How can I deal with almost never being invited?

tallandsweet

I thought I had finally found some friends.

The history

There are mainly four girls in my class that I really like and who I invite all the time.
Ever since the first holidays in this academic year (October) they haven't visited me anymore. Before that, they visited three times in total, which I think is not a lot because they're usually here and they could usually make time. I invited them every other weekend since then, and in the winter holidays I also made sure to invite them for every day, I suggested activities we could do together (e.g. sledging) and was very happy when one of the girls said we could spend New Year's at her place, together.
I was just getting out of a friendship that ripped me apart when it ended.
A day after Christmas, something bad with my family happened and I still don't know why.
Hence, I was in a very vulnerable place.
Unfortunately, it didn't work out because she got sick and I spent New Year's in my bed.
I grew more and more frustrated, and as I always do when I'm getting over something bad, I picked up a new hobby, namely taking long walks and hikes. I invited the girls to join me and offered to pick them up 40km away but they don't want to.

The situation

Today, we were walking to class when a teacher stopped us to recommend the two girls I was with some books about Paris for "their trip". I was very surprised they hadn't told me and asked them when they were going, they smiled at me and responded that they'd go between exams.

I had asked them whether we could go away on holiday during this time, which is why I was fairly disappointed. I do think that I have anger issues, and I also felt the rage boiling up inside me, but I contained myself, breathed, listened to the rest of the conversation and then told them that I was disappointed, sad and angry that they hadn't even asked me.

I should add that they know that I won't be on a proper holiday for at least three years now. Probably five, due to my future studies.

Two of the girls will move away, to other countries, which is why I would've loved to have a summer together (not the last one, the first one; we never did anything during the holidays either because everyone's busy). I love Paris and though my French isn't as good as theirs, I love doing everything they like too, they mainly want to visit museums.

After telling them that I was angry about them not asking me, they didn't apologise or say anything really, they just stuttered until I said that what hurt me the most is how they hadn't even thought about me in the process of planning the trip. They then shouted at me that this isn't true, but I just walked away from them because they kept repeating that sentecnce and couldn't bring any actual points to the table.

Why I'm still mad

As I mentioned before, they never invite me at all, so we can't be friends, right? We're just people who happen to hang out at school, and even there they don't invite me to get food together for example. It really hurts me and even after telling them, they didn't apologise.

All they said was "Yeah, we really need to do more together outside of school".

I've been trying and I'm so sick of it, all I want to do is cry and drop out of visiting the cinema together later (MANDATORY FOR SCHOOL because OF COURSE we wouldn't even go if it wasn't mandatory).

I REALLY want to go.
I REALLY want to go.

Any advice?

My mother said that I should ask them if they want me to join but I feel like they'd be forced to say yes and I want an honest answer.

How can I deal with almost never being invited?
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Most Helpful Girl

  • sensogal
    You cannot change other people or how they feel about you. But you can try to change yourself. It looks to me that you want to control them and make them friends. And you get upset when they don't feel the same way. You tried being friends by inviting them and if they don't reciprocate that's not a reason to be mad.. By being mad you are only driving them away. The trick to making friends is to be cool and to not overthink things. If I were you, when the Paris trip came up, I would have said something like 'OMG, that's great ! I always wanted to go there. Can't believe you didn't tell me!' with genuine excitement, thus showing them my interest in this activity. Most people would invite if they are opened to become friends. If they don't, it doesn't matter. You also mentioned that you had another friendship ending, indicating to me that you might have to work on yourself. This is my guess based on what you've said, plus it looks like these girls never deceived you into believing that they want to be friends. Relax, be cool and you'll have lots of friends
    Is this still revelant?
    • Thank you for your response.
      I don't call people my friends unless they are, and after having them tell me for three years that we are indeed friends, I started believing it. nobody deceived me.
      I talked to them about it and they explained it to me, they didn't want to hurt me and apparently there are only apartments for four people in the city. Staying at a hotel is not an option.
      I'll be nice in the next couple of days, maybe they'll invite me, we'll see.

