How would you handle a friend who complains about money but refuses help?

[Anonymous]

I know a girl who turned 27 in February so she will be 28 in February 2027 and she’s always complaining about money struggles! I’m not really close friends with her, but I do know of her, but one of my friends is sort of friends with her and she’s always trying to figure out ways to help her, but this girl that I know of always refuses the help and always says she doesn’t wanna do that. She says she’s struggling to pay rent even though she lives in a two bedroom apartment by herself. She doesn’t have a car because she can’t afford one and always has to ask somebody for a ride to work she works ungodly hours from like 11 PM to like 3 AM and she says she doesn’t wanna move it back in with her grandparents or her mom or get a roommate! My friend keeps suggesting that she should move back in with her grandparents or her mom so she wouldn’t have to pay rent so she would be able to finally start saving up for a car instead of having to wear paying rent for her apartment! I keep giving the options of her getting a roommate and my friend suggested that to the girl we know and she said absolutely not. I had a roommate in the past and I hated it then find someone you will like and room with interview people find someone you will actually get along with. We’ve also suggested for her to move back in with her grandpa grandparents or her mom and she said no I don’t wanna do that either because I don’t wanna wake them up when I come home. I really don’t think that they will mind! We have also suggested that when she gets a car she could do Uber eats and DoorDash! So what would you guys do in this situation?

Updates

8 d

by the way my friend & I are just trying to help her and give her options because she’s constantly complaining that she is struggling and she works at a hospital but she doesn’t have a degree in nursing or doctoring so she doesn’t get paid that much and since she has to pay rent, she can’t really save up for a new car so my friend and I are just trying to suggest options and help her out! We’re not trying to control her in anyway we’re just trying to offer her help and try to be decent people.

Updates

8 d

Also, I understand that this girl has the right to refuse. All of the options were giving her, but we’re just trying to help her to not struggle as much like she doesn’t have to pay rent if she moves back in with her grandparents or her mom which would save her a lot of money. She also lives in a two bedroom apartment alone, which is a lot more money than living in a one bedroom apartment at least in the apartment complex that she lives in.

[Anonymous]

It would depend whether i thought she was making headqay at all. I'm in a good place financially but twas not always the case with me. Sometimes you chase you tail not even realizing by the time you get anywhere you'll be a 100 years old. I run into this problem with my sister. They all think i chase a pipe dream investing. And i do not claim to have it all figured out. But i've gotten better every year. And this is the first year i've managed a 6 figure return. My sister conversely puts all her money in CD's. I'm not knocking on CD's any return is better than no return. But the problem is she's barely beating inflation. I tell her at best she's going to tread water for the rest of her life at that rate.

The way your friend lives is clearly what's most important to her. And that's not wrong. Just wrong for you (when faced with her problems). If you spoken your peace about what you feel she can do better then i'd just tune her complaining out. If you cannot do that then i'd distance myself from her. Personally, unless it's CONSTANT complaining i'd be ok with someone venting about money troubles. Everyone needs to vent now and again.

[Asker]

I have blocked this girl on everything because I wanted to completely cut her out of my life after she told my friend something that I should stop obsessing over even though I can’t she told my friend to stop obsessing over the boy band One Direction, which I cannot because they got me through a lot of tough situations when I was growing up because when I was feeling sad or depressed, I would listen to the songs and I immediately feel happy so I’m not gonna stop liking them so I decided to cut her out of my life and block her and I keep telling my friend to do the same thing because I can tell that my friend feels stressed when this girl is talking to her about like driving her to work late at night cause this girl works ungodly hours and she chooses to work those hours and my friend has told her then maybe she can work an earlier time so maybe she can have somebody who can drive her to and from work but she just refuses to do that. She refuses to get any help so at this point I just give up on ideas.

[Chayce]

By not even wasting energy. Complaining about a situation you can fix makes no sense to me, nor would I have the emotional or logical bandwith to try and "fix and reason" with this person or help them when they refuse to help themselves.

[HollyK21]

Years ago I had a coworker like this, and after a point I would just listen, tell her something along the lines of “I’m really sorry to hear about that, hopefully it gets better”. I’d even redirect the conversation or just not say anything about that at all. I’ve been the person who offers every solution I could possibly think of only for each suggestion to be shot down, and I think those people just want a big old pity party rather than actual help. It’s not up to you and your friend to dig up solutions for someone else’s problems, let her take care of that and focus on yourselves.

[Asker]

I mean, yeah I understand all that like I’m just kind of done with her at this point, but my friend is just too nice and doesn’t wanna like leave her alone and like stop being friends with her even though I’ve seen how my friend acts cause that girl is causing my friend a lot of stress because my friend doesn’t know how to help her because she’s not helping herself in any way

[HollyK21]

She doesn’t have to end the friendship, just set boundaries. Same goes for you, it sounds like you hardly know this woman yet trying your hardest to find solutions to and take on her problems. This is an adult. If she won’t take the most obvious routes of helping herself, then that’s her own personal problem and she’s got to figure it out.

[Asker]

I know my friend doesn’t have to stop being friends with her, but I can tell that she’s also causing my friend a lot of stress because my friends like saying she wants to help out, but she doesn’t know how because when this girl is asking for a ride to work very late at night when she’s going to work my friend doesn’t know how to answer because she’s already either asleep or has to wake up early the next morning anyway to go to her own job and I told my friend to tell this girl that she always take the city bus because at least where I live, the city bus is only a dollar to $1.25 depending on if you have to switch buses on the route, and I understand that this girl can refuse the options were giving her, but we’re just trying to have her not struggle as much as she is right now, but if she wants to continue struggling then I don’t care at this point

[HollyK21]

In all honesty, it sounds like your friend just needs to get better about speaking up and advocating for her own self. You do recognize that, kindness aside, she doesn’t have to do any of that chauffeuring and whatever else, right? She can always tell that woman NO, but because she’s afraid of confrontation or hurting feelings, she’s doing all those tasks, which is actively a personal choice that your friend is making and can’t really complain about if she feels too bad about stopping.

I have a question — do you believe that true friends should respect each others boundaries? Do you believe that one friend should be able to say “no” and it’s not the end of the world or the end of the friendship entirely? Because that’s what I believe. In my opinion, anon, you should be telling your friend to stop trying to help that woman rather than taking on her problems. There IS a solution— go back to the grandparents and save. She does not want to do that. So wash your hands. This is so very much not your friend’s problem, let alone yours. I get that you’re trying to help but that woman needs to help herself and that’s the end of it.

If I were your friend I would either stand up for myself or stop talking about it entirely. Stop going out of your way to find excess solutions for a woman who doesn’t want them. I’m sure you and your friend have your own shit to deal with.

[Iron_Man]

Help her find a roommate she could use the money but find a good roommate a Christian

[Asker]

We have tried, but she keeps refusing

[Iron_Man]

Well, when she gets desperate enough, then she’ll rethink things. But her bills are on the clock.

[Asker]

She’s always very desperate for somebody to drive her to and from work, but my friend and I have suggested that she should move back in with her grandparents or her mom so she could save enough money to get a decently used car. That’s not too expensive but she keeps refusing to help.

[Iron_Man]

Well, try the roommate deal that’s her last option. Or either that find a better paying job.

[DryGermanGuy]

Gift her a nice bicycle. So she can get to work and save on gym costs.