A female friend invited me over to her place, but I'm married? Is it a bad idea for me to go?

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone. I have a female friend/colleague that I have been friends with for a few years. It has never turned flirty in all that time. My wife knows her and is completely comfortable with her even with us meeting for lunch a couple of times. However, something just happened that I think is a little strange. She invited over her place tomorrow after my job assignment for dinner. She lives alone so and didn't mention anyone else coming. Im married and she has a boyfriend. What is your opinion on this situation? Is it a bad idea for me to go?

Updates

+1 y

Hello everybody. Update, I went. I asked her if we were going to be alone. I didn't want to in order to not make it weird but I guess I had to so that I would avoid a worse awkward situation. She said no, that her cousin was coming to visit too. So I told my wife before going and everything is cool. We were alone however for about a half hour since her cousin was running late, but felt comfortable and not awkward. She kept her distance and did nothing weird.

Updates

+1 y

Also, for people asking why she didn't invite my wife. Reason is that my wife is not around. She is on vacation in Disney with a family friend, her family, and our daughter. I wasn't able to go because my job wouldn't let me since I already have a vacation scheduled for June 26 for a week in Puerto Rico.

[Anonymous]

I was in your exact situation right before I cheated on my wife. Things were going all right at first then she started talking about some personal issues then I started talking about mine and we started to let our guards down and then we started to watch a movie. That’s when things got really awkward because her apartment was pretty small and the only furniture she had was a two person sofa so we were sitting pretty close together. I tried to ignore the fact that our legs were touching and before I knew it our shoulders and arms were touching and I didn’t think anything would be wrong with cuddling among friends. That’s when things got really spicy because the next thing I knew, she had her shirt off with the bra on still and I was shirtless too. Then we couldn’t stop touching each other and I figured that it wouldn’t be too bad if we just did this one thing that I didn’t think was a big deal. Pretty soon she was going down on me and I told myself it was okay since oral sex isn’t really cheating, or so I thought. I didn’t feel any regret afterwards and then my wife was out of town for 5 more days but I couldn’t stop thinking about the other woman so I texted her the next day and I invited her to our place this time. Same story. She was topless before I knew it and I was going down on her. This time I knew it was cheating but I still wanted her so I took her to our bed and we had sex twice that afternoon and again later the next morning. That was when I started to feel the guilt of what I had done but I still figured I could just not mention it to my wife when she returned home so I just stopped texting my friend and then everything seemed to go back to normal or so I thought. Unfortunately, for me, my friend suffered a major stroke and didn’t make it. She was young and healthy and I couldn’t handle it. Then it hit me again, I realized I had texted her phone about getting together and I wasn’t sure if she had deleted those texts or if someone would find the texts we had exchanged. Of course you can guess the outcome, nobody deletes texts because nobody expects someone else to read your private messages. It gets even worse, though. I got so paranoid that this could all leak out and ruin my marriage. I had hatched a plan to destroy her phone and the evidence but I couldn’t just walk into her apartment and take her phone. My fears weren’t unfounded. A mutual friend of my wife and the other woman had requested that my wife and her meet to discuss the death. I had a strong feeling of what that could mean and tried to talk myself out of the worst possible outcome. About two hours passed and no word from my wife. She then texted me saying she found out what happened on her trip. I’ll never forget her next words. She said “I trusted you with all my heart. I never doubted you and I never thought you would hurt me like this. I never want to see you again” I just remember standing there holding the phone not processing the words she was saying but I knew she found out. She filed for separation and we don’t have kids so it won’t be a long drawn out custody battle. I’m giving her everything she’s asking for, which isn’t much considering she filed irreconcilable differences instead of infidelity. I can’t help but think she gave me a little bit of mercy because of the death but she could never trust me again, that was for sure.
Please realize you don’t have to put extra baggage on your marriage even though you may not do what I did. I never thought I would do this before, either, but once I was in her apartment I thought I could do anything and no one would ever find out. Marriage is tough on its own. Putting other women in the mix just stirs things up and at the best, just creates more issues even if there’s no infidelity.

