How do I bury my romantic feelings for my best friend, knowing they are not shared?

[Anonymous]

My best friend is a girl. I am a male, early twenties. We have been friends for 4-5 years now. We speak on a daily basis and we are by each other's side.

At first I didn't see her as more than a friend. I want to mention that. However the past 1 year or so, I have started developing romantic feelings for her. Not to the point where I can't date anyone else, because I have, but to the point where I get very jealous when she talks to a guy, when she sees someone, when she tells me this guy is so nice and that she has a crush on him.

And I have realised that I don't treat her as my friend anymore. I don't show her this, but I see it in me. I think about her throughout the day, I get excited when she messages me etc. You know, all the stuff when you like someone.

I know for a fact feelings are not mutual however. And I am honestly tired of this. I just want her to tell me about others without me giving a flying fuck.

How do I go about this? Because I have a hard time.

[Adam_INTJ]

You're assuming that you have only one option. You have multiple.

Consider: you guys are currently friends. Do you want you like to be friends? If not, just quit putting in effort, let the friendship fizzle out, and just be acquaintances. There is no point in going through so much effort to maintain a friendship that causes you so much hurt. Find new friends.

If you want to be friends, then you probably need to work with a therapist to figure out these feelings. Either that or actively question the idea that she's right for you. Don't view her through rose-colored glasses. Do you two disagree on something important? Is she more extroverted/introverted than you? Does she hate something that you like/vice versa? Look for any of her negative qualities that would create a poor relationship. She's not perfect. She's a flawed human like you. Look for those flaws and consider them.

If you don't want to be friends, and you can't get over your feelings, then ASK. HER. OUT. Sure, she'll probably say no, sure, but your life isn't over. You're just risking a friendship that you don't even like. It may actually help your friendship to put that secret out in the open and have full transparency. She might even say "hey, sorry, I don't have a lot of interest in dating you, but I really care about you and want you to find a girl who is right for you--it's just not me. I really enjoy being friends with you though." If it ends the friendship, that's okay too; you didn't like the friendship anyway.

I asked a friend out and she politely said no, but tgat she appreciated the gesture. We're not close friends like we used to be now, and I was sad about that for a while, but the decline of the friendship was easier to accept than it was to accept that I liked her but would never ask her out.

You also can't be sure of her feelings. Only knows what her feelings about you are.

I'd say in general that you should ask her out. It's cowardly to not ask her out. It takes courage to ask a girl out. But doing hard things develops you as a person, and is a very mature thing to do.

The actions that you take shape you as a person. Shy guys will do shy things. If you don't want to be a shy guy, then you need to do things that a shy guy wouldn't do, regardless of if it makes you uncomfortable. To be a biker, you need to start biking.

Figure out what you want, try to get it, and accept the outcome without bitterness. Above all, do the right thing.


I wish you the best.

[jaybee281]

I'm sorry man - I've been put in this exact situation a few years ago - I had the same wish - I just wanted everything to go back to normal instead of getting irritated whenever she mentioned some dude - Like before that she used to tell me about other dudes and I'd either encourage her to talk to him or make fun of him but all of it would be 100% fun and most importantly genuine - Now for you specifically maybe try distancing yourself a bit - Then see how you feel (maybe like gradually distance yourself over a period of a month or 2)- the distance will clear your mind, it will also probably make her miss you, and you'd break the "I'm your best friend who texts yoi everyday" in case you still have feelings by then - If you're still feeling it then if I was you I'd go for it - maybe when you come back try to subtly flirt with her or something - Girls' emotions are much more fleeting than you might think - like unbeknownst to me back then she did like me - But I also was 100% sure I'm an attractive guy I just for some reason thought that we're friends so she'd never like me - Some distance, talking to other girls (especially if she knows about it, manipulative? Yes, good for you and her if you actually care? 100% yes), clearing your mind up, and most importantly looking differently and better by the next time you see after you stop talking to her for a bit - I swear could really really help

[jaybee281]

And I do apologize for the essay...

[Asker]

Sorry but I did not understand you fully. So your friend liked you, and you liked her aswell? The feelings were shared?

[Cynicaldreamer]

You're probably not going to like what I'm about to say, but you did ask-

You can't.
I've been in that situation before, and it usually ends with the friendship ending because: a) you get jealous and/or upset when they date other people and you know the feeling will never be reciprocated. It's worse when they tell you about the people they're dating, ask for your advice, or how terrible said person treats them... yet here you are available, but they only see you as a friend or worse, a brother/sister figure.
Or b) you try to stay friends with them, hoping with time you will move on and get over them, but it's hard when you have feelings for them... even moreso if you see or talk to them regularly. It IS possible to get over them with time, but it's not going to happen right away, so keep that in mind if you want to stay just friends with her-

And before you ask, NO, she won't change her mind with time. Trust me, speaking from experience. If someone's made up their mind you're not their type or they're not attracted to you, that's it.

