I blocked my daughter, not sure if I made right choice?

[Anonymous]

I haven't spoken to her in years as she was angry at me for not going to her business school graduation. She said she can't forgive because I went to her step siblings ceremonies from college. It has been 10 years. She reached out and asked me to send a bunch of her baby clothes that I had in storage. I made the effort to clean those clothes and send this box to her. It was a large box and so I asked her to pay for the shipping which she did. She is an executive of some sort so I know it wouldn't put her out. But my step daughter later told me my daughter found that request for me to pay, hurtful that I would ask for money after not speaking for so long. I feel if I'm doing her a favor she can at least pay shipping? Anyway, I sent the box (she lives in Europe mind you and I shipped from USA!) I messed up the customs form and she had to pay taxes or something. She didn't mention it till I asked if she received the box and then she said yes and asked why I didn't follow her instructions on the form. I told her the post office told me to write something else. She then asked why I didn't trust her over the post office and I told her not to dig into this, its asked and answered and be grateful. She then said to not speak to her that way, that I was being aggressive and as a kid I could talk that way to her but not now and she won't speak anymore and she said it hurt her feelings, I told her good and then blocked her. I feel she is ungrateful for my efforts. My friend at work has said I am wrong because my daughter was just asking why I didn't trust her over the post office because she lives there. I felt she was being ungrateful for my effort after all these years. my friend said I owed that at the very least and my daughter doesn't need to be grateful? I have since found out my daughter is apparently pregnant and that is why she wanted the stuff and she's engaged to some man she met at work. Not sure what to think or do next.

Updates

1 y

I am not a narcissist. and there is a reason I didn't go to her graduation - I respond in the comments to someone.

[Flower7]

You are being very selfish and a bit materialistic. I do think asking her to pay for shipping is petty. This is your daughter and you hadn't talked to her in years. It seems like you'd be so happy to have her back in your life that you'd do anything for her. Just show her kindness and realize that the relationship between you two is more important than any favor or any amount of money.

I'm sure all of this is even more painful for your daughter because of her being pregnant. If this continues, you could end up not being part of your grandchild's life either.

Please unblock your daughter and stop acting like she always owes you for every little thing that you do for her.

[Asker]

If she cared she could have reached out all of these years and I told her that. I have followed her on instagram and I even created an account to only follow her but she never followed me back for years. After I blocked her on the phone she blocked me on instagram and that is also petty. My stepdaughter said it was because she said she did not want me seeing what is going on in her life if I block her. And she claimed to be crying a lot and needed to speak to a psychologist but if she is so distressed by not being in contact with me why have I never heard from her for years? It makes no sense. She only contacts me when she wants something like me to mail stuff or send family cooking recipes. then complains I didn't follow wishes because she paid customs.

[Flower7]

Did you ever try reaching out to HER during all those years? The phone works both ways, you know. Why was the responsibility only on her to contact you? You could have done the same. Not counting just being an Instagram follower. Also, there was no point in her following you back if you never even post anything. The purpose of your page was only to add her, so follow you for what?

Why would you even still want to be in contact through Instagram if you don't want to be in contact through the phone? That makes no sense. You showed that you don't want her in your life. That's what it means when you block someone: that they're dead to you.

[Asker]

I didn't reach out because she told me not to talk to her ever again after I didn't go to her graduation. She said it broke her heart because I went to her step siblings but they weren't graduating in another country for one and they weren't disrespectful as kids, they listened. She had her undergrad then she claimed she didn't even go because she felt embarrassed noone was there to see it then she invited me to her MBA graduation and I said I would come but my husband reminded me I am spending a lot of money and time on someone who was disrespectful as a teenager so I didn't go and she told me to never talk to her again so that's why I did not reach out. then suddenly she contacts me years later asking for baby clothes and I did it

[Levin]

Sorry man.

You're just so stingy. So stingy, so tight with your energy, with your time.

Making your daughter pay shipping? I mean, fuck. If that's your daughter. I'd pay shipping, even if it's abroad, even for a stranger. It's fuck all money in the grand scheme of things.

Ever heard of unconditional love? You do anything for your family. You don't do things with condition of getting something back.

Your daughter gave an olive branch, opened up her heart, made the effort to reconnect, and all you cared about was fucking money.

And the business graduation. Seems there is more to it than that. I'm guessing that's the straw that broke the camel's back? I'll bet there's a history of you not giving, or giving more to her step siblings.

Of course, I'm just filling in the blanks, and could well be wrong. But the way you word things. Is so harsh.