[Ayanna240]

No married man would sit in a tiny room with a woman where he is touching her with his knees. YOU KNEW YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT. Its basic common sense. And now you are on here, talking as if it wasn't your fault. There is nothing to be explained on your end.

Going to someone's house to discuss work over a plate of food is completely different from you sitting in a tiny sofa, touching another woman with your knees. You liked it and thought it was ok to cheat because your wife wasn't there.

[Opinion Owner]

@Ayanna240 Hey I don’t need this negativity. I’ve already been through enough. What more do you want from me? I already admitted I did the wrong thing.

[Ayanna240]

I don't know but from my intuition and through the way you worded your post, I sense that you're still trying to justify what happened. Its not what is being said, it is the way you say it.

[BigPunny]

Hey Anon,

Our gut feelings are important to listen to. It appears that your initial instinct says 'something isn't right here', and your gut is probably correct. But, that doesn't mean your instinct isn't wrong either.

If you are concerned, but still want to hang out or have dinner with your friend, then you need to express this to your wife, and the concerns you have.

I'm sure a lot of people may disagree with me here, but I've been with the same woman for 23 years and have avoided a lot of problems by being transparent.

Telling your wife your concerns will SHOW her that you are faithful and trustworthy. But that also doesn't mean you don't have a right to want to go, but she also would have a right to not want you to go.

This is definitely something you'll not want to keep from your spouse. As for your friend's boyfriend - that will be between her and her boyfriend.

It also won't hurt if you ask your friend if your wife can come, and, if there's anything that you should 'bring' to the dinner. This will convey to your friend, politely, that everything should remain platonic between you two.

If you go over to her house and don't tell your wife and don't bring up your concern to your friend, then you are certainly asking for trouble. Imagine if you go to dinner, nothing happens, and you just enjoy dinner with a friend, but your wife finds out later that you went over there without talking to her about it first --- whether she's friends with her or not won't matter much and she (your spouse) would have every right to be suspicious of your omission.

If you value the trust between you and your significant other, you will tell your spouse and get all parties on board before you go.

Best luck and I hope this helps,
BP

[Asker]

Thanks for your answer. You make very good points about transparency, wife finding out later on, etc. I will take your advice.

[Alwayreckles93]

Are you kidding me? Use some common sense of course is bad idea. The bitch is interested in you! Open your eyes! Now why the hell would the bitch invite you over especially while le your wife is on vacation at Disney World, Just because the bitch has a boyfriend don't mean crap she likes you and has a horrible he crush on you, Why else would she invited you to her house and take advantage of the time when your wife is at Disney World. Why couldn't she wait until your wife came back from Disney and invite the you and your wife over for dinner? Why hasn't the bitch invite Your WIFE with you for dinner the two of you. No she found nds an excuse to invite you over when your wife goes to Disney. My Lord dude the bitch clearly likes you she just hasn't had find the rightful moment for some reason to say hey I like you. Why on earth would this bitch invite a married dude over? Sounds weird to me. The bitch likes you that's all I gotta say.

[btbc92]

The thing is that you need to use better judgment. Even if she says that you're not going to be alone in the cousins going to be there, that's not the point. The point is what is the intent, the point is are you too sexually attracted to each other, and most importantly does that sound like a healthy position for you to be in? Because you can have all the people there who know in a place, and you can still got off of it be seeing somebody having sex in the corner. I think at this point we need to know your exit points. And be willing to step out if things are not going the way it needs to go. But definitely do not be alone with her.

[btbc92]

and you cam still God forbid end up seeing somebody having sex in the corner.*

[btbc92]

can*

[MLGbreezy]

Lady shut up you sound stupid to start with they aren't going to be alone. If they were gonna do something why would they do it knowing the cousin is gonna be there. next he told his wife about the whole thing and she obviously approved if he went in the first place. His judgment was fine. Your the type of lady to let your husband go and be mad after

[btbc92]

@MLGbreezy First of all, you need to stop being so angry and toxic. They can be alone because I am sure it is big enough of a place for her to have her own bedroom and they can still have sex and the cousin can say nothing. You need to grow up and you want to know why you have relationship problems? Unlike you young man, I have trust in the people I am with and do not associate nor engage with people I don't. Your too bitter and you need healing. Don't project your anger on me because of your failed relationships you keep adding on GaG because you're not stable-minded. I warned you prior to that happening and it is still clear your head headed and haven't learned yet.

