If you found out your sibling were actually your half-sibling or adopted, would you still consider them as such?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I thought I could be more open-minded, but I admit it's something that started to bother me and more that one of my sisters has been confirmed to not be my father's daughter. It's not like we weren't having issues before, especially in the last couple of years with her increasingly abrasive behavior, but this factor keeps nagging the thought in my head - "Why do I have to even deal with her? I have no family obbligation towards her".

However, when we argued about this, she made good points saying that she's been my sister for over 20 years, and it's not like she can be "fired" just like that. She's also right in pointing out that I reached out to her after two years of not talking to each other, and that it's a b*tch move to pull back and make a 180 now that she's started to reciprocate the efforts.

All I can think is that it's not as simple and clear-cut, it's actually really confusing and I have very ambivalent feelings about the whole thing.

[AmandaYVR]

Difficult q to answer. I’ve been mulling it over in the back of my mind. I think perhaps what it comes down to is not who is our blood family, but who do we want to be our family. Family can be made up of and come from different sources. Not everyone is blessed with an ideal. (Well, there is no such thing as perfection, right. But I mean that there are certainly gradations of better and worse.)


It is not wrong or in poor judgement, of course, to weight blood relatives as more significant, more important. The thrust of this sentiment is that we must be more tolerant, and allow greater margin of error, because humans will make mistakes, and if we all gave up on each other after minor infractions (and sometimes even major) then many people would be left alone, and loneliness indirectly is a killer. ‘Blood is thicker than water.’ ‘If you can’t count on family, who can you count on…’ But many people are related, but feel little connection. Sometimes the disconnect is mutual; sometimes it’s one party who’s made less effort. Then you have to try to objectively assess whether that lesser effort is based on one’s own personality, or the character of the other.


There is no answer to the agonizing q of when to cut someone out of one’s life. It’s obviously a very personal decision. Many do it; many keep trying, no matter what. I’d suggest you try to focus your decision here on your relationship with her, and the entire history, regardless of the blood-genetic component. I would not characterize her “good points” as relevant. She sounds like a highly emotional being, trying to rationalize her feelings, and to gain some sort of moral rightness in an utterly grey and subjective situation. I have no idea what your responses are to her, but if you are not also initiating similar statements, accusations, etc., I think it’s fair to say that she is aggressive, cutting, volatile, reactionary, etc. I doubt she believes that she can act this way around family (whether blood or not), yet not around others, and is therefore adapting/devolving her behaviour because she thinks she can get away with it. However, you could remind her that just because she has been family, does not give her license to act out, not exhibit restraint, not keep her composure, or express any opinion that she has. You can express this in any way and with words you see fit, but pushing limits, because they feel there is some sort of invisible safety net to catch them when they falter, yet again, is really quite unreasonable.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

As always, thank you for your thoughtful and in-depth answers, I always enjoy reading them even though often time constraints don't allow me to reply properly - and when I have the time, it happens like now that g@g refreshes the page and deletes the reply in the making lol.
Jokes aside, I agree that non-blood relationships can be as meaningful and important bonds as the ones between blood relatives; and that at the same time being family does not excuses awful and abusive behaviors - "he's your father" or "I'm still your sister" are not valid excuses for awful and abusive behaviors.

That said, I recognize that in my own situation, I'm the one who made the error - as in, I reached out and then pulled back - my sister, or half-sister, or whatever she could be; with all her faults is right in pointing out that I pulled a bait-and-switch on her - she wasn't even angry, despite having a temper that's the even fiercer than mine, but told me to make my mind when I told her I was not sure about her coming over so often (I tried to sugarcoat and she basically saw through it right away).

That, and both my wife and my other sister told me she always behaved very well around my daughter and my baby nephew, and although my wife knows her a fair bit; my sister advocating for her when they always fought like cat and mouse made me think she really deserves a chance.

[midnightmoon05]

My father is adapted, he was not treated well from what others told me.
we are all “related” and “relatives” so I respected them just because we are relatives, until they show signs of toxicity. I stopped being their “relative” the day when my “cousin” mistreated me.
I didn’t care if he still has relationships with my brother … they grew up together.. however, I avoided him and never wanted to see him again.
my other “cousins” too we don’t talk because they have diff. way of thinking and value. We, as my immediate family want to do better and succeed.
When we were little, we played together because we are family, as I became more mature, understanding their negative, I stay away. So why need such negative people in our lives.

[lightbulb27]

It’s easy to say yes. I’d treat as family. I tend to be more open and think of people not related as extended family. This comes from my finding Christ and wanting to connect to other people.


But as well… you gotta be healthy and manage boundaries as people can be toxic. I have had more than one toxic relative and relationship.


I think people respect is more when we establish down boundaries and with strength and hold them to it. Otherwise they will run over you.

[Rockstarrrrr]

I have a brother and a sister from a different mother... Never looked at them differently... Even if they were adopted.. As long as I like them as a person and it's mutual.. They're still family

[OlderAndWiser]

I have never been in that position, but I do know that matters such as these always elicit reactions motivated by emotion, and not logic.

[Apple1996]

All my siblings are half but I look at them no different then I would a full sibling

[Drumlin2001]

My eldest sister is a half sister, don't see her any different to my other siblings

[NathanDavis]

my heart is in the right place so for me it is very simple...

yes, they are my brothers

no technicality will ever change that

[Mommabear88]

Yes, blood or not my siblings/family (including non blood family) is and always will be my family no matter what

[Andres77]

Same

[Andres77]

That's exactly what happened to me and we didn't treat each other any differently at all.