Their House/Home, Their Rules - How Does That Make Sense?

[Anonymous]

I hear people say this to their kids all the time, or even people my age will say this; like if someone complains and they're living with their family. I think saying this makes no sense at all, and is stupid. After all...

Just because you live there doesn't mean they can tell you what to do, or should. It doesn't make any sense. Even if you don't pay rent, it doesn't matter. You're still a person.

If it was a rule about what you can do inside their home, like the basic politeness and clean up/housekeep rules, or how late you can use something of their's, like their car, those would absolutely make sense. But telling you what to do in your personal life, or how late to stay out when you're over 18...what does your personal life have to do with them paying for anything? It's your life not theirs, and has pretty much no effect on anyone...unless you act crazy and bring crazy people over.

I think it's so disrespectful to say otherwise. It's taking advantage. Like if older family or friends stayed over at so and so's house or place for a few months, would anyone be saying they should pay rent? Or be telling them what to do in any way? I really don't think so.

So why is it OK to say that to someone, just because the person who owns the house/home is their guardian?

My older family actually agrees with me by the way. They wouldn't break my boundaries like that. They have tried to in the past but...they got over it and even told me they were wrong. They were just venting and didn't care anyway. And my other not immediate family feel the same way pretty much. I didn't know it was common for people to even feel otherwise towards their kids before.

I think it's a shame that adult children have to live with people, who will say things like this. Makes absolutely no sense.

I mean even at like 16+, no one really tells anyone what to do, as long as they don't act wild or anything. Their house/home their rules yes, for their property! Not for people. What about parents who don't work, their spouse should be able to tell them what to do?

Edit: I wish everyone had read the whole thing, the first few paragraphs even. I did change that one paragraph to include in-house rules. I'm saying, telling someone what to do in their personal lives, isn't the same as a house rule...I wanted to reply to everyone, but this happens to me all the time and it's annoying. No one ever reads the whole thing or even half of it...

[btbc92]

Its still their house, therefore it is still their rules. It doesn't matter if that person is over 18. There is a limit that they can do as adults in ones house. If that child or person cannot respect their rules, then they should not be living there. Period. End of story. That is how it would be in my house for anybody, even if I did have children and got married.

Parents don't have to take advantage of adult children. They may be young adults, but they are still that person's child. As long as the rules are reasonable, it should not be a problem. Parents have that right by default. But parents also must be a role model and modeled citizens that children can relate to and respect as well. This is why I always tell people to save up and get their own place. Parents don't need to be rude. But children still need to remember that they are still called to honor their mother and father in all things. But when you have parents that were disobedient growing up, the children are bound to do the same. And if you have a family that is defiant and disobedient, its the same structure and chaotic environment that can easily become toxic. The key word is respect, no mater what the age or stage in life.

[MrOracle]

The reason is simple: when they own the house, and are responsible not only for paying for the house, but also for maintaining it/improving it and have liability for anything bad that happens inside, they're allowed to make rules and set limits of what happens.

Don't like the rules? Get your own place.

Authority is balanced by responsibility. If you want more authority over yourself, you need to take more responsibility for yourself. It's really that simple.

You don't get to force someone else to take responsibility for you and then wield their authority - it just doesn't work that way.

[Wonderer89]

Sorry, but I completely disagree. Authority and respect go hand in hand for me, if a request is reasonable (and that can be a broad term) it should absolutely be adhered to when living under someone else's roof. You're still a person, absolutely and that gives you the right to leave if you don't like those terms. Parents aren't responsible for their children past a certain age, and part of their job in raising them is to instill rules and boundaries as these apply in the real world when you leave. Renters have to abide by landlords and rental contracts. Employees by their work policies and banks with mortgage terms. It just continues on and on and when you don't like those rules you get off your backside to better yourself and move into something that better suits how you want to live. It's the same with moving out - you live by the house rules your parents or elders have set because it's their house and they are allowing you to live there, whether rent is paid or not.

