I'm still traumatized from being cut out of a close friend group several years ago. How do I move past this?

[Anonymous]

I know this isn't therapy, but I thought maybe someone here could offer some insight or something.

I had these friends several years ago. We were BEST friends and I really thought we would be friends forever. I always kind of struggled to feel like I belonged, so finding a group where I felt supported really meant a lot to me. For a while, we were inseparable and constantly sleeping over at each others houses.

One of the women in the group (and one of the ones I was closest with) eventually started acting weird towards me. Making cutting, hurtful remarks and genuinely hurting my feelings. One time she admitted that she was worried her boyfriend would like me or something and that I would steal him (I would literally never do this, I never even really talked to him that much). I knew she was jealous of me and it made me feel terrible. I didn't know what I could have done to cause that. I found myself shrinking around her, trying to act small, but she would just make more hurtful comments. Eventually, I started cancelling plans with the group but she took it personally when I missed her birthday dinner. She confronted me about missing the dinner, and I finally told her I thought we should see each other less.

She turned the group against me, including another woman who I was very close with. To this day, I wonder if she lied or something, because they iced me out HARD. It was really painful. When I would try to reach out to any of them, they would ghost me and ignore me, but I knew they were hanging out from social media.

All this time, I think I've been feeling traumatized because I kind of took it to mean something was wrong with me. After being treated so badly by her, all my friends began treating ME like I was the one who'd done something wrong.

Now I struggle to make friends. I'm avoidant, I don't want to get in anyones way or cause jealousy. I feel like people hate me if I show who I am. I really think this traumatized me.

Does anyone have advice?

[SkyCastle90]

The best thing you can do is live happily without them.

I think you might be obsessing because you held your opinions back a lot and changed yourself to keep the peace; and when it didn't work, you felt like you've failed your friendship. However, it's not your friendship to maintain alone.

There was no proper communication between you and that girl or the group. She's over telling you she's jealous and upset in hopes you'll do something about her feelings; while you sitting here actually trying to be responsible for how this girl feels. The reality of it is, your exfriend was selfish and immature, but you were too insecure to realize that; yet the sad truth is even if you were confident enough to call her bullsh*t, the friendship wouldn't have worked out because people that self-centered will not change until they want to change.

Count your blessings.

I was a victim to this kind of betrayal just a few months ago with someone I befriended in my early 20s. Even though we've been friends for close to a decade, he had no problem booting me from a group without even talking to me about the issue; to paraphrase I basically got a, "Hey people who barely know you and I had a meeting, we voted to kick you. Don't let this affect our friendship. Bye." I was so disappointed, because he's always boasting about being this wise/mature person beyond his years. But that's the thing, 20's me didn't know the red flags; someone who is constantly saying they're mature isn't mature at all, because mature/good/stable people will prove that with action alone. I'm still civil, but I don't trust him at all

[EmotionalMess]

I think you just had the bad luck of having an awful person in the friend group, she's the one who felt insecure, the others just followed along cause I guess they felt the other girl as a "stronger" character or something, most people like leaders. I don't think there's nothing wrong with you. But I guess that if you can't let go of the feeling you should try with a professional.

I also struggle feeling like I belong to friend groups, they stopped inviting me to things I don't know why, I never did or said any wrongs about them. New people got into the group so I guess I was replaceable.

[Mynameisbobby]

Wow that sounds like an awful experience with these people. You did nothing wrong it was these women that obviously had issues before you became such good friends. Just be yourself and realize it wasn't you and move on from it.

[Wise4myage]

Meet some new people and forge some new friendships.