How can I create more long lasting, meaningful/reciprocal friendships and relationships?

[idontreallyknow25]

A lot of the time it feels as though the friendships/relationships I have are very shallow. Or I’m their rock, but when it comes to me they are unavailable/apathetic.

And my longest friendships have always ended in them admitting they literally don’t feel empathy. As a highly empathetic person, why so I keep attracting the polar opposite?

All I want is one friend that at least feels empathy and wants a meaningful relationship too. If narcissist personality disorder is so rare, and I see the narcissistic people I’ve been friends with have such great caring friends, why am I struggling so hard to even find one that I’d be reciprocal with?

Am I a narcissist myself?

[HighlyVolatile]

Empathy draws narcissists like moths to a flame. They want someone who always agrees with them and makes them feel special, and if we want to be as tactful as possible to avoid hurting their feelings, they find their perfect target.

The defense as I see it is to summon your most assertive and even "selfish" side. I put selfish in quotes because the most empathetic types have a very skewed sense typically of what "selfish" even means. Our ideas of "selfish" for ourselves aren't even selfish, but normal, and we can look around and realize it's normal. But we hold ourselves to much higher standards typically, and in a sense I think it helps to lower that standard.

[HighlyVolatile]

If you do it my way, you become a fun-lover. Have fun! Have a blast! And you find your best of lifelong friends through having fun. They like you because you're the most fun person at the party. And this might sound like you get shallow friends, but surprisingly enough, they all got my back when I was down. When I wasn't trying so hard to have fun, and even trying to be the kindest and most caring of all friends, I got people ditching me left and right.

[idontreallyknow25]

Something I’ve always thought was that “When you are too giving and available, you lose your value and people take advantage”. In my head all these years, this why I thought I had no meaningful friends. I understand your point to be more selfish, and I can try to. but I never want to fully change my capacity in which I love. In your opinion, do you think even the best of people - would value me less for loving so much? Great advice, by the way.

[HighlyVolatile]

I can never change it either. It's like I try to be an asshole and I can laugh real big, and smile real big, and then I spot a stranger out of the corner of my eye at the party and I lose my smile and laugh. Then my friends are like, "What's wrong with you?" And I point to the stranger looking so sad, and they think I'm crazy. Soon I find myself abandoning them to talk to this stranger and trying to cheer them up, inviting them into my friend group, and I don't always succeed. I at least stop beating myself up if I don't succeed. "Fuck it!" you know like I can at least reach that point if I fail in my efforts.

But I think fun is a good way to connect to people now. I know we're both skewed towards the empath end and fun sounds very shallow, like making friends through fun sounds like you'd make shallow ones. But fun can be deep. It's another way of communicating our "souls" as I see it, and the way to make the best of friends in my experience is to really express your "soul" in whatever medium you find you do that best. I find fun is my ultimate medium to express my soul.

[hahahmm]

There's an old saying that if men didn't want sex with women then men would never bother to have female friends. Or to put it another way, a man is bored to death by most of what a woman finds important. And I'm sure women feel the same way about men.

If you both are interested in something - i mean really interested & not just faking it - that helps.

[SkyCastle90]

I'm on the same boat, and also struggle to make geniune friends.

As a child, making male friends was so easy. Puberty hit, and I became just girlfriend/wife material. Now in my 30s, I'm hinted at becoming a 3rd in poly situations, or a 2nd wife. It's weird.

When making female friends, I get truama dumped on immediately and the friendship is crazy one-sided. I end up becoming a support-human.

Not sure what to do either, but I understand where you're coming from.

[dustybiker]

Shared trauma. Surviving something together. I don’t recommend it, but it is truly what creates those solid, unselfish, lifelong relationships. Every other relationship requires care.

[HighValue]

Talk about politics and morals. That will form a deeper bond if you find someone with the same strong beliefs.

[idontreallyknow25]

I see! I was always taught to stay away from such topics - as they’re “buzz kill” and will scare people away. But I suppose by using that motto, I am scaring the people I want away?

[HighValue]

Yep. It will keep people away that you won't get along with anyways and will bring people closer that have similar/compatible morals as you do.

Especially how society is now, politics really show someone's morals. You need someone that is compatible for long term, not to just avoid talking about how you two really think and then years down the line you two find out you aren't compatible at all and divorce. that happens a lot when people have kids because they show their morals when deciding how to raise their kids. It is better to know sooner rather than later.

[rabbitzzz]

Take advantage of good, religious, giving people. See yourself from the other side.

[idontreallyknow25]

Could I trouble you to elaborate a little more on that

[rabbitzzz]

There are people who are takers and there are people who are more givers. You think just because you are nice to others they will be nice to you. No. You will have to find those who are nicer to you to begin with. And take advantage of their niceness. Or you can give them something back.

[idontreallyknow25]

Interesting. Thank you for elaborating, I will be thinking about this more

[Subarugirl]

Trust, communications, empathy, time and boundaries