    • sensogal

      Good luck! And it's ok if they don't invite you. You can and will find other friends that suits you more :)

Most Helpful Guy

  • scooogy
    I've been invited to a birthday party like five times in my life so far, but I'm okay with that as I became a lonely wolf meanwhile.
    Is this still revelant?
    • For me it's zero times but tbh I didn't miss out. Never really celebrated it, proud of my parents for saying no to capitalism.

    • scooogy

      That's sarcasm now, right?

    • No, I mean it

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

811
  • spuitkaas
    Reading this hurt me, because I was literally you in highschool. I had these fake friends who would partly bully me and partly be nice to me, but I wasn't really their friend. After a while I left, was alone, but at least it was better than being bullied. I learned how to be more contempt with myself. Later I had a lot of new friends because my energy changed. Now in Uni I have no problems with friends. To be fair, a lot of things became better in uni so maybe just wait highschool out and hope for better times in uni.
    Some people smell desperation and can't stand pushing. The key to friendships is to be confident in yourself that you are interesting and have things to say and to have other things going on in your life so having a friendship with one person is not your sirect priority. With many things we've been taught that if we try harder, we get what we want. Not the same with friendships, because other people don't want to be pressured or guildtripped in hanging out. Ofcourse this is hard to achieve, but first look at yourself (not too critically) and then start again with new people. Just leave these girls.
  • Shark_61695
    Ah, the story of my life... when I was at school and university I'd often be forgotten and not invited to anything. Usually it was parties, events or other group activities, I'd never be invited on a one to one basis.

    If I heard about a party (I'll just use party as the example) and asked about it, I'd be told they just hadn't considered me at all and invite me along. I was apart from many groups, accepted into all of them but never considered part of any.

    This continued throughout high school and university, possibly even when I was at work and has left me alone and miserable as i gave up trying. I stopped putting the effort into forcing friendships and decided i wouldn't make the first move anymore. I now have no friends and I have deleted my contacts on Facebook because after party pics and stories just made me feel worse.

    I don't have any advice but you are not alone in how you feel and I hope you can find a group which will think about you as part of the group, not just an extra.
  • _gigi18
    I'm guessing you're nice to everyone so I'd think about dropping them and hanging out with other people. They don't consider you as a proper friend. I get exactly how you feel because I feel the same way sometimes. Since I'm on a team and I talk to everyone in school I could hangout with other people if I felt left out of plans or unwanted.
  • Primrose21
    People who never cares about ur feelings don't deserve a spot in your life. All the comments here suggesting to confront them are wrong. You would just end up looking desperate in their eyes. Nobody wants to be forced into doing something, plus it would just rub salt to ur wounds. I suggest forget about them and find another friends. Forcing yourself to them is pointless. Always remember that u dont have to force yourself to people who truly cares about u.
  • SydneySentinel
    It doesn't sound like they want you around, which is a crummy feeling. I know it hurts but don't keep getting drawn to the flame-- it will only hurt you more. The right people will not only enjoy your company but will jump to invite you with them. (And personally, I wouldn't want to waste money on a trip with people who didn't really want me there.)
  • VenomSpitter
    It'd be better if you asked them in a non-confrontational manner why you were left out. Example say something like "Sorry if I sounded angry but I've never been invited anywhere before and seeing it happen again I just wanted to know if it was something I said or did". I am alone in this life because I never asked why I was always getting left behind or ignored, now I have no friends anywhere. Don't make the mistake I made. It'd be better if you knew their reasons.
  • EYAD_14
    You should leave them they don't deserve you as they don't seem to care about your feelings... you could have a conversation with them to express the feeling of anger in you, see what they have to say but don't expect them to have a sad reaction or regret for what they've done ( I'm sorry to say this ) because they don't seem to really count you as a member of their "group".
  • Agape93
    Hmmm perhaps ask them honestly and not confrontationally. Like for example,
    Hey amber can I talk to you about something? Ok cool. I feel left out as I’m never really invited anywhere. Just to alleviate my anxieties, can you tell me if it’s because of something I said or did?

