Why is friends with benefits viewed so differently depending on who's doing it (guys or girls)?

Question

I like this girl. I showed interest and flirted with her. She was the one that showed interest first. Whenever I would flirt more intensely she would panic. I backed off a bit. 
I figured it out, that she might have a friends with benefits which is also her BFF. So I asked here on GaG if it's ok for her to somehow show interest in me, but to sleep with someone else on the side. Answers were mostly: you two are not together, she can do what she wants. Get exclusive and then you can be mad if she sleeps with others on the side. 

So I thought about it. Then it crossed my mind to ask another question, slightly diff this time: I said that I like this girl and flirt with her and show interest, but things are moving slow, so I have a friends with benefits relationship on the side. I asked the girls if they would still wanna date me if they found out I was sleeping with others while showing interest. 

Most said they wouldn't even bother and that I'm leading the girl on and that is not nice and that I should get my shit together. 

Why is this friends with benefits so two sided depending on who's doing it: guys or girls?

Ozanne · Accepted Answer

I don't care who it is, guys or girls - if someone is leading the friends with benefits relationship, no doubt the other person is going to be hurt. If a girl you know has a friends with benefits and is backing off from you, it means her friends with benefits partner has more control over her than she cares to admit, and probably likes the guy more than she can let on. People who enter in to these agreements do it because it's all they can get. They don't want to lose their "single" status when hunting around for a better partner, but in order to get some needs met they'll settle for less.

This girl is obviously feeling some sort of choke hold on the guy she's sleeping with. She's not in a relationship, but acting like she's in one. How is that making sense?

If the tables were turned and it was the guy who wanted out, but felt compelled to stay with his friends with benefits then I say the same thing, the girl has a hold on him and he feels as if he can't let go, only taking what he can get from her too.

If you were to show that you can offer a lot more than secretive sex on the side, and you can be a respectful partner and that *includes* friendship in your relationship, then I'm sure she will see that and find a way to free herself from this jerk she's spending time with. If he's such a great BFF then he would be totally fine with letting her go and wishing her well. That's what best friends do, wish good things for their friends. If he doesn't do this and just wants to keep her in his collection of women, then she's got a funny way of picking out who "best" friends really are.

BattyBB · Accepted Answer

It shouldn't matter to be honest. It should be the same with either sex. And does it matter? Do you really think differently of that person? - People should really stop to think about that.
Just be upfront and honest with her & what you'd like.

I have a friend who is in friends with benefits and she knows he sleeps with other girls - and that's ok doesn't bother her (she doesn't sleep with anyone else though) & I can assure you she thinks no differently of him. And he knew before they got into that, that she liked him. But at the end of they day, they do what makes them happy as long as he's happy aswell she says. And whatever happens she hopes they'll stay friends,

thedevilwithin · Accepted Answer

You asked two different questions.
1. Is it okay to show interest in someone while being in a friends with benefits relationship with someone else?
2. Would you date a guy who was in a friends with benefits relationship?

But really the friends with benefits thing is two sided, it's because there's this huge presumption that women want monogamy and men prefer novelty. So females are more likely to be emotionally invested and hurt then males are regarding this situation. It's bs.
But it's the same thing that suggests that as males are biologically driven to spread their seed they are entitled to sleep around or try to. Etc etc all the stereotypes etc...

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

friends with benefits is a stupid concept in which one person gets laid while the other continues to hope for a relationship to develop. Both participants realize that there is a strong probability that it will resolve in this way. When it doesn't develop, the other person says, "Hey, don't blame me! I just wanted a FWB!" Why can't you just be honest with each other about what you want?

Faulty · Accepted Answer

Well dude I hate everything about friends with benefits mostly because it's kinda insulting to sex as a concept sex is not supposed to be solely for pleasure its a bond... And because sex has become so socially accepted especially amongst teens the whole extreme bond between man and woman is now practically worthless because now your nothing but a bigger or smaller dildo to her.

LightsOff · Answer

I think it's how you worded it. "Things are moving slow", "I'm sleeping with otherS (plural)". In her case it seems like she's just having fun with her ONE friends with benefits and is scared of anything serious (you said she would panic when you flirt intensely). In your case you made it seem like you're just very impatient and that you'd rather sleep around with many people while the girl you actually want is just warming up to you.

So in the girl's case, you made it seem like she's only sleeping casually with one person, that she doesn't want any serious and that she backs off when things get too intense.

