How do I stand strong against a man who knows I can't resist him?

[Anonymous]

I have this friend who found out last summer while I was drunk that I just could not resist him. I fought the urge for 2 months to give into the temptations of messing around with him. Then once I gave in to him, that's all it took. Every since the first time we'd messed around, I couldn't stop, no matter what I tried. He would just look at me a certain way, smile at me a certain way, dress in a certain outfit, talk a certain way and I couldn't tell him no about anything.

We are really close friends. We've had some major fights and have went months without speaking or seeing each other and he's the one who contacted me every time to tell me he missed me and wanted to come see me. I did fall in love with him but I am no longer and I have moved on with another man. But my friend can still get me to give in to him about certain things and I just can't figure out how to stand strong against him and stay strong. He knows how I am pretty weak towards him. He knows I'd give him my last dollar if he needed it even if I needed it too.

Is he just preying on my kindness? Does he think I'm a pushover? What can I do to make him see that I am a strong woman who wants him to respect me more and stop leaning on me to help him out all the time with whatever? I mean he is awesome to hang out with MOST of the time. There have been times when I felt he only hangs out with me for what I can give him or if he is wanting to mess around. He hasn't always been that way with me though. When we first met, he and I bonded right away. It was an awesome feeling. It felt like we'd known each other forever. But the time has finally come for me to make him see that he has to stand on his own two feet and take care of himself and not use my kindness against me. Any advice on how to get ME to stand strong and not give in to him. We don't mess around anymore at all but we have this connection that is just so strong and I can't resist him. He's that way SOMETIMES with me though too but not like I am with him. I need help standing strong. I don't have that issue with any other man, why any ideas?

Thanks so much for all the advice in advance!

[Anonymous]

The only way to do it is to set a rule for yourself: I am not going to have sex with this guy.

Or whatever it is that you don't want to happen anymore.

You say that you want him to respect you more. I can understand that. But you can't make him think or feel a certain way. All you can do is distance yourself or set rules/boundaries for your own behavior. If you have boundaries defined for yourself in advance, then when you are with this guy, it will be a lot easier to stop yourself getting into a situation that you don't really want for yourself.

If you feel like your relationship has soured--that he does not respect you anymore and does only see you as someone who can give him things, then you know what the solution is. I just don't know you want to take that step: distancing yourself for good. You could try talking to him about how you feel, but if he doesn't seem to have a change of attitude, then either you will have to continue dealing with his attitude or you will have to end the friendship.

[Asker]

See, I know I have a good self esteem but low self respect. I'm sure maybe that could be the issue. I don't want to lose his friendship, but I also know that I want it to be an equal friendship. I have talked to him about how I feel about him with regards to me not being able to resist him. He says he doesn't expect me to do anything for him that I don't want. I mean he respects me almost all the time and has hell to pay when he doesn't respect me. I just can't get myself to remain strong with him

[Opinion Owner]

I understand your problem. I think we've all been there at one time or another! Problems like these usually solve themselves. After a while, you will get so sick of being treated badly that you will naturally step back from the friendship. Or he will realize that he needs to treat you better. The problem right now is that you are desperate not to lose his friendship, so you are doing things you don't like doing. But you are resentful about that. The only option is to deal or step away.

[Asker]

I agree with you definitely, I am desparate not to lose his friendship for many reasons. I am sick of being treated like this by him and I have called him out about it and he uses his sweet voice and convinces me that he's not mistreating me. I of course believe him too. lol

What a trap I have set for myself with him huh? I don't think I'm resentful about it, I am just wanting to finally be able to stand strong. He's not horrible to me as a friend, I just can't seem to say no to him sometimes

[jacquesvol]

"I am desparate not to lose his friendship for many reasons. I am sick of being treated like this by him "

A very weak starting point!

If you can't control yourself (and him) you'd better look at those plenty (male) fish in the sea...They really exist.

[Asker]

Jacquesvol~ yes indeed, I do know I'm very weak towards him. I am in a new relationship that has been evolving over the past 9 months now with a wonderful man who truly cares about me and he treats me as I deserve. I just have no clue why this ONE guy causes me to be so weak.

[jacquesvol]

You can also tell yourself that at 40 you're entitled to have sex when you like it and if you feel like it and with the person you like. You should not feel guilty about having a FWB. You're not 16 and you're independent.

[Anonymous]

Yeah you seem like a pushover no offense. I don't know how to tell you to stand strong. Maybe realize "Hey I am more important than this guy's games". You know he is probably preying on your kindness. Do you really want to be that weak woman that he doesn't respect? Think about YOUR needs and YOUR wants, not his. You have the power to control your actions. If he takes advantage of you that's because you're letting him. Look at the reasons why you could be letting this behavior go on. Do you feel like you need his approval? Do you like the attention? Get to the bottom of it.

[Asker]

Yeah I am a pushover no doubt with him. It is just him though and I don't know why he has that effect on me. I do know I'm more important than his games. I don't know why I'm this way with him. I'm trying to figure it out so I'm not weak to him anymore.

[jacquesvol]

"I don't know why he has that effect on me." He's manipulative and he can because he knows what triggers you, how he can manipulate you.

[Asker]

I can't picture only one guy being able to get those effects out of me though. He doesn't take all the time from the friendship. It sometimes just seems like it. I just can't seem to get the wording to sound correct.

[oldfashionedgal]

If he really is your friend, then he wouldn't be trying to manipulate you. Best to put this "friendship" to rest before you lose the guy you have now. Bottom line.

Ask for strength from whatever diety you believe in and you'll receive it. Plus you have all of us who've been there before sending you the strength we've used to get out of OUR situations.

[Asker]

I have officially ended the whole friendship with him as I just couldn't handle some more of the situations he was putting me through. I am planning on never turning back to him.

Thanks for your advice!

[jacquesvol]

(Age:36 to 45)

"while I was drunk that I just could not resist him"

"There have been times when I felt he only hangs out with me for what I can give him or if he is wanting to mess around. "

Do it on your terms:

Just stay away from him, don't drink or drink and enjoy yourself with him and throw him away once you've had your fun.

Use him the way he uses you:

Pick him up again the day, week or month you want sex ant dump him afterwards.

But, no, you're not a strong woman, thus you'll not do it on your terms...

[Asker]

I no longer drink thank goodness it wasn't a good thing for me. He and I no longer have sex together at all. We are just friends. I just can't figure out HOW to be strong towards him. Do guys sense when women are weak? Do some guys prey on that characteristic in women? I'm not weak to all men, honestly, it's just him. I don't know why either.

[jacquesvol]

"Do guys sense when women are weak? Do some guys prey on that characteristic in women?" Indeed. Womanizers, players look out for the tell tale signs a woman emits. Don't ask me which are the signs, I wouldn't know. Don't pay money for the books promising it. You might look at some sites like this (the name is revealing):

https://www.fullofhateandreadytodate.com/

[Asker]

Thank you for your answer!

[jacquesvol]

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes" ;)