[Levin]

Also, for your daugher's sake, I do hope you're trolling. I feel really sorry for your daughter.

I agree with the other poster. You are a narcissist.

[Levin]

Everything is about you.

[Asker]

I did not mean to word it harshly, I am trying to give my perspective because people are always talking about how great she is and make it seem like I am the monster not in contact with some superstar so it must be me but she is rude and ungrateful and they didn't know what it was like raising a child that didn't respect or listen. Last time I spoke to her when i saw her years ago, she said she did not listen because I was trying to ruin her life and gave examples of me trying to convince her not to study in Europe or not continue her swimming career. I did not have the money to go there with her so felt she should not go either and she went anyway. She never listened as a child and her step siblings did.

[Levin]

Well, that's what children are like. Again, there should not be conditionality.

But I get she hurt you.

Really, it sounds like you both need to talk it out properly. You really can't communicate via instagram follows etc. There's a lot to talk about and a lot of buried hurt on both sides.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Without more context, what you describe is your difficulty to locate your role as a mother ? As a father, I consider my role as unconditional, thus whatever my kid is doing, reacting or behaving, I'm in for a lifetime. Unconditional in the sense that it is my duty, and not hers, to maintain communication at all costs, whatever difficulty I'm facing in parent-child relationship.

[Ms_Facesitter]

Doesn't seem like the right choice. Graduation, marriage, child birth all those things you don't get to see your child go through often. These are very big checkpoints in life. Why would you want to miss out on that?
Or has your bond not been great to begin with. Because I can't talk much to my mother anymore, but the way she behaved, ruling with an iron fist. Aiming for fear over respect to get you to listen... is what made me resent her. Your daughter saying you can't talk to her the way you used to is a feeling that i can relate to ☹

[Anonymous]

Of course you didn’t make the right choice. Your daughter reached out to you to ask for a favor, and you treated the situation as if it were a transaction with a stranger. That’s not effort. She told you her feelings were hurt and you responded “Good” then blocked her. You clearly don’t love your daughter and that will always make you in the wrong. You’re supposed to be the adult, but instead you chose to act like a child.

[Asker]

thank you for your response but she is also an adult. She is 34 years old.

[Opinion Owner]

Her being an adult does not negate the fact she is still your child. You don’t stop being a mom once the kids are grown and out of the house.

[Anonymous]

You made the wrong choice. It doesn’t matter how old she gets, you’re still the mother and you acted like the child. Now you’re going to miss out on such important milestones and it’ll be due to your own horrible behavior. I hope everyone reprimanding you in these comments helps you wake up.

[Asker]

thank you for your input

[OlderAndWiser]

"I went to her step siblings but they weren't graduating in another country for one and they weren't disrespectful as kids." Having the right to do something doesn't make it the right thing to do, and. . . doing the right thing isn't always easy. You used an excuse and made it obvious that you were playing favorites to hurt her. How did you think she would react?

[Staximus]

You're a fucking narcissist, you're supposed to be the adult in the situation. That's your daughter, not somebody who you just cut off. Time to pull your head out of your ass and accept responsibility for this situation that never would have happened if you were a good mom.

[Staximus]

You're like my friend's wife, who can never accept responsibility and admit she's wrong

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for her, she obviously grew up with a narc that doesn't care about her. She wanted you to reach out to her when she told you that she felt hurt, trust me it was much more than about just following shipping instructions... In case you didn't notice. And all you did was say "good" and blocked her? Poor girl...

[Opinion Owner]

Just read the update. Listen at the end of the day I'm not a psychologist to diagnose you, but how little you cared for her to just block her after not talking to her for years is not normal in my opinion.

If you want to set things right try and reach out to her, talk to her.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't understand the situation as a whole so I probably shouldn't judge it but I think it will do both of you good to talk

[Agape93]

You and my mom would get along great, bonding over a victim complex as you neglect and mistreat your daughter.

[Asker]

I am sorry that you have a bad relationship with your mom. Did she ever feel you disrespected her? My daughter personally I feel always makes me and the family feel like she's better than them and like we are stupid.

[Agape93]

Save me the sob story. Your story above reads like how a narcissist thinks.

@LordOfThePines yo psychology boy

[noohair]

Why did you skip her graduation? What you did put a scar on her. She has not gotten over that. Now she is having your grandchild. What would you like, to be cut off from that or be an adult? Good Luck...

