Why does my dads girlfriend said my moms death is harder on him than it is on us? Does are feelings not matter anymore?

[Anonymous]

My dad acted funny when my older sister bought and urn for moms ashes and my dad was like, “Meh…. you know you can’t keep them ashes forever right? You going to have to dump them somewhere. Plus it’s like having her back into our hours only she’s dead. Get them out of here!” And he walked off.”

What is dads problem. My dads girlfriend said, “Sorry but he’s right. I don’t really know how long ashes last but you can’t keep them forever. Maybe you can put them in a necklace. There’s something you need to remember. This is tough on your dad. Your mom’s death is WAY harder for her because he’s known her since they were 15 and been together since the age of 17, married at 22 and they’ve been together for like 30 years. You gotta are sure you’re checking up on him because he doesn’t know how to express his feelings. That urn probably hit him so hard and you and your siblings need to check on him. Also check on your siblings. You aren’t the lonely one that lost your your they did too.”

I looked at her and said, “So our feelings don’t matter? It seems like everyone cares about everyone else’s feelings but mine.”

She said she didn’t say that she said that she knows I make everything about me but I need to understand that it’s hard for everyone else and I need check up on them too. Dad and moms siblings take it a lot harder because they’ve known her longer.

Wow…. my feelings don’t matter or my siblings? When I show feelings people dismiss them but if it’s my siblings, Dad and everyone else, they get support.

I know I’m autistic and tend to repeat things sometimes but come on!

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm also sorry that you aren't getting the emotional support you should, while grieving.

I agree with you. Your feelings are being overlooked. It's not right. I agree.

I don't know how close you and your siblings are with your dad's girlfriend, but I can see HER (not grieving as deeply... I assume) telling you how you should feel about your mother passing away.

Also, that's your mom! What the fuck is she talking about. Losing your mother is one of the most painful things a person experiences. Your feeling should have been acknowledge as valid. They are. You're grieving as deeply as anyone, even your dad.

I'm sorry you didn't get the comfort from family the way anyone should upon the passing of their mother. My condolences.

Looking at what you said, I think I can see some things from the outside, that might not be as easy for you to see from where you are (understandably).

I am not trying to excuse anybody's behavior. I think both your dad and his girlfriend are both in the wrong. I do think I can see where each of them might be coming from. Again, I do think both were wrong.

Your dad: I think that your dad really isn't handling this very well. His reaction to the urn is highly inapropriate. That seems like a man who doesn't know how to process what he's feeling. I think its coming out in a way that is not how he truly feels. I think its behavior as a defence mechanism. I don't know if its trying to ignore how much your mother meant to him in an effort to ease his grief. I just don't think that's a guy who is handling her death well. I hope he'll feel differently after some time. Then again, I don't know your dad. His offence is caused by his grief.

His girlfriend. She is less easy to forgive. To me, it seems totally out of place for your dad's girlfriend to tell you ANYTHING about how you should handle the death of your own mother. THen again, perhaps his girlfriend has a closer, and longer-term relationship with you than I'm assuming. It still seems like she is the last person to say shit to you.

What she did, was tell you your dad's grief is more important than yours because she's closest to your dad. She's worrying about your dad (which is right). The problem is, as you say: She is treating you as though you don't have a right to your grief. It's not fair. She was just in the wrong straight-up. She is being good to your dad, but she needs to treat you with the same empathy. Hopefully she'll realize she's treated you unfairly, and will apologize at some point in the future. (Maybe not. I don't know her personality).

I'm sorry you're going through the family stuff which is fucking with you being able to grieve and be supported by your loved-ones. I

'm sorry.