How To Deal With A People Pleaser Brother?

Question

my brother is obsessed with making people happy and feeling validated. i often say no to people and that makes me a "loner" and "negative", adjectives he's been avoiding since he reached crossed the age of 12. he's 18 now, and more people pleasing than ever. he sometimes fights with his own family so he can maintain the cool guy image for his college and friend circle. i don't think it's an age thing, more like learnt behaviour. my dad would literally rip off his arms if that makes people around him comfortable and satisfied. he's also a bit into validation seeking, which only improved once it was too late.

Updates

1 y

He's too arrogant to ask for scholarship in college. He think his image will be destroyed and probably his friends will look down on him for being broke lol. He wants to do job to keep the illusion going. Dad thinks he won't study properly if he gets a job.

And that's why I think he should learn to give a Fudge less about other people's opinions

Genie23 · Accepted Answer

One of my good friends also has this tendency and I've recently started talking about it "you seem to have a people pleasing personality and it will only exhaust you. Drain you.. If you don't learn to say no. What's the worst that could happen if you express you can't do it or don't feel like it? It's okay"

I've known him for a long time but I started talking about it recently because, he started expressing lot of frustration since the last few weeks. He's already so busy and dealing with his own stress but people don't seem to leave him alone. They keep calling him even at off times, show up at his home even at midnight and they keep asking him for helps and favours. Many ask for help everyday. As if they assume he'd always be in the mood to entertain and always happy to help. It's not only his friends who are using him and others, even his school teacher (graduated a long time ago) also started texting him at night to ask him to prepare test for kids as she doesn't know how to use a laptop or pc. 🤦🏻‍♀️

He got so fed up of everyone of pleasing everyone and helping everyone but can't express it directly. I keep trying to encourage him to "learn to say no. Learn to create boundaries or people won't understand what are you not okay with and they'll keep expecting you to do things for them 24/7 even if you're super busy and struggling in life "

I even had a little debate with him over a week ago. He said "I tried saying no... but I couldn't. I have an excuse that I couldn't do things for them tonight as I have a packed schedule but then he was insisted to do it tomorrow morning then I didn't know what to say. I ended up saying okay as I didn't see a way out of it"

So, I'm speaking from the experience - The more you'll try to talk, the more he'll feel pressurised and conflicted. He'll even get really irritated. You can't help him if he doesn't want to accept that he has a tendency to please people and find out why does he care so much. He'll first need to acknowledge that he has this issue and once he finds out the root cause whether it's the learnt behaviour from father or some other reasons, he will start taking your guidance and if he still struggles and if he starts getting mad at you or other family members often and can't talk things out with you, then gently suggest him to talk to a counselor.

j0han · Accepted Answer

Well, you’re absolutely right. In psychology, this falls under observational learning, a concept introduced by Bandura. Mere humans imitate behaviours they’ve seen rewarded in others. Since you’re his sister, take a moment to reflect and thinkk who in your or his environment modeled his behaviour? your brother observed that being agreeable earned approval or avoided conflict and that people pleasing behaviour got reinforced as you mentioned

Now, wanting to be liked is part of human nature. There’s this social identity theory… we strive to be accepted in our in-groups (like college friends) and manage impressions for out-groups (family, teachers). Your brother might also be experiencing impression management (Goffman’s dramaturgical theory), where people act out roles to appear likable or “cool”

the question isn’t age, it’s whether he’ll ever outgrow this phase or not. Research suggests that emotional maturity, especially in males, continues developing well into the mid20s or even early 30s. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision making and impulse control, isn’t fully matured until then.

You see, behaviour and personality are more complex than they appear. I would’ve suggested some behavioural resets, but the truth is your brother likely won’t take your advice right now. His people pleasing gives him validation and approval, so he sees no issue with it. He doesn’t recognises the cost of his behaviour. Until he sees a problem, he won’t feel the need to fix it. What he truly needs is to develop a stronger sense of self and that takes time. The key shift is from external validation (being liked) to internal validation (self-worth from within) and that doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process of emotional growth not just mindset change

Subtle_Luminescence · Accepted Answer

Tell him to observe if other people are doing the same for him (pleasing him) and/or quit pleasing others for once and find his own convenience in some matters for his own good in his awareness, if they change their attitude towards him negatively, make sure he takes a note of it as a lesson. If not, then there's not much you can do. Time and disappointments will teach him.

Deepinthought345 · Answer

Its a lot to do with conditioning. Most men have been raised to take family for granted while keeping the "society" happy. The facade has to be maintained. He has worked towards creating some image of himself with the social circle around him and has benefitted from this in some way. Now he has to keep up this charade. You on the other hand have always stayed away from outside influence because you have depended only on yourself to get to where you are. Any outside influence will demerit your achievements.
The only way to deal with a people pleaser is to let them walk into their own downfall. As family most you can do at this point is to make sure he doesn't fall too hard.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

The way you deal with anything that isn't about you internally?

Since you're not in control of his psychology, since you cannot know how much rooted or how this validation seeking is rooted within him then... The only thing you can do is talk, share, love. Whenever it applies

Still-alive · Answer

as a once big people pleaser myself unfortunately he will have to learn the hard way. some people are just not gonna like you no matter what you do.

college-student2021 · Answer

You can give him a advice but at the end it’s really up to him to change.

He shouldn’t care to keep appearance and instead look after what benefits him which is getting a scholarship for education.

Grond21 · Answer

Sounds like he learned this pattern from your father.

NathanDavis · Answer

sometimes... the best way to learn a lesson is to learn it by yourself hopefully... he'll do that himself, eventually

Lynx122 · Answer

You can't do anything, the hard lessons we have to learn ourselves when we're ready.

TallAnon · Answer

Sometimes people need to make mistakes to learn from them.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

I agree with your dad. When I got a job, all of my energy went to my job, not to my schoolwork.

stratford · Answer

Talk it through with him

MasterKS · Answer

Just let his live his own life.

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