Should the father be in the birthroom?

[marish01]

Only if he wants and the mother doesn't mind

Only if he wants no matter how much the mother wants him to be there

He must if the mother wants so. His wish doesn't matter

Updates

8 mo

I wouldn't want him to be there. It's not a pleasant experience for a man to see it.

[Anonymous]

Voted for "whatever the mother wishes."

While I know that sounds rather harsh, the truth is that it gives a man an appreciation of the heroism - no other word really works - that a woman goes through in childbirth. Not optional, to be sure, but still ennobling.

More than that, though, as a man who saw three of his four children being born and who regrets to this day not seeing the birth of the fourth child, there was just something so incredible about seeing the birth of my offspring. They are the greatest gift, the greatest miracle, that I was ever given.

Frankly, I treat each Father's Day as a second Thanksgiving because I am so grateful for the little gifts I was given. I cannot imagine my life without them or the wonderful woman who gave birth to them.

(In the case of my first child, truth in advertising, their mother and I had a one night stand and I got her pregnant. She opted not to tell me and waited 12 years to tell me that I had a son. It is more painful than words can say as I missed not only his birth but so much more.)

Seeing them born was a lesson that taught me to be grateful for what I have and to never let a day go by without telling them how much I love them. Every man, in my view, needs that experience. It would make the world a little better and safer place.

[Andres77]

When going through my medical training I assisted in four births. Of those only one dad was present. That mother seemed to have an easier experience so I decided that I would be present in the birth of both of my daughters. Personally, I think it’s better for everyone if the father is present. Because of my training i was familiar with the process and I was not in the way. plus if the medical staff had any questions, I was immediately available to answer everything and I could hold her hand or distract her throughout the process.

[Anonymous]

Definitely should be both people want it that way, or it could be bad, taking into account that not everyone giving birth is in a healthy relationship (with the same person they were when they got pregnant) at the time of the birth.

When my husband gave birth he wanted me in the room, but only so that he could do a home birth without endangering the baby. He didn't really want anyone in the room, but knew better than that. So I trained/learned the basics, and then was just there with the water and towels and shit, and a phone in case anything went wrong. I actually wanted to be there, but obviously was not a pleasant xp anyway.

[Light_beam]

your husband gave birth? wait what planet is this? Mars?

[Opinion Owner]

@Light_beam he's just trans lol chill

[Light_beam]

chill? how?

[Opinion Owner]

@Light_beam u acted like I said he has antennas or something, like an alien, that's all.

[Light_beam]

he is giving birth to a child.. the same to me.. plus a guy with a pussy? and you are a girl with penis?

[Opinion Owner]

@Light_beam where do you think children normally come from? Somebody always has to give birth to them. And I seriously doubt you've never heard of trans people before, but in case you really are just confused, a trans person is someone who's body is typical of people of the opposite gender. So a trans man, if he can't afford or doesn't need corrective genital surgery, will have a pussy, yes. And a trans girl in the same situation would have a dick. Because unlike intersex people, trans people don't have corrective genital surgery performed on them as infants. They have to be adults before that's an option, and they have to make that decision for themselves.

[Light_beam]

but you? you are a girl with a dick?

[Opinion Owner]

@Light_beam that's not relevant but no, I'm not.

[Light_beam]

okay.. thanks for the answer.. i am confused here.. how did your husband got pregenant? he is bisexual?

[Opinion Owner]

@Light_beam that's also not relevant. Look, you know how babies are made, yes? And now you know trans people have babies the same way anyone else does. So, you already know the general options for how my husband could have got pregnant. I don't see what's confusing about the idea.

[Light_beam]

the confusing part is that you would allow him to have sex with a man to get pregnant!

[Opinion Owner]

@Light_beam that's not the only option... We're not special, there are tons of couples who have babies in all sorts of different ways. To help solve some of this confusion, I'll list some of the ways different people can/have got pregnant and had babies together.

Obviously there's opt. 1: man and woman with working complementary organs that fuck and boom, baby. There's also opt. 1 with any two people who have the required functioning organs, man/woman or otherwise. Then there's opt. 1, but the couple then break up and one of them gets with someone else (who they didn't fuck to make the baby, but does help parent the baby). Then there's people who opt. 1 happens to them, when they don't want it to, but decide to keep and parent the baby anyways (with or without a partner).

