How do you deal with an inappropriate crush from a minor?

[Quackpotty]

A few years back I was staying with a family for about a month, but unfortunately one of the girls developed a crush on me . I was twenty at the time, and she was fourteen . I hadn't done anything to encourage it, but she still developed this crush . How do I deal with that without hurting her ?

[sweetmisery14]

Haha wow this sounds so strangely familiar. When I was 14 I was in a situation like this girl you're talking about. EXCEPT, the guy did do things to encourage it, like holding hands and hugging and very out of the ordinary gestures of affection.

i can't say what is the right thing to do. Because in my situation, I told the person how I felt and told him I didn't expect anything but was just honest because we were good friends and then he promptly ignored me for the rest of my life. It still crushes me.

I can't say ignoring is a good nor bad way to go. Ignoring her would definitely encourage her to forget and move on. BUT depending on how mature she is, maintaining a pleasant composure would be just as fine. As long as you're not overly friendly and what not.

i think there just needs to be a balance between not being too friendly and being pleasant enough. Haha. If that isn't confusing enough.

[Quackpotty]

OUCH! I'm sorry about that. I was told to ignore her, and I saw how it hurt her. I regret that VERY much, as I don't like hurting anyone or seeing someone hurting. If it is any consolation to someone that's experienced that, I hurt from doing it still to this day, almost four years later.

Er, yeah, that can be confusing. Finding that balance is tough for me because I try to treat everyone the same as I normally do. The only times that changes is romantic interest or active hatred -it's very rare.

[thatswhatyourmomsaid]

Wow- that's a question for me because I totally had that happen to me when I was 17- crushed HARD on my 30 year old teacher . Sigh .

hmm . Mine just faded with time . But that was really painful to me .

if I were you, I'd offer friendship . (girls that age ESPECIALLY at 14, aren't mature enough to discern love from friendship), so either way she'll be satisfied,and you'll be happy cos you won't be thrown in jail ^ ^ .

just, even at 17, I feel I would've gotten closer/ would've been happy if I just got friendship from him, let alone if I were 14 .

so . Hope that helps ?

be her friend, and once she trusts you, get her to realize it could never work .

[Quackpotty]

Yeah, I haven't actually seen this girl since then. I was with a group of about ten staying with this family and doing charity type work in their community. I was told by the group leader to distance myself from this girl for the last week, but I saw how much it hurt her to do that. She was confused by my change as I had been friendly until then (perhaps why she liked me? ) I am just wondering if there was something better I could have done. Thanks for the answer!

[thatswhatyourmomsaid]

Yeah well I guess no use crying over spilled milk;

but hey, if someone else is telling you to stay away it was really smart to do so!

[the-love-guru]

As an adult, you have to do the uncomfortable thing and talk to her about how her feelings are natural, but that any flirtation would stumble into the grey area of inappropriate behavior.

I work with junior highers, and I've had a few boys that I've had to speak with about appropriate behavior, and even one I had to switch from my class because he kissed me (one the neck.) No worries, I reported it immediately and luckily we never heard anything from the parents. You can't take any chances- in an age where kids can cry wolf, and adult-child relationships are smeared across the news, you have to cover your tail.

[Quackpotty]

Good answer! Fortunately, there was someone there who noticed it and pointed the crush out to me (I was and likely still am fairly clueless) so that it could be dealt with. After it was, nothing further happened on my part to encourage it (I had been friendly with the girl, like chatting to her and her friends and that may have encouraged something) so it all worked out in the end.

[RoseBud]

I as a young girl I had a few crushes,and I don't think I ever expected anything out of it , it's just a crush . But one time that crush made a move on me and I was freaked out by it and never wanted to be around him again . So I say let her grow out of it . Or if she makes it known to you that she wants to be with you or makes a move,Let her know hey you are too young for me and I can get in big trouble from even thinking of you in that way . She will be fine . But the best way if she does not make moves on you is to let her grow out of it .

