My boyfriend and I met in June via hinge and made things official in late August.
That said, he was lovely and, from the get-go, told his family about me, and I met his mom and brother for the first time in October 2022, but when I met them, they didn't appear welcoming or friendly.
In December, his mom invited me to their Christmas brunch and dinner. Even though they bought me gifts ( candles), his parents argued back and forth the entire time I was with them. I honestly didn't once again get to know them, and I'm sure they didn't learn anything about me, including his dad, who sat in another room watching tv the entire time. Since December, even though my boyfriend lives about 10 minutes away from his parents, and I stay over on some weekends, they have never invited us to brunch or dinner. I recently saw his mom two weeks ago when she drove us to a festival and picked us up, and the entire time I felt invisible as she fixated most of her attention on her son in terms of conversation.
So next month, on Easter Sunday, his aunt hosted his entire family at her home for dinner and invited my mom and me; at first, I honestly was very apprehensive about the idea of my mom coming and meeting his parents in particular, as I have met his aunt and other family members.
They are friendly and warm, but his parents are just pure cold, or maybe I'm assuming they are not too fond of me, as I'm black and my boyfriend is a white adopted guy.
On the other hand, my mom was excited and agreed to go, as she wasn't scheduled to work that day, and I boyfriend already relayed this information to his mom and aunt. Still, my guts are telling me not to let her go, and I have these negative feelings about this meeting.
With that being said, I do not wish to make my boyfriend feel bad about this, but are these normal emotions? Do I tell him about these emotions I have been feeling? Or I'm simply telling him that the plans have changed and I will attend this dinner.
We are both 26.
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I think your emotions are indeed perfectly normal. I think anybody in your shoes would be feeling the same way.
I think that you should tell your boyfriend how his family has made you feel. Do it gently, but still, he should know. He should at minimum be aware of how those meetings have seemed from your perspective. I'm pretty sure that he was hoping his family would do a better job of making you feel welcome. Or maybe this is all just so "normal" for him that he's completely oblivious to how the meetings seemed to you. Either way I think you should talk to him about it.
When it comes to your mom. I think the main thing is to make sure to manage her expectations. So if she's just going over to meet her daughter's boyfriend's family... her reaction is going to be similar to your reaction.
However, if you give you mom a heads-up, and explain what kind of people she's going to meet. If you describe your own experiences with his family, and a bit about why you're apprehensive about her meeting them... Your mom won't be expecting a "normal" reception. She'll understand from the outset that she shouldn't expect a "normal" situation of meeting a boyfriend's family. She won't feel offended by inappropriate behavior because she'll be expecting nothing else.
So just be open with your mom. And with your boyfriend.
If you're mom wouldn't be ok with being told these people are... unconventional. Then she will not be ok with meeting them either. So if you're mom is the type of mom with a stick-up-her-ass, then you ARE indeed best to scuttle the whole meeting. Most mom's though, would be fine as long as you give her a heads up.
I’m gonna give my advice here from the perspective of what I’d want if my girlfriend was hypothetically in this situation.
I’d want her to be honest with me and sit down and talk about it. Relationships are BOUND to have struggles eventually. It’s inevitable. The question is how you deal with them together. He can’t support you, and you can’t support him if you aren’t up front and transparent about your feelings. It also gives you a great opportunity to ask questions, and try to gather more information.
That being said. Don’t let it become a blame game or talk negatively about his family. That is a very dangerous path to go down, and won’t end well.
I think the one question that you didn’t answer that I have. Is has your boyfriend met your family before? Without his family involved? If not, I’d take that angle and say that you are nervous about it, and that after thinking about it, you think it’d be better for him to meet your family without his family involved to start. Otherwise that would be putting too many cooks in the kitchen.
If he has met them, it’s also totally fine to be hesitant about it and communicate that to him. He should want to support you. Meeting parents is stressful enough. But parents meeting parents is really stressful. And something you have zero control over. It’s totally normal to be hesitant about that. And also set extremely clear expectations on both sides about it. It honestly doesn’t sound like you have the information or knowledge to do that right now.
Based on everything you said. I’d talk to your boyfriend. But I wouldn’t go through with it at this point in time. There will be opportunities in the future. It sounds like your gut is telling you you shouldn’t, and I’d trust that.