And right there that's 4 different options out of just the simplest method. Opt. s 1a, 1b, 1c, and 1d. There's also option 2, in vitro, and all the sub-categories of that option. Then there's option 3, surrogacy, and all the sub-caregories of how that can play out. So I hope this clarifies that there's many different situations in which people get pregnant and babies are born, and there's no reason why our case is unique among all the others.

[Light_beam]

it is unique to me.. i have never met a case like this before.
and it is not something i see in my country

[Opinion Owner]

@Light_beam well I really appreciate your trying to be respectful and learn more. I know my husband is okay with me discussing the pregnancy and birth online, at least using this account that's basically anonymous. But I don't feel like it's my place to say how he got pregnant. If you really want to discuss our case since it's one specific and I'd know most about it, i could ask my husband if he'd be okay with you knowing more. You seem genuinely just interested and not mean about it. I'm just hesitant bc I've had bad encounters in the past just with mentioning he's trans (that's why I chose to go anonymous for this question)

[Light_beam]

yea.. i am not trying to be mean to you at all.. why would i? you can tell me in pm if it is ok for both of you.. otherwise then thank you for this conversation..

[marish01]

If a person is born with a vagina then that person is female

[Opinion Owner]

@marish01 everyone is born with a vagina unless they're C-sectioned out, silly. Stay on topic. You asked, I answered, just like everyone else did. And we agree that both parents should only be in the same room for the birth if both parents want that.

[Light_beam]

you are talking to someone else... not meeeeee

[Opinion Owner]

@Light_beam yes I know. Sorry about that. I have the go ahead if you want to continue discussion in pms? I'm a bit busy this morning tho so I will be slow with replies.

[Light_beam]

you have to message me.. you are anon.. so i can't message you

[Opinion Owner]

@Light_beam yes, was just confirming.

[soulOnDisplay]

@Light_beam Her "husband"(wink) gave birth. In their relationship the woman is the husband and the man is the wife. Simple as that. You still have a male and a female.

[Opinion Owner]

@soulOnDisplay for all u know I actually am from Mars. Nobody asked you, so fuck off of my opinion & convo.

[whirled_up_girl]

Well I think generally the father is there, if for some reason the mother didn't want him to it probably means they don't have a good relationship or something. I guess I've never heard of a mothers in a stable relationship not wanting him in there. Sometimes there might be some difficulties and the mother might need something surgical and there would be a point in time where the father wouldn't be there or they would bring him in on the other side of the curtain in the surgery suite.

[mobiusforniner]

I was there for all my kids births. there's something uniquely special about it. When my kids came out, I held them, comforted their first cries, put on their first diapers, felt their fingers curl around mine... i was filled with ultimate love for them. In that chaotic moment, time literally stopped. I saw their entire life before me... the sleepless nights, picking them up from school, going to sports games, dances, camping, road trips... this... is my family. And here I was welcoming them to the beginning of it all. Of course I will be there. If I can't be there when theyre born, im developing excuses to not be there for them later.

I seldom cry. But shit, watching my kids births made me cry uncontrollably.

[provokeesmokee]

If a man can't handle supporting his partner through labour and being there for the birth, he will NOT be able to be the best father he can be.

Those moments are important, not only for the baby but also for the parents.

Fuck this "it's not appropriate for a man to witness". He fucked the baby into you, he can handle the reality of its birth and so can you. You didn't make that child alone and you hopefully won't raise it alone.

It's goddamn 2023, not 1953.

[mobiusforniner]

Damn right. I had a coworker who went to work when his wife was in labor. Said it wasn't his job to be there.

Like, the fuck...

[ChooChooHaha]

Even in 1953... shit.

[marish01]

Not wanting to see the process doesn't mean not being a good father

[Anonymous]

It's not just a given the father is supposed to be in the room?

I can't think of a more important time to be next to your wife.

How could you not see that as your duty as a man? To me, it's almost on the same level as food and shelter. Like what does your wife have you for at that point?

Honestly, I don't even know how I like the idea of having a bunch of strange doctors do anything other than guide the situation or take over if something unusual happens. I think the first person to touch the baby ideally should be it's father.

"hard to watch" it's almost funny how ridiculous that is. Like what kind of man can sit in the next room over, listening to their wife screaming as his child is about to be birthed and even if it's small, there's a chance one of them could die. I don't think I would even be able to force myself not to be there.