[Quackpotty]

Thanks. Was the crush you mentioned one of these crushes? Sorry if that isn't a good memory. I know that by now she won't have that crush on me (almost four years ago) but I hate to say that I hurt her by distancing myself. Is there a better way to act around her, as I still had to live in the house she was in? I regret what I did back then.

[Bduffman1234]

Do you Want to go to jail, look your not a celebrity so wait until she is 18, I think Woody Allen married his step daughter and Jerry Lewis married his cousin, if we were living in Ancient Greece go right ahead do whatever, but unfortunately we have laws and reminder being a terrorist watch list is bad but you do not want to be on sex offender list

[Quackpotty]

Good points, but this question was asked on the need to know what I should do to stop her crush from getting any further. Besides, six years is FAR too much for me to deal with in an age gap. I really do NOT want anything further with this girl, which is why I want these sorts of things to stop. THAT's why I asked this question. The bastard that answered a little below here is the one that needs the sex-offender list and the jail term. Disgusting answer from him. I've reported it numerous times.

[Bduffman1234]

INSTRUCTIONS: do not apply to face or eyes, if you swallow call the poison control office at 1800.

don't do anything meaning do not contact her on myspace or AIM or call her. Speak to her only in the presence of another adult.

[Quackpotty]

Lol. No, I haven't seen/contacted her in a little over four years, when she had the crush, in other words. At the time, I was with a group, and the leader instructed me to avoid all contact with her. I regret doing it quite as harshly as that as it did hurt her. What I was wondering was how do I stop the crush without crushing her at the same time. I doubt I'd ever contact her again, anyway. What also happens if another girl comes along and gets a crush? What do I do then?

[Bduffman1234]

Just remember grass hopper do not give in to your impulses

[Quackpotty]

That is, to put it lightly, a disgusting thought. I would NEVER do that. She was a minor, and I was an adult (20, but it's still legally an adult). There is something very wrong with someone that would even think about that. At the time, my only impulse was to run, and to carry on running after that. Is there a way to stop girls from having these crushes on me in the first place, or to deal with it without hurting her feelings? THAT's what I want to know. THAT's what is important here.

[Bduffman1234]

Ah like some things in life love, crushes, getting drunk on a boring day are things you cannot control. So there are certain ways you handle things, and like most women who are done using the restroom, you must wash your hands, and as the Frogs say cest la vie

[archer86]

As long as she is not being aggressive enough, just let the flame die out . But if she is actively trying to make something happen with you, drop the bomb on her . Make sure the war is over dude and leave no survivors in something like this . Better to break her heart than to have you in jail or worse .

[Quackpotty]

I can agree with that. I don't think I'll do so quite so aggressively as that if it happens again (haven't seen her in four years) but thanks.

[nothing2thkof]

Honestly I think you should have sat her down and explained to her, that you were too old for her and that their were plenty of nice boys her age out there who would have found her interesting.



but hey dude it;s ok my older bro had that problem when my friends crushed on him big time in middle schools. Girls that age don't really think much about "age" all they see is cuteness. Don't worry.

[Quackpotty]

Your older brother(s) were REALLY popular, weren't they? Ouch. To have a friend crushing on a sibling would be hard. Got a brother and sister myself, so I can begin to imagine. Surprisingly, most of the answerers have said avoid to confrontation unless she makes advances at me.

Is a girl really ready for a relationship at the age of fourteen? Most guys that age can't be ready. Anyhoo, beside the point. Do they even really want a relationship at that age? Or just 'cuteness?'

[nothing2thkof]

Yes sadly my older bros were...lol but I learned to deal... but at 14 one is more then ready... and what I mean by ready is the little cute dates and holding hands nothing serious like kissing and stuff like that. and they want the cuteness

[Quackpotty]

I suppose I can see that. So it's more just a thing of learning to be close friends with the guy you like rather than to have a heart-wrenching relationship? That is a relief. This girl was starting to really worry me back then. I would NEVER have allowed it to go onto something more than chatting about innocuous things but she seemed to be trying to get more out of me than just being friends. It made me really uncomfortable to be around her. Unwanted attention, yet no desire 2 hurt her feelings.

