My boyfriend chooses the bars & his friends over me..what should I do?

Question

We have been on & off for 3 years now, long story short the last time we got back together has been almost perfect. He even surprised me with a promise ring on Valentines Day. Everything was going good until he started to recently choose his guys friends over me and the bar to go out & get drunk instead of making time to hang out with me. We hadn't seen each other for a whole week, and the funny thing is he lives right up the street from, we had plans to hang this Saturday then out of now where he tells me its one of his friends birthday & asked if we could only hang for two hours & then he was gonna go out.

This was the 3rd weekend he pulled this kind of bs, so I told him I'm not gonna have him half ass sh*t with me, all he would want to do in those two hours was try & have sex, & then would go out. When I would rather actually go out & do something! Go to dinner, go to a movie, arcade, anything but just stay home & mess around! All he does through out the week is tell me how much he misses me & sh*t but then when the time comes where he can actually see me he chooses drinking & the bars over me. I grew up with my dad drinking a lot, & I myself don't drink & hate being around drunk people. & he's started to develop a lot of these habits.

He says I'm over reacting but I don't think I am, also in the past he's gave out his number to girls & done a lot of shady stuff behind my back while out drinking with his friends. So I deff don't have his full trust.

The easy thing for me to do would be to move on, but I don't I can quite yet. I've already tried talking to him & telling him how I feel & how it pushes me away when he does this, & all he says is that not every weekend is going to be like this. What should I do? Any advice would be helpful!

DJ_Durrty_unk · Accepted Answer

Simple, he doesn't really want a girlfriend, he wants a girl who's there when HE needs her. So that's what you are, the girl that's there when HE wants you to be. He has started treating you like property so get out while you still can.

But as you said, you can't quite move on.

And In order to do that you'll have to ask yourself a few questions

Why Can't I move on right now?

My guess would be you like the feeling of someone being there, someone you can love and think about etc. and may feel a tad lost without it. Which is understandable because its natural

But why would I feel lost?

Simple! You like the feeling so much and have become so accustomed to having it you'd feel like you're losing a part of yourself. Am I right?

So what can I do to get over the feeling of being lost?

Well I wouldn't say replace it entirely with something else, but it would help toi maybe find something to focus on so you start feeling more and more like you don't need him (or really any guy at the moment). And I would suggest trying to let go of the feeling of him being there and the security. Try and act as if he doesn't exist for a while, ask him to leave you alone for a bit and stop contact and see If you can learn to cope without him. If you can't do that.

But yeah once you leave him I would say best Idea is to stay single for a bit and truly figure out what you want in a guy so you can start trying to get what you really want and end up being happy with a guy who's actually there for you.

Hopefully that should help, kinda basic answer but I'm a relationship coach so I should know what I'm talking about

-ACE

P.S Need any more help just ask:D

malekoniky · Accepted Answer

If you love him you have to accept him for who he is.

It does not help ko try to keep him from doing that stuff. He will anyway and he wil feel inprisoned and pushed where he does not want to go. So this does not help.

He is drinker, he likes chicks, he is not interested much in you/spending time with you. Do you want that of your boyfriend? If you can live with that and love him, great. If not, move on! You are not going to change him. Many girls has ability to keep a man from most of those stuff but he won't be happy and so won't she.

In your case I think moving on is best choice. But its yours and yours only so only what you choose matters.

theville · Accepted Answer

I am going through a similar thing but we have been off and on for 2 years and this right now is the third time   - my boyfriend chose to hang out 12 hrs with his drunk friends from one house to another while I sat at home alone all Saturday night - and he was smashed - THEN when I confront him about it he tells me he is sorry he is NOT perfect.. like WTF... that's it that's the explanation - of course the night before we had our sex so next it was the drinking time he makes up stories -- I have to go do some work - he does NOT have a job - he does some carpentry work at the same house he drinks all day - Believe me he is not going to stop THEY and the drink will always be MORE important...  Today I am bringing my guy his stuff, and then going to the club to listen to a band and have a drink and hopefully meet a guy without a drinking problem but if not at least out for the first time in a while ---  not just sitting in the house with him drinking or smoking - actually going out and doing something  - I am looking forward to tonight - it will be sad telling yet again its over - but this time we can be friends..  Drinking is a HUGE problem and it takes over and believe me it gets worse and worse for the person - not better it is a progressive disease and its not the BOYS he is in love with it may be the drinks.  good luck!

Eiffelgirl21 · Accepted Answer

Well, it sounds like to me that he has more respect for his friends than you.  If you want him to respect you more, then when he wants to hang out for a couple of hours to "mess around" don't mess around with him.  I he gets mad, let him.  Tell him you want to have a relationship, and not be a piece for him to come andget whenever he wants.  But, I do not know.  If I were you, I would start doing what he's doing to you, but in a different way.  Talk to other guys.  And if he doesn't change soon, then leave him and date someone else.  It sounds like to me that he doesn't realize what great girl he has, and he needs a wake up call.  You are such a pretty girl and you can get WAY better.  Not even pretty but you have it ALL.  If you know what I mean ;-) good luck girlie.  hope it all works out for the best...in which it will! <3

Jakobb · Answer

On and off for three years? troubling

He seems to be the type of guy who loses interest quickly,

If he says he misses you during the week, then make him miss you, more so in fact the he will want to be with you instead of the other way around.

