Cutting off toxic parents for good?

[Anonymous]

After the holidays me and my kids will be leaving my family doesn't understand there will be no chance of rekindling or reconciliation once we're gone.. there the definition of toxic and abusive. I am working on emotionally/ physically disconnecting from them for good. I'm trying to hold out until after the holidays.

Updates

+1 y

There making it extremely hard and difficult.. has anyone ever rekindled with their family members who were toxic and abusive after leaving? If these people died I wouldn't show up to the funeral to pay respect. My mother and grandmother treated me horrible as a child until adulthood...

[CA4444]

It depends on the situation, I can be optimistic about people but not everyone will change so it’s for you to assess… in families there is a larger dynamic and sometimes things do change… in the end you have to put yourself first (esp with kids 😱) anyway good luck x

[Asker]

There not changing their rotten

[CA4444]

Well then yes you can cut contact, there’s no rule in the universe saying otherwise you can do what you want and need for yourself right

[Asker]

Thanks

[lightbulb27]

haven't. my parents were excellent, but also had their quarks that caused me hurt and issues as well. Only got one set of parents.

If your's are poison to your kids and you want to break the chain, then ok. Just don't under estimate the value of support you need at times. If they can't provide that, if they are awful to you and won't change and the kids, then you have a tough call to make.

sounds like a case for family therapy or working out these old issues. your call.

[Asker]

Family won't get therapy they think their fine which they aren't- their sick mentally and I don't want anything else to do with them once we leave

[Asker]

I don't want their support as they offer none they're narcissistic abusive people - I can careless about these people and what they want..

[Asker]

These people made my kids a living hell aa a kid until adult hood - emotional, verbal , and mental abuse. Why should I care what they want and how they feel?

[lightbulb27]

if they are toxic, get away. It's not something I understand. no parents are perfect, but some people are very bad. underneath all this, is trauma and they are passing it on rather than addressing it. this is the problem with humanity... people don't want to see their flaws and change... they are really just repeating what they learned.
So go ahead, sounds like they are a drain on you all. at minimum, manage and limit contact. it's hard to be 100% away from family, they have a pull. you'll figure it out.

[Asker]

I will be cutting my family off for good with no chance of rekindling or reconciliation- I don't care what happens to them moving forward

[Asker]

They know this as I told them their getting cut off

[lightbulb27]

id suggest doing that pre Christmas. otherwise, Christmas is very stressful. one of the highest rates of heart attacks is holidays because of emotional stress.
build some new support networks in life... we all need support at times.
We've had to "manage" our parents to some extent, and we learned to do that. they were good people, but they have some bad patterns and behaviors and it gets worse as people get old. So I get where you're coming from.

[Asker]

Please don't tell me how to deal with my family- furthermore I don't celebrate pagan holidays. My family is getting cut off indefinitely- for good zero chances of rekindling or reconciliation. Idc what happens to them.. the best thing that can ever happen is me going on with my life with my children and forgetting them.

[Asker]

I've been on my own since I was a kid and managed alone over 30 years - my family doesn't support me emotionally or mentally

[lightbulb27]

wasn't suggesting how you do that, just what we had to do. sounds like there's no relationship other than abuse.
being on your own, maybe you think you don't need or want anyone in your life, you an do it all on your own. If so, then good. Other people like to have support at times, at minimum, with $ so you can pay people to do things for you. for example, my wife broke her ankle... she needed support to help with the kids, and life. I had covid when I was single and alone... at the time, there was noone who could t take me home from the hospital, help with groceries, or just function. It was hard. Can do it on your own, but having support of good partner and friends is valuable. You figured out life, you don't need anyone's approval. I don't understand your real question.

[Asker]

In regards to getting my family to understand, they will be cut off the part they can't understand.. they think this is temporary and their known to stall and harass once I distance myself

[Asker]

I don't want to get legal but may have too once we leave

[Asker]

Why I reached out to people who are having this problem- folks who have never been through this seem to sympathize who abusers. when these types of post are made most likely they are the abusers reflecting my parents and family

[lightbulb27]

so you are looking for emotional support? What you can do if you want is write your mytake on what you experienced. Some can relate.
I've seen enough "trauma" to realize what's going on has deep roots and a lot of healing is in order. To heal, a lot of times, have to get away from the source.
What country/culture is this in?
I'm sorry to hear of the suffering you endured. As mom, definitely wise to protect the children now that you see how toxic it is.
There's a lot you can do to get to a better place physically, emotionally and have a better life. you've already started that... taking resonsibility for yourself is huge.

[Asker]

I'm looking for people who went through this and what did they do? No I don't need emotional support I need people to respond who went through these excuses

[Asker]

Experiences

[lightbulb27]

gotcha.
A therapist can be helpful in this regard. I mean, it may be no different than a "breakup letter", just with parents.
plenty of people out here have had issues with family/parents, some little kids in distress. hopefully you'll get what you need.

[lightbulb27]

there's a legal mind out here... @OlderAndWiser

[Asker]

I don't want to see a therapist I've seen enough of them to know where to go with this situation- they all told me to cut my family off as their not going to chance. I'm passing seeing therapist- I'm at the place of physically and emotionally cutting them off - the only reason why I haven't cut them off physically and emotionally is because I'm still here living wise , but I'm pretty made up.. this is no legal grounds if I have to get legal once I'm gone

[Asker]

Please stop trying to give me advice unless you understand the situation and entirety- hence experiences

[OlderAndWiser]

You have posted a question on a site which is designed to solicit advice, and then you were somewhat hostile when advice was given. So, what is it that you want?

[Asker]

Noone is hostile I asked for a particular set of people who have experiences with this matter why respond if you can't relate to the situation- my question applied to those who have experiences in this matter

[Asker]

It's in my update clear as day clearly the people who are responding have experiences in this matter and can relate

[Asker]

I wouldn't respond to a post that I know nothing about -people choose to engage knowing nothing about the situation or how to give advice.. I know my family and I know how they are to make certain moves. I'm not looking to reconcile or rekindle anything/ sorry giving wrong advice can be dangerous

[TrueConfection]

Yep, left and came back, left again. It's not easy to cut family off. I love family and always wanted a big family. The family I was born into however, is abusive and toxic and for the sake of my own mental well-being... They're cut off for good this time.

[Asker]

Yes I'm at the place they have to be cut off indefinitely their not changing nor is the situation getting better on my end with them. I'm ready to cut them off for good as things are going south from here pretaining to beliefs and their behaviors

[TrueConfection]

Sometimes it's a matter of mental survival. Don't expect other people to understand though. I've been judged many, many times for not having relations with my family.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

You got to do with what you feel comfortable doing.

[Asker]

Thanks my mental health needs it 🙏🏽

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

You're Welcome :)

[KrakenAttackin]

Good luck, don't fall into the same behaviors as your family.