Is it selfish to break up with someone who has a kid?

[Anonymous]

I'm 19, I met this dude. We been talking for a few months. Until he told me that he had a kid which kind of shocked me because on his social media I don't be seeing it he had kids and when I go over his house he didn't had any baby stuff. He was saying that he was Trying to find the right time to tell me. I was texting my friend her about the situation. I was thinking about breaking up with him. I don't have a problem with babies I love babies. But I can't date someone who has kids. Especially for an early age. I'm trying to live my life and have fun before setting down. Having a baby gets in the way. You have to stop at what you are doing and care for your child. Anyway I told my friend about it and she said that I was being selfish. So, I just wanted to ask is it selfish or wrong to break up with someone who has a kid?

Yes

No

[jennifer_bloom]

What I consider selfish is being married to a man with kids when you don't love or want the kid. If you don't want to be a mother to his kid - you should find somebody else because you're not marrying only the husband but also the child. I'm not blaming you - not everybody is ready for kids - but if your not ready - don't date a man who wants a mother for his offspring.

[Nawlins34]

Not at all. Why are you selfish for knowing what you want already?

No, end it with him and move on. He needs a lady who is okay with that. If that relationship doesn't work,

1.) You lose time you can't get back
2.) You only confirm what you already knew from the start.
3.) "Sunk cost" is a real thing. Time and peace of mind are expensive, you can save both with a quick exit.
4.) Your friend can think you're selfish all she wants, if she really feels that way, tell her to put actions behind those words and end the friendship.

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you already want. What you cited makes total, logic sense and some people will not agree with it.

That's okay, because they aren't the ones living your life, you are. Make the decision you can sleep at night with, I hope I helped. Be safe and good luck.

[JPrez]

It’s not selfish. To thine own self be true. You have no responsibility towards the kid and you don’t owe the guy anything. If you’re not comfortable with it then bow out now before you catch feelings and move on to a guy without kids if that is your preference.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Not selfish at all. In fact, that's more mature than the actual father - who, for all intents and purposes, has been hiding his child to get with the ladies.

You recognize you're not up for being a mother figure or anything like that to a kid. That's mature of you, and respectful of the child's best interests.

You're better material than the kid's father.

It's good that you recognize kids aren't a priority for you right now. It isn't your fault he lied to you (omission is lying in this case). It isn't your fault he is trying to hide that he has a kid.

You standing up for yourself is good. You're acknowledging your boundaries and also making the best choice for the kid. Now, it's up to the kid's dad to finally be open about being a father.

[Gurdy2816]

Girl I wouldn’t worry about it. He should have told you he had a kid like on the second date or he should have advertised it on his social media. It is not your responsibility to care for a kid that’s not yours. I’m 19 too and the thought of dating a guy with a kid and not being aware of it kinda shocks me. If you were in love with this guy... yes go for it. But it sounds like your not and you shouldn’t feel trapped in a relationship because you feel guilty about leaving. I’d you stay your resentment will only grow. Go live your life and have some fun. If he’s still in the back of your mind maybe try again when you’re a little more older and more mature.

[Walamagicc]

BIG RED FLAG:


You aren’t being selfish at all to want to end it with him. It’s not the fact that he has a baby, it’s the fact he lied to you about something so big. He knows that you probably (I’m just assuming) you told him you wouldn’t date anyone with kids so he kept it a secret from you. He knows that if you knew the truth that you would reject him or move on to the next guy. This isn’t fair to you! You are not selfish or shallow for feeling this way. You are obligated to want or to not want to date anyone under whatever circumstances you have.


If he is lying to you about having a baby, what else has he already lied to you about? He’s disrespecting you already by not being truthful. You’re probably better off telling him that it isn’t going to work out and cut your losses. Guys who lie from the get go will just continue to lie to you throughout the whole relationship.

[psychoticanimaIIover]

You can break up with anyone you want for any reason you want. Especially when you’re only a few months into the relationship and he never told you about something incredibly important.

You get to decide for yourself whether you want children in your life. No one else gets to decide for you.

The idea of whether it’s “selfish” is morally grey. Technically, anything that we do that puts ourselves first and someone else last is selfish by definition. But, by that definition, we’re all constantly doing selfish things all of the time. I wouldn’t try to define it or justify it. Just do your thing and try not to be a dick when breaking it off.

[BillHe1]

Only been Talking for a couple months? Did you enjoy that time and get along OK? If he had told you the 1st date, would that have ended the relationship? Maybe he was just looking for companionship, and what were you looking for?

Some guys look at it the same way if the girl comes into a relationship with a child.

I've been married for almost 47 years. I was 22 and she was 20 with a 4 month old baby (when we met). She was 19 when she got married the 1st time. He started running around 4 mos later after she got pregnant.
I adopted the baby a year later.

[hahahmm]

You don't owe him anything. It's not like you're married & if you were he would have told you long before getting married.

He also forgot to tell you about the kid's mom who he probably still sees or has some relationship with. Sounds like the kids is more her responsibility & his than yours don't you think?

[TruthBringer]

You did the right thing. The fact he kept such crucial information a secret from you says it all. Just imagine what else he could be lying about down the line? If he thinks it's okay to lie about such an important thing, I see not why he wouldn't lie about smaller things. And that's not your friend. A friend is supposed to give advice and know what's best for you. And clearly, that friend of yours isn't on your side.

