How can I support my wife who has recently experienced a miscarriage?

Question

Xoxocutekitty · Accepted Answer

I think its really understanding (and being able to validate) what (if at all) she's stuck on. Some common examples women feel:

1. Biologically inferior. While having a man spouting science and numbers won't make her feel better right away, nudging her to a doctor who can professionally say the same thing could really help her understand that what's " natural " can be miraculous and cruel. And neither outcome personal.
2. Religious grieving - if you're religious, acknowledging the soul name of the child that would have been can be helpful. I don't know saying nightly prayers with the souls name can be a way for her to work through the grief religiously.
3. Lack of control - I think some women have this idea they can control the timeline of their pregnancy or to put it lightly have their pregnancy fit their anticipated lifestyle. Reminding her that you will support her in this time when she feels "powerless" or not "in control of her life". That you two are both very fortunate and that it is hard to want something that can't come any sooner.

jorfan3 · Accepted Answer

The other girls said great things. My only thing I would add is... validation and listening as well. If she wants to talk about it, validate how she feels entirely by saying things like,

"I know it's terrible/awful that this has happened... Let's be sad together", or

"I can understand why you feel this way. It sounds so hard..." when she talks about the pain and personal experience.

"I completely understand, I feel exactly the same way" is good for bonding.

Obviously you can relate to the suffering of the loss of a child, but there is a certain shame that comes along with miscarrying as a woman, feeling like it's a personal failure. Saying something like,

"I understand that you feel like you've failed us, but I just want you to know that I don't see you that way", but do NOT say this unless she mentions it. Don't bring failure up at all unless she is talking about it already.

Validating emotions of another person is the thing that makes the day to day between therapy appointments bareable, because it shows that we matter and our feelings are real.

Makeushiver · Accepted Answer

I think that even asking that question shows you are capable of the empathy and compassion she- and likely yourself as well- of bringing to the situation. I'm not sure how far along the pregnancy was but I'm under the impression that the closer it is to birth the more painful the process is. She may have a low to nonexistent sex drive for awhile; honor that. If you were both deliberately trying for a pregnancy than she will probably not want to get back to that until she recovers a bit. She may well act in some way that honors the baby for the rest of her life. Time will usually heal the worst of it but it sounds like she is lucky to have you at her side.

Summeroflove · Accepted Answer

That’s a horrible thing for anyone to have to go through, I think just being there for her when she needs someone and giving her space when she needs space. Maybe getting some sort of professional mental health support can be important as well.

Sometimes being there for someone. Crying with someone and things like that is the best you can do. Because I’m sure this isn’t easy on you either.

Anonymous · Answer

Incredibly difficult. Though, sharing her emotions if you can whilst also gently carrying her towards feeling better.

I've not had first hand experience, but friends of mine have and here are the things I heard worked.

1) Joining her in feeling it, but in strength through the feeling
2) Patiently sitting with her, reading her body language regarding her need of the moment (and where you can't reflecting your love by first expressing how you share the loss, shortly and with real feeling then reflecting / communicating your there and she's not alone).
3) Just listening, a lot, and if she's not wanting to speak. Sitting quietly squeezing her hand occasionally with feeling always looking into her eyes if you can.

Lastly, I learned to a degree there's no right way here. Sometimes your wife will need to just get mad with you, to get out all her feelings. So my biggest tip is, try to keep your balance, acknowledge what is important to her and when she's ready to hear it, share your equal sense of loss but also reflect that its neither of your faults and any religious feeling you may have (or if both athiest, acknowledging how its better this way than for suffering, but be REAL careful there. Its a potential trap unless you have a really stable partner, like say a biologist or scientist).

Smashingdoozy · Answer

I'm so sorry. Miscarriages are horrible to go through.
Bring her food and water. Help her get cleaned up when needed. Make sure all the housework is sorted. Just talk with her. Find things to keep her distracted, games, books, movies, YouTube whatever it may be. I found talking with a therapist to be very useful too. Just remember that grief has no timeframe and everyone deals with it differently.

MisterWack · Answer

Support her when she is low, give her flowers, kiss her, and tell her how much you love her.
Tell her that it is normal to be sad, struggling, and upset over the loss of a child that you are here for her no matter what, remind her to take all the time that she needs.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Get rid of the notion that you need to solve anything for her. Cry with her, hold her, reassure her that you feel the loss also but that the two of you will find a way to move forward together. And do NOT reassure her that she can have another baby; she will resent the idea that another baby can replace the one that she has lost.

RebelinSteel · Answer

@smashingdoozy has covered it. I will just reiterate the counselling side, depending on where you are there are very good counselling services and support groups for those in situations like you and your wife. There should be online support groups in your country, area that will provide further advice.

AviatorTom · Answer

I've been there. My first wife had a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking for both of us. We took a week's vacation in Florida to try to get back to normal. The most important thing to do is be honest with each other. Let your feelings out, listen to each other, and support each other, no matter what you do.

It took several moths to get back to a normal life but we did it, and we were blessed a few years later with a son.

Best wishes to you and your wife.

Nikki1989 · Answer

I can't add anything more that to second all the opinions from everyone on here, except for the pink hater, who must have a miserable life.

Finchie40 · Answer

Be there for her no matter what , be her rock she can depend on , if she gets angry and upset at you , don’t take it to heart , you aren’t the reason she is upset. Tell her You love her and you are always there for her

jazzy34 · Answer

Be a shoulder for her to cry on and listen to her without interjecting. If things get  really  bad and/or you don’t know what to do, try getting her to a therapist. Either way, so sorry that you all had this loss. 😔🙏🏽

4ngelic · Answer

pamper her more than usual, tell her you're there for her if she wants to talk, try to make her think about other happier things, avoid talking about babies for a while

SugarSugarplum · Answer

Be solid, and try to take care of the everyday things, like cleaning, cooking, and laundry. Let her know you love her.

faith_it · Answer

I'm so sorry... I just saw this in movies but maybe ask her from time to time what you can do for her

Open-minded99 · Answer

Be there for her and just be you. Care for her and let her do all of it at her pace dont rush or feel rejected

jordynthedecayer99 · Answer

Support her in anyway. Let her know everything is going to be okay and that she will get to be a mother on day. Give her occasional hugs and kisses. Show her sympathy and care.

Hannajenky · Answer

That’s really tough. I don’t have the answer. Be there for her, and let her know you are there for her. Ouch

Straight2thepoint · Answer

Go places enjoy yourselves. Because life have you a chance to keep her. Perhaps the baby would of been glorious, but complications could of taken her from you.

DrPepper12 · Answer

I'm so sorry. My opinion? Just by asking the questions you're already doing it...

seeyounexttuesday · Answer

You be very understanding, allow her to process the loss... while talk about how it's affected you as well.

seviyorummm · Answer

Take it on vacation or buy it as gifts to make it happy

WhitneySnow · Answer

Just be there for her

slatyb · Answer

However she wants you to. Don't minimize it.

John_Cobretti · Answer

Make her pregnant again

Inthelines · Answer

Tell her that God loves her.

Walksbehindtherows · Answer

Be nice to her

How can I support my wife who has recently experienced a miscarriage?

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How can I support my wife who has recently experienced a miscarriage?

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