How do you get better at talking to girls?

Question

I am 23 yo and I've never had a girlfriend. I am a bit shy and introverted person. I like going out with friends and go to parties but i just dont know how to talk to girls i dont know. With friends it is okay but to approach a random girl thats a problem. I just dont know what i would talk about. I feel like i struggle to build a deeper connection with girls, i feel like it is always like surface level. I remember once a friend introduced me to his female friends and it was pretty okay, but again, come to absolute stranger on my own? I probably have never done it.

EzraIsShy76028 · Accepted Answer

I am aware this is gonna sound INCREDIBLY cliche and oversimplified, BUT... practice, practice, practice, practice!

You can read all the books in the world about talking to girls, watch videos online, get tips from other guys, get tips from girls themselves, etc... but it all means nothing without actual practice.

And though several piece of advices are good, always take them with a grain of salt to see if they're appropriate to the situation at hand. And also be aware of the specific girl you're talking to, and of her personality and interests.

One of the most common piece of advices though, don't put girls on a pedestal, and don't necessarily treat girls EXACTLY the way you'd treat a man, but just treat them normally, casually. As in, don't treat them in a way that it's obvious you think they're a pretty girl and desperate to get with them. But then again don't treat them the same way you'd treat your close male friends who you constantly talk about sex and drugs with and roast the shit out of using dark humor. Treat them more like a male stranger you just met who you're first getting the hang of who they are, learning their interests, what they're comfortable and not comfortable with, etc.

I personally agree with that common piece of advice, but it's up to you to see where to apply it.

Also...

You say you're "23" but your account says "Anonymous (25-29)?" What? Whatever though. I don't care that much. Maybe you put in the wrong date of birth or just made it different than your real age for anonymity reasons, but it doesn't matter. Lol.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Accepted Answer

"but to approach a random girl that's a problem" This self-imposed action smells really wrong , if I did that, I would have probably become a monk right now. Do not try to approach a random girl if you are shy, it's like wanting to be an astronaut where all you need is being a librarian.  Proceed according to your personality , not according to trends or people around you telling you or imposing you to do things in a certain way, in a certain order.  Refuse, resist, create.  Shy and introverted you say, then you are overflowing with  thoughts inside, use them . You have absolutely no problem finding things to think, because you do that all the time. So, content is not a problem here, approach is. Approach girls in a group of friends, socially, stealthily, take your time. Do not attempt 1to1 situations, it's not useful for you, it's not your thing, that is for outgoing personalities. You are shy, then  use the collective decor around you, infiltrate, ask questions, listen, evaluate, submarine style.  It works.  In seduction, and generally,  in life too. Happy hacking 🍀

DishLady · Accepted Answer

If I want to talk to a girl I just look in the mirror. Done.

I’ll tell you 100% honestly: IT IS WAY EASIER to talk to a guy. Why?

Guy speaking to a Guy:
“Hey”
“Hey”
(Hidden meaning? 0%)

Guy speaking to a Gal:
“Hey” (Hidden meaning: Girl your boobs are something else.)
“Hey” (Hidden meaning: Is this guy hitting on me?)
“How are you?” (HM: We can be at my place in 15min.)
“Fine” (HM: I haven’t had sex in a hot minute and this guy is looking so good rn.”)
“Can I buy you a drink?” (HM: I can’t believe we’re talking. Hope she doesn’t notice my semi…”)
“Sure” (HM: YOWZA, hope that’s just a semi…)

Sigh…. And so we’re not REALLY from mars and venus, we’re just trying to be cordial so we don’t appear SO F-ING THIRSTY to a stranger.

You’ve got this, buddy. Stick with the basics and stay away from religious/political crap.

purplepoppy · Accepted Answer

Don't approach them looking for a relationship or sex. A good tip is to show interest in what they're currently up to especially if you're into the same thing. For example I saw a guy last Sunday night approach a group of girls swimming on the beach.

He opened up with "is the current always this strong here?"

That's an innocent question you could ask anyone.

He followed up with, "I normally swim at xxxxx That's where I'm from. You live around here?"

Again perfectly innocent but he's told them he lives locally and likes swimming as well. Plus it opens up a dialogue.

Even if you go no further than that it gives you practice in breaking the ice.

Summeroflove · Answer

Talk to them like you talk to anyone else. They’re just human beings at the end of the day and not every woman is going to be attracted to you the same way you’re not attracted to every woman.

But if there are women you already know that peak your internet you may have better luck talking to her then going to someone random that you don’t know. Who could have a boyfriend or husband or be some type of psychopath.

