Is it shallow of me to want a cute guy?

Question

I have a history of dating guys that are decidedly not on the upper end of the attractiveness scale. They're smart, they're funny, they're nice and all that, but I'm not ever physically attracted enough to them to really be passionate. I feel bad about it, but it's something that I feel should be kind of important. I feel like I'm missing out by settling for people who really don't quite trip my trigger as it were. This isn't saying that I really want to sacrifice a great personality for a better face, however... I guess I'm just hoping that they coexist.

I guess the reason I end up with not-so-cute guys is that they're usually nicer or at least more humble than really cute ones, plus there are fewer other girls fighting for attention...

Anyway, I hooked up with a real cutie over the past few weeks, and although I can't have him, it really made me feel like I should start placing more importance on physical appearance - I haven't felt that much raw attraction to anyone since... well... ever, maybe.

What do you all think? How important is physical attractiveness to you when looking for a partner?

hisangel · Accepted Answer

There is a difference between wanting to be with someone because they are physical attractive and wanting to be with someone who you find attractive.

There are people who just date for looks. They like the status an attractive person gives them so they look specifically for who is attractive according to other people's standards. Like a person who only dates people who are rich.

But what you seem to be saying is, you aren't attracted to the people you are with. That is a huge difference! Attraction really isn't looks alone. The man I with now isn't as physically attractive as the guys I have dated in the past. He is good looking but not as much as other boyfriends but Lord have mercy he is the sexist! I am UNCONTROLLABLE attracted to him. He sends chills up my spine just thinking about him. When we meet he wasn't my type at all but there was just something about him that I couldn't get out of my head! And now I don't think there is a better looking man on the planet! All I ever think is "God, how can all these other people be satisfied with such ugly people compared to him?" That's attraction.

And I think it's completely necessary in a relationship. Attraction can grow in time but if it never comes it is going to be a problem in a relationship. There are billions of other men on the planet and if you aren't attracted to the person you are with, how hard do you think it will be to remain faithful if every time you turn around you are feeling things for guys who aren't him? If you are always feeling strong urges for other men you will always feel like there is something missing in the relationship.

You need to be attracted to the guys you are with because that's what a romantic relationship is about! He isn't your friend or brother or cousin where they are just fun guys to be around so you hang around them. Someone you are dating is someone you are going to be doing physical things with at some point. If you don't have any desire to do that, then you are just hanging out with a good friend. Not being intimate with a lover.

And by the way, I love the Labyrinth reference on your page. ;)

Tamikaze · Accepted Answer

No, there is nothing wrong with you wanting a guy who floats your boat. Guys have more trouble than girls trying to ignore that they have no physical attraction to a girl, so they tend to not do it. I mean, if you cannot "rise" to the occasion in the bedroom, what is the point of dating the girl.

As you pointed out, if you are with someone you cannot be passionate with, again, what is the point? It's great to value all sorts of other qualities but, yes, physical attractiveness is important. Luckily who I think is good looking and who you think is good looking varies so it's not like we are talking about everyone wanting to date a handful of guys. And it is on a scale. I don't need a Brad Pitt to be happy, far from it. But if the guy completely turns me off physically, I would be doing him no favor dating him.

ThatNikkiGirl · Accepted Answer

It's all about balance.

When deciding about whether to go out with someone, I always use two factors: personality and looks. I ask myself: Is this a face I'm going to like for a long time? Is this a guy I can by myself with? etc;

I imagine people want to be liked for both looks and personality too.

Ladies and gentlemen who complain about how others only care about looks probably wish to be liked also for their looks too.

I know for myself, I want a guy who will like me for both my looks because I've worked hard to get down to a size I like and my personality because I'm so unique. :3

TServo · Accepted Answer

Look, this is a really complicated issue when it comes to dating. But your in luck: It doesn't necassarily make you shallow. We all have personal prefrences, and we are attracted to who we're attracted to, right? Physical appearence is, essentially, the first thing everyone thinks of. But, you have to remember that "Cute" is a matter of opinion. I like to think I'm pretty cute, but I've accepted the fact that not everyone would agree with me. Which is fine.