[Asker]

i did not go to the graduation because she was a disrespectful teenager and never apologized and I did not feel I should spend that kind of money to fly to England for someone like that. My husband agreed. Also she wrote some story that was published in england about abuse from my last husband and i did not want people who read it seeing me and judging me.

[noohair]

You chose your husband over your daughter. Maybe all her acting out was your husband hurting her. And everything is all about you. When you posted you are not a narcissist, that says it all. To not protect your daughter makes you an animal, not a mother.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a typical narcissist and just like a typical narcissist you don’t even understand why.

[Asker]

if i were a narcissist I would not have mailed a huge box of baby clothes that technically belong to me, even though she wore them as a baby - my mother made those clothes for my daughter as a baby - she did not own those clothes and I washed them and sent them to her in a huge box to another country.

[HelpfulWoman]

both can be true.
While it was a bit rude of her, it's also not surprising she has kept you away from how you write and come across

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

If you don’t want her in your life anymore, consider the bridge burned because that’s what you did.

[Asker]

well she went and blocked me on her instagram after this so obviously she felt the same. I was following her there and she wasn't even following me back. Now I am blocked and I asked my step daughter who is kind of a medium between us for years and she said she considers her instagram to be a window into what goes on in her life and if I block her on the phone then I no longer deserve to see what she is up to in life so she burned the bridge by cutting off my ability to check on her.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

So do you want her to take the credit for your damaged relationship?

[Asker]

I just want her to show some respect and be grateful i sent the box even if it werent per her instructions. she couldn't do that so she is blocked.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Do you think that would make the relationship better for you or her?

[Inafishbowl99]

Wow this is how you treat your daughter? Come on !!! Have you no feelings? Don't answer that.
Disgraceful behaviour for a parent

[Smashingdoozy]

I feel like we're missing half the story. What did you do to her prior to the graduation? Nobody goes no contact over one thing.

[Juxtapose]

It's pretty clear to me that you two both need to have some therapy sessions together.

[WhitneySnow]

You had a kid at like 12. And that’s assuming you’re 35.

[Asker]

or I just didn't enter the correct age on this account. The account is more reflective of her age.

[WhitneySnow]

Oh ok. Why did you make your account reflective of your daughter’s age?

[Asker]

because i didn't think anyone would want to speak to a woman in her 60s on a social media website.

[WhitneySnow]

Good point. I think you should try and reconcile with her. You’ll both be happier if it works out.

[DrPepper12]

Ummmmm... Why TF else would she be asking for baby clothes? You can't be that dense but you sound toxic and bitter.

[Asker]

no I thought she may be pregnant but she still an adult

[Iron_Man]

That’s ridiculous a mother never blocks her daughter never

[Asker]

did you read the details? She was asking about a form after all of that effort to send a huge box all the way to another country!

[Iron_Man]

You don’t block your daughter

[Nerdvana]

Why didn't you go to her graduation?

[Asker]

because for one it was in england as she went to oxford and the tickets were expensive from the USA and I dont even have a passport. and also my husband reminded me of how disrespectful she was as a teenager and so I dont get why I would spend that kind of money to travel all the way over there when last time we were in close contact she was breaking curfew and stuff. She also acted like she was better than the family as she was a good swimmer and traveled for swim meets sometimes and had attitude just coming and going in the house. She always used swimming as an excuse and her little boyfriend (her high school boyfriend was also on that swim team). I also found out she published some short story claiming she was abused as a child because my ex husband hit her (he hit me too! and I left him!) and that was done while she was at oxford and I did not want people who read that seeing me and judging me.

[Nerdvana]

You couldn't afford a plane ticket or couldn't afford to pay for the shipping cost. Are you and your husband that hard up for money?

[Asker]

It was not about just the money it was a combination of those reasons. Why should I be spending money to ship a box to someone that hasn't reached out in years or flying to see someone that was so disrespectful as a child and wrote stories about private matters

[Nerdvana]

I didn't think it as about money. Just wanted to be sure. You say she was disrespectful as a child? Weren't we all a little like that as children? Can you really hold that against her as her parent? You are also not happy she wrote about experiencing abuse from her father, and you worried that people would see you and judge you? It wasn't meant to be about you. Of course we are only hearing your side of the story, but I think you have really hurt your daughter.

[Asker]

Well she hurt me

[Nerdvana]

I am not saying she didn't. We have to set the example. We have to be the bigger person. Being loving and forgiving is the price we pay to be good parents.

[RedInnocent69]

Your daughter? No, you didn’t.