How Mothers Do Their Own Damage to Our Children

[ManOnFire]

As a society we often still want to place blame on fathers or the lack of fathers for why our kids have issues or grow up to have them. And in reality that is neither fair or accurate. We forget that there is also another parent in the picture who is or can be responsible for the way our society’s children turn out and how they grow up to have their own problems and inner issues…..Mother.

Putting blame on fathers

Jon Mayer is a great musician, and I love his music, mostly his older stuff and particularly his album Continuum. But I honestly have to say I somewhat blame his song “Daughters” for the way society took off wanting to add more blame to fatherhood after the song came out in 2003. It was an enormous record hit about the importance of a good relationship between fathers and daughters and how a failure to causes women to have emotional problems and bad relationships with men. This song literally became the gospel about women having issues because of their upbringing with their dads. So heavily at the time that the media started trying to highlight good father-daughter bonds on sitcoms and TV dramas, and even Diane Sawyer literally made a whole ABC special about the importance of father-daughter relationships, even referencing Jon’s song.

Ever since “Daughters,” society has gone on to maintain the idea that if a woman is messed up emotionally and has repeated bad relationships with men, it’s because of her poor relationship with her dad. Then the term “daddy issues” circulated and became solidified in our perception of these types of women, but it also now has come to be an explanation for men as well with their own inner problems in adulthood or their failure to have a good relationship as well, although having “mommy issues” has been attached to them for this more.

Mothers are not off the hook

Do I think a woman’s bad relationship with her dad can affect the way they perceive love from a man and how they go on to have relationships? Not entirely. Blaming fatherhood for almost everything associated with our children’s upbringing is simply the easiest way to explain things and an easy way to not have to put responsibility on our mothers.

In spite of all the poor fathers out there who have failed to have a good bond with their kids or failed to be there for them at all, you still have mothers in the picture. And by trying to excuse them of their own failures or lack of doing well with their kids is basically saying the father is the parent, not the mother. Even when a woman is a single parent, she is still responsible for her kids and how she raises them, regardless of how society wants to blame absent fathers for why kids turn out the way they do. They still have one parent, their mother, and she has responsibility as well.

How mothers do damage to our children

Sometimes it’s actually better if a father is absent and the kids either don’t know him at all or have seen him very little. This is especially true if the father really is a terrible guy or simply a lazy no-good. It would be better for the kids to never meet him or just not have exposure to that whatsoever. But when they do, there is now the potential for them to grow up being awful people themselves unless their mother’s influence was a lot stronger on them.

And then other times, what moms do causes trauma, dysfunctional relationships, poor perception of self, and difficulty moving through life over all. We praise women and their maternal image to excess, completely disregarding the failures that many mothers have and what messes kids up. We have tons of single mothers out there who bring toxic boyfriends into their homes, and these guys will control her house, or beat and rape the mother or their daughter or both, or the mother gets high on drugs with him all day while the kids are neglected.

We also have a lot of other single mothers who are plagued with borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, are bipolar, or have other mental and emotional demons, and so these women don’t even really know how to be a mother but think they’re doing okay, and to other people she can appear to be doing okay to them as well. They’re either extremely controlling to the point where they don’t even let their kids out the house, abuse them physically, mentally and emotionally, or just have downright derision and heartlessness for their own kids. And then other mothers have no mental or emotional issues, they’re simply cruel and just hate their kids, wanting to love only their sons and be combative with their own daughters because they’re jealous of them and feel that their daughters are more beautiful or are something they wish they were when they were young. Or these mothers hate their own selves and so they exude all that on their kids.

And don't even let me get started on the waves of young adult mothers who are so angry about having a kid because they were irresponsible and let some guy knock them up that they neglect their kids and literally act like they're annoying insects that should be swatted.

Some people still try to make excuses for bad moms saying that they are the way they are because of the relationship with their own father. Or maybe it’s because of the relationship they had with their own mother too? Other excuses are that these mothers are toxic and messed up because they were sexual assault victims at one point, or suffered from domestic violence. It could be. But at some point a sense of responsibility kicks in and you have to realize that you can’t treat your kids like shit because you never wanted them, because someone didn’t want you, or because of whatever trauma you faced in your own past.