Even going to someone's house, if they ask you to take your shoes off - you take your shoes off! It's respectful and it's their home. Just because you see a rule as arbitrary and annoying doesn't mean there isn't a particular reason for why they want it done that way

[myTake Owner]

Yes, that's what I said too. You can tell someone what to do in your home and rules... of course! But not in their personal lives.

[Wonderer89]

If one of their rules is be home by a certain hour then it does impact your personal life

[mwin2030]

Really? You're kidding right? This is done all the time. You live in this country or that and you have to follow rules, because the country you live in says you have to live by those rules or you will be punished or you can leave and go to another country if you don't like it.

The same holds true at the state level, or at the county level, and it holds true at the home level as well. If I'm the one who owns the home and you're living under my roof, and therefore under my suffrage then you have the choice to live by the rules I set, or be punished if you're under 18 or you have the choice to leave if you're over 18 and establish your own household and live by your own rules and choices. It really is as simply as that. It is not stupid, it is the way of the world.

We are all dependents of the country we live in and therefore have to abide by the rules of that country or we suffer the consequences of our choices not to abide by the rules, and the same goes for living under someone else's roof and in their home. It is their home... not yours. It doesn't matter that we are all people. You can either choose to abide by the rules or seek your own path somewhere else. Again, it is THAT simple.

It is not disrespectful to have someone tell you to abide by the rules while you are living under their roof, it is MORE disrespectful NOT to abide by the rules, just because you want to live freely under their protection, the protection of their home, and eat at their table, but then say I'm just going to do whatever I want, because I'm a person and you can't tell me what to do.

That's a fantasy and one people have to wake up to. Otherwise, again, as I was saying, if you want to live by your own rules and not by mine then you have the free will to choose to leave and make your own way and under your own rules, and the same goes for any country you live in. If you don't like the rules, then leave. Once more... it really is that simple. That's my bottom line.

[kellyg83]

i completely get you. if you're under 18, you still have to go by the rules because you're not an adult yet. however, my 48 year old roommate like to throw this in my 44 year old roommates face about her kids. no offense, it might be her house, but she has no business telling my 44 year old roommate how to raise her kids.

she also likes to pull the same stunt about the bathroom because she doesn't want us in their at certain times of the day. sorry, but you are the one who allowed 5 other people to live with you in an apartment that has only 1 bathroom. are you kidding me? we do have to use the bathroom.

[myTake Owner]

Great examples!

[kellyg83]

thank you. it's very annoying and causes a lot of tension in the house.

[Anonymous]

If you're a kid, you do what they say. If you're legally an adult, and you want to act like one and have no house rules, then move out and be an adult.

I don't care how old somebody is. If you're living in my house, treat it with respect by not coming in at all hours, treating it like a hotel, not doing enough chores. And if they're not my kid and an older relative like you mentioned, then yea, same for them, they won't be coming in and out of my house like that. It's my home, and it's not changing how it's run because of one person.

I agree with giving older kids freedoms, but if they're living there, they need to live how the rest of the family lives.

[Fathoms77]

If you're under 18, you're a dependent, and if you're not working and not contributing anything to the household, which requires a massive amount of work and energy to maintain, you will ABSOLUTELY abide by the rules of the owners. It'd be outrageously disrespectful otherwise, as they are essentially taking care of every element of your life.

If, however, you're over 18 and you're contributing - rent, chores, whatever - it becomes a more complex issue.

[frozenhorizon]

I completely disagree with you, in fact I feel the exact opposite.

Because when you're under 18, you didn't ask you live there. You do not have a choice, even if you wanted to do your own work and make your own effort to live alone you literally can't because you have to go to school and nobody is going to employ a kid in a full time job.

However once you're an adult, then if you're still staying there it's your choice...

[Fathoms77]

@frozenhorizon What difference does any of that make? You're being cared for, entirely, and it's all the more critical because you can't really survive on your own. Don't like it? Leave, and see how well you do.

