What to do when girls have an obvious shield from being hurt before?

[Anonymous]

I can tell when a girl is rejecting me because of something I may have done, or when a girl has been hurt and puts a shield up so she can get to know a guy before she opens up to them. The thing is, it makes the girl come off like a bitch, and I never really bothered to put up with it.

Does anyone have a suggestion in dealing with these kinds of women that will still be fun rather than a chore o should I just move on to a woman who has not got any baggage like I usually do?

Updates

+1 y

Lots of people are telling me that I don't care about the girl enough, that it's somehow my fault, the thing is, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE GIRL TO CARE ENOUGH ABOUT HER, that is the point, I don't know her, all I know is that she is acting like a bitch to me and that it's a shield but she could very well be a bitch behind the shield also


What I'm asking is how can you break the shield so I can get to know her quickly and still feel like a human being afterwards?

[Darkfairie17]

I would just not bother. You don't seem to like having to deal with the bitchy behaviour, so why put yourself through that?

Everyone pretty much has some sort of baggage, but there are people out there who do not take their past experiences out on potential dates. Maybe the shield is because she is dating too soon after the event that caused her pain? Who knows. It's only fair for both you and the potential girlfriend to both put as much effort into the relationship. If you don't want to endure the shield and bitchy behaviour, then walk away. I know that sounds rude, but honestly, some girls do just take it too far and create hellish situations for guys who were not the person who caused their pain in the first place. And I don't think that is right either. That girl deserves someone who is willing to wait, and can endure this shield, or at least realize she needs some healing time and is ready to come out of it stronger and is actually ready to date.

In the meantime I would just re-asses what you are looking for. You seem to be going after girls who need more time and effort than you are willing to put into, which is fine. But don't go after those girls and then just leave when things get hard. Instead, go after girls who you feel you can connect with and that you won't have to wait for. Going after girls with shields I think will only cause them more pain ,because you leave and that will prove to them in their minds that you were a jerk, even though you weren't, causing them more pain.

[Asker]

I don't go after them, that's why I'm asking this question, I just come across them once in a while and was wondering if there is any reason for me to see what is behind the shield or if there is a good way to crack it open

[Darkfairie17]

The only way you can crack it open with a girl who has a shield is with lots of time and patience. Sorry but it's true, you have to earn their trust, that is the reason for the shield.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, there aren't many woman you are going to get with who haven't been hurt by a man before. You have to take a chance. Of course if she's been hurt before, she's not going to let her guard down that easily. I've been there before. I was even sexually assault by the guy I thought cared and that I "let my guard down" for. If you haven't been in that person shoes you wouldn't understand. Stuff like this doesn't just happen to women either, there are men that have been hurt too. Don't just give up and say oh she's a bitch. That's being effortless. Try it! eventually she'll come around, and if you truly care she'll see that. Calling her a bitch and moving on doesn't guarenteed you'll find someone that isn't in her position. The next woman may be in even worse position. So give it a try, and don't give me that "she's coming off as a bitch and I don't know what to do" response. Let me tell you something, "With hard work comes happiness and meaning, but with little labor comes failure and boredom." That means evenually you'll want a woman with challenge. If relationships were that easy no one would be single.

[Asker]

I don't know if she is a bitch or not, I know she has a bitch shield on but I never get to find out if she is a bitch or if she is a kind person, I never call her a bitch but they have a bitchy attitude that annoys me, even if they are not really a bitch, which they could be but I don't know, at the time all I experience is "bitch" how do I get past that

[Tamikaze]

By the time we are in our 30's we have probably all experienced being "hurt" by past relationships. We have baggage. However, if we meet the right person, someone who really just hits all the right buttons with us, we can easily bring down any shield we have and believe that this one is going to be different. It is a matter of chemistry and that unseeable something that helps us to connect to someone from the moment we meet.

So, I say, regardless of whether you think you did something or she is dealing with some past issue, if a girl is not much fun to be with from the moment you meet, you probably just do not have the right chemistry and it isn't worth trying to break through.

