What's your thoughts on a bestfriend who admitted that you're a great friend but if you were a bit just like them you will have been perfect for them?

[Anonymous]

I'm friends with this person for years and at a conversation that we had out nowhere they told me that... I obviously got offended and I called them out but they were making excuses that they didn't mean it that way etc... What do you guys think about it?

[MisterDub]

That sounds like a friend who needs to be drop-kicked. Whether that friend is just some bestie or say, your spouse, it's wrong to want to change people, and you should respect yourself enough to recognize it and NOT tolerate it. :However, you be the judge about whether a suggestion was just gently offered to help (in which case you can assess it to incorporate the suggestion... Or if it was just selfish control on your so-called "friend's" part. It's all a matter of intent and degree of assertiveness or helpful. Spectrum.

[MisterDub]

Plus, that is not an "admission". If it was packaged and presented that way, it's actually manipulation and a control abuse. Drop-kick!

[litty]

That's very wrong to say to a best friend. Maybe if they didn't say judgmental backhanded comments, then they'd meet the minimum requirement for an acquaintance.

It's not anyone's job to be perfect for a friend. To get trust and vulnerability from another is a privilege.

[TransAm85]

I had a friend like that. She was a stuck up bitch, but I liked being around her b/c she was very pretty, got a lot of guys attention, was popular, and after high school she went to beauty school. So.. I got free hair cuts/highlights and learned a lot about makeup through her. But she was so stuck up, when I moved on my own, it wasn't in an area she saw fit, so we went our separate ways. True friends don't point out faults like that.

[Ryle96]

I would of got offended. Because nobody’s perfect and we’re all different in our own way. Love me for me.

[CallmeTheKnight]

Never heard that and if I did, I would disagree with them

[Gent207]

I'm confused
What was said and how the hell was this even brought up?

[Asker]

We were talking about friendships in general and they told me that I am a great friend but if I was basically just like them ( for example if we had the same humor, the same interests, etc) then I would have been "the perfect friend" for them.

[boggboss]

Wait if you was more like him? You would be perfect?

[Asker]

Yes, I mean it figuratively. For example... if we had same hobbies, interest... if they were funny and I was also funny then (according to them) I would have been "the perfect friend for them" etc

[boggboss]

Oh fair enough

[Anonymous]

that's a pretty fucked up and backhanded thing to say to someone

[Sonorous]

I'd probably agree.

[Asker]

Interesting, why?

[Sonorous]

I say that because we tend to get along better with people who are more similar to us. Like similar beliefs, values, principles, personalities, interests, etc. So it's not a lie. And the reason why I wouldn't take it as an insult is that it's their perception & I wouldn't want to invalidate it. Because whatever they're feeling, it's their reality.

However, if I disagreed with them, then I might ask questions or make a joke that conveys how their perception isn't correct. But I wouldn't want to make it seem like they did something wrong by telling me that. I'd rather adjust to be more compatible or just keep being how I prefer to be.

[litty]

@Sonorous Adjusting to be more compatible is the equivalent of people pleasing, meaning you wouldn't be willing to stand up for yourself out of fear of what someone else might or might not say.

[Sonorous]

@litty - Well, this is a "best friend" we're talking about. I wouldn't have any friends who are irrationally harsh with their criticisms, so I'd see them as being worthy of changing for. Provided the changes don't sacrifice something I don't want to be sacrificed. They'd be limited to certain parameters.

The changes would have to be desired, feasible, effective, & ultimately harmonious for the long term (or however long we plan on being friends) in order for me to see them as worthwhile changes. I'd do this because I wouldn't want the changes to put me at a disadvantage & I'm sure if they're really my best friend, they wouldn't either. I don't consider that to be a bad way of people-pleasing because it's got boundaries. Healthy ones in my opinion!

My approach would have been way different if we were talking about strangers. Especially since I don't tend to be very sociable. I've grown to be far more pessimistic than I was when I was a kid so now I'm not very agreeable at all. Just enough to keep & maintain the peace.