Now, you have to meet people somehow if there is just literally nobody that you’re really attracted to. Then meeting in real life is better then online. Be friendly. Be respectful..:. And if you’re told no. Don’t waste your time or hers. If she’s unreasonably a bitch you dodged a bullet Anyways

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

There’s nothing wrong with that. It means that you’re mindful of the importance of commonalities when developing a friendship and relationship. That’s actually good in a way. There are plenty of guys talking to women just because they think she’s “hot”. Most guys can’t relate to that, but it probably gets old.
So, if you’re feeling the attraction but you haven’t observed something about her from which you can ignite an engaging conversation, just be honest. Say ‘hello’, ask her name and tell her yours. Then say, “I’d like to get to know you but small talk bores me. What should we talk about?”.
Or something along those lines, in your own words.
You’re only going to get better at it by doing it. So… god forgive me… just do it.
Ell oh ell!

It seems ridiculous, but i’m not joking.

ShellyB · Answer

Maybe you should just make a personal rule, you don’t need to tell anybody else, like “I will talk with three girls per day” or whatever, maybe it’s three girls at a party or whatever makes sense for your situation. Then when you talk with them, you just want to ask questions like, where are you from, what’s your favorite TV show, what are your hobbies, what kind of work do you do or what do you study, what’s your favorite food. Things like that. Your goal is not to ask them out, your goal is just to get used to taking w them so it feels natural and not scary. If you do that for a while, when you do like a girl, it should be easier to talk with her! JMO!

Avicenna · Answer

You get better at it by doing it and finding out what works for you. In addition, you should practice talking to people you have no romantic interest in because it teaches you a lot about body language, how people think, and how you're perceived by others (things you'll also get from hitting on women).

MrOracle · Answer

Start by talking to lots of women as often as you can, but think of them as if you already know for sure they are in a relationship and aren't available. This should allow you to get used to talking to women without having any expectations, and as you do this with many different women, your confidence will naturally build and you will be more relaxed and it will get much easier.

Only then, once you are very comfortable, should you try pursuing some romantic encounters. When you do, do NOT ask questions. Instead, tell her "I'd like to take you out on a date tomorrow. We'll keep it short and sweet - we'll get some ice cream and sit in the (safe local public location) and talk and see if we have any interest in each other."

Notice there's no question there, and you have set expectations that are safe for her. You aren't trying to get her drunk or take her home, but you also aren't going to take her to some expensive dinner where she orders $700 of food just because she feels entitled to your money.

She will either agree, decline completely, or suggest an alternative, but by not asking a question, and by having a plan, you greatly increase the chances of a YES.

Saramad_Hill · Answer

Stop seeing them as girls and start seeing them as people, humans.
It sucks when no one is able to see the real you underneath. Everyone wants connection, deep down.
But, that doesn't get rid of the problem, does it? Women can be a bit intimidating, especially ones you find attractive.
"What right do I have to waste her time?"
This is what I get hung up on. "She's probably taken. She's probably busy. I don't look that great. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I don't want to put myself in a position to be seen as a threat."
And then the battle is over before it even begins.
I think it's way easier to talk to them online, but the goal should always be friendship first, and you should be content with that. Relationship stuff works best once you both sense chemistry.
Some girls are flattered at cold approaches. Some aren't. It's the same reason they cross the street when a man's walking-- "maybe he's not a danger, but what if he is?" This is why I say cold approaches are dying.

ManOnFire · Answer

It takes practice. You have to talk to them regularly. Female friends, acquaintances, co-workers, classmates, etc. You will get better at it and learn more about women by interacting with them. For most of my life a large chunk of the people I've known and spoken to have been females. It's like second nature to me.

Although your biggest challenge will most likely be talking to girls in your own age group, because they overthink everything and misread guys. They think everything a guy says or does means he's interested in them even when he's not, and so these girls end up creating a lot of friction and awkwardness between them and guys because of these self-centered presumptions.

That is the biggest thing that makes it difficult in talking to young women and will likely be your struggle. If they could just learn to get out of their own heads and stop thinking everything is about someone liking them then guys would be talking to them a lot more. However, do it anyway. Because you need to gain the experience and learn how females can be so that you'll be wiser in the future.

RingOfFire · Answer

Just be friendly and read her reactions carefully. If she's interested you have to learn how to tell. You're right that's not easy because women can be really coy about their feelings.

But if you observe carefully and move slowly you can get an idea of whether or not she's interested in talking.

Best place to approach her until you have some experience at it is at a place where there are guys and girls and everyone is socializing... Like a club or an event.

