Was it normal for parents to hit or threaten kids over trivial mistakes?

[Vesuvius87]

Perhaps this is my major reason why I have a radical stance on parenting my son without corporal punishment. I want to know if this reaction was also common:

I was 8 years old the last I got hit with a belt or smacked on my hand by my father for not understanding my math homework after his 3rd explanation. It was accompanied by yelling too. What was that all about? It felt like torture having him as a teacher. How is yelling and hitting teaching a kid how to learn math or other homework?

Afterwards it was just yelling and getting threatened with the belt at times. I made me feel humiliated. Then when I was 11, he chased me with the belt for not learning how to use a remote control after his 3rd explanation. That happened on the night before my 11th b-day to be exact. I ran fast and locked myself in the bathroom. My mother talked him out of that and really thought that was crazy. I was furious that day.

Then I was 14, the last time he threatened me with the belt (didn't hit me but the threatened was degrading and scary). One time it was for accidentally losing my golden bracelet my godmother gave me. Another time (a month before my 15th b-day to be exact) it was for buying another jeans and letting my friend straightened my hair, something he didn't like. All of the sudden all hell broke lose and I hide myself in the bathroom. I had no idea he would react in that manner. My mother intervened and thought that was crazy too.

Though those were the few times, I think once is enough to be awful. Was that reaction common? Was it common back then to yell and hit or threatened you for trivial things? Then supposedly he would end up feeling bad but the damage is done.

Updates

4 mo

I think it's cowardly for a grown man to take it out on a girl like that; knowing very well I was unable to do anything. Plus doing it in anger is pathetic. Why even have kids?

[nolabels]

That sounds pretty bad.
I'm sorry that happened to you.

There's the saying that "Those who hurt, hurt others."
I don't know how universally true that saying is, but thinking of that saying helps me to forgive, making life much easier for myself.

That being said, as a kid, I got smacked a few times, got a bare-assed, flat-handed spanking from mom once, and a mouth washed out with soap once, also courtesy of mom.

Love ya, mom. RIP

I had 'em coming, and they weren't violent.
It'd be pretty darned exciting for some moments, there, in a weird way, but not lastingly hurtful for me.

My dad, rest his soul, I lost him to cancer when I was 11 and he was 42, would get into rages sometimes.
He wouldn't rage at me.
He'd just become enraged sometimes.
Maybe he was mad at the world, or maybe he was hurt inside.
I'll never know.
I loved him with every fiber of my being.
Still do.

I grew up to find that I'd become enraged at stuff, too.
I got help for myself.
I no longer become enraged.
I'm much happier now.

I have a 28-year-old son.
I pray for him.
He got to see me break the cycle eventually, but as a youngster, he was also witness to the same behavior that I had witnessed as a kid.
Yeah, I pray for him.


Cheers to you and good luck! 😊👍

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you and I'm glad you got the help you needed. I don't want my son to undergo the same thing at all. I'm actually reading one of my gentle parenting books my husband bought me. I grew up totally disliking hitting kids. I've always felt it's mainly done out of frustration or anger, which is bad. That can easily escalate to abuse. Even if it were done in a calm manner (which I never heard about), it's kind of lazy on the parent's part because they just did the most basic and easiest thing ever. Anyone can get obedience and quietness out of a child by fear of a spanking vs getting the same result through constant but time-consuming operant conditioning and applying logical consequences.

[nolabels]

I agree with you.

[Cyfris]

Your father was the kind of abusive people should be locked up for in my opinion. That being said when my old man beat my ass for stealing his truck and putting it in the ditch I think was a much more justified use of force and not abuse. I was a cocky little shit that needed to learn there are real consequences to actions and that life wasn't a game. It prevented me from spiraling to far down the rabbit hole I was in and likely kept me out of jail or worse dead. There has to be can and can nots as a parent and when nice doesn't work and nice +1 doesn't work and nice +2 don't doesn't work you have to shift to not so nice and not so nice +1 then eventually you have to move to something else until something works. I strongly agree with taking the softest route possible and usually lay it out to kids like that.. you have these options, the easy way the less easy way and the hard way. Your job as a parent is to what is right for you kids so they can have a better life then you did not so they can have a softer life or an easier life or a friendlier parent. Parenting is hard and there is no right or wrong answer because every child and siituation is different. Never say never because you never know. Hope for the best yes but prepare for the worst.

[Vesuvius87]

I'm really a radical person when my mind has taken a strong animosity and dislike (hatred) towards something dramatic. I can pretty much say the same thing about my dislike for pizza. I'll never like it. It's how I feel about corporal punishment (aka hitting) kids and teens.

I feel that even if it was really for a reason; at worst the parent can overdo it in anger and leaves a couple bruises or redness, which stops having a purpose and it's only about venting your own anger and frustration by then, just to get it done and over with. It can become an impusive act. Anything done is anger is dangerous.
Then at best, even if the parent gives moderated striking and no bruises, I view it as laziness. There are always options and if it's an older teen, then they should be treated as adults, therefore adult-like consequences, not getting punished like a toddler.

[Vesuvius87]

So yeah at worst (even if the kid had done something very wrong) it can be done out of anger and escalate so much, then it would be heading towards abuse and at best it can make you think there could've still been other options but you ended up using the most basic and simple thing ever. I like taking longer routes when it comes to raising my son and my husband bought me two gentle parenting books.

