Broke up over my child- is it a good decision?

Question

I broke up with my ex of two years because of issues involving my child. He was a stepfather to my kids, and like in any relationship, we had some arguments. The main issue, though, is that my youngest child can be very stubborn and doesn’t listen, even when we ask her to stop doing something. For example, she would make noises that really bothered us when she was angry or frustrated. This has been going on for a few months.

I told him to ignore her and not to scold her when she wouldn’t stop but it seemed to make things worse when he didn’t ignore her and keep scold her.

Then, yesterday, I needed to hop in the shower before we went out shopping. She did it again. I told her to stop, then went to take a shower. Meanwhile, her stepfather kept telling her off, lost his temper, and even shook the armchair she was sitting on to scare her into quieting down. He didn’t mention this to me until later, when I was getting dressed after the shower. My older daughter told me what actually happened.

At that point, I told him to pack his things and leave my house.

Now, I’m wondering if I made the right decision. My mom and sister are against me going back to him because they think he was controlling and abusive toward my kids, even though we are firm with them and make sure they stick to a routine. On the other hand, my mom doesn’t have any rules for my younger siblings and lets them do whatever they want.

I don’t know if I made the right choice. My kids miss him.

abc3643 · Accepted Answer

1. Perhaps it is for the best that he is gone. I don't like his approach to her. At the same time, I empathize with his frustration because she is not HIS kid so he is prevented from properly disciplining this child.
2. There's a good reason why, in many animal species, adults kill their children. I think we've found one with your daughter.

>>> You need to lay down the law with her. She has no respect for authority and unless you instill that in her soon, she's going to be a fuck-up and have a tough life. You need to come up with a punishment that works instantly and burns in the memory forever.
[See bottom about positive and negative reinforcement.]

Now, I am not telling you to beat the child and I don't want you to be mean, but she needs to know that you and adults are the bosses. And that's important because it may just save her life - I am not kidding on this.

So, here's how you begin to set her straight. Like everyone, she has things that are important to her or that make her happy. You threaten to take away one of those things permanently if she misbehaves. And, if she misbehaves, then you do it because your words are horseshit without the actions to back them up.

Here's a case in point from 30 years ago. I was babysitting some very young children. The older one, a little girl of about 3.5 was something of a handful. The living room was a mess with their toys and they needed to learn that they have to put away their toys - at least when they are told to do so. I calmly asked her to pick up her toys and put them in the toy box. "No!", she said. I calmly replied "OK, every toy I pick up I am going to throw out." "NOOO!", she replied frightened, and she picked them all up.

Here's another example from about 23 years ago. I was working with a young lady whose niece, also a young girl, was also a handful. The young lady calmly told the girl to do something. The girl refused. "OK then. I'm going to call Santa and have him put you on the Naughty List." She then picks up the phone and starts fake dialing... She says "I'm calling Santa at the North Pole." then she pretends someone answered. "Hello, is this the North Pole? It's me, Megan. I need to speak with Santa Claus about my niece. Oh, it's you Rudolph! How's Clarice and Donner and Hermie the Elf?" The girl is extremely upset because she believes all this. She capitulates. "No, I thought we had a problem but everything's fine after all, Rudolph. Thanks for chatting. See you next Christmas!"

==========
This is important to learn:
Positive reinforcement is a fine method for altering behavior for the better, but nothing is as effect as negative reinforcement.

The reason can be explained in a sense in something in economics called "The Law of Diminishing Margin Utility". Let's say you're making toast, but there's no butter in the refrigerator. This sucks - you really wish you had a stick of butter. There is just so much pleasure ("utility") in having butter on toast, so you buy from me a stick of butter which costs you costs $5/pound. Now, suppose I was to try to sell you another pound of butter. Are you going to buy it for $5/pound? Maybe. However, there comes a point when you are just not going to buy butter from me; you have enough butter already, so why pay $5 for another pound of butter. Fine, I lower the price to $3/pound. OK, that's a good deal you buy another pound or two. At some point, there's just no benefit ("utility") of having more butter. The Law of Diminishing Margin Utility tells us that gradual benefit/happiness/pleasure/whatever (which is collectively called "utility") of each additional unit purchase (1 pound of butter in this example) decreases with the more that you buy. ("Marginal Utility" means how much more utility you get from each purchasing 1 unit of something.)

OK, maybe you know where I am going...

With positive reinforcement, you are giving something good to someone to reward their good behavior because you want them to do it again. But the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility tells you that, after a while, the rewards are not going to entice the person to do the good behavior anymore. Put another way, that someone thinks "OK, well, if I do that good behavior, I'll get a reward. But, I don't HAVE to do it - it's optional - and these rewards aren't so hot anymore..."

Negative reinforcement is much different. The desired behavior ceases to be option, but it becomes required. If you DON'T do what I ask, you are going to get a shitload of "negative utility" and you are not going to like that.

I quote Isaac Asimov from his short story "The Last Answer":
>>>> "There is no pleasure like the absence of pain – immediately after pain."

He is right. After something shitty happens, you get your shit together to prevent that from happening ever again. That's what negative reinforcement is about. This is why we have prisons and don't pay criminals not to commit crimes.

Ariesman81 · Accepted Answer

I hate to say it... but your children need discipline. I think you're in the wrong here. Taking away his authority is a sure fire way of keeping your ass single.

Nikki1989 · Accepted Answer

Your decision to end the relationship was difficult, but it was the right one. Shaking a child, even in frustration, is a form of physical abuse. It's important to prioritize the safety and well-being of your children.

Cutegirl06 · Accepted Answer

He doesn't sound like he was very understanding of children. I think it would have been a matter of time before he actually started hitting your daughter. I think you made the right decision.