If you get better at it you can do it anywhere like in a store or even on the street. But that's for more advanced students.

Just be friendly. Most women aren't going to fault you for that even if they're not interested in you. Be positive and upbeat and casual at first to give her a chance to let you know if she's interested or not.

If you sense that she's not, no problem. Just be nice and say something that fits the situation like "just wanted to say hello and I'm hoping you have a good time tonight"

PS: you don't necessarily have to give up at that point but it is time to move away and maybe go back to your guy friends. But you can just sort of keep a loose eye on her because if she's looking your way more often than just randomly, she may have been interested but you missed the signs.

At that point you could pass by her again just casually and say hi again just walking by. See how she reacts don't necessarily stop for a conversation at that point unless she gives you some obvious sign by returning the conversation in some way. It's her turn at that point to indicate something if she's feeling it.

So don't stare, don't be pushy, don't appear desperate, and just relax and take it easy. Nobody bats a thousand at this game. So don't get discouraged either. Just be friendly and okay with whatever happens and no decent girl will hold that against you even if she's not interested.

OneViewpoint · Answer

You've never approached a random woman. You suck at it. How do you get better at it? Experience. Get out there and fail. Accept that you will fail at first. But you'll also learn from it. Have fun with it.

Look, you have probably never played lead guitar in a rock band? You probably suck at that too. So how do you get better at it? Play the damned guitar! Force yourself to practice.

And realize, women, are people too. Especially young women. They are just as inexperienced, clueless, and nervous as you are. How about talking to them about that shared experience? Admit you don't have a clue but you want to learn. That shows confidence and a willingness to work on your faults. Women tend to appreciate that in a guy.

Anonymous · Answer

Join groups like Toastmasters where all you do is practice talking to people. People use it to improve their careers, but they also use it for all sorts of reasons such as talking to people, talking in public, relating to people, many things. You can go once a week, once a day, once a month, however often you want. Some have old people, some have young people, some have a mix, whatever you're most comfortable with is out there somewhere. At least read about it.

I'm sure there are other groups like it, I don't know of any that are as well-known. Churches can serve this purpose also. Some are very religious, some are hardly religious at all, like social clubs.

Alex_Bright · Answer

Hello,

Talk to everyone, the cashier, people in the queue, old grandmothers have great conversation, grandfathers are full of experience and tips. Don't limit to only women. You freeze because socializing is something special for you. Be genuinely interested. And accept that the hot girl might not have a conversation, or you don't share interests. It's all good. Don't try to get a deep conversation, just be interested.

Also, create an exciting life for yourself.

All the best,
Alex

seeyounexttuesday · Answer

Ok man, you gotta practice like anything else. Take a two-step approach. First thing you do is go about your day and say "hey" to girls you don't know. Smile and look friendly. Do this every day, for 3 weeks. Their reaction doesn't matter. Some will be receptive. Some will be bitchy. But that has to do with them, not you.

From there, then start giving compliments. Not stupid shit like "man you're so hot!" But stuff that has to do with them. "Hey, that dress is a great color and looks good on you". "Your hair is so shiny and healthy".

When you finally get one-on-one... the #1 rule is "people love talking about themselves". Ask a girl about her career, her hobbies, the things that she loves doing, etc.

Ironco · Answer

Practice makes perfect.

Just start out talking to them. You'll get shot down over and over, but just keep going.

Even if a girl is interested in you, she may shoot you down anyways. But just keep going.

It's alright to fail, it will help you to know what you can do better for next time. Or what you don't like about some of these ladies. Just keep going.

Eventually it will become second nature to you to speak and flirt with a gal. You won't even be thinking about it.

Good luck and by all means have fun.

It will happen for you.

Gaylordslav · Answer

You just approach, be smooth, dont show overt nervousness like stuttering, compliment her, ask questions to learn more about her, ask her her name, if you close wanting her # tell her to give you it rather than asking for it "I got to get going but id like to continue our conversation later, give me your # and ill call you" or something like so. Experience breeds confidence, dont approach expecting success so dont take it hard when rejected. The more attractive you are the less guarded she is, but unattractive or average men still get pretty girls too, its all about how you make her feel. Good luck !

more_than_a_guy · Answer

Maybe you get nervous because you think you need to impress her so you overthink and the conversation declines. I think it is best for you for a start just to talk for the talk, without getting expectations, just have fun. With practice you'll get smoother. Another thing is to try and listen, ask deeper questions about what she says and try to not be monotonic in your tone and expressions. Also try to find some common thing between you two, like an interest or something, it's interesting for both of you and you'll be more confident talking about it.

