Is it wrong of me to feel hurt when my best friend said “we need to get you a bf”?

[bethrog08]

My best friend and I have been friends since 7th grade in middle school. We weren’t the closest at the time but we stuck around the same friend groups from middle school to high school. When deciding for colleges my friend group split up and head their own ways but me and him decided to go to the same college. Being In a new town made us closer. We began hanging out and texting more than we ever had in the first semester but by the second semester he dropped out and I continued but this is when we began to get super close. We began to talk and text 24/7 and would hang out whenever we could and go to the gym together fairly often. The school year ends for me and the summer begins and this is where we got the closest, there wasn’t a time where we wouldn’t talk. It was constant conversation and he would call me at random hours of the night asking to hang out. This soon came to an end because he had to move to join a new school out of state. Things stayed the same and we kept getting closer real bestie status. I already had best friends but it felt great having a friend that I could spit random bull to at any time of the day. He spent a little over half a year in his new town before he got a girlfriend and this is where I was like “ok I gotta cut back on these calls” because I would personally feel uncomfortable if my boyfriend talked to a girl on the phone 24/7. We still talked but way less. Few months later to present day we talk here and there about random stuff and about other people but I don’t always want to talk about drama. Yesterday I read an ongoing story that had me absolutely devastated because I’m dramatic. I hadn’t called him and told him about anything in a while so I called him and explain the plot and everything that was happening briefly and he hit me with the “we gotta get you a boyfriend I can’t keep pretending to care anymore” we were like 5 min into the call. I was put off and told him I had to go but then he started complained like “that was it?”

Updates

1 y

by the way the first 2 min of the conversation were on a completely separate topic. He also always complains that I have no “real” hobbies except rotting in bed, but when I speak on what I like this is what I get.

Updates

1 y

Just to clarify I wasn’t actually talking about my deep feelings I just hit him with a obviously sarcastic “I’m devastated” I was devastated about what I had just read but it wasn’t something that would have left a lasting impact. I do not often speak on my feelings with anyone in fact. He has complained in the past how I don’t ever rely on him for emotional stuff. I wasn’t telling him drama I was explaining the plot of an ongoing book I had just read.

[RingOfFire]

“we gotta get you a boyfriend I can’t keep pretending to care anymore”

If he actually said that, from the way you told the whole scenario I think it was a very cruel thing to say and you are not out of line to feel heard.

I can't imagine a friend saying that to another friend. I would never say it to a friend.

My first thought is maybe it's a misunderstanding and he didn't mean it the way you think he meant it. If you're interested in continuing to talk to him you should tell him directly that it hurt you and ask him what he meant by that.

If indeed he feels that he can no longer be your friend then you'll have to face that and move on.

I hope that he explains it in a way that isn't as cruel as that sounds.

But since he has a girlfriend I think you may want to seriously consider leaving that relationship in the past and moving on. It sounds like the relationship has run its course.

That's a sad part of life but it happens. Whether friends or lovers sometimes things don't work out and you have to cut loose and get on with your life.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to take a HARD look at yourself. You already admitted that you're dramatic. Friends are just that, FRIENDS. They're not receptacles for ones 💩. Any loyalty you get from a friend should be considered a bonus, not expected.

I'm not busting on you here. I'm just saying we don't know whether this guy just had a bad day and didn't really want to hear it at the point. And given your history together that most likely the case. But it might be that this is an unpleasant side if you that he's tolerated for some time. Keep in mind you've said he has a girlfriend. It might be the cumulative 💩 he has to hear from both of you. Again, don't take this petsonal. Think of it as an opportunity to look at yourself and think how you can be friend that is more aware of when they're burdening another friend.

Also consider the fact that he's a man and you're a woman. It's kind if a gender norm that women want to talk feelings and how things affect them more than guys do. Women like to talk about how something makes them feel a guy wants to solve the problem. And if there's not a problem to be solved they don't want to talk about it. So try to keep this in mind.

[DishLady]

You don't need anyone to validate or justify your feelings...

Your so-called "friend" is trying to get you off his back and thinks the solution is to get you a boyfriend.

Just leave your friend alone. Don't feed into this cycle of drama he's creating. He either has stopped caring or his girlfriend has asked him to stop interacting with you (or both).

Move on. If you would LIKE to have a boyfriend, then go ahead and look for one, but don't do it because this dbag or ANYONE else is pushing you to do it out of THEIR selfish motivations.

[rosemilk]

no one needs to have a say in your romantic life. he has no business or say in it. he's stepping a boundary that should have already been in place. there's no need for him to "get you a boyfriend"... and after how much you two don't talk that much anymore, what makes him think you don't have one or aren't talking to anyone?

as for his initial response, he was super rude. "i can't keep pretending to care anymore" wtf is that? not a friend at all. he's not even a best friend either. i wonder how he treats his girlfriend.