You can point blank tell her how you feel- let her know that you care for her as more than a friend, but since you know the feeling isn't mutual, you need time to assess your friendship with her. Basically- ask for some distance from her. Why? To try and get over her (this is assuming she clearly states she's not interested in you; be sure to clarify that!)

Out of respect, she should understand and give you space. Use this time to ask yourself, "Do I want to stay friends and try to get over my feelings with her... or slowly distance myself from her and end the friendship?" If you want to stay friends? Great. But it won't be easy- keep in mind when she dates other guys, you're going to be jealous and upset for a while, unless you specifically ask her not to discussing her love life with you.
If you choose to move on and end the friendship? That's okay. Because why invest your time in someone that made it clear she will never see you as more than a friend?

Yes, I know it started out as a friendship but things changed: as I said, been there before; unfortunately it does happen sometimes. And when it does, both parties need to be mature enough to discuss it, and how they want to handle the relationship after that point. And if it means dissolving a friendship so you're not hurt in the long run? That's okay! It's not wrong or selfish of you.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Its simple change your number and distance yourself from her. When you start thinking about her take your dog for a walk distract yourself. When she comes to your place asking whats up why your not replying. Say you changed your number abd if she wants to add your new number say lets not and say you did. She will look at you like you have three heads... then ask why say I just can't be your friend... you tell me how great he is when I wish you were talking about me.. I just can't be your friend when I want more. She will say okay and walk away or let me think about all this and possibly break up with her man. But dont let her in farther than your porch cause your feelings will get deeper and deeper. If she asks aren't you going to invite me in? Say no im busy. Cause I believe people take advantage of people when one has feelings the other doesn't that way. Its okay if both aren't interested that way. Dont allow her to touchure you any longer!

[kiki0101]

I was in the situation too. Its quite hard to get out of the zone. I would suggest you to widen your circle and focus on other stuff. For example, join a school club or extra classes where you around different people. I am not saying you will develop feeling for others but you can stop thinking about your crush. Also try talking to her about how you feel. It seems like you are assuming things but she never told you anything yet. I personally spend lesser time with my crush if i feel that the feeling is not reciprocated.

[Asker]

I did not mention something important however. That a few months out of nowhere and unprovoked, while he had a chat about female/male friendships she said she never had romantic feelings for me.

Which means chances are she does not. At least that's what she said. I can't read minds either.

So based on that, mainly, and a few more things, I have come to the conclusion that feelings are not shared. Sometimes I might have a small feeling that they are, because of things she has done/said, but those could simply and only be because we are very close as friends. Regardless she said she never had romantic feelings for me, so in my mind; she doesn't.

All I want is to start moving on from this without destroying our friendship. Which from the looks of it seems inevitable. I either distance myself a bit or I just continue having those feelings.

[kiki0101]

Distancing yourself a bit is not going to spoil your friendship. Once in a while, you can talk to her. Keep yourself occupied with different hobbies. Dont worry soon everything will be over. Let me tell you something nice, crushes are hard to forget but once you forget you will never be in crush with the person again.

[mobiusforniner]

I was in this situation, too. And honestly, I made the tough choice and let go. This is the reason men and women can't be friends. My friend wouldn't let me just walk out of her life- and good friends shouldn't just ghost each other. So I told her the truth. I told her what I felt. I told her I was in love with her and it was difficult for me to manage my feelings. I felt the best thing for her happiness was for her to move on without me.

My friend had a very, very strong emotional reaction to this. Honestly I think she felt and knew. And losing our friendship was very hard on both of us. But I don't regret it. I'd rather tell a woman I love her, knowing I'll lose her, rather than wishing I would have told her, but didn't. Don't live in regret.

Who knows, if she's yours and you're hers, maybe someday you two will reconnect again when the time is right.

[shaysh87]

if you want to stop caring about her crushing on other guys, i think you should stop seeing her for as long as you can. Give it maybe two or three years. Come back and you will be surprised at how much you don't care.

the best way to get over liking someone is to never see them or talk to them again. Delete her on social media, stop texting her, stop looking her up on the internet, stop being curious about her.

Trust me, if you are gonna keep texting her, you Will continue liking her.

I have many years of personal experience dealing with this.

[Aerissa_Jade]

Not really a way to get out of this easily, you could let her know and it might make her nervous so she backs off and doesn't want to be friends as much or as close... could cause some distancing, which may be exactly what you need.

If you want to stay friends with her, find someone else your interested in romantically. It is easy to fall for someone if they are the only person you ever spend time with and hang out with. Widen your circle of friends.

[Raphaëlle]

Have you told her about your feelings? Maybe if she says no you would try to back off a bit? I mean if you get a no you could try to use that as a way to move on and focus on something else. It's a difficult situation to be in but you'll have to decide if you want to voice these feelings or not. Would it change your relationship/would you still want to be friends with her is something you could think about.

[Asker]

No I haven't told her about my feelings.

I told know if she has feelings, sometimes I feel she does, sometimes I am sure she doesn't. Do you get me?

Thing is, and as I said, we started as friends. Purely. Been friends for many years now, and very close. It's only the past year when I started developing romantic feelings for her.

