How important is your spouse’s family in a relationship? Can it work if they don’t like you?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my current man for almost 8 years now. Our relationship have been extremely rocky from the beginning but maybe a year ago, we finally started to make things work. However, his family have not always been a fan of me. Him and I grew up completely different so are interests are not the same. I’m not extremely outgoing and unless I have a reason, I’m not really the type to just interact. His family is big on drinking and partying- I am not. So I may come around, say hi and bye- and that’s it. I’m not taking anyones phone number and trying to hang out. Which I think they felt like I was being stuck up. But it’s just they’re not the type of people I would hang with. His sisters and I just have really different personalities. They’re always in drama. They’re best friends with his exes and they know the exes still want to be with him. Anyways, he cheated on me a few times and brought the side girl around his family. She has more in common with them so his family got really attached quick and would always hang out with her. Even after him and I started working on the relationship more. Well, his family just doesn’t seem to like me and it’s weird because I feel like they try to purposely make me uncomfortable by talking about the girl in front of me. I literally don’t say anything. I just act like it doesn’t bother me. And when I tell him, he tells me to ignore it. I have never done anything to them so I don’t understand why they just do not like me.
I guess my question is can a relationship work if your spouses family doesn’t like you?

[Shortman70]

It puts a strain on your relationship for sure. A few years ago, I admitted that I had an addiction to drugs, started with pain killers and grew out of control from there. When I went to rehab my brides family wanted her to divorce me basically. When we decided that our marriage was worth fighting for, they (her mom and stepdad and her half brothers and their families) disowned her and our children. They haven't spoken ten words to her or their grandsons in almost 4 years. I can see it weighs on her a lot, not seeing her family and nieces and nephews. I have never told her the terrible things they've said to me or tried to keep her from them in any way. I try to get her to talk to them or visit without me. But I think she feels like they abandoned her while I was in rehab when she needed support. My family treats her like their daughter but it's not the same for her. We keep working together but it's still hard for her. I sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be better to let her go? Her family is fairly wealthy and they've tried to use that to come between us. I know they would take her back immediately if we ever divorced. I hate to say that our lives are better without them and how they try and control us with their money. I'm so glad that she stuck with me and I let her know I'm grateful I am, knowing what she gave up for our marriage. You're in a different situation with him cheating and bringing the side chick around, that's something that my wife would not allow or would my family, if they knew we were together yet. You have to make some tough decisions on what's worth working for and what's not. He's prob gonna keep cheating and pretty soon he'll blame you for the problems. Good luck.

[Asker]

I’m sorry to hear about u and ur wife. And hopefully one day she can reach out to them and express how hurt she is for not being able to still be in their life. It’s sad that they would disown her because of ur journey in life. However a marriage is for good and bad- and she stuck beside u and the family should respect her for that instead of encouraging her to leave you at your lowest. It’s sad that u even have to think about letting her go just to make her family happy. But it’s sad that she can be distraught for losing u and her family would be happier. They don’t realize what they want is hurting her and the kids.
And as for me, I don’t know why I even dealt with as much as I did. people say that I don’t have high self esteem or I don’t love myself. I actually do know my worth. I know that I can get someone who hasn’t done what he has done. However, I know he has been through a lot and sadly, I almost feel challenged to help him. He’s been taking care of himself since he was 12- had a baby at 14…. Both parents were barely in his life. It’s not my job to fix him but I want to him realize that there are good people out there. It’s sounds crazy through writing but I let him hurt me just to show him that not everyone is toxic. He told me that he never met a man who hasn’t cheated. And in the beginning he told me that it wasn’t possible for a man not to. It was what he was taught it was ok. His family never scolded him for it. They encouraged it. Things are good now but everything has effected me. And I don’t know why I care to be liked.

[Shortman70]

Remember you can't help someone that doesn't want help. Don't get so caught up in his problems that you lose yourself. Always know your worth, if you lose that, everyone will step on you and keep you down. Keep faith close to your heart and everything will work out. There's a plan for everyone, it sometimes takes a awhile to figure it out

[Diodoro]

It's only important if he's not the type to go against his families wishes,, not the type to stand up for you, and the type to listen to what they have to say more than he probably should.

