Toxic father or no father at all?

[Anonymous]

What would be better for a kid? As a person who was always beaten and mocked and feared by his dad, I am curious about this. Maybe if I had no father, I would be much more healthier and stronger?

Toxic and violent dad is still better

No father at all is better than that

[ohsheeT]

From. 2 years old to 10 years old toxic stepfather. From about 5 years old to 10 years old was beat Black and Blue with a belt if I got in any trouble. From 14 1/2 to
15 1,/2 few times it could have gotten so crazy. But I moved out. From that day to this day no father. The only thing I can say is I wouldn't change a thing that has happen in my life.
I had to do everything the hard way I had to teach myself who to be in life
Then not knowing who I was until I was 28 and in that moment. I learnt who I didn't want to be
When. Meeting. My real father. Don't gete wrong he's a good guy but . For me I realized who I didn't want to be

I've been so blessed in so many. Ways because I can take all the bad times all the times I was beaten and learn something positive and embrace it. And let it go. the moment my son was born. Because now I will teach all 3 of those men how to raise a child . That when he hears the words I LOVE YOU
HE KNOWS WHAT THOSE WORDS TRULY MEANS.

Being raised with no fear
Being raised with love morals values in ethics. Being raised with no disciplined no hitting no verbal abuse . No time out. No taking away any privileges.

But with a few simple words and more
responsibility keeping the focus on him
and not turning it towards myself. Or any guilt trips . it was calm to the point with little word spoken.

That boy is now a 6'5 200 something pound buff beautiful kid smart intelligent fireman paramedic

Who is not afraid to be walking through a mall and see me and yell across to the other side Daddy be line it towards me rap his arms around me and say I love you in front of other firemen God and whoever else is watching. Because he knows exactly who he is and he doesn't care what anybody thinks or says he is a man's man and he's proud to be himself

So I can tell you from my heart I wouldn't change a thing

The words what if have never ever come out of my mouth.

Because everything I went through was well worth the outcome that I got from my son

If I had to go through it all again I would do it exactly the same way

[jshm2]

What the fuck you going to do with no father? A toxic one can at least hold up your jacket while you put it on!

Joking aside, most of the time, it's toxic/bad parents letting their mental health go. Usually so you could have a bit better of something. But they're crazy and don't have the mental capacity to do better.

Hence bitching about bad parents and fighting them, just makes both of you dirtier and crazier. Better to seek help for them and for you.

[provokeesmokee]

For me it was my mother who was toxic and my father enabled her.

I don't really speak to my father outside of a sport we both do. I don't speak to my mother at all.

It would've been better for me had she died and my father remarried to a normal woman.

However, though I'm childfree by choice and my childhood informed that, I know I'd be a better parent than mine were.

Don't let the history of your father continue to ruin you. Get therapy, get medication if your parents refused to get you what you needed, and dedicate some time to healing. It's worthwhile.

[nastyb]

I was in a similar situation. My mother was a narcissist while my father was an enabler who carried out her bullying.

[cuteangelprincess]

Both options are obviously bad.
Men who are fatherless lack decenr behavior most of the time. They have no one to teach them how to be a man and how to treat a woman etc. They learn that from things they see online or friend circle, so could be very bad or quite good.
A toxic father will make you insecure life long. You will be very sad and mad at your dad eventually that he never showed you love. You could begin abusing substances to bear with the pain or eventually abuse your wife and kids because that's what you know from your father figure.

[BlackBeauty90]

So you're saying a toxic violent father that teaches you to beat on others, including women, is preferred to no father.

[cuteangelprincess]

I literally never said that?

[Beautyblossom2]

I agree. Both the options are bad!

[nastyb]

its not true that fatherless kids have indecent behavior. It all has to do with how the single mother raised them. Just like there are good single moms, there are also bad single moms. I know plenty of single moms who raised very well behaved kids.

[Beautyblossom2]

@nastyb I have all my respect for great single moms.. But still I feel a family NEEDS a good father figure. Even if people turn out to be decent (very appreciable), they could've had some help (esp. Boys) Their life I'm sure was very hard. My one friend is an amazing successful grounded person with a single mom. I like her mom too she gave her everything, raised her extremely well. But still, they both could've had an easier, more happier life if their father wasn't a bad/toxic one... But since he was, obviously they were better off without him.. Its just.. It shows that she felt that growing up n I wish she didn't have to go through that.