And despite my feelings, we have always been next to each other. So if I voice myself and she doesn't share it, we will either break off completely or our friendship will never be the same again.

[SweetDumplings]

I say she's not worth it, you can spend your feelings on someone who will return them to you because from how desperate and obsessed you seem she might not return your feelings back, this is why male and female best friends don't work ~

[Flower7]

Stop being her “friend”. It will only lead to pain, since you know it won’t go anywhere romantically.

[OlderAndWiser]

The only way to move on from this is to eliminate her from your life. You can't go backwards with your feelings.

[275153]

Tell her what’s going on. If she’s a true friend, she’ll take your feelings into consideration when interacting with you. If she doesn’t, or get offended, then you know she’s not a true friend.

[Jintendo18]

The fact that your best friend is a girl is a problem in and of itself as a heterosexual male. What exactly are you getting out of this friendship anyway?

[Asker]

As I said, we started as friends. Purely. Been friends for many years now, and very close. It's only the past year when I started developing romantic feelings for her.

And despite my feelings, we have always been next to each other. So if I voice myself and she doesn't share it, we will either break off completely or our friendship will never be the same again.

[Jintendo18]

Sounds like a one-sided love AND a one-sided friendship if you ask me.

[Asker]

One sided love, maybe, but one sided friendship, how come?

Because essentially what you are saying is that not only she doesn't have romantic feelings for me, but she doesn't also see me as a friend.

[Jintendo18]

Expect to be brushed aside as soon as she finds someone she wants to commit to long-term.

[Asker]

She was in a relationship for 2 years in the past. Never stopped talking to me or became distant etc.

[Jintendo18]

How does she react when you tell her about girls you’re seeing?

[Asker]

When I am in a relationship? Well deep inside she is not 'happy' about it, for sure, I am not too (cuz I have romantic feelings for her), but it's not like it really really bothers her.

[Jintendo18]

If what you’re saying is true, then shoot your shot. Just make a move the same way you would on any other girl you’ve dated and hope for the best. Don’t talk about your feelings or any of that. Your friendship with this girl is doomed to failure sooner or later either way. Worst case scenario is you end up getting used if that’s not happening already.

[Asker]

Sorry for the spamming, but many people say how making a move is better than confessing. Why is that? Don't you think being honest about my feelings is better than a 'let's go on a date' kind of thing?

If it was random girl I was talking to, then asking her to go out would mean a date, I have done this in the past with other girls without even having to mention it's a date. Both of us knew it. But in her case, going out with her could simply and easily be just us hanging out as friends, something we have done in the past.

[Jintendo18]

They’re right. That’s exactly the way to go about it. It’s worked for you with other girls that like you. No need to fix what isn’t broken. If it doesn’t work with this girl, it just means she doesn’t see you that way.

[hahahmm]

Run. Nothing good will come from this for you. And let me guess.. she's damaged in some way and needs someone to fix her, right?

[jennifer_bloom]

Make your feelings known so she will treat you differently such as establishing more boundaries and not talking about other guys in front of you

[vduong1988]

I had feeling for my guy best friend he was taken we been friends for 9 years I hard time too he did tell me his feelings for me I was heart broken and he kiss me first we been hanging out

[Asker]

So both of you had feelings for each other?

[jasco]

Did you ask her out? 2nd honestly find another girl

[Asker]

No I haven't told her about my feelings.

I told know if she has feelings, sometimes I feel she does, sometimes I am sure she doesn't. Do you get me?

Thing is, and as I said, we started as friends. Purely. Been friends for many years now, and very close. It's only the past year when I started developing romantic feelings for her.

And despite my feelings, we have always been next to each other. So if I voice myself and she doesn't share it, we will either break off completely or our friendship will never be the same again.

[jasco]

you never know till you try man. Dont be afraid of the what ifs, just go. If its not meant to be than its not meant to be

[boobliker]

these are you best and to be only friends is the way I do it try not to be too pushy in with them and if you feel to close make an exit for something

[Staximus]

How do you know she doesn't feel the same about you?

[Staximus]

Tell her you have developed romantic feelings for her over the years and ask her if she feels the same. Ask her "why are we wasting time with other people when we get along so well?"

[Asker]

I did not mention something important however. That a few months out of nowhere and unprovoked, while he had a chat about female/male friendships she said she never had romantic feelings for me.

Which means chances are she does not. At least that's what she said. I can't read minds either.

So based on that, mainly, and a few more things, I have come to the conclusion that feelings are not shared. Sometimes I might have a small feeling that they are, because of things she has done/said, but those could simply and only be because we are very close as friends. Regardless she said she never had romantic feelings for me, so in my mind; she doesn't.

All I want is to start moving on from this without destroying our friendship. Which from the looks of it seems inevitable. I either distance myself a bit or I just continue having those feelings.

[CallmeTheKnight]

You should go ahead and get it off your chest. If you're not speaking it, you're holding it.

[Waldoe]

tell her about your struggles... she will give you the best advice

[Wymersley]

Been there, its really hard. Try to find some way of taking a break physically.