My dad has cancer and doesn’t have long left to live, I don’t know what to do?

[Anonymous]

Me and my dad had a strained relationship when I was younger, he was controlling and emotionally abusive so I cut him off. My mums side of the family don’t like him at all, and my auntie said it was karma was she was told he was diagnosed.

he got diagnosed last year and was put on chemo then had a stem cell transplant, but it’s come back and now the doctors say they can’t do anything else. He hasn’t got long left.

we’ve been texting somewhat, I’m just really struggling to think of things to say to him.

I told my mum and she didn’t say much apart from “how do you feel” and “have you text him back”. She’s not offered to see me (she lives 3 mins away) and not even called.
I asked her if she can come with me to see him as I haven’t spoke or seen him in 7 years and scared to see him sick on my own, she asked me if I could just call him instead as she’s going on holiday soon.

she’s ignoring my texts and not really comforting.

i understand they don’t like him but he’s going to die soon and I’m really heartbroken about it, I honestly don’t know what to do. I have to go through this all on my own.

[Oliverlogan263]

Oh my, that is an incredibly difficult situation to be going through alone. I can understand why you'd feel heartbroken and uncertain what to do. A few thoughts:

- Your feelings about your dad are understandable given your history, but he is still your father and his life is coming to an end. Going to see him, even if just once, may help you find closure.

- It's unfair your mom isn't being more emotionally supportive right now. But try not to rely on her - focus on doing what YOU need for your own well-being and processing this loss.

- When you visit your dad, give him a chance to speak openly if he wants. But also feel okay just being present without pressure to talk. Your presence alone may mean something.

- See if a close friend can go with you for moral support. Or hire a counselor to process things after if you're hesitant going alone. You don't have to do this totally by yourself.

- Write your dad a letter telling him how you feel to get closure, whether or not he's able to respond. Burn or keep it for your own healing.

This is going to take time to work through. Be gentle with yourself - there are no right or wrong ways to handle this painful situation. Just take each day as it comes. Please reach out if you need an ear. You've got this.

[abc3643]

Your mother's side of the family is irrelevant; this is between you and your father and no one else.

Just go and sit with him and spend time while you can.
Let him take the lead on starting the conversation. Being a parent, he will ask his child questions and you just need to give answers. After a bit, you will become comfortable asking your own questions such as about family history on his side.

I have an old dog. He's 14y 3m old now. Not in the best shape, but I spend as much time with him as I can. He's not terminally ill, but I likely have less than 2 years left. Same with his niece who is 6 months younger and is also my dog. I enjoy them while I have them and I will mourn them when it's time but that time is not until they are gone... So enjoy your father while you can.

[Asker]

My dad lives 2.5 hours away and I can’t do the car journey on my own while crying. I just can’t face it atm.

[abc3643]

Yes you can. In fact, that's perfect. You will cry and get it out of your system and then be composed.
Trust me on this:
Throughout your life, you will be faced with emotionally charged crises in which, initially, you can't think straight. But, that overwhelming wave of emotion wanes and your intellect begins to take over because you have to deal with the crisis or whatever it was. That is, your brain naturally will force you to get your shit together no matter what the stress or grief.

Driving is great for this because your brain goes into a sort of automatic mode while driving. You lower brain takes over the driving while your higher brain is thinking about stuff. You'll cry - pull over if you want to feel safe - but then it will end and your brain becomes calmer and you think less emotionally about what has happened, what will happen, and what the next steps are.

[lightbulb27]

Go see him. you don't want regrets. he was there for you when you were a baby, at least somewhat. maybe he sucks as a father for whatever his reasons, you have to accept that.

Bring a priest or clergy and ask him to accept Christ. He may not have that much energy left, so you determine the subject to talk when see him.

Both my parents died of cancer, one right in front of me. Make your peace now, there is no undo button. if need ideas of things to say lmk.

[melnc]

Your father would greatly be pleased to have you by his side during these final moments. Show your support for him as best as you can, as being there is more meaningful than anything else you can do. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers.
Sorry for what you have been through.

[Iron_Man]

I’m very sorry to hear this. Get close to your family. See your dad a lot I mean a lot and pray ✝️