[nastyb]

@Beautyblossom2

Nobody has a perfect childhood. You can't expect every child to have a loving decent father. I had a father but he was a bully toxic and abusive. I just graduated with my second bachelor's degree 2 days ago, working a very good job. I didn't have a good childhood but I didn't look for excuses to fail in life.

Its unrealistic how people assume that every child should have the perfect childhood. Life is not perfect! Parents divorce and end up seeing dad once a month. Sometimes kids dont have fathers. This is how life is. Nobodys life is perfect. And we can't make the assumption that since someone faced hardship in childhood then it must mean theyre doomed.

[nastyb]

@Beautyblossom2

I dont think single moms raise bad kids. It all has to do with bad parenting skills. I know plenty of kids who have 2 decent Loving parents who do drugs, fail in school, yell back at their parents, misbehave, never do housework, 25 years old and unemployed living with mom and dad

Its just that society is predjudiced towards single moms. They love overblowing things that single moms do wrong but ignore or overlook things when married parents do wrong

[inhua]

@nastyb

[ I know plenty of kids who have 2 decent Loving parents who do drugs, fail in school, yell back at their parents, misbehave, never do housework, 25 years old and unemployed living with mom and dad ]

it's call brainwashing brought upon by pop culture, social media, peer pressure, entertainment and news propaganda. kids wanting to be a part of the cool/popular group so they don't get bullied or ostracized.

parents accused of being oppressive and insecure for not letting their kids do whatever they want whether it's going to drunk parties or dressing inappropriately or having reckless sex or dating people who are clearly bad for them etc.

parents today aren't even allowed to question the schools on what they are teaching in their kids in the classroom. they are literally handicapped and at the mercy of the cancel culture woke mob

[nastyb]

@inhua

I know many parents who would even defend their kid when their kid is a bully at school. Many parents think the school punishing their kids is the same as "attacking" their kids. It has nothing to do with HOW MANY PARENTS the kid has, it all has to do with QUALITY of the parents.

Many parents complain about raising shitty teens who are rebellious, talk back, unemployed or under employed, fail in school, do drugs. Bad kids are created by bad parents. Bad kids are NOT BORN to be bad kids

[inhua]

@nastyb quality of kids is of no guarantee tied to the quality of the parents

parents can do everything right and the kid can still end up being bad because of peer pressure, wanting to fit in with the popular group, having a crush on a bad person etc.

plenty of liberal kids talking back to their conservative parents, having unprotected sex in secret, secretly hanging out with friends their parents wouldn't approve of, doing drugs and keeping their depressing thoughts hidden etc.

kids tend to be immature and full of hormones during their rebellious phase. if a good boy is horny he'd allow his feelings to get the better of him and do stupid shit to impressive the hot girl. likewise good girls (and bad girls) are attracted to bad boys and their emotions can't be logically reasoned with

you underestimate how powerful the influence of degenerate societal culture has on the youth. good parents can minimize some of the influences more so than bad parents but overall they are still being handicapped because they can't monitor their kids 24/7

[nastyb]

@inhua

[parents can do everything right and the kid can still end up being bad because of peer pressure, wanting to fit in with the popular group, having a crush on a bad person etc.]

parents are responsible for sending their kids to good schools. if you send your kid to a shit school where all the shitty kids are... dont say its not your fault for your kid bending over to social pressures.

I used to get hit with a hanger or belt as a kid... it was the most effective punishment in making kids behave. Parents are not allowed to beat their kids anymore that's why our teens have turned to trash nowadays compared to prior generations. In the 1970s, it was normal to beat your kids. Kids back then were so much more respectful and did so much better in school.

[cuteangelprincess]

LMAO I used to get beaten too and I'd say it helped, but I wouldn't want to beat my kids. I wish there was a solution without violence 😅

[nastyb]

@cuteangelprincess

it didn't help because it didn't hurt enough.

trust me, if it hurt enough, it would work.

a simple few spanks on the ass doesn't work. kids need the belt.

[nastyb]

many people demonize hitting as a form of punishment. But realize that hitting had been an acceptable, effective form of punishment for MILLIONS of years. It had only been uncommon over the past 20-30 years. And over the past 20 years, kids have been the WORST IN HISTORY.

[inhua]

@nastyb not every good school can take in every student. and culture within schools are largely determined by the students themselves because they are the majority. sure, teachers and staff can set rules but they can't control what the students like and want.

if students want to not hang out with a particular student, they can. if students want to listen to rap music and be inspired by such, they can. if students want to not put effort into class, they can.

parents and teachers who discipline kids are more likely to get disciplined themselves for doing such.