[btbc92]

It doesn't matter if she approved or not. The question is the woman. Not him. The woman is clearly setting up a situation where "accidents" happen. You must not be so well versed yet in the world to know cousins do sleep with cousins, siblings do sleep with siblings, there are "couples" who share siblings, parents, etc. WELCOME to the real kid. Even parents may take a shot at your spouse or partner or vice versa. I knew a guy who joked about sleeping with one of my friend's mothers, she dumped him real quick. You that naive? Think about that before calling somebody stupid. Because your proving to everyone heard you naive. People have "skeletons in the closet" for a reason. The point has to do with what is his options if it's proving it is his friend in weakness to have his company? And if he is weak in that area, it may be the outcome we want. Not everybody is strong in that area to walk out where there is temptation. People are human. But not everybody is innocent. If I had a friend alone like that, even if others are there, and I am married, I would NOT be alone with somebody who I sense is sexually attracted to me. I personally would not invite a male friend alone in my house, married or not without setting boundaries and making it clear. Not everybody who is "Friends" is "Sexually honest." If I am sexually attracted to somebody why would I jeopardize that? Be smarter than this. Why would I mad at my husband for going to a friend's house? This is why I rather date a friend and NOT a stranger with people I don't know. You have a lot of toxicity and jealousy issues and it's not healthy. Only unhealthy people do what you are saying unless warrented. I would respect my husband as I would desire my husband to respect me.

[btbc92]

an outcome we don't want*

[OlderAndWiser]

Was your wife invited to attend with you? If not, why didn't you ask? I think you already know the answer to your question.

[Floppy2112]

It's not a good idea, but it's tough to read based on your description. If you go, just make sure you don't give into temptation, no matter what. You don't want to destroy your marriage. It's very possible she has a secret crush. Unlike a lot of people, I do think men and women can be friends, but the sexual tension and questions have to be dealt with out in the open and you have to be comfortable talking about it, out in the open. If you are as good as friends as you say, perhaps you can deal with the elephant in the room. Total transparency even if it's awkward.
If there is even a remote question about you being able to resist temptation, don't go. She is in her comfort-zone and you are not. Look for signs, for instance, has she been touching you more frequently than she used to? Do the hugs seem a second longer than they used to? If so, she's crushing and don't do it. Make up something.
Or it could be a perfectly normal dinner, but another question, is your wife allowed to come? And if not is there sufficient reason that actually makes sense?

[Asker]

Hi, thanks for the answer. She has not shown any flirty signs that you mentioned. As far as my wife coming, that is something I definitely would suggest but she is currently on a trip in Florida. I am going to talk to my friend and see if there are other people there or if just us 2 kinda thing.

[Floppy2112]

Good luck!

[Jazquee]

Whoa!!! ... red flag!! Does this other women know your wife out of town?

[hahahmm]

Assuming your wife is a good/loyal wife: then ask yourself, if a male friend of your wife asked her to go to dinner alone at his house, what would you want her to do? You can't expect your wife to respect you if you don't show her the same respect. Tell the other woman, NO. And if you don't tell your wife, just know that it will come up at some point in the future & then your wife will claim you had some bad reason for hiding it & you won't be able to prove otherwise.

And just because your wife says it's okay for you to hang out with this woman doesn't mean it's a good idea. Only YOU know your limits/weaknesses or what might happen if this woman jumps on you. It's up to you to avoid these situations and also to avoid being in situations where this woman can later claim you tried to rape her or forced her into something. Nobody in the legal or police system will believe you if she does that.

[hahahmm]

There's a reason why married couples tend not to hang out with singles (opposite sex).

[Jazquee]

You said that perfectly. Very true facts and on point. Nice to know there are still thinkers like you

[Dalton57]

Exactly. This includes old friends, old lovers, hangers on and brothers that aren't really brothers.

