How to recover from being raised by narcissistic parents?

Question

My life has been controlled by my parents and my grandmother well into my mid 20s. I feel like my whole youth has been wasted. I never had any of the experiences that normal young people have. I wasn't even allowed to go outside the house. I am just used by my parents to take care of my grandmother. I have no friends to learn any social skills from.

My father forced me to study engineering and I became an engineer. I work 50 hours a week in a job that I hate just because my father wouldn't allow any other career path. Finally my father has agreed to let me study linguistics, but 10 years of my life got wasted trying to be an engineer.

It's extremely upsetting for me to see other young people going out with friends, going to pubs, restaurants, going on road trips etc. I never did any of that.

My whole youth is lost and I don't think I can ever move past this sadness. Even if I get my freedom now I will live like a mentally stunted adult with no social skills and no idea how to act like an adult. I am so used to being told what to do, I can never stand up for myself.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I’m raised by narcissistic emotionless parents. It’s also perhaps an uncanny coincidence I too, became an engineer simply because my parents had no other path in mind. And even after I’ve amassed a solid, well paying career, it’s never enough. I’m always falling short of their expectations. I’m a failure. A loser. I had low self esteem and lacking social skills. I struggled with dating and making friends. I am constantly reminded of this every time I talk with them

The first step to moving on is acceptance. I realized my parents behave this way because they suffer from low self esteem themselves. They don’t have a positive self image and live vicariously through me to boost perceptions of self. Any accomplishment on my part is directly owed to their greatness and sacrifice. I’m an empty vessel to them and they will never see me as anything else. See it for what it is and accept that nothing will change their behavior

next is letting go. Not necessarily a physical act; but rather an abandonment of what YOU want from them. I learned this “letting go” is the ultimate expression of love, because it is setting aside my desire for the betterment of all. For me, i let go of wanting my parents to see me as a successful and hardworking son. I can’t change others but I can change myself. If I want this relationship to grow, I cannot keep watering the same dying plant and expecting it to flower. Something must yield. Must give. I realized that was me

the resolution will be different for different people. In my case, my parents were so extremely toxic and violent, ultimately I went no contact and have remained that way for over a year. My parents reacted by shaming and disinheriting me but I accept it’s MY life and I am in charge of MY happiness. The result was investing in myself. Developing hobbies and interests which defined ME. Taking chances, making mistakes and being okay with that. I learned what works and what doesn’t, it because my parents said so; it because I experienced it. And in that manner I feel more complete, my self esteem grew and I am free

Let go. Feel free

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

That's extreme in control... never going out? Must be Asian or indian... wild guess.

I had some of this in that I wasn't allowed to make decisions and punished when I did. Thus, I suffered and had to learn the hard way.

It isn't awful to be an engineer... you make money and have success. You are comparing what you don't have to nothing. It could have been worse... much worse.

Being older now, you can go out on your own, and start to learn. So pick a domain, and start to do it. Get a bicycle, go ride with people. Play a sport w others. Join a club. Everywhere you go, learn to talk to people. Read books and watch videos on socializing, then go practice. Help walk dogs, start a dog walking business. etc... the world is your oyster.

Even a caged animal all it's life... once set free, will find joy in the freedom. We had a dog like that, and it was one happy dog once we turned it loose.

naartjie · Accepted Answer

You don’t. Or at least I didn’t. I just live day by day. I feel the same as you. I often think back on my life.
So hard to not go down a spiral, I get it. I lived alone with my dad who ruined a lot of my childhood and I was completely alone with no family or friends living in a different country.
I’ve tried therapy but they all say the same thing, they all just answer like a robot or just repeat back what you said and ask about my feelings… as if that’s not evident, even more so when I bring up situations that have made me feel how I am now.
I did emdr therapy for my ptsd but that didn’t help…

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Yes that sucks. And this is a sucky part of your story.
What I find helps... is realising that almost every person has a sucky part of their story. It is part of what being a human being is about. Things that suck. and Things that are awesome about our story.
Is there things that are awesome about your story that you can focus on?
This might not help. And might feel like its minimising your pain.
But I found that if we just focus on sadness too much. It just creates more and more. And then learned helpnessness starts.

rosemilk · Answer

geez i can relate to that last paragraph too much. i'm sorry. best thing i can tell you to do is go to therapy. i myself am not ready for therapy yet. but there is no other way to cope with something as heavy as that. but the end game is eventually acceptance and forgiveness, which is hard to give people that treated you like that

JoePro_ · Answer

I understand what it's like having a difficult home life and growing up with difficult parents. My difficulties are different from yours, but both of our experiences qualify for seeking additional help.