What all this does to children

Toxic parenting from mothers is no better than bad dads. And it hurts kids no less - if not more. It is ten times more destructive to live with a dark, toxic mother than to not have a father around. If dad isn’t there because he’s a deadbeat who doesn’t want to be, then you’re not missing anything anyway - in fact you’re blessed to not have to put up with whatever demons he may bring into the family too. But when you do have a mother who’s there but destroys your soul, you will wish she wasn’t there either.

Women who have bad/loveless relationships with their daughters produce girls who grow up to have no love for themselves and who have sex with men who don’t love them either. Women who have bad/loveless relationships with their sons produce boys who grow up not understanding what female love is, and who either don’t know how to love or act with women, or all they do is sleep with women for sex and leave them broken afterwards. Women who are toxic with their kids even when a father is in the picture, are still doing damage, and sometimes the fathers are weak and afraid of upsetting their wives for stepping in, or the dads have the lazy attitude that she’s mom and she can handle it.

Mothers are responsible

Either way, whether dad is there or not, how she does her part as a parent will still affect the kids too. We try to blame a father’s actions or lack of presence for everything wrong with our society’s children, but parenting takes two, and a mother’s actions and duties are not excused.

[CalmMind]

I'd be curious to see an honest statistic, it's nearly impossible since it would self reported, on how many fathers aren't there because the mom won't allow him to be there. I grew up without my father and didn't find out till I was an adult and put my mom on the spot that I found out she kept me from him. She apologized and we've mended fences but I still am learning how to be a man at 35 because of this absence, obviously less so now than 10 or 15 years ago. Having met him he's not perfect. He can be a bit of a dick but there are a lot of other lessons he could have taught me, primarily having to do with standing up for myself and willing to be in a state of conflict to do what's right. Lessons on how and what it means to be a man, that no woman on the planet has the power to teach a boy, I now have to teach myself by surrounding myself with the men I'm friends with who did grow up with fathers in their lives few in number as they are.

I think a big motivating force behind this is the propping up of single parenthood but especially single motherhood (only because it's more common) as a good and powerful thing sans 50/50 equal parenting. When we hear that someone is a single parent our first response should be akin to: that's unfortunate.

As a father who is now divorced, I know that it's hard for a parent to not conflate the relationship woes they've had with the other party's ability to be a parent. My ex is a TERRIBLE wife, but she is an excellent and giving mother and thankfully the kids didn't have to go through that.

[ManOnFire]

I know men like what you described too, who never knew their dads and are still learning about manhood. Thanks for sharing your story.

[SkyCastle90]

You hit the nail on the head.

My father never left, but his presence didn't make a difference since he was emotionally unavailable and too immature to do anything. What caused me the most pain is my mother. She has bipolar disorder that she refuse to acknowledge or treat; so not only was she manic at random times she was constantly quitting her jobs, abusing OTC drugs, etc. Even worse she was abusive, bitter, stubborn, and angry. Here's a sample, this woman told me I'll grow up to be a whore, I was 9 years old when she said this to me. Now she's older and wants to pretend like the past wasn't that bad, fuck that bitch.

I'm in my 30's struggling to love myself. I recently found out I have bipolar disorder (sadly, it's genetic) and PTSD, but I'm getting therapy/medication and making sure I break the cycle of abuse. I absolutely refused to have children until I get myself sorted out first. Thankfully, I found a wonderful man who accepts me and my problems; he even supports me on my mental health journey.

[ManOnFire]

Wow, she told you you would grew up to be a whore when you were 9? That is really awful. I know other women your age who are in the same emotional situations. Society would rather pass these women off as having "daddy issues" instead of acknowledging how their own mothers fail them as well.

[crossdressingrihno]

My mother was bipolar and schizophrenic and a whole bunch of other things like a whole lot of other things she had a long list of mental problems then to add to that when I was a baby she had cancer up until I was about five years old I think she eventually survived the cancer got completely cured of it but she was a horrible person to me.


My mother let her family treat me pretty much however they wanted this included throwing sand in my eyes or literally hitting me with rocks. There were times where she would threaten to kill me or beat me till I was near death. She didn’t really hit me very often but that was mostly because she was lazy however the thing is because of her mental conditions she never remembered any of this like she would threaten my life and the next day not even remember it as if it never happened for her and Whenever she got mad at me And I got scared she would ask me if she ever hurt me or threatened me and I would just say no because I didn’t wanna get hit more than I had to. I was also never actually taught how to do chores I know this sounds dumb but it’s true like when my mother was on a screaming rampage saying I wasn’t using the broom properly or whatever she would teach me but she would also do so while screaming an inch away from my ear while also verbally insulting me with profanities and various other things.


