What's the best way to tell your ex you can't be friends?

[Anonymous]

Firstly we've had NC for 2.5 months and she is dating someone else. She text me over the hols and I responded. I now feel worse for talking to her and know I can't handle friendship. I never told her at the time how much she meant to me. I don't want to be friends and just want to forget her. Anyone got tips for doing it without saying why. I don't want to tell her how I feel now as she is dating someone new and I am not comfortable with her knowing this whilst seeing someone else. Basically I want to tell her we can't be friends without having to explain why. How do I do this without coming across like a jerk? And maybe not burning future bridges?

[chris88]

My man, you have come to the right place. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to finally hear a dude who KNOWS he shouldn't be talking to a girl who kicked him to the curb. Here's the good and bad. First, the good: you did NC for 2.5 months, awesome, really, awesome. Most panty waste guys can't string together a week. And you, ust like them, were in pain, but you were trying to move on. Second, you KNOW that you can't "be her friend" or even "talk to her"...again, great that you know and understand this. Really, you can never really be her friend. It sounds like you know that, which means you have already half-won the battle!

The bad..you sound ready to crack a bit, like you are ready to spill your feelings to her. You're doing great so far, just don't screw it up. And, don't be so worried about "burning a bridge" or making her mad or whatever. This chick left you for another guy. You owe her nothing. And, her presence in your life will only bring you down. This one is simple. In fact, feel free to cut and paste my words and send them to her if you want. Say this

"it was nice to hear from you the other day, but since we've broken up, I've moved on with my life. I'm focusing on other things and people right now, and just feel it's best we don't have contact with each other. I hope you're doing great, and I've realized and agree with you that our lives are better apart. Best of luck with everything!"

You want the letter to have a positive tone, like you're doing awesome (even if you're crying into your pillow at night, you don't want her to know). Also, focusing on other things and people makes it sound like you have someone else...if you ever do want her back, this will raise her interest level and if nothing else, cause her respect level for you to go up. Also, by agreeing with the breakup, you show that you are on the same level as her, not the dumpee. it also shows strenghth that you are glad to move on. Finally, telling her you don't want to talk in a polite way..really you are heartbroken. But, you want her to think that it would be bothersome to your new opportunities to keep talking. This will zing her good. Best case, it makes her like you again. Worst case, she'll respect you a ton more. All that said, don't worry about being all nice to her. Be respectful, but show confidence. Remember, this chick is in bed with another dude now, you owe her nothing. Girls like to keep a couple of irons in the fire...like a backup plan. This is only for her ego, not for want of your friendship.

Regardless of your past, live in the now, deal this chick straight on getting out of your life, and move on. You can do it...and I strongly reccomend using the text I wrote. Don't water it down or wuss it up at all...cut and paste! good luck! let me know how it goes...

[Asker]

thanks man. I actually posted another thread about what I was thinking of sending her just now. Would appreciate your input on it!

[thetheme]

Just don't talk to her. That is the best way to let her know that you can't be friends with her. She KNOWS how you feel about her already. By talking to her about your feelings will only put her on a pedistal that she doesn't deserve from you. The best way to move on, is to move on. Don't say a word, keep her guessing, and have fun with your life. To communicate with her it just shows that you still care, and no matter what you say it will do you no favors. She already has someone else. The only reason most people want to be "friends" after a relationship is to ease off their ex slowly while they move on. During a break up most people drown in a sea of feelings, but staying in any kind of contact, being "friends", or chasing your ex helps them to shore. She already knows that she can have you anytime she wants, thus having power over you. Even if you tell her that you are moving on, deep down she will know that you haven't moved on. You should never agree to be "friends" with an ex. Why? Because the "friendship" ended when you became a couple. What kind of friendship would it be? It would be under her terms, you get a front row seat of her hanging on another guy, you become the emotional tampon to talk to when she has "problems", and it stops you from totally moving on to someone else while she gives you false hope of getting back together. Besides all that, she is secretly laughing her ass off because she gets all the commitment from you without having to commit. Unless the break up was mutual a real friendship isn't possible because there are still feelings involved by at least one of the two people. She burned that bridge, and you contacting her shows that you are trying to get to the other side where she is while you should be going the other way looking for someone better, so let her rebuild it. By the way, there is nothing wrong with being a "jerk", because most girls are attracted to jerks. I hope I'm not too late responding to you. DO NOT contact her anymore by any means, DO NOT be "friends" with her, and move on.

[Asker]

it was a mutual break up but I regretted it but it was too late.

[thetheme]

Since it was mutual, it's going to be VERY tricky because you have feelings for her and she doesn't have any for you. You are going to have to stop communicating with her and move on. She has someone else and in her mind you are supposed to be OK with that because you are a "friend" that wants her to be happy. Cut her from your life.