In your case, you painted yourself as impatient, that you sleep with many other girls while the girl you really like just wants to take her time. Like you can't accept the fact that a girl wants to wait, that you HAVE to have other girls on the side while you wait, or else you'll become bored.

It's all about context.

Anonymous · Answer

I think one key difference is "is it ok" vs. "do you want to" ... I would definitely say it's ok for people to see other people if they haven't agreed to be exclusive, but I don't think I personally want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with someone else. Personally, I only see multiple people if I am not having sex with any of them. That's just me. But I think others can make their own decisions.

Also, many people presume males only want sex and females only want relationships. Which is clearly not 100% true...

Anonymous · Answer

relationship exclusivity and sexual openness aren't definitively divided between gender lines. to think that is to be ignorant of the gender-fluidity that's happening (even if it's not acknowledged or accepted) in our society today.

BUT if you SERIOUSLY haven't heard of it before, the reason either sexes have ANY KIND of relationship (genetically speaking) is:

dudes spread the seed, and girls want the deed.

if you don't know what this means, you are not ready for friends with benefits.

Bandit74 · Answer

Its because a lot of the girls here are emotional, condescending and hypocritical. They try to promote female promiscuity and then attack promiscuous men and label them as players or womanizers for doing the same thing. Its funny because the girls who do this are the EXACT SAME girls who complain about the supposed slut/stud double standard.

MrCryptic · Answer

How come when I hear "friends with benefits" I'm thinking of someone with medical, dental, and vision insurance?

To answer the question though I think it's wrong either way. I think in many cases guys and gals will defend their kind in these situations.

Derpyy · Answer

Because society is biased and loaded with double standards. If it helps, I'd still date you as long as you were upfront with your intentions.

Sad that people are like that, but I doubt it will change. Part of the reason I'm here, though, is to help people not be so warped with their mindsets like that. Luckily, I've seen some progress.

GreatnessPersonified · Answer

in my opinion, a friends with benefits is the slang term for relationship among the kids. I mean you basically do all the same things as a relationship without the title.

I can understand it because titles suck and limit a person's life, but still it's a relationship.

Mar1xi · Answer

if you are sleeping with other girls and show interest in the one you know you like, maybe she found out about the other girls and are scared she may be like the other, oh and sometimes men let women feel cheap after friends with benefits not always the man's fold it is the other women who knows that make them feel like it, or somewhere in the middle someone get too attached and it could be a problem on both sides

Anonymous · Answer

You expected women not to be hypocritical? Tsk tsk. Newb.

People act in their own self interest, and often at the expense of others. Whenever you hear someone praise or criticize something, ask yourself "what's in it for them?"

You'll quickly discover that people are not as altruistic as the behavior they're supporting may suggest.

Anonymous · Answer

Friends with benefits to me is when you are friends with someone and y'all share intimate moments. Flirting may seem somewhat intimate, but ultimately I feel like unless I'm actually having sex with the girl it's mostly a friendship only. So she's in a friends with benefits and you want her to be friends with benefits with you too? And you're catching shit for it?

grimmrenard · Answer

You should have said that you have a friend with benefits you've had for a while, but like this girl a little bit.  The answers would probably be a lot different. You didn't word it correctly.

Poppykate · Answer

I think that we all have needs. You should be able to have your friends with benefits until she starts to show real interest in you. Then you would need to give her exclusivity.

jormungand · Answer

Bigotry, and society #DoubleStandard#Hypocrits  There isn't really anything you can do about it on your own. People viewpoints aren't changed so easily

bubbletrouble · Answer

Women dont care if other women do that under any circumstance because we dont date women. Most women would never date a guy that has casual sex period.

dudeman · Answer

just dont date anybody whos had a friends with benefits. its insulting as a man. paying full price for what other got for free.

Marissa0015 · Answer

If she allready has a friends with benefits then maybe he's just taking care of it and the girls just kinda likes you but allready has someone

VampireEmpress · Answer

she might want her friends with benefits to really be her boyfriend, so I don't think you led her on.

Anonymous · Answer

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Anonymous · Answer

If guys do it their using her for sex if a girl does it then she is in control of her sexuality

Anonymous · Answer

I view at all the same. They're all equally bad

Why is friends with benefits viewed so differently depending on who's doing it (guys or girls)?

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