[nastyb]

@inhua

you teach the kid certain values when they are young. you don't wait until they are 15 years old to finally start telling them do not do drugs, have sex or get pregnant. these are things that you brainwash into them when they are 9 or 10 years old. I went to a school where there were teens who don't do their homework, get suspended a lot, got into fights, did drugs, cut school. But I never wanted to be them because I was taught at a young age that school meant everything to my future. Without an education, you will have no future. This was what my parents repeated to me DAILY since I was as young as 5 years old.

A lot of these kids who cut school, did drugs, get pregnant at 16, fail in school HAD bad parents. And being a good parent is not just cuddling with your kids and cooking them breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is also instilling proper values into them at a young age

Adolf hitler once said : "If you tell someone the same thing on a daily basis for a very very long time, they will believe it".

A lot of these kids who are "bad" are raised by parents who don't beat their kids. And by beating, I don't mean a few slaps on a ass, I mean whipped with a belt.

[nastyb]

@inhua

whenever I didn't do well in school, I got hit with a hanger and it HURT A LOT. Thats how I got straight As in school.

[nastyb]

I grew up with a bad-tempered abusive father. Even up until now that I am in my late 20s, I am still dealing with his bullying around the house. I will be officially abandoning my family forever after this year.

I really hate it when people pity kids without a father. Because after having through all the bullshit over all these years, I can confidently say that my life would have been so much BETTER WITHOUT A FATHER. I really wished I never had a father and was raised by a single mom. Fatherless kids are not the ones that you should feel sorry for. Its the kids that are ABUSED that deserve some sympathy.

I would've been so much better off being raised by a wonderful single mother. This experience sounds divine.

[Unit1]

Very familiar song. I have left my family a few years ago. It is very liberating.
Stay strong.

[nastyb]

@Unit1

Haha if murder werw legal, my family would be dead long ago

[menina]

As someone who also has a toxic father, I would say that having no father is better. Don't mean to offend anyone who has lost their father. If you any user did, I'm sorry for their loss.

But having someone who lies constantly, who is a manipulator, who blackmails you often, who is violent, misogynist and racist as a "father" is not good for anyone.

[Julie_TS]

No father here (mom got pregnant in high school, never met) but my uncle was very much a dad to me as much as he could. Alternatively, a friend from school his father was an alcoholic and his home life was terrible.

[Drooogie4]

The absence would always be better than active abuse.

[HelpfulWoman]

Yeah, no father is better than an abusive one. Since then the child has the chance to find a positive male role model to aspire to and learn from.

[strateguy632]

better no dad. then you might feel natural love for the father you never met. now you remember his hitting.

[JackCarter]

A good father is the best option
But no father is better than toxic one

[serious]

Out of the 2 options, no father at all is the best option for the kid.

[ventustalks]

I have a toxic and violent father. I stopped communicating with him. I prefer not having him around

[Wonderingguyy]

I had a father much like yours, and I think I would have been better off without him. I believe I’m person I am today because of my mum.

[Unit1]

I'll take no father.

And I say this having had a toxic and violent and abusive father.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

In the other words a child of Satan in your life or no devil in your life?

You know the right answer to your own question.

[Bobbybopeep]

People always hype the both parent train. But I never understood it. Had an absent father and never felt like I needed one

[Grovermint]

None at all is better than being abused by someone that's supposed to take care of you.

[Jmmmfi4]

I was abused by my dad my entire life and I can definitely say I would have been much better without him

[inhua]

in what way did he beat you or mock you and the reasons why?

you could be exaggerating his "toxicity" so details are needed

[BlackBeauty90]

Details aren't need, ya troll.

[Asker]

For example, when I was 7 years old, I was bad at math, and he punched me and blacked my eyes, and i went to school with those black eyes. Too many incidents like that. Even when we play games, he would bully me, because i was bad at that game

[inhua]

actually details are needed. people can often conflate discipline with abuse

[inhua]

punched you specifically for getting the wrong answers at math?

I'm finding it hard to believe this father of yours cares so much about math as if he were Asian and then physically beating you for the purpose of making you get the answers right

when playing games, is he just talking trash or is he deliberately being disrespectful? what does he specifically say?

[Asker]

He always found thousands of excuses to beat me abuse me and bully me. He was a strict muslim. He supported shariah laws.

[jimmy2]

It hard I know but when you can live and make it then take off
No one desire that.

[iseekpinetrees]

Not being abused is always better

[Beautyblossom2]

A 'good' father figure is important

[gothbxtch]

obviously no father