[mobiusforniner]

Dude, I don't really know how to comment on this one, because I'm in the same situation. I'm married and I have a close female friend from work. I've made it a point to involve my wife in our dynamic and my friend (generally) respects my marriage by limiting her communication to my wife. But she has on occasion, asked me to do favors for her, knowing my wife wasn't around; or she calls me randomly to talk- usually about personal things.

Honestly I feel having a female friend in a marriage relationship is generally a bad idea.

[Villiers]

Let me get this straight. Your wife is away. No sooner is your wife away on holidays with family than your "friend" is inviting you over.

Seriously? Of course, it is a BAD idea. It is a VERY bad idea. The woman couldn't make her interest any more obvious than if she stripped naked and sat on the hood of your car. Just because she has a boyfriend doesn't mean she's not going to try her luck. And the fact you entertained the invite without your wife is a damn good indication you're interested.

[Alwayreckles93]

Someone needs to get this dude some glasses for him to be able to see that the bitch wants him really bad. Why else would the bitch invite him for dinner especially at the specific time his wife's at Disney World. Does not sound a friend thing to me.

[CookiesAndCream2]

@Alwayreckles93 Seriously I think he's just looking for validation. I mean any decent husband/boyfriend would know what's up - that it's an attempt to entice for sex - and wouldn't even bother. Just cause the cousin is there means nothing. They could have sex and the cousin of course would take her relatives side and say they watched Thor (movie)

[Alwayreckles93]

@CookiesAndCream2 Thank you exactly

[Miristheiss]

Shouldn't go. Risk vs. reward. Not much to gain. More to lose... temptation... just the overall appearances with your wife... hanging out alone in another woman's home while she is away. There really isn't any up side to doing this and you are pushing the envelope within your marriage. Even if your wife says she is ok with this there is a good chance she really isn't. If you strain the marriage is it really worth it?

Do you and your wife have any good boundaries with the opposite sex?

Inappropriate things don't happen, affairs don't happen, conflicting feelings for others don't flash up, cracks in the marital bond, misunderstandings and resentments don't occur when a couple just has good boundaries.

[Pasiton5]

Well honestly you can be friends with opposite sex and there not be any thing other than what it is, you showed your thoughts to go where they shouldn't, if she never came into you in any way has a dude already never even hinted at ooh your a hunk, then it's you who may be harboring some illicit feelings just saying search you hear and mind be honest, you read more than what was there we all do it at times just be honest with you and your motives, but your doing the right thing by addressing it out to cover your real motives, I'm not saying anything negative here or about you, just take s cost look at you in this situation is all take care brother,

[virtue2332]

Anytime you have to ask someone's opinion I'm going to say you should probably refrain. I'm not saying either of you has bad intentions and not having witnessed the two of you interacting I'm basing this on the fact that your brain is questioning this. It leads me to believe that on some level no mater how small the possibility of something inappropriate happening has entered your mind. That's a red flag. Let's change the scenario up and ask yourself if this was a female cousin or aunt would you have any concern? The difference is that you don't consider it a possibility in one scenario but do in another. Why? You may say just a co worker or friend. Not sexual no flirting but subconsciously you are picking up on clues cause that are cause for concern

[Dalton57]

This is a no-brainer.
It's like question one on an apptitude test for marriage.
Special note: It doesn't matter what your wife thinks about it.

Your wife goes to a single man's apartment for dinner.
How long, a couple hours, 4 hours, overnight?
How often does she do this, the same day every week, 3 times a month?

If you say yes once, how do you justify ever saying no?
So, how many different men, a different guy every week or every month or so?

If your buddies or parents ask where your wife is, you are ok with telling them that she's at some guys house having dinner and you are not exactly sure when she'll be home?

[Anonymous]

If she has a boyfriend, my first question would be is HE comfortable with you going over there alone with her?!? Personally, I wouldn't go. I can trust myself, but its other people you can't. I would only meet up with my spouse present, or other friends (aka witnesses!!!!) or to a public setting like you've been going to so far for lunch which as you say, hasn't been an issue. If anything, rather than try and explain all that or any hesitation, simply suggest you meet up at X restaurant instead that you really like and if she insists otherwise, then maybe say you're not the most comfortable with that suggestion of meeting alone.

