How to slow down without hitting the breaks on a new flirtatious association?

[DishLady]

I just met a guy (a few years older, nothing crazy). Seems nice. He approached me... which I like. Has good gentlemanly manners... which I like. He works in an industry I understand... which is good, so we can talk shop by default. And he's chatty in that flirty getting-to-know-you sort of way. He's a LITTLE macho, which is fine. All good. Right?

(Wrong.) I don't know how to tell him he's moving too fast. Ironically, he's flirting in the most obvious way so I was able to realize he's interested and not just trying to hang out for a coffee. However...

We haven't even gone on our first date yet and he's tried to get very hot and heavy over text. Send me pics (I won't). Tell me when I can see [body part] (keep talking like that and the answer is never)... I've been laughing it off, but I'm a little concerned he's coming on so strong when we've only just met.

So Father's Day weekend he was silent. I texted mid-Sunday, "So... are you celebrating Father's Day?" and his answer was strange. He mentioned he's never had kids, when for a deep-dive into his relationship status, then asked the "what about you?" question in a way that felt like a red flag. "Are you married? Divorced? ..."

I thought it was odd he would think a married woman would accept a date with him, or all the flirtation. It feels like he's signaling he's "open for business" no matter what my status would have been. I don't know what to do with that information.

PERHAPS he's just looking for something to do over the summer, but I'm not a "fling" sort of gal. I want him to slow down without making him feel like I've just tossed an ice bucket at him.

I just want to feel more comfortable around the guy before anything else happens.

Suggestions?

Updates

1 mo

Thanks so much, guys and gals. please keep sending suggestions... I really need it. For today I'm letting him see my geeky side and we're talking sports and science. He's a really nice fellow. I just need him to slow his roll a little with the flirty stuff.

[Staximus]

You should not go anywhere private with this guy like his house, your house, in a car, etc unless you want to have sex with him. I don’t send girls messages like that unless we have already made out at the least. The guy sounds like a horny high schooler for fuck’s sake. He probably wants a girl who is going to have sex on the first date, send him nudes, talk dirty to him, and act like a slut right away. If that’s not you then maybe you should forget about this guy. I don’t know why you are even giving this guy the time of day.

[DishLady]

Lol. Well he's struck out with his photo request. I'm v strongly conservative. It's not like I'm going anywhere with him after ONE date. If you've seen the fellows around here you would know why this one gets at least a chance.

[OlderAndWiser]

Maybe he asked about your marital status because he wants to make sure he isn't crossing a boundary. I wouldn't assume that he was open to a relationship with a taken woman.

Why don't you suggest a first date and make it a daytime date in a public place, like meet me at the zoo. Daytime date in a public place sends the signal that you don't want to get physical at this point.

[DishLady]

I presume he's thinking of an afternoon/evening date since we work. Also, I don't want to mess up the fact that he is asking the way a man actually SHOULD.

He's been flirting with me for a week before asking if I'm married... It's a little unusual.

[OlderAndWiser]

You could do a daytime date on the weekend. Do you think that sends a message which is too strong?

[DishLady]

I don't know. For example he asked me out for this week. He left the day and time open bc we both work and also there are weather issues. A first date perhaps on a weekday, not a weekend. A drink or coffee, you know? Nothing terrible. Perhaps a walk in the neighborhood. Something open air like a cafe.

[OlderAndWiser]

Maybe, at some point, you could drop a generic comment that guys who come on too fast loose style points with you.

[DishLady]

I'm trying... he's very... persistent.

[OlderAndWiser]

So maybe you need to grab the bull by the horns and give him the caution flag.

[DishLady]

(I don't think it's safe for me to grab anything, lol.)

[OlderAndWiser]

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[DishLady]

Hahaha. Hugs.

[Masie]

I suppose you could try and steer the conversation when it gets a little hot and heavy as you put it. I don't know if that will work if the guy is super persistent.

It would at least be worth a try instead of flat out telling him that it is a bit much this soon. You may have to just come out and say it if it doesn't work.

[DishLady]

I just chuckle and thank him for the flattery, then talk about sports or something I know we both like.

[Masie]

Does that work steering the conversation away to something else, or does he just try to go back to it?

[DishLady]

Lol. He goes back. It's still at a point where it's cute to watch him try, but I don't really like American dating -- all the apps and new rules and such. I'm older and remember dating pre-app, married... divorced and now everything seems too fast.

[Masie]

That would be annoying having him be persistent about it. I agree about your views on dating. It is why I just choose not to for the time being. I have more important things going on in life.

[MissSunshine2]

Talk to him about slowing down and his intentions, so you make sure you're on the same page. If he chickens out, he's not man enough for anything real and he would've nicked off eventually anyway, after getting what he wanted if that's all he wanted.

[DishLady]

He's def not a "chicken out" sort of guy. Just coming on too strong... He needs to turn the heat down to a way slower burn for me. To me, we're still strangers and I can't just jump into a thing.

[MissSunshine2]

That’s fair 😊

[Finchie40]

You are best not to let anything happen at all , the guy is clearly just looking to get laid and that’s probably why he doesn’t have kids’ in the first place because no girl would give him the time or day. So don’t be the Sucker that falls for his shit , He probably just uses girls’ just like he is trying to use you for sex.

[molonski2]

Seriously , I wouldn't over think it that much , just run with it and see , you don't need to do anything


The BIG red flag , someone this age , never had a family? That really says something, and not remotely positive , zero responsibility..

It just is what it is.. just open and run with it , it's up to you , but never trust someone like this , he's zero responsibility dude.

[DishLady]

It's not that he's never been in a relationship. He's said he's been in a few very long relationships so it felt like they were married, but... they parted. He lives with his mom... another factor... which tells me... possibly the mom thing.

[molonski2]

Mother factor , no marriage or children? At his age? Sorry , I don't see any of that as positive , but each to their own..
Mother guys at an age? Big problem..

[DishLady]

I don't know. To me it's a European thing. A parent takes care of us and when they're old it's our turn. I can't imagine it's impossible to fathom. We lived with extended family growing up too. It taught us responsibility.

[molonski2]

Ohhhh.. no , not good..
I find this same utter shite from men who come from Italy , basket case stuff..
He needs to grow a pair..

[DishLady]

I'm pretty sure he has a pair... but I hear you.

Hmm. Yes, I know the "Mama Syndrome" we Mediterranean communities are known for enabling. It's bc we solve most disputes with food. I do it a little too. "Comfort Food" is our doing, I think.

And who traditionally cooked? The Mamas... the Nonnas/Yiayias... Diner Dads weren't a thing till the 1920s. Lol.

[BadApple69]

Not sure what you’ve told him about yourself but what works is to say that you just got out of a relationship so for right now I’m taking it slow. I’m only telling you this because I like you and I want you to understand why I need to take it slow.


Something along those lines.

[exitseven]

The problem with these kinds of interactions is that you have no way to know what their true intentions are. Give him the benefit of the doubt but do not get too close.

[WhitneySnow]

I think you’ve already gotten some good answers, so I’m just gonna say good luck!

[Just_Ken]

Like in a car just take your foot off the accelerator and let the speed drop

[DishLady]

MY foot was never on the accelerator.

[Just_Ken]

Cold showers

[DishLady]

Do YOU want to tell HIM that?