Why a woman doesn't want her male family members choosing her boyfriend

OK, it may seem obvious to you that a woman wouldn't want that, but a 31 year old native-born American woman recently wondered aloud here on GAG if she should do that. I don't know how serious she is about that, but this Take is about explaining why it's a bad idea.

Disclaimer: The woman in question is an ex; however, I'm looking at this from the perspective of a guy she'd potentially be matched with and her own as well.

1. Western guys are simply not accustomed to it

When I was a young adult, I experienced three cases of a male relative trying to hook up a female relative of his with me, and not just for a date- it was for marriage. They were all Asian (Korean father and daughter living in the US, Filipino co-worker whose niece lived in the Philippines, and Chinese classmate whose sister was still living in China). I wasn't single at the time anyway, so it was a moot point, but I remember feeling pretty uncomfortable about it and feeling bad for these young women who apparently couldn't choose a partner for themselves. I talked to them so they wouldn't lose face with their relatives, but made it clear to their relatives afterward that I wasn't single.

This isn't something a guy will feel comfortable with.

2. When it is not part of a prevailing cultural norm, it makes the woman look undateable and unmarriageable

Why a woman doesn't want her male family members choosing her boyfriend

A guy is going to wonder why your male relatives are doing this and why you aren't looking for a date online instead. He is going to wonder if there are some underlying reasons why you can't find a partner since women your age get flooded with attention on Tinder and other sites. Besides, what kind of guy is going to go along with this matchmaking?

3. Perception of controlling family members

Why a woman doesn't want her male family members choosing her boyfriend

Whether it's accurate or not, it is an indication that your male relatives control your life and that you are not your own person making your own decisions. That is a dealbreaker for most guys, and certainly includes ones your age and older.

You also want to get a person that you want, and how can anyone else really know what you want?

Furthermore, it's also a really unattractive situation if he has to play fourth fiddle to your kid, your other family members, and your friends.

4. You aren't a young, childless woman

Why a woman doesn't want her male family members choosing her boyfriend

Even in the societies and communities where this sort of matchmaking still occurs, it is generally not done when the woman already is a parent, it's done when she is a young adult singleton, and often a virgin. Furthermore, this sort of matchmaking is on the decline even in places like India where it is a longstanding tradition.

Truth is, a single mom is a much more difficult dating situation than a childless woman. It must be a much tougher sell in a matchmaking situation.

5. What options are out there that you couldn't find yourself?

Why a woman doesn't want her male family members choosing her boyfriend

You live in a tiny town in a rural county. Who would your father know that you don't? Someone he works with? Your brother lives hours away. You don't want a long distance relationship and not too many guys would move to your tiny town to be with you.

Why a woman doesn't want her male family members choosing her boyfriend
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Most Helpful Girls

  • My aunt tried doing this to me. With her coworkers nephew I think he was. I had been single at that time for 7 years - because I wanted to mind you.
    I remember her saying "hes rich, he can take care of you. If you want to go to the Us he can fly you in his private jet. He has maids so you'll never have to cook. You'll love it!"
    I met up with the guy at starbucks. wasn't attracted at all but went to save face. As we talked it just confirmed what i already knew. He continued to brag about his money and how I won't have to do anything, I asked him a simple question "would you make me breakfast in bed one day" he replied "no i dont know how, the maids do that" "not even toast and jam?" "No"
    As rude as it sounds i got up and walked away.
    My aunt was furious when she heard. But it just goes to show you your relatives dont know what you may like or want
    Is this still revelant?
    • That could be different if you would relay a good idea of what type of husband you would like to have. They were guessing and trying to find the easiest life for you instead of the best.

    • @Ganta2Igarashi oh they knew. They just ignored it and said I didn't know what I wanted

    • aaronbw

      I don't claim to know your family at all, but I've heard of similar situations before and it sounds like they were thinking more about dollar signs.

    • Show All
  • DovahKittyLady
    I don't want anyone to hook me up.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Guys

  • To me is a question of how much she trusts the judgement of them. Can't say I've seen family members selecting mates for other family members, but I think I could pick some decent candidates for some.

