warning. This is a long take. Yes im aware. No you dont need to tell me. If you won't read it, dont comment.
When it comes to people, real life people of course, I am very hit and miss with who im okay talking to.
Not very often that i find a miss, but you are always one or the other. Never somewhere in between.
Now its happened that I've met someone i knew only online, liked them well enough from the text based conversations we'd had, as friends, but when we finally met face to face for lunch one day, i instantly regretted having ever spoken to them.
They were fairly attractive, and were polite, always funny in our text conversations and even more so in person. A natural joker who knew when to be serious.
They should have been a hit.
But when i met them a wave of unease washed over me and i spent the whole time talking past a lump in my throat and an itch to leave. Id met a miss.
Today was my second shift working at the local hospital, im a caterer serving the evening meals to all the patients. One of those hospitals where 14 patients is considered busy. Least stressful job I've had so far.
A patient i met only yesterday told me today that he's leaving. Being sent to another town for another doctor. He was pretty upset about it.
I realised, although all id ever said to him were "heres your dinner" and "would you like a drink sir?", i was upset that he'd be leaving. Not tears worthy upset, just a little down.
He wasn't all together an attractive man, about forty/fifty years too old to even be considered attractive to anyone my age, no teeth so his speech was a little garbled. And i dont know his personality from that of an orange.
But I was unusually comfortable around him. Of course i spent only a total of possibly a single minute in his presence, in my anxious state (new job and all) i was actually calm those seconds i spent serving his meal then later taking his dishes.
There was a girl in one of my classes back in school, i didn't like her from the start. Hated being near her, as such my seat ended up on the opposite end of the classroom. Had never even had a conversation with her and i couldnt stand being near her. The day i finally did have to talk to her i figured out why i felt so horrible in her presence.
She was a right stuck up bitch whos every move was crafted from manipulation. Her single goal i worked out, was to become equal with the "popularity" and "sex appeal" of those chicks from that movie 'Mean Girls'.
One more example. Just one. This ones a mite more personal and did have some shitty results.
So when i was a kid my mother fucked off. Skipped state. Ta ta see ya later. Nine years later i meet her for the first time since, her and her partner.
Now, in the nine years my mother was gone, id set her on a pedastool in my head. With every bad word someone spoke about her, i would raise that pedastool higher so my image of her wouldn't be affected. My mother became God in my eyes though she seldom ever called.
So when i finally met her, at all of fourteen, i did everything i could to prove to myself she was as great as id imagined.
She didn't live in the big house she told me she did, she lived above a pub in a one room apartment.
She wasn't doing well on money like she told me she was, she could afford only to take me to opshops. (I have nothing against those but there's always that limit)
She drank and smoked and didn't attempt to be interested in the movies i wanted to watch and criticised my music taste.
At first i was wary around her partner, but so determined was i to keep that pedastool from crumbling, i forced myself to like him too.
Wasn't a hard thing to do, there was no basis from what i could tell that i wouldn't like him. He doted on my mother and me, never raised his voice, was genuinely sympathetic and caring.
He was from all aspects that a fourteen year old knows, a good person.
A year later my mother moved a few towns away from me and i was determined to live out a dream of mine. In that year since id seen her i had romanticised the whole thing in my head. I forgot about the drinking and the smoking. I forgot about the one room apartment. I forgot my unease around her partner.
So i moved in. A few months after my seventeeth birthday i finally found out why i hadn't felt okay around the guy mum was with.
He sexually assaulted me. And i moved out again.
I've not ignored that gut feeling ever since. If i dont feel comfortable around someone then i won't go near them. I got burned once, and it could have been much worse, im not going to let that happen again.
People here can talk about personality and looks all they want. I dont care for either of those. If i feel even slightly uneasy in your presence, i can tell you then and there i won't be around very long. you'll be out of my life as quick as i can make it happen.
However if i do like you, then as long as you can put up with me you have just made a pretty good friend.
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