[Cyfris]

Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to take away from what you're doing. I think it is great and noble sounds absolutely wonderful. I also can't wait to hear your out look if you have three of em running around causing hell. I don't support abuse and violence should never be used except as a last resort. I am just an example of a last resort. I was year at most away from jail and one punch in the mouth and I never stole another car and went on to live a normal life. Doesn't work for everyone but it worked for me.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah my younger younger ended up punch back my father and dropping him on the floor during an argument. He father hit first (slapping) but my brother hit him back harder. It was an awful scene. That wouldn't have worked on my brother. He is the type of hit back any man (even his father) if he's hit. Though he has a soft spot for women. A female bully at his school got a bit aggressive with him and he did nothing.

[ArrowheadSW]

I am so sorry to hear that you had to grow up in that environment.

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you. I'll make sure my son lives in harmony and peace, away from several punishment and violence. I don't want to have a fearful, obedient kid. That's horrible.

[ArrowheadSW]

@Vesuvius87 That is so cool that you are committed to raising your child in the best environment possible.

[LC75LC71]

Yeah, that's abuse.. While I still agree a good whoopin every now and then can prove helpful, using a belt on fucked up freakouts over tiny shit is no way to raise a child.

[Vesuvius87]

Honestly by the time my father was doing it out of frustration (out of control and emotions running high), I wouldn't care anymore if there was even a reason. I grew up to hate that sort of parenting style. If a husband was slapping his wife around (as long as it's just a slap and it never leaves bruises, not a punch nor beating) every now and then whenever she runs her mouth, that would be abuse already.

[TonyMetal___86]

I don't like to resort to violence but also won't take it away conpletely, i use it as a last resort because some kids are like little demons, nothing works with them!

[Vesuvius87]

No little kid is a demon. They are trying to express themselves and still learning. It's awful to see a grown-up perpetrating violence towards him. I view it as cowardly, esp a full grown-up doing that to a little girl, his own daughter.

[TonyMetal___86]

To me there is no difference between a son and a daughter, what's wrong is wrong, same punishment for both...

It's not about expression when you does something wrong over and over again and doesn't care about the consequences at all...

[Vesuvius87]

I really feel sorry for any woman that wants kids and gets involved with you. No offense but honestly, if you were the father of my son and hit him with a damn belt or other things (hitting is hitting to me), I would have you arrested for child abuse. I would make sure to get full custody. Anyone hitting my son will be dealing with a real angry mom.

[TonyMetal___86]

Believe me of you were with me, you will accept everything with a smile on your face too!

The best thing you can do is being sad or filing for a divorce, choosing to ruin your life and your kids life just because they need to be disciplined...

You will regret it later when your son spits at you and dumps you, than you will start crying and yelling "sorry my husband, please forgive me, where are you!"

You might be laughing now but that's the truth!

[Vesuvius87]

In your own words what exactly is discipline? It's really about setting up boundaries, rules as well as providing guidance and applying consequences. It's not about corporal punishment.

It can be said that someone always arriving early to work and have a fixed routine at home is a disciplined person and that has nothing to do with getting hit with belts.

[TonyMetal___86]

You're right about that, but there are always extreme measure, no sane person would hit his child from the first time or for small mistakes, sometimes the kids must fear you so you make them listen to you, but hey even if it's wrong, always remember that you're doing what's best for them, you want to out them on the right track at all costs, do you prefer to beat your kids so you save them or let them do what they want and in the end they die and you will mourne them just because you couldn't raise them right 🤔

Plus what kind of a wife dumps her husband for her kids? I'd never marry a woman who puts her kids before me or before our marriage 🤦🏻‍♂️

What your dad did was surely wrong, like i said it's the last resort and no one enjoys doing such things but sometimes you do it as much as you love your kids and because you don't wanna lose them at all costs!

[msc545]

I doubt the fathers of girls do this kind of thing anymore, knowing full well that any daughter of theirs can report them for sexual molestation, and their life will be over.

[Vesuvius87]

If it helps out, years later I actually did once reported him for domestic violence. I think that's one reason he'll never be able to go to the US.

[LadyBecks]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you for the empathy.

[Nikki1989]

That was never normal.

[Vesuvius87]

That's great to hear. I don't understand why that's still normalized by some people. Maybe those that expresed themselves to be so grateful their parents did that enjoyed physical pain. I don't.

[slatyb]

Forget normal. It's abusive.

[Vesuvius87]

It is abusive. I don't fail to understand why that's still normalized and even glorified by some people.

[Jennz6]

@Vesuvius87

I was spanked too

[Vesuvius87]

It sucks how some people still glorify it. I definitely don't want that for my son.

[Jennz6]

@Vesuvius87
Do you have a little girl too?

[Vesuvius87]

Nope. I'm a first time mother of a nearly 10 month-old baby boy. Though my husband and I might conceive after our son turns 2. Maybe, I might have a girl the 2nd time.

[Jennz6]

@Vesuvius87
That would be precious

[Vesuvius87]

yeah so our boy doesn't feel lonely.

[888theGreat]

Spare the rod, spoil the child

[Vesuvius87]

I hated it and still hate it as an adult. I never got to thank him for that and never will.

[Vesuvius87]

As soon as it's even done out of anger and frustration, it's never about teaching but just you venting, your own impulses. I find that selfish... caring more about your own feelings just to take out your anger and get it done and over with... than caring for your own child you just traumatized.