[rjroy3]

I think if you're that uncomfortable being alone with another woman you should rethink how you deal with women.

If I was in a monogamous relationship. And a girl invited me over for dinner one on one, whom I've been friends with for years. I know when it's safe and when it's not.

I have female friends where things like this was never a concern. Other girls I wouldn't necessarily go if I felt like there was a question on whether or not there was attraction there I would be feeding by going.

As a guy you know this. If you're second guessing it just don't go in the future.

[Alpha09]

If everyone involved is aware and is ok with the situation I don't see the harm. If you aren't getting flirty vibes and you are genuinely good friends, I wouldn't worry to much. It's 2021, why is hanging out alone as friends such a big deal simply because you are the opposite sex? This isn't a porno lol Just be aware, and if it feels off then don't go again.

[Anonymous]

It depends on your relationship. If you are long term friends, then being invited to dinner, including with another person, as your wife if away, then it is not strange. It's OK as long as it is only as friends, and there is not a drawing together emotionally, is a romantic sense. Any time you may be alone with a woman at their home, or your home, you need to assess the situation, and be sure that it's not because of a romantic attraction by either of you. if a romantic attraction starts to develop, then do not be alone with that person.

[Gray-Wisp]

You should take Mike Pence's approach to women.
"Don't travel or dine alone with a person of the opposite sex who isn't your spouse"

I would rethink that friendship. I would rethink going over there. I wouldn't trust her. I would then tell of this to my wife and how I'd never do anything with another woman just to ensure she is on the same page as you. It is probable that she is going to try to manipulate you.

[Levin]

I'm a bit baffled by the female responses here. Why would anyone assume, just because you're meeting a female friend, there's some risk of magically falling into each others' arms and having sex?

What are you animals? Have you no self restraint?

Are people really so insecure and easily jealous? Jeez.

[CookiesAndCream2]

Are you stupid? It's obvious what when this invitation comes when the wife is away what this woman wants

[myname604]

By inviting you she probably meant you and your wife. But if that isn't what she meant and you show up and she has only place settings for two and her boyfriend is out of town or something then that would become an extremely awkward moment and potentially very damaging all round.
You best either decline or clarify.

[Interstate]

I wouldn't have gone just for the pure sake that YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT CAN HAPPEN AT ANY TIME!!! I would have had a friend "on call" as a go-to just in case you are on the verge of falling into temptation (to be safe). For all you know, she could have tried something, and the Cousin pushes the two of you into temptation. Some people can act as a friend, then last minute slap you hard with a second face. BEEN THERE!!!

[Dragonpurple]

I am late to the question but glad you went and it worked out fine.

People often think once they get married, you can't have friends anymore.

I personally only have issues with my wife hanging out with man friends if they are ex's and stayed friends.

If it is a co-worker or someone else, no issues. If someone is truly committed to their spouse, nothing anyone does can even tempt them or cause issues.

[_Lynx]

Yeah honestly, marriage shouldn't mean no one in the world excpet the spouse.
And very wisely said, any opposite gender acquaintances are fine as long as they 'don't pose a threat' which you gave good examples of.

As for the asker:
You took an obviously great action if what you say is true by asking her and confirming, besides knowing her as not of that kind of person -your friend I mean- plus you told your wife about that.

At that point it is clear already that it should be fine.

[Ayanna240]

i think you must be newly married because you do sound very inexperienced.
I'd say that anything is ok if your wife agrees to it.

Generally speaking, its ok to visit a woman's house to work on a project , discuss work, or some important meeting. But if its a casual dinner , then I would be more cautious.

[KrakenAttackin]

How would you feel about a "male friend" inviting your wife over to his place?

Get it?

Nothing good comes from having "friends" of the opposite gender when you are in a committed relationship. I don't know why it is so hard for this generation to understand this basic fact.