Sometimes I would suffer from anxiety attacks and my mother would make fun of it to my face and she did so frequently and it wasn’t nice it really wasn’t nice and I’d also cry and she would threaten me if I cried and that wasn’t fun I didn’t like it at all but that was my every day life unfortunately. I had heard a lot about the foster system and was scared to go into the foster system so I just told people I was fine I didn’t need to go into the foster system but I could deal with everything on my own and that my mother wasn’t really that bad but actually there were times where I was afraid for my own life not that that’s a big deal or anything.


One day my dad broke up with my mother and literally had to run away and of course she threatened me more and literally worked me to near death and then she tried to kill her self and I had to live with my aunt for I don’t know how long And disturbingly my aunt hated me like a lot but then my sister picked us up and sadly enough my sister was a lot like my mother so I wasn’t really out of the woods by the way my sister was a full grown adult had a husband and child by this point and I was 13.


During the time when I was living with my sister and mother my mother came up with this really interesting threat because my niece had a dress interesting Mickey Mouse doll and my hearing wasn’t exactly the best at the time because I don’t know and anyways I heard the Mickey Mouse doll and literally said it sounded like the spawn of Satan now my mother is incredibly religious and threatened to grab me by the d*ck and drag me in the middle of the street and beat me Needless to say I hated my mother like truly and there wasn’t a thing she could do to make me not hate her.


Fast forward a bit in my mother moved out Of my sister’s home and into an apartment and then my mother set the apartment on fire in her sleep and I saved her life yet again because this is not the first time I’ve saved her life However I unfortunately regretted saving her life because she blamed me for the fire she literally accuse me of burning the apartment down and then somewhere in that my sister started calling me an arsonist and saying I tried to kill my mother and my mom ate it all up eventually I was able to convince my mother that I wasn’t a Serial killer!


Fast forward and my mother died of an infection while in my sisters care the infection was a urinary tract infection and do you most likely to malpractice probably on my sisters and my mother had died. However that’s OK because I celebrated that truly did I was dancing singing I broke into my dad‘s liquor and had myself a good old time to this day I barely even cried about it it’s been over a year and I said a lot of mean stuff after her death and I still do Because until the day I die I shall spit on her grave.




I have a lot of issues one of them is the fact that I am not afraid of death I will put myself in mortal danger for any cause I believe in even if that causes simply getting to Walmart five minutes early. I also became a major revenge junkie and developed a weird complex where I hate child abusers to such a degree that it’s actually kind of creepy. Due to my relationship with my mother I now also hate being anywhere near a church like it’s this weird thing right where anything religious makes me very very angry I cannot be around any form of Christian symbolisms otherwise I get mad very mad not that I hate Christians or Christianity just that I can no longer be around them due to association with my mother and her family because they were incredibly Christian and had crosses and bibles everywhere.






Moral to the story is if you abuse your child doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman if you do it your child is going to hate you to such a degree They will gain a euphoria from seeing you in pain.

[crossdressingrihno]

Oh yeah another thing that might be a byproduct of the neglect Are these oddly pleasant dreams where I see myself on a table ready for dissection but I’m seeing everything through the eyes of the guy doing the dissecting and the torture begins I am literally watching myself getting tortured through the eyes of the torturer And I’m happy about it for whatever reason and when I think back on the dreams I just feel really depressed but also kind of happy I don't know

Honestly I’m doing a lot better now I mean I still get the dream and I still view it fondly but for the most part I think I’m doing better mentally and emotionally especially after my mother died.

[bennies_819]

Some parents and general don't know the difference between guidance and control. In the Bible it says to guide your children in the way they should go. And some parents take it as control everything they do so they don't do a bad thing. But what they do not understand is they're going to do bad things anyways and those bad things can help them learn that they are bad so they don't do them again no matter how much it takes sometimes it's not even the parents sometimes it's the child itself that needs to learn on their own what is good and what is bad depending on how society treat them. In my opinion I feel like parents need to learn the difference between guidance and control some parents do not understand that they are not the same you can guide them by telling them what they should not do and give them advice and not control them by forcing them to do things that they don't want to do that controlling can lead to the child sneaking behind the parents back and becoming more sneaky and more resentment to what they tell them to do. Like if you don't want your kids to wear adult clothing you should tell them and explain to them why they can't wear certain clothes not tell them because I told you to and I am your parent so you should do what I say it's like your boss telling you to go do his coffee make his coffee because he is your boss and he pays you instead of your boss telling you that he is busy and he can't make his coffee and he asked you to go get him some coffee not only does that show that you're not lazy, or being ignorant or just plain rude it shows the child that there is a reason behind what they say and what you say not just"go do it cuz I told you to" you should want to explain to them why so it helps both parent and child understand each other better. (by the way this is mostly in the black African-American and Mexican household) not saying these two races are the only ones that do it every other parent does it or some parents do it but I'm the same what I have seen and my experiences.