However, it would make you shallow for you to base your entire relationship with a guy on just the fact that he's cute. If he treats you like sh*t, and your entire argument for being with him is, "But he's so CUTE!" then your a stereotype straight out of a John Hughes film. Cause if you don't make sure he's got all the other qualities a real man needs, (thought, integrety, patience, sense of humor, yaddayaddayadda,) then your SOL.

Now, don't worry, I can't possibly think that's the way you do things. I'm just giving you the lowdown on what being that type of shallow is. And it rarely exists.

So, no, your not shallow for being visually inticed first when you meet a guy. My only advice to you is, try to recognize that beauty is only skin deep, but the connection you make with another person goes down to the bone, and just try to keep a wide idea about what your definition of "Cute" really is, if you really don't want to be shallow. And I know you don't want to be.

J_D_H · Accepted Answer

On its face it's not shallow, as there obviously needs to be attraction for it to work. But, as with everything in life, there needs to be balance. Nobody is perfect. A good rule of thumb is "overall, am I attracted to him?" If you answer yes, then, you should be good.

It is interesting however that you state the "not-so-cute" guys are usually ones which are "nicer" or more humble. There really shouldn't be a correlation here... you should be able to find nice guys that are cute as well (although, I suppose that does increase the likelihood that they are taken). Make sure you are clear on what you define as "cute." It may be the case that you find guys who are not as nice as having "cute", and well, then, you're just confused.

Don_Garb · Answer

Everybody wants an attractive partner. I say that we all enter the pool from the shallow end first. But don't think that good looking guys are anything like guys who have to develop a sense of humor and nice guy personalities. Good looking guys are a completely different animal, you better toughen up because you will find that they can be very hurtful and cruel.

Ask your girlfriends to tell you their hot guy stories. Go out with your girl friends when you're on the hunt for one, and watch out for each other. My advice is to try and bed the most gorgeous guys you can, knowing that it will not last long. After a few episodes you will adjust and head more towards the middle.

NMMan · Answer

I agree with you 100%, in fact I was thinking about this very concept all this past weekend after a blind first date that I had. Very nice girl, and conversationally we clicked on several levels...but the physical attraction just wasn't there for me in any way, shape or form. And like you mentioned, that's something that I need as part of the dating equation in my life too. In the long run, I feel that it's much worse to date someone you're not attracted to (while potentially leading them on), than it is to be honest about your feelings and date other people instead.

JustsomeDude · Answer

Don't over think it.  Physical attraction and a physical relationship is necessary for keeping the strength of a relationship as a whole.  Desiring someone you are attracted to is not shallow.  Clearly, as people have said, have the best of both worlds.  This may take time and patience to find, but you will eventually find someone that "trips the trigger" and also opens car doors for you.

Anonymous · Answer

Well if you want to go ahead. Girls can do this. If a guy said this, he would be roasted alive and girls would say he is a jerk. If you want a typical dumb jock who looks like edward cullen go ahead. Just remember looks fade. So if you make it with one of your dream boys, he might just end up looking like those guys who aren't that attractive in 10 15 years if you want a long term relationship. As for me, I feel bad I have to settle, but since I am a not so attractive guy, I will have to go for someone not attractive and hope I grow to love them.

Anonymous · Answer

When you are younger physcial attractiveness if more important, but it is a short term thing their is more to a relationship than physical attraction, their is mental attraction, personality etc. Depends on what you are looking for, every one wants someone who is cute or disirable, and everyone has different tastes and desires. So long as they are as close to what you find attractive and the most attractive that you can get given your appearance and desirability then great. It also depends on short term or long term relationships. The problem is the cuiter they are the more interest they get from the opposite sex, more likely to cheat, more opportunity etc

Also as you get older physical attraction is not so important other things like money ability to provide become more important...

Anonymous · Answer

No its not shallow. Chemistry and physical attraction is a big part of relationships. Most guys are the same way, I don't know too many guys that would be all that excited to go out with a girl they aren't attracted to, so don't feel bad for being human.

Not so good looking guys have to be more humble because they can't rely on their looks and physical attraction to get girls.