[ashleakate]

I wouldn't worry about it to much. When I was 14, crushes came and went weekly. That's how it is for most girls at that age. Do you see her often though? Because the more you see her, the worse her crush will get, or it will just persist. But don't ignore her. Act normal around her because either way, the crush will fade.

[Quackpotty]

Not seen her in almost four years, but I'm wondering just in case there is a future time that another girl comes along with a crush. Unfortunately, I was told by the group leader that I was with (also the one to inform me of the crush - I'd just heard that she had a crush on someone) to avoid her so that she stops. I think I really hurt her, and I really regret that. I don't know how acting normal would have worked as she was starting to do things that, in light of the crush, were inapropriate.

[ashleakate]

In most cases acting normal would be the best thing to do so you don't hurt her. But it sounds like you don't see her very often. Maybe by the next time you see her she will have passed that stage. If she's 14 then she will understand that nothing would ever come out of this and if you hurt her, it won't last for long as she should be able to understand why. But I guess that would depend on her maturity level really.

[ashleakate]

Ahh. Sorry, this was 4 years ago? Well in that case, hopefully she will now understand why you did that and that her crush was pretty inappropriate. Hopefully it won't happen again with another girl. If it ever did I would advise talking to the girl that had a crush on you and tell her that it wasn't very appropriate and that your sorry but that couldn't happen. It may hurt her, but it would be the best thing to do as it would clear the air and she would understand what you had said.

[Quackpotty]

Surprising answers. Most people (besides the sick bastard at the bottom) have said that I should avoid confrontation unless she acts on her feelings. As far as maturity goes, she acted like she wanted to be seen as older than she was. I just treated her as I do everyone - as I see it, but I do try to be nice. I also hope that something like this doesn't happen again. I don't want to see hurt like that in anyone's eyes if I can avoid it, which is why I asked this question. How do I stop advances?

[ashleakate]

I think the best way to do that would be trying to avoid time when you are 100% alone with her and there is no chance of anyone coming into the room, because that is the most probable time that she would make her advance.

Also, when girls try to act older than their age, it usually tends to mean that they are not really as mature as they try to imply, as they are trying to change themselves into something they can't be, believing that this could make you like them.

[Quackpotty]

It was actually making me think that she was annoying. By advances, I mean things like flirting (as much as a fourteen year old can) and she would step Deliberately into a passage that I was going down and stay there stubbornly so that I'd have to move her to get past. Was that just so that I touch her? I generally avoid touching anyone I'm not really close to. On occasions that I did (non-suggestively, like bumping against her by mistake) she'd get this terrifying grin/blush on her face. Aargh!

[ashleakate]

Sounds like she really went of her way? Its just a young girl's crush, though, so she will use childish thing like standing in you way just so you have to move her out the way. That probably was just so you had to touch her. Any kind of contact with her will have made her feel like she was getting attention from you. But now she's older, she will look back on that and probably be pretty embarassed about it. I know I'm pretty embarassed about some of the thing I did at that age.

[Quackpotty]

Ditto. If there was any year of my life that I would erase from my life, that would be it. Very bad time for me when things scarred me for life - all the things I did, it just makes me want to stick my head in the sand. *shudder*

Is there any way to stop her embarrasment from even taking place (ie, stopping situations like this from taking place)?

[ashleakate]

I doubt it. I don't think its really anything you have done personally that makes a younger girl like you. I think it really does "just happen." And there is definitely no way you could stop the embarrassment of it, as they embarrassed by the things they thought, said and did, and as I said before, there's nothing that you can really do to stop that. I think the best thing to do is just handle it carefully if and when it does happen.

[Quackpotty]

I don't know if it was fortunate that I wasn't there when it would have become embarrassing to her. I mean, she must be 18 now, so surely that would have hit by now? I mean, honestly, how can you deal with something like that. I get embarrassed really easily about some things, mostly about stupid things I've done in the past. I still get really embarrassed about them. Can she get over that easily, or is it something that she'll blush over into her thirties? It was bad for both of us, I think.