[Pete671]

No, enjoy yourself while young, too early imho to be tied down, you could still be friends though, like an Aunt, and be a great role model for the kid,,,
There you go, that's your motivation to travel, study, ride a motorcycle, fire a gun, you could be the coolest Aunt ever,,,

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Lol. 😂😂😂

[Anonymous]

I'm currently in the same situation and have heard opinions from both sides. I try to think of it like this though, what would be worse:
You giving up your youth and freedom and being in a relationship with a guy who's a dad
Or breaking it off now and living life.
Both could be good or bad. You might love being in a relationship with a guy who's a dad but you also might be miserable. Or if you do stay together and the child gets attached to you, it might be hard on the kid if y'all would break up later on. There's a lot of things to consider and sooo many possibilities but in the end, it's your life and you have to do what makes YOU happy.

[EllieFayre]

Well at some point you are selfish but in a good way since you're just 19 and still exploring the whole world. You already said that you are not ready enough to be a mother at a young age and you still want to have fun. Also, he didn't tell you beforehand that he already has a kid.

[TOTEMPLASTER]

To have fathered a child at such a young age suggests that he is a Negro as white guys usually are aware of the need for contraception to avoid the creation of a new life. If he is white, then he's a putz. Though he has probably learned a lesson from this mess, I would drop him as the down-stream potential for severe problems is far too high.

[menina]

No, it's not selfish. You have other priorities and you're not ready to deal with babies, which is fine and normal.
Breaking up is better than staying in this relationship when you don't want and you're not ready for such responsibility.
Dating someone with kids is not for everybody, when you date a parent you're also "dating" their child. You need to be with both and have time and patience for both. It's complicated.

[K-I-S-S]

Yes it is selfish.

And it is right to be in that regard. Choosing who do date is a pretty big decision in life, believe it or not. Especially if they have a kid.

So i would be good to be a bot selfish at this point and think what are you looking for on life. And he also did not speak of it sooner, so it is what it is now.

[heatherlou]

It may be selfish.. I suppose.

But in this case thats not a bad thing. When looking for a partner you have to think about whats right for you. And if dating someone who has a child isn't right for you, then that's fine. You are in no say obliged to do so - nor should you feel guilty about that decision.

[WesBrewer]

Leaving someone because of something they didn't tell you is 100% alright, if you were dating a guy and he told you he had STD's you wouldn't be happy, it si the same thing, just not as bad per se, lol.

[sheikalana]

Are you sure he's not kidding? I mean why would he hide a child? You should dump him he kept this secret from you for too long when he should have told you from the beginning.

[DizzyDesii]

Im fine with him having ONE kid as long as its between the ages of 2 and 6. But i wouldve broken up with the guy you mentioned because he waited longer than a month to tell me

[PinkSands04]

I wouldn’t think that is selfish, it’s just not what you’re looking for in a relationship right now, especially at 19. Still have your whole life ahead of you.

[Unit1]

You're clever to consider discontinuing dating him.

Kids are extra baggage out of thin air and there's no reason why you should be forced to endure it.

[Chriscunning]

At the age of 19 it's a bit heavy to deal with kids already. If you were 30, I would say selfish, at 19 you still got a lot of partying to attend to.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Still not selfish at 30, fyi.

[TruthBringer]

Even at 30 year olds she wouldn't be selfish. Choosing not to be with someone who has kids is not 'selfish' in a negative sense. It's called having preference and standards. Now read the story, the guy pretty much lied to her about his lifestyle. I don't see why it's "selfish" to leave someone who keeps such crucial information as being a PARENT a secret. That's called stringing someone along.

[Chriscunning]

@TruthBringer So lets say you meet a hottie, she's a 9 out of 10, even a 10. She's perfect! She's rich, drives Ferrari's and whatever else and owns a 10 bedroom mansion on the beach front. You wouldn't have to work if you chose not to. Always going on holidays, cruising on your private yacht. But she has a kid, so you would call it quits just because she has a kid?

[TruthBringer]

@Chriscunning You've taken it FAR out of context. That situation you described is not the same as this one. No need to pull strawmen.

[Chriscunning]

@TruthBringer Well the context is someone has a kid. From your response it shows that now the kid doesn't actually matter because the context is so far out. So that proves that people are actually selfish, because in this case it would be best to accept the kid.

[TruthBringer]

@Chriscunning Clearly you've interpreted my reaction wrong. No one is obligated to step up and take on responsibility which is not their own. Whether that partner is rich or not. On the contrary, if they refuse to date them for having a kid, despite being rich. That tells me they are genuine and aren't superficial. If that 30 year old would accept a rich person with kids, but refuse when dealing with a middle-class parent, then there is clearly some golddigging involved.

Yes, I would call it quits because she has a kid, regardless of her wealth, because I'm not obligated to date outside my preference and standards. You see it as a selfish in a negative sense, I see it being "selfish" in a positive sense.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

@Chriscunning Yes.

Doesn't matter if she's the richest woman on earth with a godly body. She has a kid.

It isn't selfish for someone to not want to date someone with a child. If someone's childfree, all the money and sex in the world won't change that.

And you really think some ubercatch who values their child will really be happy with a partner who doesn't want that child?

This is amazingly stupid. So stupid, it's entertaining.

What makes you think not having a child is "selfish"?

[TruthBringer]

@Smoke-n-Growls Well said!

[pleasestopthis]

If you're not ready to deal with it you have the right to break up, in fact, it's better that way. That's something that one shouldn't keep secret until "the right time" so the other person won't waste time.