For me, I have been in situations where a guy was nice and sweet and liked me but he just wasn't attractive. I think people like that can make good friends, but I will only date a guy that is cute. Doesn't have to be perfect but there has to be some attraction and I have to like looking at him.

tex151 · Answer

I only date hot chicks, now I have slept with some not so hot chicks, drunken hook up type of situations, but dating I only date hot chicks.  The reason is because well I am attractive guy and I want a hot chick.  The way see it is, if your attractive why not have an attractive partner.

Reeses-pieces777 · Answer

it's just your wanting to have a guy who has good looks. everyone has different desires in the opposite sex and yours happens to be looks and maybe a few other things. If it is all about looks only, yes that is shallow but if you're willing to give a good guy a chance and he might not be the hottest guy, then that isn't shallow. I have dated too many good looking guys with sh*tty personalities so I would rather go with a good looking but not the hottest guy with a great personality.

sexytsigurl · Answer

I have a long list of qualities. Some people have called me picky, but some have said it's good to know what you want. I base things off of appearance and personality. I think the person needs to be with someone they are physically attracted to as well as emotionally and blah blah. I also have met someone where some of the things on the list, I over look on him. I think it just really depends on the person.

martyfellow · Answer

You can't help your feelings, so don't feel guilty about them. Physical attraciveness is in the eye of the beholder, after all.

Wait for someone who really moves you. Don't think you'll really like someone just because they look like a movie star. Often such guys are shallow and selfish, or gay, or all three.

Thiezz · Answer

I think if you're going to be in a relationship you may as well try and find a partner that you find attractive. I wouldn't date someone like this     even if she had a great personality...

artsaffron · Answer

It is SO important. It's not you being shallow, its you being satisfied. Your not being fair to the nice guys you date that ur not attracted to or yourself. Don't feel like ur doing them a service or like you have to atone for the worlds shallowness. You don't. This is your life and you should be happy, especially with the people you choose to love.

Anonymous · Answer

Yeah I think good looking guy, good personality can co-exist but they are few and far between. I think that there is nothing wrong with seeing what its like to be with someone very attractive. But you sound like a nice non shallow person so I think you will end up with someone average looks great personality. The pretty boys get boring very quick, but  that crazy lust feeling can get addictive so beware!

GIntrovert · Answer

I would date someone who is cute, but if there personality isn't what I want, then it's not going to go anywhere... I don't see why you can't do the same..

The_Box · Answer

Yeah, it's shallow. But does that even matter? As others have said, it's normal. In fact, being with someone who doesn't fulfill your shallow desires is unfair to the other person.

bytesunfish · Answer

Like I answered on the poll... It's just the icing on the cake. Cute girls are nice to look at but the nice ones are the ones that you'll actually enjoy for more than just the first glance or two.

Rahim517 · Answer

Not shallow at all.  You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone who you don't find sexy.  Goal is to balance animal attraction with compatibility.  Tough to do.

brunohusker · Answer

No, but your'e a girl so it's okay. If guy's are shallow it's bad and thus proves why guys are pigs. For girls it's okay because "they're just picky" or "they want the right guy"

ZenSpace · Answer

That is a personal choice, only you can know what you want.

No one on this board can help you with this decision. Just study your life and find if you are happy with the kind of guys you are with now, or not. Then you'll have your answer.

bambamcam73 · Answer

Well in most cases there does have to be some attraction or the relationship will never work. But that's just most cases, you may become more attracted to someone due to their personality.

You should never feel like you are settling, you will never last in a relationship if you feel that way!

Anonymous · Answer

Yeah, it's shallow to want a cute guy. But guess what, it's totally okay to be a bit shallow. Everybody are more or less shallow anyways.

Just listen to yourself deep down and you will know when you have found what you want.

jjf481993 · Answer

I ask myself that question a lot. I've come to the conclusion that it's not shallow. It's the same thing as looking for a funny or nice person. It's just another standard.

abandofmilk · Answer

That's normal. Guys are more like that than girls are, in fact I think guys would like it (The supposively cute ones) if girls just hang around them JUST for their physical apperance, not searching for anything else...hows that for shallow?

chiefnavarro · Answer

is it shallow to want a girl that hasn't been f***ed by to many men

Kass1964 · Answer

It's not shallow. It's shallow if you'll only get with cute guys.

Anonymous · Answer

you are rare. keep doing what you are doing.  you give hope to the rest of us.

Is it shallow of me to want a cute guy?

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