[ashleakate]

I think that depends on her character. If she gets embarrassed easily then it could embarrass her for years to come. But if she doesn't get embarrassed as easily, then she will be embarrassed at first but that will fade and she will just see it as funny and accept it. Personally, I'm still embarrassed by some of the things I've done, but a lot I can laugh at now without feeling to embarrassed or ashamed.

[Quackpotty]

That's quite lucky. My face still burns when I think of almost all of the stupid things in my life that I've done or said. I sometimes take myself too seriously rather than joke around about it. I suppose that is improving now that I'm trying to laugh at myself more (I do have a sense of humor, weird though it be), but it's a slow process.

I can't really remember what her personality was like, but I think that she liked to laugh a lot, so maybe she'll be okay? Or was that her idea of flirting?

[ashleakate]

It could be either. If she laughed a lot in general then that would be her personality. But if it was directed more at you (when she had the crush on you) and no one else then it would probably have been flirting.

[Quackpotty]

Erm, okay, I see where you're going with this. So she was flirting. *blush* Is there a way that I can recognize it from younger girls in the future and a way o stop it from developing further?

BTW, some good news - the guy at the bottom that said "I say give the girl what she wants" had his question deleted. It only took my reporting its offensiveness every time I saw it to get that to happen. YAY!

[JeVousAime]

Personally, (as a girl who has experience with these sort of matters ! ), I really don't recommend confronting her about it - it will just lead to further embarrassment for you and the girl .

Let it run it's course . Nothing will happen I can almost assure you - just be friendly and act normal and as she grows older it will fade !

X

[Quackpotty]

Is it possible that my being friendly was the original cause of the crush? If so, how do I deal with it because the crush obviously would grow if I continue being friendly? Or would it?

Unfortunately I was told to distance myself and I really regret that as I saw that it hurt her when I suddenly started avoiding her. I don't want to cause her any pain, yet I did. Is there a way to turn that crush off? Can my acting like a bastard (I'm not) maybe help?

[JeVousAime]

No, no, no, no! Acting like a bastard will NOT help - she'll just grow to resent and despise you.

Come on... how often are you gonna see this girl? Being a little friendly won't hurt! Being horrible will.

Give the girl a chance to feel like she HAS a chance - she'll find someone who reciprocates her feelings and then she'll be over this little faze.

[Quackpotty]

I haven't seen her in about four years. I'm just asking to find out how I should have acted. I can see that acting bastard-ish would make her resent me.

Acting like she had a chance might not be a good thing. She was starting to act on her feelings slightly (e.g., stepping stubbornly into my path so that I'd Have to move her just so that I touch her. Touch means quite a bit to me, so I rarely touch anyone). I suppose friendliness won't hurt. Just not too much.

[luvswim27]

Whatever you do . DON'T CONFRONT HER . Don't say anything just let her grow out of it . If you confront her she'll deny it . Trust me I know . And you'll feel like an idiot and she'll be embarrassed that you know she likes you .

[Quackpotty]

Interesting answer. Have you read what 'thatswhatyourmomsaid' wrote? Two very different opinions, yet I can understand them both. I can definitely see why it would embarrass her to know I know. Unfortunately I was told to do something I regret when the leader of the group I was with found out (before me). I was told to distance myself - and I saw it hurt her. I really wish I'd done something better. I'd been friendly until then, so she was also confused. Regret is not fun.

[Anonymous]

That is hard but remember that she is young and while she may feel that you are the guy for her she will get over it and be glad she moved on in the end. Tell her how lucky the guy that has her some day will be but you are just not that guy. Be honest and caring.

[Quackpotty]

I agree, but I take it that this is if a confrontation takes place? Several people have said that I shouldn't confront her about her crush on me (if it happens again, as this was about four years ago). They've said I should rather let it run it's course and die out, so I take it that this is more if the girl is more determined in her intentions and has tried to make it more than just a crush?