Is my point valid for refusing to donate a kidney if my brother were a drug addict sibling?

[Anonymous]

My mother's aunt is struggling with her first, oldest child. He was a drug addict and is now a 50ish year-old man on dialysis. His mom takes care of him and he hasn't worked for years. My father thinks either his mother or his 4 siblings should've already donated a kidney. I agree with the mother part but not with the siblings risking their lives for a drug addict.

My father thinks a sibling should donate out of principles regardless of them being drug addicts. I disagreed. He said then stated it can even be for my son. I feel that's different. I would donate for my son (I'm now a mother) regardless of the reason, not for my brother. He thinks it's the same. No it's not the same; a brother and a son is different. I have no obligation if my brother (an adult) makes bad choices in life. I feel responsible for my son no matter what. I never want to bury my child. Isn't my point valid too?

I think that man's 4 siblings are within their rights to refuse and choice what they want to do with their bodies. It's not their obligation to save their older brother from unhealthy, destructive path. What do you think?

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I see two routes possible. Either you want to control what someone does with what you sacrificed for them or you don't try to control the results of what you sacrificed.

It's like money you give, or not give, to the guy sitting in the streets. Some people don't give money because they want to control the results, they want the guy to use that money for a result that satisfies them. Result takes priority over gesture.

Some other people give money and don't manage the results, thinking that whatever the guy will do with that money is his business, not theirs. Gesture takes priority over result.

In the case of transplant, and when it is family, what's at stake is much greater, physically and morally, than the beggar example though. I wouldn't wish to have to make that choice...

[Anonymous]

Its one of those things. But by announcing this you are telling any siblings that if they need future help that you won't be there so will be inclined not to be there for you.

Reminds me of my sister who would always take and take from the rest of the family but when asked to give would never. When her new born was on dialysis I spent a fortune on fuel running her and her son to the hospital for care and one day as I had work and needed a shower and lived far away and wouldn't have time i asked to use her shower. She said no and would let me waste her electric.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing your story but I think that's different. That man (my mom's cousin) got himself into that S
situation by destroying his kidney, destroying his life. No one told him to get into drugs nor smoke heavily. Those are bad choices he made. No sibling is going to be ok with undergoing a high risk, major surgery for a drug addict, free loader. I wouldn't.

[NoDecision]

I agree with you. He made choices and we all have to live with those consequences of the choices we made. Besides, even if given a new kidney, he would just fudge that one up too unless he could reform, which I doubt he will. So don't feel bad. Let some other relative do it since they all look down on you.

[Coercion_Is_Trauma]

This is exactly what i was about to write, except, fuck your 3 words "he made choices". Fuck this ignorance. That's not how the fuck mental illness works. He did not. And that's exactly why he will destroy the next kidney too. Because he never chose to be an addict. I can see that you too didn't choose to be this insensitive.

The only choices he had was to pick one of different ways of destruction. It is just like, molested people can only choose between becoming molesters themselves or equally sick other addictions like being ultra religious sick nuts. Often oscillating the two. Drug addicts live in dirty homes because they too oscillate, they either get depressed and let their homes rot, or they take drugs that kill kidneys but stay productive. And then they do both of these "choices" anyway.

The asker's brother was fucked in the head in early or late childhood, or both. The drugs are a cope to keep the closet of pain from bursting open. Take away the drugs and he will be a workaholic, a pervert, a religious lunatic, or any number of things. I know that you are brainwashed that religious cope is good cope. It is probably news to you, but the only reason religion helps not be a drug addict is because it in itself is another addiction that performs the same function of keeping the childhood abuse closet from bursting open, and in doing so, ensures that the deep seated pain is never removed, and automatically unconsciously passes it onto others.