My advice - Hangout with your friends, go places that interest you without him and make sure he knows your having fun without him but don't rub it in his face. Just calming say you will be "going out tonight/the weekend" for some fun with friends, he can enjoy himself with his...

He will get the picture that your drifting away and then will choice to be with you, irregardless

-Make this best answer please

jdavis21 · Answer

Do you see him as the man he is, or the man you want him to be? I'm glad you brought up your father, because your past dictates exactely what you are attracted too, what you are describing is love addict/ love avoidance cycle. I reccomend you buy the book "Facing love addiction" by pia mellody, it will help alot. Anyone who has a healthy mind set would get rid of him instantly, Please buy the book, it will help you alot, God Bless...

ghandi3984 · Answer

This is a tough one. I have been in the same situation as you. however I was the one like you who was always wondering what she was doing. We were on and off again for 3 years, first love and she was young and wanted to do the bar and party thing.

I wanted nothing more than to be with her and spend time with her, however she wanted to go out and have fun and do her thing. It sucked because there was rumor of her cheating and I just couldn't let that go because she would constantly gimme just a glimmer of hope and I would be so attached.

I found out a year after we broke up that she was cheating throughout the whole relationship. I had to make the VERY HARD choice of walking away. And it was tough, I ended up just surrounding myself with good friends and family and was able to move on.

Good luck, it is truly tough!

DaveMicharl69 · Answer

OH, WOW, YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL! he really IS crazy! That said, it sounds like he could be gouing through something he doesn't want to discuss & drinking with his buddies is how he's chosing to deal with it. If this is the case, he'll stop this soon & things should go back to normal. If you try to hold out, though, & this starts to look like the new norm, you may have to reconsider moving on. You deserve more attention that that! I hope it works out...   :)

Anonymous · Answer

Hey, he has turned you into legitimized booty call.  He has the best of both worlds, a "relationship" with you that gives him sex, but socializing with others.  If he does not want to hang out with you on the weekends and only makes time for sex with you, well, what is the point?  Further, if your guy is not listening to you, that is even worse.  He has done this 3 weekends in a row and tells you "not every weekend is going to be like this"?  There is no way to fix this.  You told him how you feel, he is disregarding it, so if you choose to stay, be prepared for what you are in for.  Good luck!

lostboy85 · Answer

Your going to have to be more direct. Tell him what you want and if things don't change then you'll have to make changes! If he doesn't listen then he probably isn't worth it. Your not overreacting if your unhappy. He may not see it this way but sometimes this can show your compatability isn't necessarily their anymore.

MissNice70 · Answer

I would love to talk with you because I went through this almost 6 years and sounds like the gaslighter I dated until a week ago - with a bit of narcissism - run from this relationship if you are still in it - I was doing what you were and thought I was in love - but in reality was infatuated with him and had chemistry but he is at the bars almost daily and I will not have a future partner especially at his age where he should have been way beyond “going out” WE deserve better and if we are to be with someone we deserve that relationship should only be a lesson learned nothing more ❤️

Purfectkitty08 · Answer

Stop having s*x with him.Talk with him about how you feel..if he doesn't try to change or make an effort to listen to your opinion,then he doesn't care about you. If that happens,move on to someone better!

You should have put your foot down after the first time he canceled.Guys can't read minds,you have to be direct and blunt with what you expect and want from them. You definitely should not be his "booty call"

teuton · Answer

Yeah I remember when I was like that. Work was really sh*t and I started to act badly with my GF. I vented at bars with mates cause my girlfriend didn't think about all the sh*t I was dealing with at work, only how we didn't spend enough time shopping together each week.

thisGUYknows · Answer

hate to brake it to ya but it sounds like its already as good as its gonna get. you can hope it does change or you can listen to your gut and do what you have to do.

DocClassic · Answer

i think I would do what he is doing if my girl would rather go to teh arcade then stay home and mess around.

DanHendo · Answer

If that girl is actually you in the image above. Your man is crazy id spend all my freetime with you. She's a beautiful girl and he should be fortunate to have something like that.

MrNomNom · Answer

point blank hun, your boyfriend is a lowlife jerk, and you should find a boyfriend that actually cares about your feelings...

maureen · Answer

try to dig deep and cut off all communication and make him come back to you.

508Ricky · Answer

Didn't read it! (Only title) Dump him get a girlfriend. I'm a guy but I think that women are stronger than men and you don't really need us. Girls would understand you, become bi & date a girl!

dudeman · Answer

you should leave him on and off is a waste of time your to good looking to waste you youth on bullsh*t

moviedude714 · Answer

well girls want a guy who has things going on in his life, girls actually don't want to be number one in their guy's life

Anonymous · Answer

Confront him, or just leave him

ThickRick · Answer

Stop being typical, predictable, and boring.

Anonymous · Answer

let me guess your boyfriends not white

My boyfriend chooses the bars & his friends over me..what should I do?

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