I had an ex whose mom didn't like me and it did affect our relationship long-term, not necessarily because of how my ex acted. But she broke my trust

Because I know behind my back her mom is saying things and she's not standing up for me because it's your mom. To me I don't care who it is I'm going to defend my partner

If my partner can't do the same I'm out

[anon171999]

His family are losers. They're clearly toxic.
What's more concerning though is that you are dating him.
Y'all had issues for like 7 years of dating.
He's cheated.
He brought the girl he cheated with around you. Which means he's still in contact with her.
Raise your standards. Work on your relationship with yourself. This relationship clearly isn't healthy or respectful. I'm not sure why you are staying. But I'd suggest leaving because you're wasting your time in a relationship that is less than you deserve.

[roro_hlbi]

It's really hard and I had big problems from that. Maybe it can work but it's not easy and makes everything worse. Don't get into any fights with them and just try to ignore and be patient with them if you want to to work, and move away from them if u can. But it's MUCH better and gives u a lot of strength if the two families support you.

[HazyDaze63]

Forget his family. Your real problem is him. He cheated and brought this girl to family functions? Sounds like he's either embarrassed to bring you around his family or he let's his family dictate his life. If I were you, I would seriously think about what sort of future you have with him.

[Asker]

I think about it everyday. He’s the only man I’ve been with so it’s all most like I just try to make things work. At the same time- I think his family is intimidated by me. None of them work or have finished school. I graduated with my master and have a good job. If I come around and they’re talking about people, I just ignore it. I have tried to laugh and joke or talk to them but we are so different I just feel like conversations are forced and fake. And I think they’re used to him having girls who are similar to them and I’m just too different. One of his cousins even said to me “I don’t know why he’s with u. Y’all are so different”.

[Anajuxr]

Exactly.

[spartan55]

They probably don't like you because you've made very little effort to acquaint yourself with them.

"they are not the type of people I would hang out with"

"we grew up different"

Code for: I think I'm better than those people. They certainly don't sound like ideal in laws, but it sounds like you've created the divide.

[Asker]

I NEVER said I was better than anyone. U took my comments and made ur own assumption. Have u ever been around people that u don’t click with? Maybe not. But they aren’t the type of people I would hang with and it’s true we did grow up different. I grew up in a very religious family and I was very isolated. His family was the complete opposite. 2 of his sisters were in and out of jail- they always wanna fight. I’m not into that. I’m nice to everyone I meet. However, I can’t force myself to be outgoing and just interact if I’m not that type of person. If that’s what made the divide then hey.

[spartan55]

So if you don't think you are better than those people, than what is it? Intolerance? You can't interact with someone who isn't your type of person? More like you WON'T. Have I ever known been around people I don't click with? I work in a facility that employs people from 38 different countries for starters, I've had several girlfriends with families that I didn't mesh with, and I made it work at the very least out of respect for my girlfriend. You won't even try. How fucking arrogant.

[Asker]

Well u don’t know what I try with. Ur reading my responses and ur spreading that over MANY years of a relationship. Not only are u making assumptions but ur trying to tell me about my character. But it is what it is. We all have an opinion. Thanks for taking the time out to answer my question tho☺️

[madgoat]

Yes it can. If your partner makes it clear that you are more important than they are and demands they treat you with respect.
I'm not sensing this from what you've written.
And he's untrustworthy and cheated on you with women that are still around.
Doesn't sound like you're in a position of strength with this one.

[all_hayl]

This was rather painful to read, especially the “Anyways, he cheated on me a few times and brought the side girl around his family.”
why would you continue to put up with this loser? Sounds like you need to up your standards.

[horatiohornblower]

It can. Just move to the opposite side of the country. So you only have to see them once or twice a year.

[Asker]

Lol. That’s helps too.

[Razp_Sorbet]

I think all that matters is that you enjoy eachothers company. Family is important but if he's happy and his family not liking you doesn't bother you then that's fine.

[Finchie40]

As long as he sided with you over his family, if he chooses his family over you then you are best to move on

[HarryFortis]

I think it can work. I'm in relationship and my girlfriend's family is against us. She is my neighbour.

[TexasRed95]

So I am not in a relationship but I would say it's fairly important. Now as for them not liking me I would get over it quick. I am used to people not liking me.

[exitseven]

It certainly does not make it easier. I was lucky in that respect. My wife's family really liked me.

[emperor90]

Very important because if they dont approve u then they are less likely to like u

[Agape93]

They aren't important to me

[jahaims]

Not important at all

[Anonymous]

Zero importance.