I would say, seek a therapist. There's probably a lot of things you need to work on. Reframing and coping with certain experiences, learning how to set boundaries, learning how to socialize normally, etc. Therapists can help you work through the mental side of your troubles, and set goals for the more practical aspects of your troubles.

I work in behavioral health, and even those of us who work in it realize we need help sometimes. The majority of us have also seen therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists at some point. Mental health is just as - maybe even more - important as/than physical health. Don't let the stigma of it stop you from getting help. And many insurances will cover the costs of therapy.

Best of luck.

Unit1 · Answer

Jeez, you and I have a caged youth life in common and it's wasted on nothing. It feels violating to say the least. The whole youth taken just like that and never to be regained.

Well, the past is the past. Time to act now and get out and do what feels like something you want. Remember to step out of your shell too and engage with humans.

Do make sure to have your life in grip and break the shackles, that were imposed to you by your parents. I did that by moving out (2 times) and on the second time I am able to simply not telling them I'm moving nor where I am.

art84 · Answer

I am similar when my dad had a stroke years ago and it was me going to him at doctor appointments. My dad has always been their for me growing up so it's the least I can do for him. I sorta feel like a caregiver at times with watching him since he can't walk without a walker and is blind. I never had freedom in my 20's either the closest is when my brother would take trips with his family for vacation and I would go but that was like 3 years ago. My younger brother had more freedom since he was rebellious an didn't want to live at home and help my mom.

FreyaRed · Answer

Both parents can't be narcissists, just one. Narcissists can't handle other narcissists in their proximity. Usually narcissistic people have partners and children who avoid confrontation but it doesn't mean they are submissive.
Maybe you should reconsider your theories about your parents. Narcissism is often confused

JoahZ10nT · Answer

It would take days, months or years to over come that. But it’s never too late. You have to motivate yourself, talk to people just say hi 👋, good morning, and smile. After that start to make friends. Having friends. It’s never too late to make new friends. Remember the passed is the passed it’s up to you to change it. Let your mom and dad know, you are an adult and you want to make choice for yourself.

jaskin777 · Answer

That how I was kinda raised I didn't have a normal childhood I grew up taking I nv care of my mom dad 2 brothers animals while being abused etc. I wasn't allow to do anything or go anywhere if I ever did it was hardly.

Just know u away from them
Go do u boo
Don't look back
Set ur goals

KrakenAttackin · Answer

This is tough but it is suremountable. The first thing is to realize what your parents did was wrong. The second is to acknowledge you are an adult with power over your life and in putting your past in proper perspective.

If you hate your job, make a change. I will warn you that no job is paradise so choose wisely.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Answer

Start with moving out, then getting a therapist, from there you can slowly rebuild. Some places even have group therapy for children of narcissistic parents.

slatyb · Answer

If you are working at an engineer, you can get counseling. Probably it's covered by your health insurance.

IslaTheWitch · Answer

the best you can do is ask a specialist for help. The therapy itself can be hard, but it would give you chance for leading a normal life

Fireguy17 · Answer

Maybe think about professional help. They are trained to help people, and while we can offer suggestions, a good therapist might be able to help you become more "normal ".

JayBones · Answer

"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise." Alden Nowlan

WhitneySnow · Answer

If you’re an engineer, you can probably afford to move out on your own

Whitey_Johnson · Answer

This book called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns may be helpful for you. You can find it in most libraries.

Staximus · Answer

Well you have a good job and now you don't have to live with your parents. You can just go get your own house or apartment and not have to deal with their bullshit.

OddBeMe · Answer

Same. I’m currently not talking to my parents. Strangely my super Catholic Latino in laws are treating me better even though I’m an atheist gringo who talked their daughter out of grandchildren.

Minahh · Answer

A lot of work is ahead of you. Educate yourself about boundaries, self love, toxic people etc. Possibly a therapist. But only a really good one otherwise total waste of money. Good luck man.

jimmy2 · Answer

God bless you I was married to one what a fuvked up life

laly520 · Answer

seek therapy

How to recover from being raised by narcissistic parents?

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