How Do I help My Friend Who Just Got Her Second DUI?

[emeraldsaphire]

I've been friends with her for about 5 years now. She's struggled with alcohol for as long as I've known her. She's tried to go sober multiple times and will be doing great for a while, but then she'll relapse. She's a great person and has been really supportive during my pregnancy. So it really hurts me to see her like this.

A few days ago i got a call from her at the county jail. She got into a minor fender bender with a parked car, I don't remember her BAC, but it was high. The worst part is that she had her two kids in the car one 9 the other 5. Me and my husband were able to help her get a bail bondsmen and help her pay for her bail and picked her up that day from jail.

She's looking at a felony with jail time. I think the kids in the car is what really did it. She's in deep trouble, I've been trying to help as much as i can, but i'm also pregnant with my first child so I'm not exactly at my best right now.

How can I help her get through this?

[lightbulb27]

@midnightmoon05

she has to die.

my opinion is she goes to church, finds Christ, and dies to self. Then she gives up this drug in place of the God drug. While in that process, she learns to work on her deeper emotional issues by way of Christian counseling, cousneling, AA or other groups and finds ways to manage the stress she's in with other parents. She has deep issues that need worked out, asap... an outlet for her stress.

The other approach is to put her in a simulation where she is locked up in a sinking car. ... get creative... and when she screams she will never touch it again as she's going to die, you let her out and comfort her.

Otherwise, chance she kills or seriously maims someone is high and ends up doing longer in jail, just to end up doing the first paragraph. So save someone else the misery. That makes suggestions in paragraph 1, minor.

You cannot be nice to a person like your friend, you have to strict in guiding her to the essential options. If she fails, you tell her to get out of your life, yell at her, etc. She's drinking because of a deep seated emotional problem. You want to be a friend to a demon? You have to deal with the demons...

[AviatorTom]

Your desire to help us excellent, but to be totally honest, there's not much you can do. She made choices and choices have consequences. Be a good friend to her, give her your support, that's about all you can do. She has to learn to help herself, no one can force that.

[AviatorTom]

Thanks for MHO

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

First, get a good lawyer. They’ll get her the best possible sentence if she’s facing a felony, which might involve a multi-year probation with a breath reader attached to her car. That’s what my uncle had to deal with for his DUI.
Second, has she been attending AA meetings regularly? Does she have a sponsor? Has she been to a therapist to see where this need to use alcohol comes from? Addiction can have a lot of different sources and it’s important that she addresses those and finds new coping mechanisms. My mother has been sober for 16 years but to cope with losing alcohol she went on a pretty heavy soda kick. It helped, and she stayed sober for a good, long while. My uncle was a harder case, he had a tendency to get blackout drunk and drive. They had to stage an intervention and put him in a rehab facility for a month. But now he’s 4 years sober.
If she serves prison time the good news is the structure of it all will help keep her away from alcohol, so it’s not a total negative but what’s done can’t be undone. Just get a good lawyer for her first and if prison is a non-negotiable, he can probably negotiate for a low security prison.

[emeraldsaphire]

She's in therapy and going to AA, I'll have to ask about the sponsor. She's had an interlock before I've seen her use it lol. I'm glad your mom and uncle got sober.

[NoDecision]

Maybe she needs to spend time in jail as it will not allow her to drink. Or maybe she is just stressed out by kids and life. I just doubt any counseling will benefit her except for a short time. When the shit hits the fan, she will go back to drinking.

[Flower7]

Good point that in jail, she will be separated from alcohol.

[SixFootSexy]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/kssNrQ8d79E

Addiction is a form of self soothing/medication, people are typically coping with something they need to do the deep work to overcome but can't, either due to ignorance, willfulness or laziness.

Support from others and God is necessary to get out of the holes we've each found ourselves in. Another thing you must remember is, take one step in helping someone, but also don't take 2 steps until they take the next step. Otherwise you will wind up dragging them and the process will fail. Godspeed to you and your friend.

[Alex-Snow]

Sorry to hear this. Hopefully no one was hurt. Maybe help her find a good attorney. When she gets out of jail get her involved to AA and go with her if you have time

[emeraldsaphire]

My husband knows a good lawyer so he got her in contact with him. Thankfully she just hit a parked car when leaving a parking lot. No one was hurt and the damage on both cars were minimal

[slatyb]

There's not a lot you can do. She needs a lawyer who may be able to get an acceptable plea agreement, but no matter what it's going to be expensive. It's going to depend on the laws in your location. Probably the best you can do is help with child care when she is unable due to court appearances or otherwise.

[RandomGirl42]

I have a couple suggestions that may help but I'd rather not go over them all here so I sent u a follow request. I will say, there is a solution. 😊

[Agape93]

If she goes to jail or prison, keep contact and try to get money on her commissary. If she can get out of that, support her but be really fucking firm. Make her accountable, and I say this as an alcoholic.

[purplepoppy]

She could have killed her own kids plus others. If she doesn't care about them why should you care about her?

[emeraldsaphire]

I don't think that is exactly fair. She made a reckless and stupid decision that she strongly regrets.

[purplepoppy]

The fact kids were on the car will count heavily against her in court. Don't be surprised if they're taken from her.

[emeraldsaphire]

CPS is all-ready investigating. Her lawyer doesn't think the kids will be taken, but i they were me and my husband would be willing to foster them.

[PeachyPie93]

You can't help an addict all you do is enable them.. You have to let her hit rock bottom or she will keep doing the same shit..

[emeraldsaphire]

Me and my husband have been worried about this. So we've been looking up lots of resources to help. I don't think we are enabling them

[Nikki1989]

You cannot fix her addiction, but you can be a pillar of support that guides her toward professional help.

[RHK36]

She needs accountability. AA is a good first step. Everyone needs to hold her accountable other it'll never work. She needs to want to get better or it'll never work. Best you can do is be supportive.

[emeraldsaphire]

she's doing AA and is in some kind of out patient program. Me and my husband have never drank with her, I don't know about her other friends, but I think she's really serious about quitting and i hope this is her wake up call.

[Flower7]

It would have been more helpful for you to NOT get her out of jail. She needs to face responsibility for her own actions and not be babied.

[Paige90]

Go to AA with her

[emeraldsaphire]

I guess I could that, I've never been to there meetings. I didn't know non alcoholics could go lol

[Paige90]

She is and you can go with her for support

[OneViewpoint]

Some problems are not within your control. This may be one of them.

[jahaims]

She puts children's lives in danger willingly. Why would you be friends with someone that selfish.

[Anonymous]

With a good lawyer she can make a plea deal take sobriety classes AA classes and a reduced sentence or sobriety classes with a year parole if her lawyer can strike some kind of plea deal bargain with the prosecuting DA

[Anonymous]

To be honest a stretch in the stir might benefit her.

[Flower7]

What does this mean?

[Opinion Owner]

@Flower7 A "stretch in the stir" is English for a prison sentence.

[Jmmmfi4]

You can't... she needs professional help

Get her to an AA meeting

[douride2]

Take her car keys away from her.

[emeraldsaphire]

Court has already done that, but she sold her car.

[douride2]

Then that is a good start. She should quit either driving or drinking. With 2 small children quitting both is the best action.

[Jennz6]

Bail her out of jail

[emeraldsaphire]

She's out on bail right now. already did that lol

[Raydergman26]

Take her to a aa class or to rehab

[Anonymous]

She can make some money by doing escort.

[Ariesman81]

By not enabling it