[Cutegirl06]

No you're not wrong in feeling that way, especially when he said "he can't pretend to care anymore " he could have said it in a nicer way for sure. I probably would have reacted by crying and hung up.

[RavVid]

Hmmh. I think you were an ersatz girlfriend till he got a real one is what the dynamic has been.

I have noticed that my girlfriend's single girl friends start treating me as their ersatz boyfriend wanting my opinion but really wanting me to tell them what to do. I love telling girls what to do so I am all for it. They report back telling me they they did what I said and what the results. Genuine boyfriend/girlfriend dynamics. Then they meet a guy so immediately I step back. Just as you did.

The love hierarchy is men give love to women, women give love to children, children give love to pets. Men can feel quite an absence in not having a woman to give love to more than the absence of love from a woman. In any case that usually stops at month 3.

What I am suggesting is you filled that need when he didn't have a girlfriend. Now he has a girlfriend, she is soaking up his love capacity and he is getting sex to boot.

Sub dynamic is that all guys are aware that girls want to talk about their dreams & any story they are involved in. Out loud we might say "Uha. Oh. Really. is that so. Uha. Oh..." Inwardly we are groaning. We aren't really wanting to hear all this. You are treating us as if we are a girl. Dreams and stories don't give us any opportunity to tell you what to do. You see the problem here?

Look I am being highly jocular in all this. I know you feel hurt and let down. He could have done a lot better in my view. I am trying to give some insights with humor. It is probably best to call him and relate concrete things.

I do have a female friend who is having significant problems and is isolated so I am going to call her more frequently. I think he ought to have given you time as a friend and it was rather poor not to have.

[Finchie40]

It’s somewhat disrespectful for him to say that to you but really he is just implying you should get yourself out there more and meet a guy that you can open up to in a relationship. He likes you as a friend and wants to see you happy and content , because it sounds like he is happy and content in his life as well and moving on. So he is just implying you should do the same.

[KrisKris81]

My first thought is that he was trying to get with you the whole time, so he was pushing himself to pay more attention to what you were saying. Now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn't feel the need to push anymore.

Or. I had a friend, a long time ago, who always complained about the exact same things - over and over. I got to the point where I would just set the phone down and do my own thing while she vented. It wasn't to be mean - I could only say the same things in response so many times before I lost interest; I figured the best thing to do was just let her vent. Even her "challenge" questions were the same. I've never been the one to be so blunt, but his reasoning might be similar.

Or. His current girlfriend could have a hand it his response... though that would be a poor reason to be so callous.

Regardless, it's a good thing. It sounds like you just need someone you feel close enough to talk to about whatever. Always a silver lining, and all that.

[supercutebutt]

I think dudes tolerate certain girls because they want to insert engorged penis inside of us. Hearing long-winded stories without the possibility of receiving penis pleasure gets old for them :( Sorry, these are just facts. Some of us are interesting but most are insanely boring.

[1073sucks]

Yes I understand your side but he likely gets these same stories from his own girlfriend already to have to deal with yours as well so he likely del like you can just go tell this to the boyfriend if you had one, hence the comment. I don’t think he meant it in a bad way, just let y really is drama and most people don’t wanna hear it.

also if you have a boyfriend you are less likely to be into other drama and more preoccupied with doing stuff with your boyfriend etc

[1073sucks]

As for your update, wha ARE your hobbies? Maybe get into something. He likely says it because if you always have a lot of stuff to talk about to just talk, one assumes you put no time into anything else. Especially if you’re not enthusiastically talking about a new project you’re working on and just talking about dama situations about what so and so did and what so and so said and what happen end etc. Like nothing new in yourself in your life type of thing. So he maybe means it in a good way to find a hobby to distract yourself from these dramatic situations and not to be offensive particularly. But a person will always take it offensive for the most part.

Anyway find something buoy like and do it. Join a class, learn a new language, learn how to make clothes I don't know something

[bethrog08]

He loves talking drama, I don’t always want to talk drama, I wasn’t talking drama to him, I was explaining the plot of a book 😭, but I go to the gym fairly often, I love reading, watching shows, and antiquing. He just doesn’t find my interests good enough.

[1073sucks]

I think it doesn’t actually matter what you’re discussing, if he’s interested in his correct girlfriend, anything you have to say is likely Sinai let to what she’s already doing and men in general can I Ku have so much time for women talk either it’s drama or not. He already deals with it with his own girlfriend and ours up with it cause he wants to be with her so having it from someone else too is just can seem overwhelmingly boring. That’s why usually men do want you to have friends so that you can discuss all that with your girl friends and not with them etc.

