Why I Forgave My Abusive Mother

[Anonymous]

Hello. This is a bit of a gloomy subject but I thought I would share it and maybe this makes me feel a bit better.

My mother has a very quick temper and didn't like me messing up when I was a kid. If I was misbehaving she would immediately beat me up, throw heavy things at my face/body, punch me in the face, tell me I'm stupid and fat and ugly and need to go die. This went on for about 8-12 years. A lot more I won't get into because it is too graphic.

However I have chosen to forgive her, partially, not fully. Some stuff I can't forgive, and she has never apologized for most of the things she has done except for one instance which was very very violent.

1. My mother is very loving towards others

I mean she isn't a bad person, but maybe she just wanted to push me and didn't want me to end up spoiled. So I think she was maybe hard on me because of temper and pressure, but towards others she is always concerned and trying to help them, especially other people's children.

2. She did a lot of nice things for me

For a long time when I wasn't the best at school, she would say a lot of mean things and refuse to hug me or show any affection. But now she is nicer to me, says less negative things and hugs me and supports me. She drove me to school every day, and she would always brush my hair and prepare my lunch for me.

3. She is now a better person

She is much nicer to me, it might have to do with me being better at school than I used to be, but regardless she is now more helpful and tries to help me through my depression.

4. She had a lot of problems

And still does. She was physically abused by half brother of hers a lot as a kid and had a lot of issues growing up. She also still has lots of issues and mentally ill siblings and other family members to deal with. So there was always a lot on her mind.

5. Nobody is perfect

Yes it is a over-said but it is true. Moms are just humans who want the best for us, and sometimes the pressure of being a mother can get too much.

[lumos]

Forgiving her (if even partially) is very big of you. And it's nice to hear that she's not treating you as badly anymore. But be careful. Don't excuse all of her behavior with "oh she has also been abused, she has had a bad day, she's stressed out, she feels pressured". Because it canl easily become a mantra for you whenever she takes it too far. Please know that even though she's your mother, she doesn't have the right to do whatever she wants, and if you in the future ever feel like you've had enough, don't feel guilty over wanting to cut ties or distance yourself from her. You don't have to accept or forgive her behavior.
This might seem like a redundant question but have you ever tried to talk to her about it? Have you ever explained how she makes you feel? Have you ever asked her why she really does these things to you? You'd think that she, as a victim of abuse, would understand what it feels like and would never want to inflict that sort of pain on anyone else, much less her own daughter. If you can, and if you feel safe, maybe things could get better if the two of you started openly talking about your issues.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are making excuses for her, she is nice to you because you are doing better in school? A parent’s love should be unconditional. So proud that you are ablw to forgive, but don’t forget what happend and your worth isn’t determinend by what you do and do do, you are you regardless and worthy. I understand that we have our problems as individuals, and your mom might had had a lot of issues growing up but it doesn’t justify it, she should seek counselling from proffesionals, isn’t there somebody you can talk with about all this?

[Purple_Babe14]

Preach

[curiousnorway]

I wouldn't be able to forgive people behaving in that way, so it's kinda impressive you managed to do it.

But that doesn't mean what she did is your fault or her background justify her behavior. She should seek help and deal with her anger in other ways than hurting people. Her parenting skills aren't very good and a good parent would love their children regardless of how they're doing in school.

Parenting is difficult and is a reason on why I don't want children. I'm a too impatient and self-centered person, so I doubt I would be a good parent. I wouldn't beat children, but if I was too exhausted I may end up not giving them enough attention. That's also child abuse.

[BigJake]

Good for you. It's tough to forgive when someone we trust hurts us intentionally. And I do believe that most abuse is very intentional. But parents have their own problems. Many of them actually shouldn't be parents, but we do the best we can to survive it all. I hope the world opens up for you after this decision. I know it's no fun being angry and bitter inside every day.

[Purple_Babe14]

My mother grew up with an abusive mother she tells me about it all the time, and my aunt had to go through the same thing so she's abusive to her children. My mother always says God is the reason she didn't end up like her mother even though her sister did. I remember one time my aunt saw my little cousin's report card (THIS IS BEFORE she kenw my little cousin had ADHD) so my aunt saw the report card she started screaming at my little cousin and repeatly slamming her head again the wall. Keep in mind my cousin was only 10 years old. Anyways God wants you to forgive, forgiving someone is mostly for you. You need to heal without this dragging you down your whole life, but at the same time, DONT excuse anything she did to you. Wrong is wrong, there are no excuses for any type of abuse, weather its mental, physical, or emotional. You can say no body is perfect but you dont have to be perfect to know not to beat your child. My mom forgave her mom ( my nana) but at the same time they're never gonna have a close relationship, no matter how bad my nana wants it. She apoligized a lot over the years for all the abuse my mom and aunt had to endure but it took awhile for my mom to even be able to tolerate her.