[marish01]

But some men don't want to see and hear her suffer. It doesn't make them cold.
And some women don't want their husbands be present at childbirth.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@marish01 👍🔥

[Opinion Owner]

I'm sorry, I don't understand how you can love someone or have any sense of responsibility or pride or duty and sit just outside a room where a life or death situation is taking place for essentially the only two things in the world that should matter to you.

If your wife doesn't want you there, that's her choice but as a man to just be like "that's too much for me" it's not about being cold it's about being so mushy that you can't perform your duties as a man to your family.

It's the opposite of cold, it's shortsighted and childish.

[WhiteBoyChill]

Part of being mature though is also recognizing your own limits.

If a guy knows he’s just going to be screaming and panicking and getting on everybody’s nerves, is it really wise for him to be there if it’s just going to make the already distressing situation even more distressing?

[Opinion Owner]

@WhiteBoyChill the question is should the father be in the room. It's a general question. Obviously like anything else, there's going to be outlier situations that take place. I can see how someone like me who has had to face the things I have might be slightly less understanding about this kind of thing.

What Im so taken back by is how people don't see it as a man's responsibility.

To me, that argument is the same to me as the classic example of the guy who became injured and now the family has to take care of him. Yes, it's the families responsibility to take care of the father in that case if he had been fufulling his duties otherwise beforehand, but that doesn't change the fact that if he isn't figuring out how to put food on the table or at least trading places with the wife's traditional role and raising the kids, then he's not fulfilling his role as a man to lead, protect and be aware of his family.

And if a guy is going to be doing all those things, he's almost certainly not ready for a family and it should be a real wake up call for himself and the mother. Discipline and focus are the most important things a guy needs to be considered a man.

[Apple1996]

He should definitely be there and should be helping assist during the labor and birth process. My husband has seen all 4 of our kids births and even caught 1 of them. I wouldn't have been able to do it without him. It's mens natural role to be the one to deliver the baby.

[Kelly6]

totally agree

[Bklynbadboy12]

I agree I want to experience the whole thing with her from the moment of conception to birth I want to rub her belly and read my child a book. I'd want them to feel mu love even while there still in the womb

[Apple1996]

@Bklynbadboy12 awh that's soo sweet! You'd be a amazing daddy

[Bklynbadboy12]

I hope so im sooooooo ready to be one

[Anemone978]

He should be there because he made the baby too.. I shouldn't have go through it alone.. but luckily for him we had done C-sections so he didn't have to see that nast coming out lol

[marish01]

So if I hire a surrogate. During the childbirth of my baby is it okay if I don't want to be present in the birthroom?

[Anemone978]

You should be there if she wants you there.. but that is a totally different thing because she isn't even having her own kid.. I would never birth a kid that wasn't mine..

[marish01]

But it is my kid and I don't have to be present there if I don't want to.
Same applies to fathers.

[Anemone978]

Yeah but she is being paid to have the kid.. and probably has someone she wants there with her..
But sure that is what you feel, but I sure as fuck wouldn't be having a kid from someone that wouldn't come with me.

[marish01]

But still I can choose not to be there although it's my child. The same applies to men.

[Anemone978]

They can choose obviously.. but if they want to stay with the woman, and she wants him there he better be there or expect consequences for his actions..
Why are you defending men, like "It is their choice"? most men want to be there to see their kids right away anyways..

[marish01]

That's the thing
IF they WANT.
It should be their CHOICE.

[Anemone978]

When you actually get a partner.. you do things together whether you want to or not.. because you are a team.. You are partners.. That's how being married is... you compromise for the other person..

[marish01]

Yes that is one of the reasons I would not mind him not being present at the childbirth if he didn't want to. Like you said I should compromise for the other person and do things with him whether I want to or not. So it doesn't matter if I want him to be there with me it is still his choice. If he wants to be there then fine if he doesn't then still fine.

[Anonymous]

If at all possible. A friend of mine wanted to leave because he was feeling sick. Naturally his wife wanted him there and told him he wasn't going anywhere. Eventually she looked over and saw how bad he looked and told him to go. He didn't want to leave but he was going to physically sick. So before she told him to leave he held her hand and just kept turning away intermittently.

I'm not posting this to get sympathy for the guy. It goes without saying that she and thier baby was the focus. But this is what you do when you love someone. You put the other person's needs above yours because you care about them and know they'd do the same.

[ohsheeT]

As a father there's nothing or nobody that could have kept me out of the delivery room I got to deliver my kids

And it is an experience in a life-changing moment it's one of the most beautiful things that a man could go through I believe or at least it was for me

[sunflower00]

Surely you would want to be there for the birth of your child?


