Another girl likes my boyfriend ...How can I respond?

[Anonymous]

First of all, this kind of thing happens all the time. Why wouldn't it? I love my boyfriend and find him attractive ...so why wouldn't other girls find him attractive too?

He's currently taking classes, and there's a girl in one of them who invited him over to a study session with him. I haven't met her or anything.

He came home yesterday and said that she was hitting on him. More appropriately, that she made an innuendo toward him and that she wanted to kiss him.

I didn't really know what to say. I think it's a sign of good trust that he tells me about her - he has told me about many other girls who have hit on him or flirted with him. One girl did so for about a month; he lived with her at the time. And he told me about it. He also told me that the one time she asked if he and I were dating, he didn't answer her. She talked to him everyday, for hours, and made sexual innuendos; the other housemates noticed it too.

I felt uncomfortable with the situation, and I really wished he would have told her about us, but I didn't press it. I tried to be supportive of him instead, of his honesty with me. And none of us could help the situation, because he had to see her everyday. He had no choice.

I know it's up to him what happens with this girl from his class. He is going over to study with her again tonight. It makes me anxious, but it's not fair to put that on him. It is up to him how to handle the situation.

What I want to know is ...how can I respond to him when he tells me these things? When he tells me that he's going to see a girl who wanted to kiss him yesterday? What does he want to come home to with me? I want to listen, to be a good listener and help him feel like he can tell me anything. Should I ask him questions? Should I give suggestions - such as "does she know we're engaged? Maybe it would be a good idea to tell her that, so she won't feel led on." Should I say something funny but true, like "of course she thinks you're hot! Who wouldn't?" or "Well, she obviously has good taste." Or should I just quietly listen? In other words...

What does a guy want to hear when he confides in his girlfriend that other girls are flirting with him? How can I support him? What does he need from me?

Thank you.

Updates

+1 y

Well, when I asked him about how his study night went, he wouldn't answer me. I tried to let it go, but I eventually asked him outright if that girl had done anything, if she kissed him. He wouldn't answer me. I tried to let it go. They had study

Updates

+1 y

Session planned for next night but she had to cancel. Then Monday night was our date night. So they're meeting again tonight. I am so anxious I can't even sleep. He was more distant from me this week but he gets that way sometimes.

Updates

+1 y

Happy update: I talked to him before he went to his study session tonight, told him how he is special to me and how I love him, and said I don't want to lose that with him, that that's where my fear about the other girl comes from. So I said,

Updates

+1 y

"Please don't let her do anything." He didn't really answer, just gave me a kiss and left... He came home early from their session, said she'd tried to make out with him, and he refused to and said, "I have a girlfriend" several times to her, and finally

Updates

+1 y

Left because it got too uncomfortable. He said he's going to ask to change partners tomorrow, and she knows it too. :-) So I tried to be tender with him, and we laughed together before he went to bed. Thank you for the advice, everyone! :-)

[ohmygollygarsh]

I think if he reallt cared about your feelings, he'd take into account the fact that you're uncomfortable with this studying situation. I'm sure that there are lots of uglier, just-as-capable people in his class. If studying with her is unavoidable, like they are assigned parteners or something, it's completely inappropriate for them to be in each others' rooms or apartment, etc. There are plenty of public places like the library, the student center, plopped on a square of grass in the main outside hangout of campus, where they could be studying.

He tells you these things all the time because wants you to be jealous. He wants you to know that girls find him desirable so you don't forget how "lucky" you are. There's a difference from this and him just being honest with you so he doesn't feel like he's hiding things from you. If he was JUST being honest with you, he wouldn't even allow himself to be in avoidable tempting situations, like the studying situation.

He doesn't sound like a guy that's right for you. Even if he's 100 percent just being honest with you, you seem like you need a man that would never ever be in a situation or allow himself to be in a situation that would make you feel vulnerable. You deserve it!