[CA4444]

Yes of course the mother is equally important. I have just started to realize how my own relationship with my dad may be impacting my behavior with men now. I think it does play a huge part. But your relationship with your dad has a lot to do with your relationship with your mum and their own relationship. basically a healthy relationship is not possible or missing and it’s bad…
Same for boys, if the father-mother couple is not strongly connected, the mother will invest in her son too much like if he was also replacing the missing/distant partner, this will put way too much pressure on the child and this results in ‘trauma’ or unhealthy attachement patterns And will affect the son’s future relationships with women (not in a good way unfortunately, will make it difficult for him to accept women’s emotional demand? it will in turn make it more challenging to have a strong bond with a partner and history repeats itself with his own child?).
the mother-father-child dynamic is the basis for attachement styles later in life I believe, more than trends or religions or whatever people decide to focus on. Of course we can change ourselves we are not our past we are what we decide to be.
But this is why relationships are fondamental in society, men and women managing to meet in the middle somehow

[ManOnFire]

And it's why in my own adulthood now I am much more interested in a serious relationship with someone than just a casual fling. I very much dislike evangelicals and all other Christian groups - although I am one myself - but more and more I really do see how they're right about the importance of people having good relationships, getting married, and building positive families. It really does matter.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a very neglectful parent. She was emotionally/mentally unavailable to myself and my brother especially (my older sister (7 years older) experienced a different side of mom, one that was more present). My parents divorced when I was 11 - which at the time was the age in AZ where a court allowed a child to pick which parent they wanted to live with... prior to that age, the kid would automatically go to mom, and my dad did not want that. He stayed with her long enough to ensure his kids could have a stable home with him. He worked very hard, many times 50 - 60 hours a week to keep food on our table while mom was a "stay at home" mom (she was always somewhere other than home). I struggle to this day with attachment issues, abandonment issues, depression and anxiety. I've been through therapy for all of these issues, and it has been made clear that it stems from my MOTHER'S neglect.

As a kid before the divorce, I went to school with dirty clothes, tangled/dirty hair, no lunch, etc. because my mom would rather sit on her butt, or sleep than to take care of her kids or to teach us to take care of ourselves. To be fair, she had depression - BUT, she never did anything about it, and just used it as a way to "excuse" her behavior. After the divorce, many women in the church I attended with my dad stepped forward and taught me how to take care of myself as a young lady, my dad and I worked on laundry together. He took a cut in hours at work so he could be there for us (and he was very financially responsible, so there were no worries about our needs not being met).

I greatly appreciate your take on mother's damaging their children. They are just as responsible for a child's wellbeing as their father's are.

[ManOnFire]

And thank YOU for your story.

[TransAm85]

You have described my childhood perfectly! My father really wasn't that bad of a person after I finally got in contact with him when I was about 26-27. He was just a little slow from probably doing drugs or drinking too much. My mother, on the other hand, is a very mean person and it's hitting me more now as an adult than when I was younger. My little brother w/ADHD/Autism was the golden child. My older half brother she nagged him all the time, but as soon as he turned 18, he left home. I left when I was 22. And I was so desperate to not come home that I turned to stripping and prostitution after I fucked up college and lost my last job. And to this day, my mother is almost 69, she still feels that she was an outstanding mother and provider and believes I owe her! I understand that maybe my Grandma wasn't the best mother, she liked to party a lot herself and never really wanted a child, but however she treated my mom is not my fault. My Grandma was a good influence to me. I think my mom was jealous of that also. I got along very well with my Grandma. That is sad, right? Jealous of ur own kids. But my mother will never change and I have to accept that.