Zack-Bann · Answer

Exposure therapy is the only way.

You can learn about “theory” on the internet.
Many people have tried turning it into a science
It isn’t one

You just need to stack up conversation after conversation and see where the road leads

Many won’t pan out into romance

But eventually one will
Then another
Then another
At one point you will understand the concept and be “good at it”

Anonymous · Answer

I think this happens more commonly with people you may think are attractive but know nothing about or have no connection to.

I struggled a bit with this when I was younger. I wasn't shy - in fact I grew up with many female friends and had my first kiss when I was 10, but I was from a different country and the cultural difference was a huge barrier for me. I didn't have different dating norms per se (although I was more interested in finding a serious relationship instead of a hook up), but I could not relate to many of the people around me, and being a foreigner - I was made to feel like a second class citizen and shamed for it.

Ultimately I realized I was among a very toxic group of people who were liberal and open minded only at a surface level. Moving to a different part of the country really opened up my eyes and I found people more relatable to me.

mobiusforniner · Answer

You focus on building yourself. You must have an image of who you are or who you want to be and you must know where you're going. This means learning to gracefully accept failure. Not just in relationships, but in general.

Nothing is more UNattractive than a man with no direction. And its even worse if that man's only "direction" is wanting a piece of ass.

So, focus on building YOU. The girl thing comes naturally.

Greek_goddess_Iris · Answer

You will get better if you keep talking to them. It's like interviews. The first one will probably go bad, but the more interviews you go for, the more practice you get in, and soon you will know what to say quickly without being nervous.

Emmytexrex · Answer

Yh I know where this is coming from you are scared of what to say your mind is playing tricks on you it happens but see them as your friends like the way you laugh and tease your friends see them that way don't panic or think too much they are human beings like you and trust me women pick up on those signs that you are panicking or scared or looking for what to say

dustybiker2 · Answer

Make sure you ask question you want to know the answers to. Listen to the replies and remember them. Everyone wants to be heard and those that remember your own details touch you the most.

serious · Answer

I think you just talk to them normally and not overly try to impress. The harder you try to impress them the more you are likely to fail. Hence just talk respectfully yet be yourself.

Phoenix98 · Answer

I used to have issues with it when I was younger but honestly man at one point I just stopped giving a shit and started talking to them like they were a person not a woman but just a regular person.

RavVid · Answer

You have to practice. I got started by going to a bar on Monday nights and practicing on the bar maid.

Elliegirl · Answer

We’re people too. So just talk to us like we’re people

Nikki1989 · Answer

You talk to them. Nobody can do that for you.

MJVillarama · Answer

Totally normal, man! Start small, ask something chill or compliment something real. It gets easier with practice.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm about two decades older than you, and I also never had a girlfriend, because I'm shy and introverted.

I know the feeling, I as well don't know how to talk to girls... I wouldn't be able to come to absolute stranger on my own too.

janemarie15 · Answer

haha actually, talking to girls isn't really about clever lines or confidence tricks. Its about learning how to connect naturally, respectfully, and comfortably :)

exitseven · Answer

Like most things in life, practice makes perfect.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Same thing that makes good soldiers. Approach the task as if you're already dead.

MOUTHWASHING · Answer

Talking to girls. It gets you experience and understaning of what they want and expect from the man they need

HelenaHandbasket · Answer

Social skills are skills. You get better at them the more you use them. Think of it like shooting free throws.

HermanL · Answer

Start with the mirror. When you see yourself in it and know that this is you. Let's go, you will win. Just trust that you worth it, no matter what. H.

qwerty2469 · Answer

You have to realize that they ain't shit. Basic IQ. Basic needs. The less you like them the more they like you. Simple creatures

IHateBeingaMan · Answer

another reminder on how my mindset and perspective has changed

queenofcardio · Answer

Lots of practice, I literally talk with everyone I meet on the street

SamWinchester058 · Answer

By practicing. Learn to live with rejection. It's always a numbers game.

Seangreen · Answer

Just don't give a fuck

WonderingManII · Answer

I don't know, I hope you figure it out.

jahaims · Answer

Fix your insecurities

Anonymous · Answer

Don't mention anything admissable in court

nojdug76 · Answer

Experience the more you talk the better

robocop666 · Answer

practise maybe see lapdancers and hookers.

Peace0fMind1994 · Answer

Practice talking into a mirror lol

RedInnocent69 · Answer

Practice

Charliefretz329 · Answer

By experience

In_Trance · Answer

Practice

How do you get better at talking to girls?

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