[Salsacumbia]

You are one very strong young lady. Yes forgiveness is a huge part of our life to do for when someone hurts us badly and to continue with our life peacefully. i know i have to forgive for me only so i can continue with my life and not carry that truama burden and angry in side me...
I am so proud of you, i dont know you but you are a survivor of physical abuse by someone who is supposed to be the most caring woman figure in your life. Get couselling and talk about your past and it'll help you over come from your physical abuse and although its hard, i know you can do it, bc i believe in you.
You are incredibly beautiful in your soul, and continue with it. Many hugs to you. X.

[JMghow]

My grandfather is a forgiving person. He forgave his abusive mother who stabbed him with a fork (among other things). He has since cleaned another man's shit off the floor because he was blind and apparently blind men can't feel if their ass is on the seat (the same blind man called his brother too stupid to be dumb, while both did work to fix his house). He just cancelled Thanksgiving with us and spent it miserable with my father and stepmother who did nothing but complain about the meal and be grumpy. I, however, quit forgiving people. I quit working for that blind man, and disowned my father and stepmother after prolonged abuse. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and am enjoying a wonderful life free from any assholes other than myself (who I happen to like). Forgiveness may not be much of a virtue for me, as people who say it is good mostly just mean it is good for you to keep forgiving them so they can keep abusing you. Be careful what choices you make.

[E_xotiic_Kiss]

Your a better person then I am - O would never ever be able to forgive my mom if that's how I was treated ( the no affection hugs ) I do understand my mom wasn't affectionate at all, never hugged me came to ANY school event grauations parent teacher meetings, I think thats one of the reasons I don't like being touched, but I do know the cycle has to break and that broke with me I make sure I cuddle and love my daughter and will never miss a school event!
In sorry for the things your mom has done and its amazing you cam forgive her good for you girl!

[MarkRet]

My father was kind of like that. He took the old 'spare the rod, and spoil the child' thing pretty far. I even did a Take on him. He was usually a sad and fearful person. He's been dead for decades, and even though I've largely forgiven him, those memories can still make me sad.

[MlleCake]

Forgiveness is really about you and when you're ready to put the past behind you and move on. It's something you do for yourself.

I hope that things are changing for the better for you. You may find that you feel resentment toward your mother later in your life. It's not wrong to recognize how you were hurt.

[MementoMori_]

Forgiveness isn't just good for the person you are forgiving, it's good for you. Holding a grudge is bad for your own health and for your soul. It takes it's toll on you over time. If for no other reason, you should learn how to forgive people for your own benefit.

Also remember, life is short. And you never know what someone else is going through in their own life that made them the way they are. Everyone, even mean people, have their demons.

Forgiveness sets you free.

[DublinRollerGirl]

Good points.

[DublinRollerGirl]

You got to get away from toxic relationships no matter what the relation. Either you are really dumb or an angel of mercy.

[Johnjohnny]

Well said pet! Xoxo

[lovedejj_xo]

My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive... I’ve partially forgave her as well we still don’t really get along we tolerate each other... but I know now what she says doesn’t define me and she has her own shit she never figured out. I won’t be like that so forgiving is key ☺️

[LeoElias]

You are strong. Stronger than me. If my dad gave me a full blown punch in the face out of no where and knocked me out cold. I wouldn't talk to him for years. Of course my dad would never do that but if he ever did I would definitely not talk to him for a very long time.

[passinby]

You were probably dealing with a bipolar mother because believe me I know and been there done that. I was living on my own at 13 if that gives you a clue.

[Philyouup]

I am very sorry for how your mother treated you. She is obviously struggling with some form of mental illness. You should seek help yourself you sound as if you had some trauma as well

Ignore those assholes that replied. Nachowedgie is particularly cruel to so pay no mind to the heartlessresponses.

[PossiblyInsane]

Makes me happy to know there are people out there to forgive and forget, at least in part. It was very big of you to overcome that. I don't think I can ever forgive my parents, and I admire that you can.

[Jee_Willikers_]

That was beautiful and I completely agree. Me and my father have had major issues my entire life. From little things to major no no’s. But in the end we are all broken people and he’s changed a lot so I’m working on forgiving him slowly.

[John_Doesnt]

It sucks having abusive parents. Both mine were abusive and now they're dead. It's weird: I'm happy their dead because I hate them, but I'm upset because I'll never be able to resolve the hatred I had towards them.

[Cornputer]

Forgiveness will let you heal. Proud of you. I could never forgive.

[Purple_Babe14]

Same

[Anonymous]

My mom is abusive and I Will not forgive her I don't Think I ever will. I would never hurt my Children like she hurt me. And she acts Nice to others with her mask because she lacks empathy and she wouldn't really care if I died

[CubsterShura]

I don't think if I ever would have even held grudges against her. Just the idea of being so mad at a parent that they need to be forgiven is beyond me. I got issues with my mom too.

[Johnjohnny]

I like your logo! Xoxo

[CubsterShura]

Logo?

[btbc92]

Thank GOD for you. Only a loving heart can forgive the unforgivable. Jesus did for us. Continue to have a meek heart.

[candycanehearts]

Omg ik she is your mother and she was abused too but she shoukd be in jail! Or at least a hospital she sounds mentally sick