Apologies ahead of time, for the extremely long wall of text.
This is a complicated matter, that has spanned a few years - so it is impossible to write a shortened version of it. Definitely not a read, for those that prefer brevity!
I suffer from major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder, spanning a lifetime.
My Dad died when I was a child, and I grew up in a hateful and abusive situation until my early 20s, when I managed to permanently leave it.
My adulthood has been endless repetition compulsion (unconscious reenactment of the interchangeably hateful/abusive and rejecting dynamics from my childhood, in every workplace, romantic relationships and friendships).
And most of these relationships have been scarce in my life, owing to persistent rejection.
I eventually gave up on trying to secure friendships, and went off the grid for 7 years - living in solitude (other than going to an abusive workplace). However, I somehow plucked up the courage to try to make friends in 2019.
I started to attend depression support groups, that focused on connecting people that had such issues together, to combat loneliness (and the stigma associated with clinical depression).
I met a 50 yr old woman that had similar issues of lifelong strife, oscillating between clinical and severe depression, had no friends, no social life and limited experience of romantic relationships, that were all abusive and disrespectful.
We regularly saw each other at these socials, and then started to go to dinner with 2 other women after the socials, and I was grateful to finally have somewhere I ‘belonged’.
After 7 or so months of co attendance at these events, the woman asked me for my phone number.
FYI - I didn’t ask her in the first instance, as I was accustomed to lifelong rejection - and so assumed it would just somehow end in embarrassment/some sort of negative outcome, or ghosting for me.
To my surprise, she then asked for my number and texting me - and we started to meet up outside of the depression support group.
She went through a difficult time in this era, as the other two women from the support group ghosted her.
COVID hit, and that made things even worse for her, as she didn’t have anything other than me to rely on. I was happy to counsel her, as I have had an immersive experience of the pain of this.
Over the next two years, my life continued on with the chaos that I have become accustomed to over a lifetime.
Losing jobs owing to racial abuse, other racially motivated incidents, rejection in other areas of life and many other negative incidents, applying every 2 to 3 weeks over the years. I have no family, no partner and she was my only friend.
I was grateful for her consistent kindness and emotional support - and we would speak for several hours each week.
However, I worried that she would burn out, so I said that I would understand if my offloading of issues ever got overwhelming - and also always encouraged her to share, whenever and whichsoever she needed. She often did so, and therefore I thought that we had a 50:50 friendship, in that respect.
I also took her on AEXP day trips, as means of thanks for her patience and kindness, and she sometimes reciprocated, but it was around 65:35 with efforts in this area) which I felt was reasonable - as I had more problems to offload than she did, over the years.
I was so grateful to have this nature of friendship, especially after years of low quality engagements with frenemy, types. All of sudden in 2021, she started behaving strangely.
For example, in mid conversation (that she had initiated) - she would say “NO, what kind of life do think I lead”, when I would ask her if I could treat her to day out, for listening to my issues for weeks/months.
And when we met, she would talk disparingly about me, her family and everyone in our immediate surroundings, when I was paying for the activities! (boat ride, lunch etc). It was to such an extent that the people on the boat ride asked her to stop her vitriol.
She voluntarily issued a pseudo apology at times, and I asked why she behaved that way in the first place, and she simply retaliated with “So what do you want me to say?”. Every 6 months over 2/3 years, similar incidents reoccurred.
And then near identical scenarios presented, with her initiating *AND* continuing on conversations about whatever problems/issues I was experiencing in life (of which I fully admin, were always plentiful on my side) - and then interjecting with comments such as “I don’t understand you” and “I do worry about your misperceptions” - all stated as rhetorical questions. When I would ask why she made such comments, she would send 10-12 abusive/aggressive texts in 10 minutes - and then say that behaviour this is “just asking questions”, and then disappear for 6 months or more. When I asked her why she got angry, after asking me questions about my being in therapy for longer than 2 years (I explained that this was because of the severity of my issues, and as at times i have no one to speak to, when we aren’t in contact) … she said that she found it “weird, as I had expressed frustration at my therapy not bringing about permanent change in my life”. I asked her why that was something that affected her on a personal level (i.e. to issue frustrated/angry messages in tandem, as to asking the question) - and she said that she was “simply like a child, asking repetitive questions’. Quite frankly, I didn’t understand it, or her logic. Perhaps you guys do ?
Other things that I don’t understand - was that I asked to meet with her in person to discuss the above events - as I wondered if I was misreading the tone and content of her texts.
Especially, since we had a harmonious and supportive friendship for 2 years, where she often voluntarily asked to chat (i.e which made it implicit that we understood each other).
She refused to meetup, saying she was “agoraphobic”, yet she spent some 70 hours working and commuting to her job in this same time - and many hours fortnightly with her family. She also said that she didn’t feel we had anything in common, as she said she believed that I “have a bustling social life and travel all around the country”.
This is a bizarre comment, as she knew that she was the only friend that I had to meet up with, spanning a decade, and I work for an online community owing to mild agoraphobia, crippling social anxiety and low confidence. I very rarely leave my house, unless it is absolutely necessary or to meet her. In fact 40% of our conversations tackled this issue, spanning 2 years prior?!
.. This same strange sequence of events happened multiple times over the past 2 years, with her sending random aggressive/abusive messages in mid conversation that she had initiated, and then disappearance for several months to half a year - and then re engaging me like nothing had happened, and also voluntarily asking questions about my ongoing issues.
I reminded her in this time period, that she didn’t need to feel obliged to ‘counsel’ me if she was overwhelmed by my endless problems and issues, and yet she continued on asking to speak regularly (in between disappearing for months).
And so, we continued to co counsel each other on long standing issues of loneliness, rejection, being ‘older’ with an unchanged life, etc.The last incident took place in May 2023. Once again, she started randomly sending abusive messages, gaslighting me about the content being abusive - and then ghosting me for half a year.
This past weekend, I finally ended the friendship by blocking her and sending an email that calmly explained that i could no longer engage a confusing dynamic, especially since I lived in a physically and mentally abusive home for two decades. I said that I was grateful for her kindness for some of the years - but that I felt that abusive messages, not taking accountability for that, and not speaking for (aggregate) 1 year out of the past 2 years, wasn’t something that looked or felt like a friendship to me - and as such, I was left with no choice but to part ways with her. I blocked her on my phone handset and email.
I guess you guys are wondering why I’ve bothered to write all of this, given my actions - but as I lead an isolated life and don’t have great social skills, I just ask if any of it makes sense to you, as your input would help deliver me (final) closure?
I understand that you have only heard one side of the story - and I acknowledge that there may well be something fundamentally wrong with me, since I only have 3 other (online and one IRL topline friendships) at a pretty senior age, AND have struggled with keeping jobs (always told i don’t fit in, and fired) AND romantic relationships (I’m not conventionally attractive, and tend to attract abusive users - so just stay single).
However, I have had a stable job since March and have had the x3 friendships mentioned above for 1-3 years, so perhaps things are a bit better than my past.
The friendship that I ‘euthanised’ this weekend, was one that I considered my closest friend - hence why it has been difficult to process the ending of it.
In further regards to her behaviour, she does have a history of treating others similarly.
She told me she ghosted an ex friend,and also fielded messages from another ex friend who gave her the unsolicited advice that she was “ a kind person, but a negative saddo”.
I think realistically, we both had long standing and complicated issues - but the situation and ending of the relationship does baffle me.
Thanks for your input (and for reading this far!).
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