That's like saying, "I didn't ask to have you for parents so I don't have to listen to you."

Really can't get much more immature than that.

[frozenhorizon]

And I agree with that statement, I don't think it's related to maturity. It seems logical to me. The parents had the kid knowing that the kid would be dependent on them for years, they're entirely responsible for providing that care for those years and the kid owes them nothing for it. If they weren't up for that they shouldn't have become parents.

[Fathoms77]

@frozenhorizon The child doesn't OWE them anything for 18 years of care and protection? Are you nuts? They owe EVERYTHING. I'm not talking about money, obviously; I'm merely talking about respect. The very least you can do, because you can't really contribute in an effective or practical way (rent, house repairs, etc.), is give those people some respect. The least you can do is follow the rules of the house and chip in when you can.

[myTake Owner]

I agree with frozen. If you choose to have a kid, then that's your own choice.

I wasn't going to argue in the comments since I felt like people didn't read anything I wrote, but since you're like a top guy on here I can't resist. Here's a copy paste:

f it was a rule about what you can do inside their home, like the basic politeness and clean up/housekeep rules, or how late you can use something of their's, like their car, those would absolutely make sense. But telling you what to do in your personal life, or how late to stay out when you're over 18... what does your personal life have to do with them paying for anything? It's your life not theirs

Like if older family or friends stayed over at so and so's house or place for a few months, would anyone be saying they should pay rent? Or be telling them what to do in any way?

[myTake Owner]

*If xD and so... what you do in your personal life, that's got nothing to do about what you do in house/home, see?

[Fathoms77]

Um... never said anything about personal life. Was talking only about respect.

[myTake Owner]

That's what i had wrote in the mytake, I knew no one really read it.

[myTake Owner]

*I and also, it's funny no one replied to any of the examples I gave xD

[Anonymous]

I can understand that, but I still live with my parents and I'm almost 21 I work and go to school and such I don't smoke or drink or any of that. But does that mean since I still live with them, do you still have any say in what I wear or how I dress or who I date no matter how big the age gap is. I understand I still live with them but at some point in time I want them to let go a little bit. I always thought as you get older it gets better but apparently that isn't the case between my parents and I.

[Anonymous]

If you want to be independent in every way then do get your own place and do what you want. Nothing wrong with that. But you do have to follow the rules that go with where you are staying run by someone else, be it family home, school, work, country etc. If you don't understand this then you're not ready to be a grown up.

[frozenhorizon]

I agree for kids but not for adults living with their parents. As a kid you don't have a choice about whether you live there or not so it does seem important that the rues are collaborative / democratic.

Once you're an adult is pretty much your choice if you want to live there or not so I think it should depend on whether you're paying to live there. If you're not paying to live there as an adult, then you should follow their rules... if you don't want to follow them you can leave.

[mjz00]

hey loving this question, making me think a thousand things to say with no disrespect i would appreciate knowing your age range? if you dont mind... xx

[myTake Owner]

Sure just scan over my name!

[myTake Owner]

Oh, loving the Q? This isn't a question.

[myTake Owner]

I don't believe I said scan, just look at my comment with my age... bleh. This new site layout reminded me of other sites.

[mjz00]

mmmm isn't a question? so why is it ok? point... creating such a troublesome subject is it not a question? to stimulate ones mind to respond? was that not your intention then? surely it wasn't just your vent off with no intention or desire for a response on here?

[NJ_Casanova]

I think that is what bad parents that don't know how to communicate with there kids say. I've had ultimatums given to me like that and I ALWAYS do the opposite of what they want.

Saying that is the easiest way to drive a wedge between family.

[Thisperson98]

The parents aren't preventing them from doing anything; they are just saying if you don't listen, you will be kicked out.

[Rissyanne]

You can always move out if you don't like it

[PT1911]

By that logic, let's just get rid of parenting

[Adigelunar]

goood

[MissSakura]

good take