[Asker]

Guess it's chemistry, it just feels like you need an above ave amount of chemistry with some women, that's what I always thought tho, if it's not working out then just move on to a woman that has chemistry with you and leave the ones with the shield alone

[Tamikaze]

Yes, there are a lot of people you will not have mutual chemistry with, a lot. You may think they are good looking but who cares if they don't like you enough to be an enjoyable person to talk to. You can be cautious without being a bitch, so any girl that is that unenjoyable to be around from the start is just not the girl for you.

[Tamikaze]

Oh, and I totally disagree with all this advice about trying to find ways to help a girl through this so she can be nice to you. Ridiculous. If someone is being bitchy either they are a bitch or they just don't care enough about you to care about how they are coming across. Past baggage is no excuse for acting poorly.

[MysteryNini]

Yes, that's correct. If that works best for you, then move on with women who don't have this shield up.

[BlackBear18]

Here's the giant question. Do you like this girl well enough to take the time out for her to remove that shield that is protecting her from getting hurt again? If you do, then it might take a little bit of time for the girl to get very comfortable with you. She's not trying to be a major bitch with the shield thing it is just that she has been really hurt by an ass of a guy. I would just keep a positive attitude about this. Just take day by day or date by date. Try doing new activities with her that you two have never done before. Try to give her a reason to forget her ex-boyfriend or ex-husband. Get her to focus on you. Who knows? This girl could be the one that you're looking for after all. I hope my advice can help you out in some way and best of luck with women like this.

[Asker]

I DON'T KNOW, that is the whole point, I have no idea if I like the girl or not because all I see is BITCH and I don't feel like wasting my time, also I don't feel like putting my balls on a plate and delivering them to her while she abuses me

[MysteryNini]

Are you sure you didn't cause anything to bring this bitch out in her?

Don't mean to be rude but sometimes it takes a dog to bring out the bitch in a girl lol.

If she is just being this way because you're a guy, then move on. You paying for another guys baggage is not fair on you, so move on.

But if you have done any of the immature things like trying to make her jealous by flirting with other girls to see if she likes you, or maybe you're a reserved person and don't communicate well, etc., then work this out within yourself first.

I don't like the choice of words in your question. Bitch shield sounds rude, no mercy. You don't know if you like the girl or not, she may be in the same mindset, still no effort from you to understand her. You don't want to serve her your balls, she doesn't want to serve you better heart, her emotions. See what you're bringing to the table?

[eternal]

Depends on how much you like the girl. If you think there's scope there, yo ought to make an effort to get to know her and ease into her comfort zone. Once you both gel, thing's will work out. A girl with baggage is just hurt and afraid to go through the process again. But, if you're someone who she likes at some level and you make a sincere effort, she'll reciprocate sooner or later.

On the other hand, if being 30-35 years old, you aim at finding a girl your age with no hang ups, it's going to be quite a task.

[Asker]

fake age, the thing is I DON'T KNOW if there is scope there because the bitch shield turns me off and I can't find out anything of value about the girl. The whole point is that she acts like a bitch but in her mind can make the excuse that she is only acting like that to protect herself or because guys hurt her, but to me she is just a bitch, so what can I do or say, that doesn't waste my time to find out if she is worth it or not?

[eternal]

If you're saying you can't find anything special in a girl who's got her 'bitch shield' up, I think you need to look beyond the surface - look at her body language, the way she behaves with others, her friend circle, etc. That could give you a hint of her true personality.

As far as making conversation with a person like that goes, you could start by asking her for help with something simple and commonplace and then carry it forward.

Don't just turn your back on a shield! Try harder :)

[MysteryNini]

If you didn't see any value in her you would not be here asking this question lol.

I really think you should just move on. Relationships require patience and effort. All relationships do. We just have to find someone who is worth it. Is she worth it or not, only you can decide for yourself.

