Should I say something if my wife only seems to like two of our five kids?

Question

My wife and I have been married for a long time and we have five children. But recently I have noticed that she only really cares about two of them. She is especially affectionate and attentive to Brian and Eric, the younger one, and constantly praises them. But our other three children are either criticized or completely ignored. This seems to affect the children's moods as well, and it creates an unstable environment in the house. I want to talk to her about it, but I don't want to be accusatory. How can I bring this up in a constructive way without making her defensive or hurting her? I want to resolve this situation for both the children and our relationship, because I am afraid it will get worse over time.

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

I think you should denitely talk to her. I think that you're right to want to do it as constructively as possible.

I don't know if there's any way to completely avoid seeming accusatory. Because you are, essentially making an accusation.

I think perhaps concrete examples might be helpful. To contrast the two. The other thing is to highlight that you feel its having an effect on your other three children.

Tell her what you've noticed (and when you first noticed, and whether in retrospect she's always treated them differently).

Ask her if she agrees with your perception that she is treating them differently than your youngest two. Ask if she has any idea why? Ask her if she is even aware that she is doing it.

I think that being as gentle as possible in how you approach it is obviously key. But you still need to make sure you convey everything you feel is wrong.

You may want to start by literally saying something like "I've had a really hard time trying to figure out how to talk to you about this. I do not want to come off as accusatory. I am not trying to attack you. I am hoping that we can have a constructive talk about this. I hope you can keep an open mind"

Or something to explicitly express something to that effect.

I don't think this is going to be easy regardless. I think most people are inclined to feel attacked. At least at first.

But I think it's important that you do talk to her. You are the only person in the world (literally); who can hope to intervene/change this for your oldest 3 kids. Nobody but you can help change their lot, when it comes to how their mother treats them.

TheSpaceGnome · Accepted Answer

Parents are supposed to care for their kids regardless of whether or not they would click if not family. One of the reasons I don't want kids is because I'd be worried that any of them would be unlike me mentally and we wouldn't get along.

If that happened, I would need to set aside my social comfort zone for the sake of my children, and if presented with that situation, I would.

Without a second thought I would do anything for my kids, even if I did not see eye to eye with them, even if it bothered me.

Which is why I refuse to breed.

She made her bed, she has to lay in it.

Talk to her, tell her playing favorites is not ok.

Kelley1 · Accepted Answer

Have you had a DNA or blood test to determine if the three she favors less are your children? You know she is the mother of all five children, but the two favored children may be sired by a man she thinks more highly of. Based on the belief that ten percent of children are not sired by the presumed father, there is a forty percent probability that at least on of the children is not sired by you.

Assuming the foregoing is not the case, you should tell her that you require she treat all five children equally or else you will start giving the three extra attention, presents, money specifically for their college fund, etc., to compensate equally for her favoritism.

biraileeşkadını · Accepted Answer

"Having too many is a mess. Not loving your own child is no different than cheating on your spouse. It's as if one of them is a curse — so why would you even have a second or third?"

diamond · Answer

Yes, you should definitely say something, but carefully. As a mother myself, I would want my partner to approach me gently, perhaps starting with how much we both love our children. Then express your concern about the dynamics you notice, not as accusations, but as a shared problem that needs to be healed for the well-being of the family.

bddddd · Answer

So... this is huge. I would encourage you to talk to a psych, counsellor or friend beforehand to help you organise your thoughts. Nothing will ever be the same after you have this conversation with your wife. Based on what you have said, that is probably a good thing, but there is no turning back. I put the probability of divorce at 80%.

Staximus · Answer

Go to a family counselor and then they can tell her and be the bad guy , or just stop tap dancing around the issue and call her out. You can video her interacting with the kids she likes and the kids she doesn't like and show her the differences and tell her that this is not acceptable behavior at all.

molonski2 · Answer

Mate. You need an urgent meeting , make the appointment write an agenda , please don't have a 6th , get some DNA tests done. Go though everything.

Babebytheshore85 · Answer

You need to address her these are children. Dont be a doormat

AviatorTom · Answer

Parents always have favorite children. If your spouse favors two of the five kids, your role is to offset that by favoring the other three.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

Get DNA tests. Maybe she dislikes your children, and likes someone else's

beenherebefore · Answer

You definitely need to say something. While I think is normal for parents to have a favorite child I think is wrong to make it obvious.

Renegade_Sailor · Answer

Do a DNA test on your kids. This is often because the ones she favors have a different father who she is more in love with.

RingOfFire · Answer

You need to talk to her and make her understand that she is damaging these children. She needs to get professional mental counseling.

bgzcuniverstylaw · Answer

Karınız normal değil. Akıl hastanesine gitmesi lazım. Çocukları kurtarın.

January_Sixth · Answer

Yes, but gently

Jove79 · Answer

That’s sad. This can really affect the children.

Anonymous · Answer

You aren't a professional. Maybe ask one.

chocolatetwopointo · Answer

why do u have 5 kids? pretty selfish if u ask me.

Tempest_Flame · Answer

your wife is weird

Should I say something if my wife only seems to like two of our five kids?

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