[TwinTonyz]

People would ask if I felt bad about lacking a father figure, and it was an easy "no because I can't miss what I never knew." I've only recently come to know what was missing, and then came to wish for it. I think my mother tried to raise me like she thought a man would, but couldn't because she'd never known how. On those terms, she'd expect young me to figure out talking to girls, self discipline, goal setting, and moral behavior, but offered nothing in the way of guidance. There was always vague criticism and punishment, but never specifics or encouragement that anything was being done right. It didn't help that even now she outwardly hates every man who won't serve her, and I think I internalized her 'man bad' attitude and thought I was bad too.

The personality, values, skills, and experiences of a man, even in this more-progressive world, are still necessary. Having to figure those out on my own was valuable in that it helped me build my own competency. On the other hand, I've needed to learn things other men had learned in their teen years. In that way, I'm behind my peers.

[CA4444]

Im sorry to hear about your mother. I also feel like my mother was missing, at least the qualities she’s supposed to have, but that I don’t even miss them cause I don’t know what I’m missing, if that makes sense. But I also feel like, as a result, I can build myself as a women and carve my own path, instead of ‘learning’ from her

[Haha456]

did you know child abuse is most common in single mother households?

Single mothers are abusive because she is frustrated that the father left her to raise the kid all on her own.

You can claim you don't want to blame fathers all you want. But fact is single mothers go through immense stress of having to raise children and also work full time jobs. They work 8-9 hours a day then come home to continue doing housework, cook, bathe the kids, prepare their lunch boxes, check their homework, do laundry all the way until after the kids go to bed. They do the job of a mother and a father and work a full time job. They work 20 hour days.

Single mothers are abusive because they go through go through immense stress. These women are frustrated, tired, burn out, and tend to be struggle to pay their bills.

And now you still have the audacity to claim that single moms should not be off the hook.

Such single moms who take on such a noble role to work so hard to raise their kids should deserve more respect and recognition than the sperm donor who never cared to raise his kids.

[ManOnFire]

So basically you're admitting/acknowledging that a ton of single moms are shitty, but only if you can blame men for it. Narcissism at its best!👌🏾 Not to mention, most single moms are not these noble, selfless, fighters we would've known much more in the 1990s and earlier. Half of them are spending 80% of their time on Instagram and Facebook hiding the fact that they have kids and hope some guy will wife them.

Your response is an utter joke.

[Haha456]

@ManOnFire

Dead beat dads turn great moms to shitty moms. If these dead beat dads didn't leave, these moms would be great

[ManOnFire]

@haha456 Your thought process is utter weakness, and is basically saying these shitty moms are weak and pathetic because no man is there to help them. Your ideology makes your own gender look bad.

[hostboy__fastestlaps]

That's why I will NEVER date a single mother. My own dad made that mistake. My own stepdad too

[hostboy__fastestlaps]

Though I wouldn't say my mom is "abusive", just very stressed and heated and very opinionated at times

[Haha456]

@ManOnFire

i knew you were a fucking msygnist from the start.

without the hard work of single mothers going through a painful birth and busting their asses working 20 hour days of trying to raise you and feed you, you wouldn't exist today. she could've just abandoned you just like you father did at the kid's park or dumped you in the trash dumpster.

YET, you have the audacity to shame single moms. Without your fucking mom's work , you wouldn't exist. so be grateful and shut the fuck up

[Haha456]

@hostboy__fastestlaps

what if you became a single dad, would you want all women avoiding dating you too?

[hostboy__fastestlaps]

Well my grandma told me that men are different because they can reproduce at any age, and women only up to like 40, 42 the most. Basically men are like 5.7L+ pushrod V8s and women are like Honda Vtecs

[Haha456]

@hostboy__fastestlaps

men can reproduce at any age but most men reproduce when under the age of 40. because younger men tend to look more attractive than older men.

[Haha456]

@hostboy__fastestlaps

trust me, I would pick a 30 yr old over a 40 yr old man any day. Women are biologically designed to be more attracted to young men because they have better sperm and healthier offspring. By the time men hit 40, vast majority of them already have kids.

[TenderFantasy]

@hostboy__fastestlaps I would like to add that just because a man over 40 plus can have children, doesn't mean that the children would be healthy. The risk of autism, down syndrome, shizophrenia, and many other genetic disorders go up a lot after that age. Just read up on it in Meical Journals, Articles online, YouTube, etc. It's true.