[Asker]

That is a REALLY good point about location. I didn't even think about that. I wonder - if they studied in a public place, would that make it a less tempting situation for him? That is such a good point. I don't think he should let himself get into that kind of situation either.

[ohmygollygarsh]

Well, you should definately tell him how you feel. If he ignores how you feel, he's hiding something. Or, he's hoping that something will happen that he hill then have to hide, if you know what I mean.

[Asker]

He came home pretty late last night and is still asleep. I think I'll talk to him sometime this morning, after he's had something to eat, woken up fully, etc. Maybe just start by asking how his study session was last night, and see what he says. Thank you for your advice. :)

[Asker]

I don't know what to do. He wouldn't answer me when I asked how it went. It was like I hadn't spoken. I'm scared. I guess I'll find out tonight if anything's happening, because he's studying with her again... But I don't know how to tell. If he's just being unemotional or if he's trying to hide something. I'm so scared. :-(

[ohmygollygarsh]

So how did it go??

[Asker]

It went okay. :) Ever since he came home that day after he turned her down, and the next day when he said she wouldn't stop staring at him in class, he hasn't mentioned her since.

[LeeLiyah86]

I don't know why girls get tricked into believing that just because their man tells them that other girls flirt with them, that they aren't doin anythin with other girls. Ur man telling you that he is getting hit on by other girls just means that he is trying to make you jealous. Maybe he feels somewhat guilty for allowing these girls to come on to him. However, if he is not telling these girls that your his girlfriend, then that means he is not claiming you. Basically, he is saying that he is a single man and the girl can do whatever they want to him. You can continue to sit around and listen to your man tell you how he's playing you to your face, but if you have any self-esteem, you will leave his ass. He's not worth it.

[Asker]

I think you're right, what you said about how if he's not claiming you as his girlfriend, then... But walking away is the hard part. :-( I hate how things can't just be straightforward! Anyway, thank you for your advice. :-) You seem strong.

[LeeLiyah86]

You're welcome...have a little faith in yourself. You can choose to stay in an unhealthy relationship and be miserable, or you can be by yourself and not be upset or hurt when things don't go your way.

[Asker]

True ...I guess sometimes I just wonder what the definition of a healthy relationship is. Every couple has their disagreements; it's how they establish boundaries with each other. Is it worth holding on for a while and seeing if you can't meet each other halfway? Seeing if things don't get better? I think they can.

[LeeLiyah86]

You can hold on for as long as you want, but if things don't change you can't be upset. You should try talking to him about how it makes you uncomfortable when he studies late with that girl. If he doesn't want to work things out to make you feel more secure, then you really should walk away. Women often get into relationships thinking they can change the man, but it's not going to happen. There's too many other good men out there, girl. You'll realize it sooner or later.

[Asker]

Happy news! We worked things out!!! I wrote about it in the updates. He defended our relationship to her and left when she wouldn't stop coming onto him. :-) I think if someone does the same thing repeatedly, then you're right - walk away, don't try to change them, because they don't want to. But sometimes laying out your feelings and some boundaries to go with them... it works out! :-D Thank you for your advice!

[LeeLiyah86]

Great! You're welcome!

[Xenophobia]

You can't let her bother you. Just don't let her get between you and your boyfriend.

[Asker]

So should I go with the more teasing, "Sounds like she has good taste too" kind of comment when he talks about her?

[Xenophobia]

No. He's being honest with you about what's going on. So I would leave it at that. The minute you start teasing him, it will show that the insecurity that you have about this girl makin' a move on your boyfriend. I'd just tell him to find a new study buddy. She seems like a homewrecker.

[Asker]

Okay. So just more of a straightforward: "Can you get a new study buddy?" And then, regardless of his answer, drop it afterward.

[Xenophobia]

Yeah, you have the right idea. No need to make the situation out to be more than it is.

[Asker]

If he won't answer me? What does that mean? Am I stressing too much or is that a sign that he doesn't want to tell me something that's gonna hurt?