    Something like that
    • Itsme1999

      This I really good advise I believe! 👍

  • ghost_101
    I use to have the same issue then I started staying at home watching YouTube and sleep and enjoy my alone time. Maybe it’s made me a bit anti social now but at least I won’t be let down by others. If it really bothers you just straight up tell them. Otherwise you could just forget about them find new friends or start spending time to yourself
    • Already did that, but I’d like to have more friends

    • esova

      Tallandsweet honestly if someone treats you like you're invisible then you're wasting your time. Real friendship would be people who look out for you just like you do. If it's a one sided relationship then it's not going to work. Both sides have to put effort.

  • Jjpayne
    It for sure says something about how they feel. I'd be more interested to ask why did you not invite me and when can we see each other next. Is be curious to see how they respond to that
  • DWornock
    It is based on popularity. Pretty girls are invited. Fat and ugly girls are not. You get invited if you are the best at something such as sports. If you can run a mile faster than any other girl in your school, you will be popular and get plenty of invites.

    No matter how much they try, most girls are not pretty, nor do they excel at anything. Therefore, they have no value and don't get invited.
    • Judging from your other posts, I feel like you don't feel too great about curvy/fat girls. I'm neither fat nor ugly, I've been scouted twice before as a matter of fact. I'm really sick of people giving crappy advice without even trying to tackle the root cause. Do better next time or let it be, thanks for sharing anyways.

  • Snakeyes7
    This might not be your cup of tea but my thing is video games.

    Whenever there is a long stretch of a blank calendar, I just play a really long game to keep me occupied.

    Books work too if that’s more your thing and they cost much less than video games for sure.
  • opnbuk59
    First if so try looking you to the point that you are good with being by your self, and never ever beg it allow yourself to get upset or Fridays because some one dissent return your invited they are not your friends no one should ever have to go through what you did to be a part of or hang around anyone if you don't feel comfortable included with those you associate with walk away you don't need that negative attitude from them please don't ever ask anyone why true friends need not explain themselves their behavior towards you says all choose your friends wisely associate with those who have a genuine interest in you and what you are about and please don't ever follow the crowd you are an individual person with your own thoughts ideas sometimes we must be alone rather than being hurt just to be a part of, you are better than that if some one dosent make you feel included you don't need to be there it's not worth the emotional baggage ok 🙂
  • lightbulb27
    this could have been handled better if you managed yoru emotional response of rejection better.

    Approaching things with "up" positive energy is much more successful than throwing a guilt trip at them and then askign them if you can join.

    I don't think it's appropriate to intervene like that. It may be ok to ask if you could go for some time, but at this point, I think it's messed up. Ideally, you'd apologize for going off and be glad for them they are having fun. and then see your response.

    maybe reality is... you don't want to be with them anyways... and there is somethign else, or better.

    I felt like this once when my friends were talking and I was left out. I get the feeling. But it was a bad issue, private and had nothing to do with me. I was glad when I found out what the issue really was. You need to reign in that emotional response... find it, deal with it... it's yours to resolve not theirs.
  • esova
    Honestly don't force it. It's not a real friendship if you're always looking for them and they never reciprocate.
  • SamirahD22
    Well do u ever show up when invited? Do you interact and try to get to know people or do you keep to yourself? Are you shy? Are you drama? Do you gossip? That all comes into play
  • BlueFlame14
    They are clearly not your friends. Stop hanging out with them and find friends that actually care about you
  • DiscomfortZone
    I would say stop bitching and self-victimizing, instead try and realize what it is about you that makes people not want you around.
  • Liam_Hayden
    You need to decide for yourself, but in that situation I would find better friends.
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