If I’m having a baby I would assume my partner would be there to witness the birth of his child and for support? Omg I am not doing that alone


My dad was there for all 4 of his kids births and I don’t think he would’ve had it any other way!

[molonski2]

No choice pretty much in Australia , you'd have to present a great excuse to get out of it , very very glad that I attended both births , certainly unforgettable moments , 1 x first born incredible , 2 x Breach birth done naturally ( no C - section , one of the last done this way ) , incredible moments.

[EricSummer]

Only if both want it. However, if the woman wants him to be there I do not see how he could refuse. Maybe if he was extremely nervous about such things so that he would stress her out even more.

For my middle child I was not there as I was at home looking after the oldest child, then a toddler. That's a fair point, too, I think.

[DJB72]

My son was delivered by caesarian and although there were complications which made it difficult - my wife went into shock and almost died - we're both glad I was there.

It needs to be a joint decision. BOTH parents need to be absolutely certain they want the father there.

[annabananna]

I had a c section and there was a curtain so he didn’t see anything. I’m glad he was there to distract me because I was scared. However, it’s up to the person. I actually thought I wouldn’t want him in there but when it came down to it I wanted him next to me.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Damn I know that hurted

[annabananna]

It did but honestly I was just so glad to not be pregnant anymore. I had a lot of complications.

[Little_Bumblebee]

Ideally, yes.

As long as the mother is okay with it.

We also have to remember people have different relationships.
And during birth the comfort of the mother is what's most important.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@Little_Bumblebee Surprisingly enough that’s something @gorydetails can’t understand in his feeble mind

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill A virgin loser doesn't get to try to pretend he's superior to others.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails You’re the same guy willing to pretend you’re superior to your own wife.

If you actually cared about her, you’d respect her and whatever it is she wants in that moment

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails Also the status of someone’s virginity doesn’t define a person’s character or success in life.

Only someone who’s still mentally in his teenage years would think so

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill it shows you're absolutely repulsive to women. I guess that's why you're simping so hard in this thread

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails I’ve never asked a woman for sex before because I’ve never felt ready.

Does that really make me a detestable person? To just want to wait until I feel its the right time?

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill you don't get to pretend you understand male/female relationships.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails All I know is that there are other people in relationships that don’t share your philosophy

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill No shit, sherlock. there are relationships where people beat their kids, too. That's not my philosophy, and that doesn't make their philosophy right.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails In the same way not valuing your wife’s comfort is also not philosophically right.

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill good wives in good relationships want the emotional and physical support of their partner and wouldn't fathom depriving him of the chance to see his child be born. Once again, you're showing your utter ignorance with relationships with women. You're like a blind man trying to describe a flower to me.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails All I can say is, if I were going through a medically distressing situation, I’d want as much space as possible from everyone.

Its wrong to just assume any woman that wants space doesn’t care for their partner.

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill Yeah, and you once again, show you have fuckall clue about childbirth, marriage, families or relationships. Come back when you've learned a bit and moved out of mom's house.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails I’m actually in school currently and I stay at an apartment through the summer with roomates. But thanks for making crass assumptions

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill Who pays the rent?

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails I do? Wtf?

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill lol. as I said, come back when you grow up a bit.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails Anyway its a logical fallacy to assume every healthy relationship is going to have all people thinking in exactly the same way. It varies from person to person.

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill you're like a toddler trying to explain interest rates to me.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails And you’re like an asshat with a tough guy persona that had no friends.

Oh wait….. that’s actually true. 😆

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill lol, I'll be sure to tell my friends some virgin on the internet thinks they're fake.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails I mean yeah, like-minded people are drawn to eachother lol.

Anyway, you still talk a tough game but I’m sure you’re quite the little guy behind that screen of yours

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill you're projecting.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails LMFAO 😂

[WhiteBoyChill]

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill Exactly as I suspected. Keep trying to cover it up.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails Bud I ain’t covering anything up. You’ve put your personality on full display. Lmfao

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill You're correct. You're projecting your loserdom on me.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails I ain’t projecting anything lmao.

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill I wouldn't be so sure about that.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@gorydetails whatever you want to believe is fine with me, i guess

[gorydetails]

@WhiteBoyChill it's what you're proving, actually.

[A_Bell]

My husband was there, but it's weird in a way. What other surgeries invite guests?

