick and to let the toxic family know who has the authority, you better stick to what you say. The minute they start in on how your husband isn't good enough for you or whatever, escort them to the door. They may kick, get mad, scream, threaten not to come back (yes, oh yes, please threaten me with that! LOL), but you have your boundaries and when they are crossed, they no longer deserve your time or the respect you are trying to show them. These boundaries are non-negotiable.

How To Deal with TOXIC Family Members

3. Stop them in their tracks

Your cousin starts a conversation with you about how well he's doing at his firm. He asks you what you are doing, and you say, the same thing as last year, you are teaching at the local high school. His response is to immediately talk about how you'll never accomplish anything in a job 'like that,' and how everyone in the family thinks you're going to be a failure...and then he's off to list everything terrible that he thinks about you. Mid sentence if you have to, cut him off, go get some pie or go walk off to talk to your other cousin who's totally supportive of you, and don't come back. It's like dealing with an online troll, except this one's face, you can actually see.

Don't feed the trolls. You didn't sign up to have someone talk down to a job you love and that enriches the lives of others or whatever the insult is related to, and it's not your cousin or anyone's place to try and make you feel bad...for being happy and fulfilled! The conversation ends, immediately if they have nothing pleasant or at least constructive to say.

4. no...No...NO!

If you're used to people pleasing and wanting or needing to be liked all the time, many toxic members get under your skin and start to abuse this relationship by using you or manipulating you to do what they want and then get pissed off or complain that you're not doing enough when they don't get their way. Say no. Keep saying no. They need to borrow some money, they need you to come over at 2am to help them with something, they want you to clean up their mess, even though you're extremely busy, they want you to host a party on your dime.

No. No. NO! The reason you get taken advantage of is because no matter what, they know you will say yes and you will do what they want and you'll give no resistance, but it's time to seriously get over that, and learn that you don't have to do something just because someone asks even if they are family. They will play the guilt card. They will whine and cry, but you've got a life to live...that is your own, and you can't do that if you are constantly having to deal with their sh*t all day everyday. What's there to feel guilty about...that you have other stuff you need to do and goals you need to accomplish in your life? Nah.

How To Deal with TOXIC Family Members

5. Control the conversations

You know that your grandmother is super critical of you and everything you do in your life. Avoid dipping into anything that has to deal with her incessant need to analyze and critique you. Talk to her about her love of sewing and how you tried out a class inspired by her. Talk about your new puppy. If she does start dipping into how she thinks you need to dress a certain way or go to a certain school, change the subject to something else more light hearted. "University is a good school grandma, with great forests around it that remind me of the time Jackson and I took a road trip up into the mountains. He and I were lost up there for like ages with only one candy bar between us. We had to..." Keep diverting, and staying on topics that don't revolve around you having to defend yourself or your life choices.

6. Call them out

It's easy to allow someone in conversation to goad you into feeling bad about yourself or putting you in defense mode, so turn the tables on them. An example of this is in action would be say when your brother asks you for yet another loan, and you refuse, and he automatically turns whiny and starts in on how you have that nice job and all your resources trying to guilt you into giving him the money, even though you've given him three other loans which he's never paid back. You might say something like, "You're trying to make me feel guilty here Tim, and I won't be made to do so simply because I have a nice job that I work hard at.

You have a job that you've been doing well at Tim, and if you keep doing well at it, you can work hard enough to pay me back for the three other loans I gave you which I've been generous enough not to ask for the money you owe me back." Point out to them that their strategy isn't working. The guilt trip, the crying, the hysterics, the calling in of other family members to gang up on you, etc. Toxic family are used to getting their way and using manipulation, but once you call them out, repeatedly if necessary, they'll get the clue that you're immune to it now, so it's pointless, much like the parent who ignores their children's temper tantrums and doesn't give in to them. Also once you get the hang of it, it can be an extremely powerful tool to free yourself from their constant burdens.

How To Deal with TOXIC Family Members

*If all else fails*

You've tried to confront them calmly, you've tried setting up boundaries, you've tried to be the bigger person, you've tried controlling the convos, you've tried calling them out..and you're still at your wits end because they refuse to change...this is the point where you need to make one of two decisions.

*End the relationship: if these people make you sick, sabotage your life, fill you with far too much stress, and they won't change, have that last final heart to heart, and let them know, you can't do this with them anymore. You've tried to work with them, but they refuse, so let that be it. You can leave the door open by saying if they want in to your life again, list the ways YOU will allow them back in, but other than that, it's better for your mental health that you not interact with them anymore. It may be you literally walking away that shows them how bad they've been to you or they may stay that same old person, whereby you need to do what you need to do so you can live your life without their darkness sucking you in.

OR

*Accept them as is: They are jerks, they are horrible people, they will never change, but you just can't free yourself from them, then know them for who they are...they are selfish, rude, horrible, whatever, and compartmentalize them as such. Know that you are accepting that you will just deal.

***

You know, more than anyone else, how difficult it can be to deal with these people with the added pressures that they are and forever will be, your family, but no one deserves someone treating them like crap all day everyday, simply because they exist. Before I even suggest ways to cope, be aware that some people willfully refuse to change, adapt, or recognize that they are wrong or treating you poorly.

You may say and try all the strategies listed, and they may have zero effect, or they may last a little while, and then toxicity in that family member may rear right back up again. Regardless of whether they are family or not, some people in life, stay nasty, stay bitter, stay angry and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that about them, so don't view it as a failure on your part if nothing works, but rather recognize the real type of person that they are, incapable of compassion, change, or perhaps even love for their only family members.

How To Deal with TOXIC Family Members
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