I read that for men over 40/45, it takes them longer to get their woman pregnant and that semen volume decreases. Sperm motility and shape can change as well.

[Haha456]

@TenderFantasy

regardless if the kids are healthy or not, vast majority of us young women aren't looking to marry a guy 15-25 years older.

[ManOnFire]

@haha456 The only misogynist on this post is the woman who says single mothers are shitty because there is no father around. You insult your own gender.

[hostboy__fastestlaps]

@TenderFantasy "Meical Journals, Articles online, YouTube, etc" anyone who actually believes the shit those sources 'say' is retarded

[Haha456]

@ManOnFire

did you know most single mothers do not even receive child support?

[ManOnFire]

@haha456 Neither do most single fathers eithers.

[Haha456]

@ManOnFire

Single dads have it easier because they tend to make more money than single moms.

[ManOnFire]

@haha456 There are single moms making cheesy easy money with OnlyFans, escorting, or exploiting dudes with money. They’re making ends meet.

[Haha456]

@ManOnFire

Despite some important progress to change this in recent years, in no country have women achieved economic equality with men, and women are still more likely than men to live in poverty.

www.oxfam.org/.../why-majority-worlds-poor-are-women

[ManOnFire]

@haha456 Oh I'm sure, but at the end of the day it does not change the fact that there are rotten mothers, single or not, and that they have responsibility in being a parent to their child. Regardless of whether or not there's no father around, or she made wrong and irresponsible sexual choices in her youth or even her adulthood. She is now a mother and needs to act like it.

All we're doing is going in circles.

[Haha456]

@ManOnFire

I think single mothers are significantly better than the fathers who abandon their offspring. Single mothers are the only reason why the future generations exist.

[Screenwriter]

"It is ten times more destructive to live with a dark, toxic mother than to not have a father around. If dad isn’t there because he’s a deadbeat who doesn’t want to be, then you’re not missing anything anyway - in fact you’re blessed to not have to put up with whatever demons he may bring into the family. But when you have a mother who destroys your soul, you will wish she wasn’t there either."

I've never heard this idea that absent fathers are the source of family dysfunction. In fact, I've heard the exact opposite: The mother has been the negative source of most familial problems and blame has been laid at the her feet nearly always in the past 100 years since Freud, who DID have mommy/women issues.

If a father isn't present he is STILL missed, because fathers have a different yet equal function. As you mentioned, fathers are exemplars of what a man should be to daughters AND sons. The lack of this example leaves a vacuum, even if the living person is a deadbeat. It is NOT better to have nothing, despite the fact that the something was inferior and highly flawed.

And of course there are mothers who are equally dysfunctional as bad dads. They can do as much damage due to a host of issues. But it is NOT 10 times MORE destructive to have a toxic mother than to have a toxic dad. They are equally and differently contributory to a balanced, positive childhood, or a damaged, unbalanced one.

One good parent is better than none. But neither fathers nor mothers are more responsible for damaging children's childhoods and disabling their early adulthoods. They are equally necessary and provide complimentary strengths to children.

[ManOnFire]

"But it is NOT 10 times MORE destructive to have a toxic mother than to have a toxic dad."
- I said it's 10x more destructive than NOT HAVING the father around. And yes, bad mothers hurt children in ways that is worse than bad fathers. Have never heard mothers being blamed for the way our kids are, and pretty sure most people haven't either. You largely hear people saying "no father in the house" as the usual explanation for why kids grow up bad or households are a mess.

[Screenwriter]

We've had different experiences, likely because of age differences. I've heard the flip side. But I say BOTH parents are equally and differently impt. There are more households without fathers because it is appears to be easier for men to walk away. This might be a cultural, emotional thing. Going gets tough, men who might not be used to dealing with feelings and emotions tied to fatherhood and that responsibility because of THEIR less than stellar dads, repeat their fathers' failures.

And women who didn't have great mothers or supportive dads suffer just as badly. But two positive parents is the ideal. Strong male influences, not necessarily an at home dad,, but a grandfather, older brother, teacher, priest, minister, uncle, Boy Scout Master, can make all the difference in a home without a dad.

However, when women don't have mothers, their knowledge of mothering is likewise damaged. They too can get help from cousins, aunts, grandmothers, ministers, nuns, teachers who can teach them the ropes.

It's not one side or the other. It's both.