In the old days it was discouraged. Some people faint at the sight of blood. You wouldn't want a medical emergency during a crowning.

[katiesmuff]

No sense of him being there if he doesn't want to be so I selected the first choice.

[Daniela1982]

@marish01 Wouldn't you want your husband there to ss their child born? I don't think there can be any shame in that, any more than breast feeding. Nothing he hasn't seen before as far as body parts.

[CubsterShura]

It's not pleasant for a man to see but for a woman to literally go through and experience? I challenge anyone to justify that idea without infantilizing men.

[marish01]

So if I hire a surrogate. During the childbirth is it okay if I don't want to be present in the birthroom?

[CubsterShura]

You have the right to not be in the birth room if you don't want, but please stop coddling men like they are fragile babies who need protection. How come men are tough enough for all violent actions and war and all that but god forbid a man sees a baby coming out of his mother's womb he is going to disintegrate?

[marish01]

He has the right to not be in the birth room either.
Some men might feel disgust. Have you seen women's faces and heard their roars whild giving birth?
Noting pleasant.

[CubsterShura]

Yes I've consumed enough real birth content also had enough babies in my large family to have been very familiar with how birth goes. If it's unpleasant enough for a man to not handle them why is it fine enough for the woman to experience, why is it fine enough for him to put a woman through that to bear his child? Why do men have to be "protected" from this unpleasant sight and sound but women have to endure all the unpleasant pain and physical symptoms?

[marish01]

"If it's unpleasant enough for a man to not handle them why is it fine enough for the woman to experience"
Because she wanted to have a child.

[CubsterShura]

So what if a man wants a child?

[marish01]

He can still want a child without feeling the urge for seeing it come out of the vagina

[CubsterShura]

Wanting a child does not equal being ready for one.

[CubsterShura]

I could want to be an astronaut and maybe even apply but clearly I'm not ready to go to space without the rigorous education and training that goes behind it.

[marish01]

Not wanting to see the process of childbirth doesn't mean not being ready to be a father

[CubsterShura]

It very much is actually. Not saying that he has to be obsessed with it but not wanting to be there for your child and your partner as a man because of not being able to handle childbirth seems like a pretty strong indication of not being ready for fatherhood to me. Why are men tough enough to go to wars and shit but then childbirth is something that they need to be protected from?

[marish01]

It's not protection. It's just some men don't want to see it.
Now explain (if you can) how not wanting to see the process of childbirth means he will not be a good father.
And describe what kind of bad father he might be for refusing to see the childbirth. Lol

[CubsterShura]

Some people in general are sensitive to seeing things that involve a lot of blood and other things. You know very well that it isn't about just some people being sensitive to certain things because everyone knows that and no one questions it. You specifically chose to ask if men should be in the birth room and defending those who believe men should and if that's not "protection" I don't know what is. Do you have the same passion towards child-free women? Or are those women who don't want to go through pregnancy and childbirth "selfish" and not good enough women to you?

I have no doubts that there are men out there who haven't seen their children being born and are great fathers, however when we live in a world where people are becoming more aware of the stupidity of certain gender norms and putting them under further scrutiny, I would definitely question what else a man will be incapable of doing as a father if he is not even capable of witnessing his own child's birth. He could absolutely be someone making the mother do everything that he finds inconvenient for himself and I'm not attracted to that. I don't want my children to have an absent father.

[marish01]

"Or are those women who don't want to go through pregnancy and childbirth "selfish" and not good enough women to you?"
It's their choice just like it's the choice of men who don't want to see the process of childbirth.

[CubsterShura]

Good. I require my man to be at the birth room if I'm having a child with him and I am not having a child with someone who doesn't want that.

[marish01]

Your choice.

[question_asker]

It's a uniquely female experience that men have zero frame of reference for. He does not help the process at all. A man being in the delivery room is like a woman going into a war. They aren't meant to be there.

[Anonymous]

Seems like the sort of question that should be answered by the only two individuals who are effected by it--the two specific people in the couple.

Or are we no longer allowed to make personal choices on anything? Does absolutely everything need to be decided by "society?"

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

As a right, no. Personally I think there's no need for him to be there.

Just wait outside til the baby comes out then you can see it. It always been that way anyways.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the couple and their circumstances. But if the father wants to be there and wants to be a father to th child, it's extremely selfish of the mother to deny him that experince. I have heard of so many cases where they did, and I think it's very selfish of those women.