How do you deal with manipulative people?

[Anonymous]

Lately due to some good people and some introspection, I've realized just how bad my Mom treats me. She's very controlling and critical, but unable to take criticism. She constantly guilt trips me and tells me what to do. She's even admitted to purposely making me feel bad because she was angry. She's my Mom and I can't cut her out of my life, but she treats me worse than anyone else, and it can be hard to be around her. How do I get her to change her behavior?

[megzs16]

1. Speak up for yourself. People respect those who don't just let someone walk on them. 2. Set boundaries. Hang around your mom still but maybe less? That way you get your space but still keep her in your life. 3. Let her know how you feel more. People can't read each other's minds. 4. Expect backlash from manipulative people. They are the hardest types to deal with. Usually even when we are kind with communication and are honest with them, they will still get upset. Just expect it. But also know that you can tell them when it's not ok. And that it's hurtful. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Welcome in club of people who have psychopathic moms. I realized that with 17 that my mom is a manipulative bitch. You can't change or try outsmart them with arguments, because such moms don't allow a fair fight. She knows your weak points and she will use them without any scruples for bringing you back in the row.
Gain distance to her without making a big drama. Stop being emotional while dealing with her. Change your attitude toward her in "If you're useful, you're welcome otherwise f.. k off." Such moms understand this message very quickly because it's the game they play all the time.

[jshm2]

If you are an adult you need to get her some medical/psychological help. A lot of times "bad" parents can just be people in need of mental health care.

The other things to look at include her family and friends. Is she being abused by her sisters, husband or does she have a toxic friends, a crap job etc etc.

You need to put aside the fact she's your mother and look at her as a patient with a problem she doesn't know.

[Espresso-Grande]

It depends on who they are. In situations where it's impossible to avoid the person, it's best to limit contact with them. And only speak to them if it's absolutely necessary, and just be very superficial with them if you do need to speak to them.

You can't change manipulative people. All you can do is learn how to deal with them. You may need to adapt your personality in order to deal with her in the most effective way. Sometimes you have to learn to manipulate a situation to your own advantage. So you're one-step ahead of the person manipulating you

[Anonymous]

Essay coming:

My mom is a naturally critical and controlling person, which she doubles down on me because I'm her only daughter. We constantly argue, and what you've written above, I've said to her in the past. I love my mom to my core, and I'd be lost without her, but her treatment does hurt me at times. At this point, I know how my mom is. I just don't tell her certain things if I don't want her input, and I don't sugarcoat when she upsets me. I also realize we get along better when we're apart.

You're a grown woman, put your foot down. Do what you can to let her know you love her, and as long as you know you tried your best, she can't guilt-trip you. If she's intentionally mistreating you, distance yourself for your health. Keep calls to a hi, how are you, and bye if she starts being toxic. She's your mom, but if she's purposefully mistreating you she isn't being a good one.

You accept what you allow, and if your mom cares to have you in her life, she'll respect your boundaries if you're firm in them (that goes for anyone), which I know is hard when you love someone, but that's just the way it must be sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes they're nice to your face but run you down/lie about you behind your back, and manipulate you in such subtle ways that you don't even realize you're being manipulated - especially if they're your parent and you've lived with them all your life.

A good way to recognize if you're living with a manipulator is to read Josette Sona's ebooks. They're free to download from online bookstores but they're excellent at teaching us what to look out for in (either) an existing relationship (including family members) or a potential relationship (like a significant other).
If you are living with a manipulator, try to remove them from your life until they change - yes, even if they're your parent. You can honor your mother and father by living a good life, by not copying their negative traits. There are plenty of people on the planet. We can afford to be selective in whom we associate with (at least in our personal life). Co-workers/bosses? - that's a different story.

[JackSmy]

OMG!!! Do we have the same MOM?
Mine is EXACTLY LIKE THAT!
Does she Sabotage your relationships, so much, that you no longer tell her if you are dating anyone?
Do you ALWAYS "remember it wrong" with past events, when she did something terrible, even when others remember the event, like you do, but she tells you that you are wrong?

[pajamasam]

You can't. Dont try to play the same game they do. Don't try to manipulate them into changing. Its terrible they do that, but if you can't cut them off you'll have to learn how to catch their tricks. You'll have to learn how not to give in to their tricks.

[Inexpensivefurniture]

You can't make people change when they see nothing wrong with their behaviour and don't want to change themselves. All you can do it learn how to recognize when you are being manipulated and refuse to play into it. It's not easy, and it's not perfect, but it's about all you can do if you don't want to cut the manipulative person out of your life

[Cherokeehp]

I just don’t let them manipulate me. You’ve gotta learn to see the strings they’re trying to pull. Manipulation is usually subtle, but once you understand manipulation techniques it’s not that hard to figure it out. Once you understand when and how they’re trying to manipulate you you can just avoid their traps. I just let people try to manipulate me in vain.

[shark58]

Hm, it depends on your age. In case you are an adult, I would suggest to avoid meeting her, you are able to stand your own living and shouldn't be close to her any longer. If not, it could be profitable to consult a professional, for example a family therapist or other type of counselor.

[Unit1]

My ass you not being able to cut off your mom and you say that in your 30s. You must have chosen some terrible choices in life.
i am 26 years old and i live alone. I finance everything myself. Nothing in life is free. So work for it like most of us do.

[LivingExample]

The only way to deal with manipulative people is to stand up to them. I have found the best way to do that is in Writing. That way you have proof as to what was said. Only operate in facts and deal with each situation immediately. Writing also lets you get everything out without letting them try to turn it back on you. You do not want to cut your mother out of your life, but you can be around her less and let her know it will keep getting less until she changes.

[Kev600]

Sounds like your mum is narcissistic.
She doesn't mean to be, she just is.
You can only really control you react.. Not her.

Give her no emotional response.
Keep your head cool.
Thank her for her views.

[Kev600]

*your reaction

[Newhead]

Do not stab them, breathe and count to ten then go take a nap. I sleep a lot so I don't cut the people around me because all of them can get it.

[sakshamsadana]

You can just nod to whatever they say and then do whatever you want. A little stubbornness is the key to happiness.

[yessitsonanpoppin]

You can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you. Read that again.

[yessitsonanpoppin]

You must make boundaries. Of course you can’t just leave her, she’s your mother, but there needs to be a line that you won’t let her cross

[OddBeMe]

Same here. I distanced myself from my parents bc of their shit. My advice: get as independent as possible and you won’t have to deal with them as much.

[Walamagicc]

You don’t interact. Once you figure out their manipulative, you move on

[bamesjond0069]

Just beat her at her own game. Toughen up a little.

[doctord00m]

Why are you even talking to her? You're supposed to be in quarantine.

[dianagirl]

The poor girl might still be living at home. And then there's always the phone.

[Lostguuy]

You let them know that you know what they are doing and that you aren’t gonna take it

[Anonymous]

you can't its impossible. you can lead a horse to water but can't make them drink

[Alyssa11]

You don’t. You just cut them off.

[Alyssa11]

Sorry I didn’t realise this was your mum I thought it was a relationship of some sort! Ok if it’s your mum, definitely don’t cut her off. I think it’s good that you’ve identified her manipulative behaviour, i would say the next thing to do is be aware of when she is acting this way so that you consciously don’t let it affect you. Drawing boundaries with manipulative people is very effective too.