[melaniee789456123]

This is how my own mother damaged and continues to damage me:

Okay, so I might sound petty or crazy and obnoxious for saying this, but I want to start off by saying that my mom is a very disgusting and violent person that I've never been close with because she is abusive.

Anyways, I understand that I'm just a teenager right now and its normal for parents to be worried and curious about this kind of topic, but I am asking this because:

a.) I wouldn't do any intimate contact as an underage individual.

b.) I feel like its not okay for her to insist that I tell her about my intimate life choices if she was never there for me emotionally or physically when I was growing up.

c.) By intimate contact, I'm saying that she continuously tells me that she needs to know if I ever have sex with anyone, kiss anyone, hug anyone, e. t. c. and who exactly the person is (phone number, photo, description).

- Also, I would like to mention that she insists that I get pregnant by a male she chooses and have grandchildren for HER although I have expressed disliking of children and not wanting to be a mom since I was very young.

[midnightmoon05]

I agree…mothers can make or break a child/family.
I am a single mom… remarried now.
however, ex hubby and I make sure kids have share time. I also pointed out some behaviors from dad to becarful. They are getting older, they see it and they copy him.
I continue to work with them to ensure certain disrespectful behaviors are not acceptable… always love daddy… but we can learn to respect him and ourselves when we understand how he was raised.
don’t get me wrong, I married him because he is a very good guy, good father … we all have our issues… but we put the effort to leanr and change.
he was an only child, his disrespectful behavior was encouraged by his parents…

but I told her daughter, she can make the changes… hard but she is able to see it and it’s working slowly.

[ManOnFire]

You're doing a good job👏🏾

[fantasticass]

I made the choice 35 years ago to NOT be a parent. However, 10 years ago I had custody of a 16 year old girl. I met the young girl at an animal shelter where I was a volunteer. Her parents were toxic, her household was toxic and she wanted nothing to do with them. She wanted an education. She insisted she would NOT be like her family. I set up strick rules, and responsibilities she never had before. We had our battles, as she had no structure what so ever. She's now 26 years old and is a fulltime school teacher working on her degree. She lives in a different part of the world, and I understand her choices. She's grown into a beautiful young woman. I remind her all the time, that you cannot choose your family, but you can choose your friends.

[ManOnFire]

Wonderful story🙂

[midnightmoon05]

Thank you for what you do and what you have done to change her world/life! We need more of you.
One thing I would like to clarify…I say to my own children… yiu can’t chose your family (you are borned in)…not a choice… however, yiu can make the changes. And they are.
Without external help… very hard to make those changes… most follow their “parents” foot step… few get out of the toxic situations.

[Emiliamazing]

I think every parent, whether they be single or in a traditional two parent family, can easily get wrapped up in their own hobbies and pursuits, which leads to children not getting the attention they deserve. It happens in our house and we try to rectify it quickly when we realize what’s happening. The other more negative factors that you’ve listed such as drug abuse and mental health issues certainly play a role in some children’s lives.

every parent has an individual responsibility to the child, and your post is a reminder of that. It really shouldn’t be the media or social networking that calls a mother or a father out, it should be an individual in the family or their spouse/significant other. Children can certainly voice their concerns, but that’s going to sound differently depending on the age of the child.

[maximumpower]

Tell derogatory stories about them to friends and acquaintences for purpose of soliciting pity for themselves.

Tell them lies about their fathers and drag them into their divorce to be used as a bargaining chip.

Impress their fears and insecurities upon them as a means of propping up their fragile egos and self-images.

Hold their children back from success for fear that they will become more successful.

Relegate the children to a lower level of esteem/care than that afforded to their friends.

Yes - have lived through this.

[ManOnFire]

I sometimes feel that women can be much more mentally unstable as parents than men.

[MzAsh]

Most people, both men and women, aren’t ready to be good parents, and for all these reasons you mentioned. They’re unplanned and unprepared. Yet, we have all these restrictions on abortion and now there’s anti birth control propaganda starting up, and it’s only going to further this very problem. We need less of this, not more. This might sound misanthropic, but I firmly believe many parents, maybe even the majority, have no business having kids. Because they’re not being decent enough as parents as it is. They’re mentally ill, emotionally stunted, and have unresolved trauma. Many are barely hanging on themselves snd then they want to be responsible for another life? The result is everything you’ve said in this mytake. This isn’t about men or women. This is a problem much larger than gender.

[TonightYouu]

You’re the most intransigent sexist on GAG literally all of your responses to questions like this are exactly the same

[MzAsh]

Ok so don’t read it.