    "Truth is, a single mom is a much more difficult dating situation than a childless woman. It must be a much tougher sell in a matchmaking situation." I don't agree with this, it may be true for some, maybe majority... but it isn't true for me nor true for others I know.
    Is this still revelant?
    • You must not have any kids. Kids get sick, babysitters get sick or become unavailable for sone reason, teenagers have relationship problems, kids need help with their homework, have extracurricular activities, want attention. etc.
      Rare is the single mom that has so much support and/or such well-behaved kids that it's seamless.

    • And everyone has to get along.

    • true, I don't have kids unfortunately. In each case I've had, it added value to the relationship, not subtract. They were added value... but also good quality people I learned to enjoy presence of.

      A male relative didn't have kids, he took on 3 kids from her. Works very well as he bonded with one with common interests. His wife plays the mom roll well and he just supports. I can see how there can be new stressors, problems for sure...

      Maybe this is'n't typical, but point being, there are success stories.

    • Show All
  • SlightlyEccentric
    I certainly wouldn't hook up my daughter with someone. I'd let her choose but I will still want to know that the person who is dating my daughter is genuine and not a wolf in sheeps clothing.
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • btbc92
    What? This is not the reason male family members don't have a say in who she dates or hookup with. This happens because people choose partners that are not for them and they want to do what they want. I have no qualms in letting somebody know they have to meet my parents first. No, most guys don't want to see the parents because they KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEIR DOING. And that's to turn their daughters into whores. Those kinds of men are red flags! A real man goes see her parents and wishes to establish something in her life. Period.
    • I'd like to be sure I understand what you mean by meeting the parents first- does that mean before getting into a relationship?

      I have no problem meeting friends and family once we're a couple. I have met the parents before getting into a relationship, but I don't think that was planned by her.

    • btbc92

      It can be before or during dating. But definitely BEFORE becoming exclusive. It is better to show that you are not just respectful, but responsible and is serious about their daughter and not see her like some fling. It's very sad to see so many daughters go to their fathers and are proven to be incompetent to be good judges of character or fail to judge because of hypocrisy. It's either whore the daughter for men to mess with, or protect your daughter and she'll forever be scorned. I just found out from my father that some sicko called a woman's father and then murdered her in front of him on facetime. That's why you have to be careful who you give involved with.

    • btbc92

      Plus most parents and male family members wouldn't be worried in the first place if people have done things the traditional way, the right way instead of all of this mess. Many couples don't even introduce dating partners because they assume marriage will happen. And many fear that. It shouldn't be feared. The guys just want to bang and then walk when it doesn't go their way.

    • Show All
  • DizzyDesii
    I dont mind being hooked up. He just has to be cute to me, sweet, and respectful. I grew up around guys so i often asked their opinion on my crushes anyway
  • davidj555
    Wow people actually try to tell girls who they should date?
    • This woman actually suggested having her father and brother find someone for her. I think she'll get the same results even if they do.

  • _SOARER_
    They shouldn't choose, but they should definitely meet this man and decide if he is worth or not.
    A good father wants his daughter to be secure, happy, and to make grand-kids.

    I hope if I ever am blessed with a daughter, I can guide her to the right man, and protect her from the bad.

    I read it and couldn't help but think she is doing the right thing. Wish she would have done it sooner.
  • Gedaria
    It sounds like you are something to be controlled. I can see to protect you but this seems more worse. Sadly I have no help, you are a slave to their wims...
  • BrittBratt2416
    A lot of people just don't like being set up cause they want to pick and choose.
  • TruthIs
    Well, since it's been left to the women, fertility rates are down and divorce rates have skyrocketed.
  • BrotherFrost
    After a certain age, it's a must. Right now i don't want anyone setting me up. But if i come to a certain age and if i had not fond a wife yet, i'd most certainly accept any help i can get.
  • kespethdude
    6. The fact that it is absolutely BARBARIC.
  • kim45456
    If they know my taste in men, why not
  • Most men would pick strictly.
  • pizzalovershouse
    good post 👍
  • Interesting take
  • lovelyboy85
    some girls have small tits
  • MensBest
    Good write