Not always of course but for the most part. Which is why most women have female friends, female best friends rather than male best friends. Or gay male best friends. etc

[1073sucks]

Omg I’m
Sorry for the nonsense words this autocorrect is annoying

[Levin]

The 'can't keep pretending to care' seems like the worst part, and the most terminal?

Unless I'm misinterpreting what he meant.

I am sorry for you. But it does sound like you need to move on, and try and make positive and constructive changes in your life.

[bethrog08]

Oh yes 100% that’s terrible, but I feel like I feel more affected by the boyfriend part because it feel like he’s trying to pawn me off to some other person because he doesn’t want to listen anymore. It’s also not like I don’t talk to my other friends about these things but coming from someone I considered a best friend really hurts. I genuinely would like to think he cared at one point and I know I should make a change in my life and maybe even back away from the friendship but it’s hard and I dont even know where I’d begin.

[Levin]

Yeah, I was wondering if the relationship had become a bit of a crutch from your perspective?

It's hurtful when friends are like that, and they don't appear to appreciate what they had. Tbh, I've been in a similar situation recently. And it was really hurtful. But all you can do is learn from it. He's really giving you signals there that you need to sever the connection. Maybe something more beautiful can come of it? More reciprocated? Just got to give yourself a chance and do the emotional and practical etc work that your soul is calling of you.

[PeachyPie93]

Let's be honest, guys usually don't care about what we talk about. I have known a lot of blunt guys in my time to know this. He probably was hoping to sleep with you in the times you were very close friends, or he just liked having someone to talk to, but now he has a girlfriend and lost the interest. So now he is politely telling you, you need to find a boyfriend to be this close to since he can't be there for you anymore.

[FreyaRed]

Give him the distance he needs and make you rare. Treating you like an annoying child with such texts is a little bit off for my comprehension of friendship. It sounds anyway like he does you a great favor while talking with you and you will never be good enough.

[Lynx122]

He has a girlfriend and you're not progressing in life so he's just telling you to stop clinging to the past and move forward as well. You can feel any way you want about it but it's not going to change the reality. You won't be friends anymore for long unless you change things in your life.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

I would have just hung up after that. How are you supposed to respond to something that cruel? Fuck him, he wants to play around at being the asshole I say let him. I know it sucks because he used to be your friend but clearly that time has passed if he’s acting like you’re a burden just for wanting to talk and gush over a story with him.

[TheSpaceGnome]

"I can’t keep pretending to care anymore"
Thats really all you need to know.

He's right, you do need a boyfriend, but friends are still supposed to care about eachother.
Time to move on.

[Account]

Girl... I am gonna hold your hand when I say this, you are his friend, but he is not your friend.

[SweetJoyGirl]

So real.

[thatshydork]

You’re not wrong for feeling insulted. He was rude and should apologize.

[SweetJoyGirl]

I had a guy friend like that. Block him. Those are usually the toxic ones.

[Danny_dan92]

Yeah because despite their good intentions. It’s not upon them to make that happen. That is up to you if you want to change that

[Anonymous]

He was a complete douchebag about it. I suggest you never reach out to him again or even watch his stories, nothing.

[paledreams]

We need to get you a girlfriend - for me lol 😆 equivalent

[Peridot25]

Honestly, I think it’s time to move on. He pretty much checked out of the friendship.

[noohair]

What was you plan? To wait for him to be single? Guys are simple. He made a simple statement. He thinks you might need someone.

[Peridot25]

You did read she backed off for a while because she did it out of respect, right?

[noohair]

@Peridot25 Correct, but she is not standing down and moving on.

[Peridot25]

@noohair Because it hurts to think someone is still your friend when they don’t straight up tell you they’re done with you. Especially, when they’ve been your friend for so long and they tell you they don’t care anymore. It makes you feel like they lead you on.

[Peridot25]

To be honest, he’s a coward for not saying anything about wanting to end the friendship. It’s fine he has a girlfriend but he could’ve at least give a heads up instead of saying he doesn’t care.

[Peridot25]

I mean, I have a best friend since high school and guess what? She’s in a relationship, has a baby, and STILL calls me. True friends don’t do what her friend did. She took that friendship seriously.

[Peridot25]

If you don’t want to be someone’s friend anymore, don’t make them feel like you’re still friends and lead them on. That’s cruel.

[noohair]

There are situations where one person sees it as friendship and the other it is more like good acquaintances. If you dwell on this it will harm you and no one else. Don’t live in the past. Some questions don’t have answers. Live forward and take care of yourself.

[OhLongJohnsoning]

It's not wrong to say things, it's wrong to react poorly to them

[Theodora1983]

No to both a friend could want you so you don’t feel like a third wheel.

[MrGSpotHer]

At least it wasn't your boyfriend saying it

[MrGSpotHer]

People say that to me all the time they probably care about you