[NoDecision]

@Coercion_Is_Trauma I don't think he was mentally ill. He was simply a drug addict. And you know what the ending of drug addiction brings from all the stars that die from overdoses. You see one every night on the news. And yes! It is a choice we make, same as with booze. You just have to change your choices and get help. They have lots of programs available to curb addictions, whether drugs, alcohol, and even sex. The problem being a lot of people don't believe they have a problem, so they don't seek help. And how does that work out for them in the end? I think you need help with anger management as your post clearly shows anger. A lot of people will block you for that. So cool it please. 😕

[Coercion_Is_Trauma]

All drug addicts are mentally ill. All perverts are mentally ill. All assholes are mentally ill. Anyone whose parents did a shit job, who left them to be abused by other people, are mentally ill. Having mommy and daddy issues is mental illness. It is never an excuse for the crap behavior but it is an important part of the explanation. A lot of people function nicely while drinking and smoking. They are still mentally ill because if they stopped the drinking and smoking then their pain would surface. In other words it is their religion/cope. Everyone who copes with any form of stress is mentally ill, coping by definition produces mental illness as it normalizes sickness by stopping pain when horrible things happen. I am not angry, I'm just a terrifying doormat, but don't think that I'm a secular woke clown with all this empathetic talk, i know that empathy is not a fucking virtue. The mere use of the word "empathy" implies the sickness of detaching from morality. Empathy has no place where morality exists because moral people already feel sacred sorrow whenever suffering is witnessed, not as a virtue but to stay sane.

The only choice we make is the shape and form of the torment. Isn't it known that people drink to suppress their emotional issues? Drugs are the same. And if you choose a form of cope that doesn't involve toxic substances, like gym or religion or some hateful misandry/misogyny stuff, then the body still manufactures some sort of terminal illness. Plus once your body clings to that kind of stuff then swinging the opposite way never works anyway (e. g. white knights true colors is misogynistic hell) all about child abuse, and until one directs all focus on it they're swapping one cope for another until terminal illness is the last cope remaining. You cannot willpower your way out of trauma. Willpower is cowardice when used to numb pain.

[Asker]

@Coercion_Is_Trauma
It's my mother's cousin that's the drug addict. My mother's aunt (my great-aunt) is the one suffering, taking care of her son. My father was saying that if his brother was in that position he would donate his kidney and I disagreed with his position. I wouldn't donate any of my organ if my brother were a drug addict.

[Asker]

My mother also disagreed with my father's view. Besides yeah, even if they donated him it would be a waste of time. That man doesn't seem like he cares about his life.

[Screenwriter]

It's sad he's destroyed his kidney, but you have no obligation to give up yours. And the point is, you might need both of them later in life. It's a risky choice. Even to do for your son. You have no idea how your health will turn out 25 years from now.

Keep your organs.

[Asker]

Exactly. I need my organs. I would understand if my brother had a sudden illness out of nowhere and needed a transplant. Though if that is risky too because what my son needed my help and I wasted my organ on my brother, then I wouldn't be able to do anything more for my child. My child still comes first.

[OlderAndWiser]

I have a cousin who smoked two packs per day. He is now in his late 60's and has had two major strokes. I feel a little bit of compassion for him facing a life-ending condition but I don't have much empathy for people who have knowingly engaged in such unhealthy behaviors.

[NoDecision]

Smoking long term puts a lot of junk in your lungs, and prevents oxygen from getting to your brain because all the lobes of your lungs get clogged. That can lead to Alzheimer's. My grandmother was a smoker since she was 18 and she died of Alzheimer's, even though she quit smoking. The damage had already been done.

[AngryCarl3]

Totally valid. Those freeloaders wouldn't get a single organ from me. Anyway kidney transplants are unethical.

[NoDecision]

Why unethical? Do you think the same for lung transplants? Most transplants come from donors who died in auto accidents, so wasting their organs would be a waste. They couldn't help in life, but they could in death.

[Asker]

This exactly. That man's siblings really have no obligation to donate their organs. I really fail to understand my father's logic in that.

[Anonymous]

One thing that has to be taken into consideration is how reliable and responsible the person will be with the followup medical care they will need after the kidney transplant. The person needs to be on anti-rejection medication for the rest of their life and they need continual monitoring.

[slatyb]

I agree with you. Kidney donation has some risk. He will likely continue his unhealthy lifestyle.

[Asker]

Yeah it's not an easy surgery. That's a high risk one.