Jeff was my first love- I’d known him since grade one when he teased me about not liking pizza, made me cry and bought me a cookie to make up for it. We grew up in the same neighbourhood, went to the same high school and kept track of each other while traveling in different crowds. Near the end of grade eleven, Jeff started dating a close friend of mine and we ended up spending a lot more time together. The fun-loving, sweet boy I knew back in elementary school was now a cute, confident, driven guy- but still fun and sweet. We became close while he fell hard for my friend and when she moved away to university and ended things, she broke his heart. Now sharing a lot of the same friends, we hung out a lot and the close friendship developed into something more.
We never really defined it, never really talked about it, but suddenly Jeff and I were more than just friends. He bought me dinner, I took him out on a special birthday outing. He brought me snacks to work, I took him soup when he was sick. Most weekends found us out together somewhere, with friends or alone, and they always ended with us cuddled up together before he drove me home. I always called him to tell him I got home ok from work, he called me while he was away on team trips. I have no idea how many times we fell asleep together or woke up in each other’s arms. We were about as together as any two people can be without actually dating and, despite our non-status, I was in love for the first time. I was happy and I never really considered the possibility that things might change- at least not the way they eventually did.
One day, Jeff started to become distant. He didn’t call as much, had less time to talk, and we rarely hung out together alone anymore. His affectionate hugs, hand holding, and kisses stopped and he started to treat me like the platonic friend I once was. I was confused, but the message was being received loud and clear: whatever we had was over. So, I accepted what was happening, went on with my life and remained casual friends with Jeff. A few months later he met Ashley and began a two year-long relationship with her. I was happy for him, glad he’d found someone to make him happy and I genuinely liked her. I met and dated other guys, although none of them lasted very long, and sometimes when I hugged Jeff or he gave me his cute teasing grin, I still felt that old intimacy between us. When he broke up with Ashley I caught myself wondering if maybe we could start things over, truly be together this time. I realized that even though time had passed and I’d met other people, I still loved Jeff.
But we didn’t see each other very often and didn’t really know one another anymore. I knew the bare bones about his life and he knew the same about mine. Even as little as I knew, I began to see that as much as I still liked and respected Jeff, he wasn’t the right person for me or what now, four years after I fell for him, I knew I wanted in a guy.
Jeff was my first love, the first guy I ever truly fell so hard for the rest of the world disappeared. I will always remember him that way, and for his sunny smiles and his sweet nature, but once I acknowledged that he wasn’t the right guy for me, I knew it was time to let go. It was hard, to truly let go of the idea of us someday together, to stop thinking of him as the ideal to which I held up all other guys I met. I never expected things to turn out that way and never wanted life to change. But the changes are what make you wise, and let you realize that letting go is a part of life just as surely as love is.
We never really defined it, never really talked about it, but suddenly Jeff and I were more than just friends. He bought me dinner, I took him out on a special birthday outing. He brought me snacks to work, I took him soup when he was sick. Most weekends found us out together somewhere, with friends or alone, and they always ended with us cuddled up together before he drove me home. I always called him to tell him I got home ok from work, he called me while he was away on team trips. I have no idea how many times we fell asleep together or woke up in each other’s arms. We were about as together as any two people can be without actually dating and, despite our non-status, I was in love for the first time. I was happy and I never really considered the possibility that things might change- at least not the way they eventually did.
One day, Jeff started to become distant. He didn’t call as much, had less time to talk, and we rarely hung out together alone anymore. His affectionate hugs, hand holding, and kisses stopped and he started to treat me like the platonic friend I once was. I was confused, but the message was being received loud and clear: whatever we had was over. So, I accepted what was happening, went on with my life and remained casual friends with Jeff. A few months later he met Ashley and began a two year-long relationship with her. I was happy for him, glad he’d found someone to make him happy and I genuinely liked her. I met and dated other guys, although none of them lasted very long, and sometimes when I hugged Jeff or he gave me his cute teasing grin, I still felt that old intimacy between us. When he broke up with Ashley I caught myself wondering if maybe we could start things over, truly be together this time. I realized that even though time had passed and I’d met other people, I still loved Jeff.
But we didn’t see each other very often and didn’t really know one another anymore. I knew the bare bones about his life and he knew the same about mine. Even as little as I knew, I began to see that as much as I still liked and respected Jeff, he wasn’t the right person for me or what now, four years after I fell for him, I knew I wanted in a guy.
Jeff was my first love, the first guy I ever truly fell so hard for the rest of the world disappeared. I will always remember him that way, and for his sunny smiles and his sweet nature, but once I acknowledged that he wasn’t the right guy for me, I knew it was time to let go. It was hard, to truly let go of the idea of us someday together, to stop thinking of him as the ideal to which I held up all other guys I met. I never expected things to turn out that way and never wanted life to change. But the changes are what make you wise, and let you realize that letting go is a part of life just as surely as love is.
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