[art84]

My nephews mom is clearly bipolar and I remember one time she said that she never wanted to be a parent and wasn't ready for the responsibility of raising a child. I think some women shouldn't be mothers cause they clearly have issues that they never got figured out when they were growing up.

[ManOnFire]

"cause they clearly have issues that they never got figured out when they were growing up."
- Very true fact.

[EarthRealm]

We’re all responsible for our own actions and the things we say or do.
Children have a brain are capable of Advanced Thought and reasoning
Putting blame on someone else
Takes away the responsibility.
When I was a child I knew I was Responsible for my own actions and things I would say.
So don’t get your panties in a bunch and act as if children are No aware of anything they say or do.
Children learn to lie at s super young age so if they say they didn’t know not there fault it’s simply a lie a game I know because I used to do that as a child.

[ManOnFire]

Oh I agree with you that kids still have some form of responsibility in knowing right from wrong, but how they're raised by their parents/parent still plays a major part in who they become.

[midnightmoon05]

Children learned to lied from their parents.
Ever heard of “apples don’t fall far from the tree”
Most children grow up following their patients foot steps..
few…work their way out to be independent.

[TwinTonyz]

Parents can and do introduce flawed ways which don't pan out for their children. We are individuals, capable of our own reasoning, yet half of our character is developed and derived from the way our parents nurtured us. I might have recovered to a functional form, but that shouldn't enable or validate the damages my mother imposed to make herself powerful and brave.

[Anonymous]

Obviously both can be to blame. My stupid mom never let me go to a real school, could hardly be bothered in homeschooling, and almost never gave me any social opportunities. She was also too lazy to properly discipline me most of the time. Her negligence led to me becoming a loser with no skills or positive traits. She was also frequently borderline narcissistic, and now I'm not even a nice person. She's also disgusting, which is probably part of why I have gross habits now. I hate her so much.

[CA4444]

I hate my mother too sometimes… you progressively become who you are meant to be - you and not your mother’s child - it takes time, it’s the process of life, of becoming who you are

[MikeInHawaii]

My mother spent her whole life belittling and bad mouthing her children even when she had to tell gross exaggerations and outright bald faced lies to do it. I think if she had seen one of her children walking on water, she would have said we couldn’t swim.

The ultimate irony is that she couldn’t get along with her mother, acted just like her, and didn’t understand her own relationship problems.

[Anonymous]

I know a lady from college who was pretty messed up because of her mom. She went for a problematic guy in college and married him because of her low self image from the way her mom raised her. Sadly though she also raised her oldest daughter in the same way that her mom raised her.

That being said, I was lucky to have a wonderful mother and I miss her everyday.

[Subarugirl]

Toxic parents are toxic parents... the welfare and upbringing of their children are the equal responsibility of both parents, how ever society still expects women to do the grand majority of the domestic labor and child care. It would be better if that expectation to raise children were equal between the parents instead of falling primarily onto the mother.

[Sixgunsound]

It would be better if whoever was the best at childcare did it and whoever could bring home the most resources did it. I watch the kids unassisted during the day and bring home the resources at night. Thanks to misandrist court system there is nothing I can do about it.

[Sixgunsound]

Isn’t ‘progress’ wonderful?

[Subarugirl]

@Sixgunsound there are things you can do about it. It just takes effort. But most people would rather complain about the system instead of doing something to change it.

[Sixgunsound]

I’m open to suggestions.

[Sixgunsound]

Even one of the things I can do would likely be helpful.

[Subarugirl]

@Sixgunsound become a lawyer specializing in family law, advocate for equality, stick up for the little guys, become a judge…

[Sixgunsound]

I suppose that just like Dorothy clicking her heels and saying there’s no place like home, those solutions will go into effect immediately, cost free?

[Subarugirl]

@Sixgunsound nothing is free, policies that took years to go into effect won’t be changed instantly. It’s easier to complain about it than it is to actually do something to change it.

[Sixgunsound]

Nobody is disputing that, what I am questioning is your response that there is so much I can do then taking so long to demonstrate there is nothing that can immediately be done followed by reverting back to complaining about how it is so easy to complain. That is not particularly helpful or useful and adds nothing to the conversation.

[ManOnFire]

@Sixgunsound Bro, you do not have to explain yourself and don't need to prove anything to anyone.