I was a bit of a genetic abnormality when I was born. My hair was blonde as a Swede yet both my parents have dark hair. But as I got older it was obvious I had my dad’s facial features. My hair also darkened as I got older.
Anyway I have long time been at odds with my mother. She was extremely controlling and emotionally (even a few times physically) abusive when I was a kid. She was always obsessed about her image and even when I was full grown 100% independent young man she never missed an opportunity to criticize me whenever she could. I had to draw a line a few years ago and only communicate when necessary (holidays, family get togethers, emergencies, etc).
Anyway I know she has admitted to other people she made major mistakes by how she treated me as a kid. However she is way too egotistical and proud to apologize to me directly. She also had a quite obvious favoritism of my brother growing up. It’s okay for parents to have favorites but they should own up if they were ever explicitly unfair to their non-favorite.
Anyway I’m a grown man and I have spiritual beliefs. You have to love and respect your parents for bringing you into this world. I will always have both for my mother for bringing me into this world. I might not like her but I can love her.
However a revelation dawned me the other day when I saw a pic when I was just a year old with bright blonde hair. Could she of resented me when I was younger because she was worried about other people thinking my dad wasn’t my true biological father (although he definitely is)?
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of course its possible but that couldnt just be it, she obvously is a woman with a lot of issues and thats why you cut ties basically. It takes strength to see your parents as they truly are, flawed people and even more when they are flat out bad people. You can have understanding that noone is perfect as so your parents would make mistakes in parenting however some people are really jst not good and you have to come in terms with that as well.
I never thought of this before. There was a long time joke among my siblings that the “the milkman was good looking”. However my mother was extremely uptight when I was younger about how I behaved.
Anyway no one is perfect. You can’t change the past but you can reconcile it. She doesn’t even want to do that.
But this makes me very angry. I don’t think anybody ever (seriously) said something to her when I was a toddler. Yet she was terrified that other people might of thought that my true father might of be someone else at first glance. Most acquaintances don’t look closely at child’s facial features right away. So a part of her resented me about possibly making other people question my fatherhood.
She was never good at controlling her emotions. I can understand it’s tougher for most women when it comes to this. But she was notoriously worse at this though.
I want to forgive her. But I am still not sure if this revelation helps me with that or not. I won’t bring it up to her because she will never admit it (even to herself). But it makes me understand her irrational judgment even more now.
I don't know why you are fixated only on that but as i said i dubt that would just be it, she is clearly a woman with issues to even have any kind of possible opinions like that. Thats the main issue - she has issues and possibly isn't a good person.
Alright thanks for your feedback. This is very complex.
I keep reminding myself that parents are human beings and will make mistakes and have their own flaws. Raising a child is very stressful and presents its own host of challenges. Can’t expect parents to be perfect but you have to love and respect them given they brought you into this world and gave you a chance at life.
With that said her behavior towards me when I was completely independent man was completely unacceptable. I had to create a definitive boundary. But it’s tough. Extremely tough.
Yes, that makes sense to me, but it sure is unfair to her son.
She will never admit it. Even to herself. Surprised it took me so long to figure this out.
You always have to love and respect your parents for giving you a chance at life. But I am not sure where to go here.