[-StillWater-]

If it feels like a chore then you don't care enough about her to actually be with her.

So I wouldn't suggest even bothering if you're not serious. The last thing a woman (your age - and who's been hurt before) like that wants is someone who just wants to have fun and let everything come to him easily. If a person doesn't have to work for it, it's usually not worth it.

[Asker]

Well I don't know her well enough to care about her, all I know is the bitch shield, she could be a kind person behind that or she very well might not be, just because a woman has a shield on does not make her a nice person underneath

[MysteryNini]

Brother, just move on hahaha.

[Anonymous]

i'm like this and I don't see a problem. why does it make me a bitch because I am cautious? I'm not naive. I think you are kinda unrealistic because you expect women to just be quick and easy for a guy they barely know. if you like someone then you should understand that it takes time to build trust. the type of girls that are easily opened are usually...well...easy. I keep my guard up because I know I will run into many guys that don't really care about me and just want to have "fun", you probably didn't really like or care about those girls that much and that's why you didn't put up with getting to know her and earning her trust

[Asker]

She never gave me a chance to get to know her, that is my whole point, there are women that don't give me their bank account details but also don't have a massive bitch shield on and I get to know them and see if they are someone I can hang with or not, these women it's pretty much an uphill climb just to see who they are

[MysteryNini]

Don't approach the women with bitch shield then. Approach the other girls you are saying are available and choose from them.

If she doesn't want to you to know her, you should stay back. She is an adult and if interested, should evaluate the situation and let her guard down. If she wants to keep the shield up, she perhaps isn't interested.

[vballlover]

All girls have baggage. Some just have more than others and end up putting up a shield. If you really like her, then you should stay. Someone has to work to help take down the walls she's built up. If you can be patient and kind with her, then you'll probably find that under all that "bitch" is a really great person.

[Anonymous]

BlackBear18 said it pretty perfectly. If you care enough about the girl to get to know her, her shield will eventually and slowly come down. She's not trying to be a witch. She was hurt before by some jerk, so this is her natural response to past pain. You have to prove to her that you're different and that you care about her. If you're not willing to put some time and effort in to win her heart, don't bother.

[Asker]

I don't mind putting in time and effort, I just want to be treated like a human being while I'm doing it, that's what annoys me the most, that these women are not even friendly to me

[Opinion Owner]

If it's that bad, maybe you should move on to someone else. Some people just aren't compatible. I'm one of "these women" as you say, but I don't treat guys badly. I have my share of baggage because some jerks hurt me, so it takes me a bit longer to let new guys into my heart. The fact that I have some walls up doesn't mean I'm treating a guy like less than a human. It means that I'm cautious. It's the guys who work for me that prove that they're worth the risk.

[Opinion Owner]

And to your update, the only way to break down a shield is time. Seriously, you have to put the time in. If you're looking to get to know a girl very quickly, it won't neccesarily happen with a girl who has scars on her heart. A girl who has never had a broken heart will open up much quicker.

[MysteryNini]

You don't have the mindset of giving. Mr. Asker. You're approaching the relationship with the mindset of getting only. Have you said everything you are telling us to her? If you did tell her everything you are telling us here honestly, and she still doesn't understand, then she is crazy and you should run away.

If you didn't, then you should watch YouTube videos on honest and effective communication. Honesty is what builds trust, if she isn't trusting you, there perhaps is no honesty from you. Or she is just crazy.

[xochloexo]

some girls are used to guys who are going to hurt them, so they, like you are saying, put up a shield. show her that you aren't one of those guys and be loyal to her, but don't push things too much, and make sure to always be yourself. try to take it a little slower and she will let her shield down. if you keep trying very hard and she isn't letting you in, then she isn't the right person for you.

[sophie020890]

It seems that you want an easy way out? Half the fun is trying to persuade them to take a chance on you. It's not going to kill you to try is it? Once a girl knows your trying so hard to get their attention, they'll take notice.