[chris88]

pardon my language, but f*ckin A, this is good advice. This dude knows what's up...hear him out and follow this. Never let a girl jerk you off with the friends thing...it's disrespectful to you.

[Asker]

I haven't contacted her as I only intended to if she does to me. But thanks I think for now I will not speak to her, text her and do what I can to get her out of mind again. It sucks to realize that you have to forget someone as if they never existed but I guess it's the only way to get over someone who doesn't love you back

[Ashtlll]

So why some think that its some sort of weakness if you ignore your ex all of a sudden, and not just tell her that you can't accept friendship and say you're moving on?

[Clark1236]

It wasn't actually 'mutual' it rarely ever is. If ever! The reason you regret the break up is because you got MANIPULATED into breaking with her. by definition, manipulation is being tricked into doing something that you don't want to do. The truth is, she lost interest in you, she conquered you and you lost your VALUE and now she is in control of you and your emotions. Take control of your life and cut her the fuck off. If she truly LOVED you she would have stayed in the relationship. But she didn't, and this is good because it teaches you that she cannot commit. She'll dump this next guy as soon as she feels she gained control of him too. I promise. So if you really want to cut it off. Respectfully text her "I don't stay friends with my exes. Please don't contact me. Thank you."

[Clark1236]

the moment you send off the text, you will feel exhilarated. You will regain control of your emotional life and you will be able to move on. She will be pissed and she will respond with literally anything but "okay, I respect your wishes." Don't respond no matter what she answers, it's just a response designed to spike within you negative emotions in order to suck you in to an argument and fight for your control and attention. Which she does not deserve.

[mmyers]

Just say you think it's best to not be in contact right now simple- straight to the point and don't respond to her after that.. Make it clear if that is what you really want. But I would advise not to be a jerk about it cause you still have feelings for this girl and regardless of whether or not there is a chance to get back in the future- if you are a d*** - at first you will feel great and then you will feel like s*** because you seem like a nice guy and you will feel guilty. Plus you will burn your bridges permanently. If you act like a jerk she might try to get you back for the wrong reasons. Females like a challenge and you should have someone who likes you for you not because they want to win a game and have you be their pawn . Now if she is a nice girl- it probably took her a good amount of time to get the courage to even text you and by being mean- she will feel stupid and never do it again because you made her feel like an idiot. There is a way to get your point across without being mean, and whether she is a nice girl or not - you want to come out looking like the good guy. Plus you being a jerk to her might make her feel she has power over you cause your are obviously upset. I say be honest and short- this leaves you more options. Everyone has had a sucky situation like this but it's really just deciding what you want out of it. The decision someone else made and suggests might not be the right one for you. I know I am giving advice right now but be wary of whose advice you take ( including mine). Do what you want - this way at the end of the day you were the one who made the decision.

[Anonymous]

well here's a girls point of view... seeing how you broke up two months ago maybe she had to date him to get over you. which most people do. if she made contact with you its for a reason. but okay you would like to get over her but you don't wanna burn bridges. I wouldn't say everything that guy said. that's a little harsh. and it someone had texted me that I would get pissed off. half of it is right though. if you really want to wait for to move on... then say hey it is nice to hear from you but at this moment I don't think its good to stay in contact. I wish you the best and one day I hope to be friends. all that extra stuff cut out... that way hopefully shell understand without you making her feel as it was a mistake to contact you back in the first place...

[Asker]

she started dating him a week later so it didn't take her long!

[chris88]

how is anything you said different from what I said? It's basically the same thing...and, the sounding "harsh" thing, BS. Did you read the story? His ex is dating someone else...it does't get more "harsh"...he should be aggresive, tough, and straight.Women say one thing and do are different. To my anonyous friend who posted this question...never take advice from a woman about how to deal with women . It's like asking and alcoholic advice on how to avoid drinking..it makes no sense.

[Asker]

I was going to send her this msg, how does this sound: "so one minute you had feelings for me, the next for him. You made your choice. One of us had to lose. One of us had to deal with it. And now you want friendship? I'm sorry but as much as I like you I don't see what's in this for me?"

[Opinion Owner]

First off Chris88 don't get mad because someone doesn't agree with your advice, it was harsh and saying that stuff if he does want to maybe have contact in the future being a doucebag isn't going to help the situation. Anyways to mr anonymous if she got with someone AFTER then that was maybe her way of trying to relieve hurt. I don't know why people do the things they do. anyhoo tell her how you feel. If she one day comes back it was meant to be. sorry to be corny but it rings true.

[chris88]

since your'e anonymous I don't know where your other thread is...my input is this, make it look a lot like what I wrote. good luck