How do you feel about your new boyfriend/girlfriend holding onto their ex's things?

[Anonymous]

So this guy I have been dating finally let me come over to his place after 2 months of dating. He has a painting his ex painted of him and her hanging on the wall over his bed. This started an argument between us that has been ongoing because he refuses to take it down. He said he is really close to her and it was a special gift and he could never take it down. He also has other things of hers lying around and I told him all her stuff and this painting make me uncomfortable. He won't do anything about it, and doesn't see my point at all.

If your boyfriend/girlfriend had stuff from their ex everywhere would it also make you uncomfortable? Am I wrong to want him to get rid of it, or at least put it out of eyesight? Any why is he holding onto it, they are broken up!

[spottedwolf]

I am sorry but your man has some issues, not because he kept a present from someone he was in a 3 year relationship with but because of the painting and what it represents. I mean you said the painting " is a copy of Michelangelo's god touching the hand of man but with her as god and him as man" basicly saying without her he has not life. Cause that painting represents god giving the spark of life to man. I know this because I am in college and I am I a Art Appreciation class right now and that was one of the painting we just has ostudy. Maybe if you explain it to him like that he will take it down. DO NO ASK HIM TO GET RIDE OF IT! Just to take it down and put it in a safe place. This will show that you understand that he want to keep it because it was agift but that you also want him to respect the relationship that you two now have by taking it down. My boyfriend has something from hs ex that is lot harder to get rid of, he has her name tatooed on his arm. It will cost us 160 dollars to coer it because of the size. He not only has her first name, NOOOOO, he has first middle and last. He had a few things of hers when we first got together and now 7 years later the tatoo is the last thing to go and we are having that covered next month. I have to agree with Room429, If he will not take it down to show respect for the relationship you two now have then tell him

"Listen. I really like you. We seem to have a lot in common. But you're clearly not over what's-her-name. I completely understand. We all need time to get over a breakup. Call me if you're ever ready to commit to a new relationship. I can't guarantee I'll be single, but I can guarantee a conversation."

Just be calm and mature about it and do not let him see you get mad or cry, save that for home (if it happens).

[liquidlithium]

NO you are totally in the right.

It doesn't mean he has to throw them out and burn the damn things, but they shouldn't be hanging on his wall, over his bed?!? Are you kidding me? What a place.

How long did they date for and how long ago did they break up. Its sounds to me like he's not over the relationship, and maybe not even over her, which is possible I'm in that position right now, I'm over my ex, but I'm still working on getting over the relationship.

If he cared enough for you he would take those things down, put them in a box and be done with it. But he's not even trying to see your side of it.

You need to have a serious talk about things, know that you ARE in the right though.

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum persay, but kind of along the lines of that. I wouldn't be going over there until the crap was gone, why put yourself through that? And besides its only been two months, you don't want to get yourself involved in some messed up love triangle, and the more time that goes by, the harder its going to be for you to break free.

He needs to decide what's more important, holding onto the past, or moving forward with you. He can't have both. Maybe he's not ready for a relationship yet. Either way, you definitely have to have a serious talk with him about where you guys are headed and what's going on in his head with his ex, because that's just not normal for anyone to do that's over a relationship and in a new one.

[Asker]

Thanks, the painting really creeps me out. It is a copy of Michelangelo's god touching the hand of man but with her as god and him as man. It is really just too much.

[liquidlithium]

:O

....I am truly speachless lol, yea definite red flag my dear. Run.

[cute122345]

I deffinatley would be uncomfortable too , knowing that my boyfriend had a painting tht his ex gave to him , and it's over his bed , so see everyday , even though their broken up , and he's moved on to myself or what not . I wuld deffinatley feel aquward , and feel as if they still had something together . I would try talking to him more , in a nice way , even if you are talking to him in a nice way , I would still try again .

I don't kno what kind of guy does that though .. Keeping gifts out and a picture over his bed from his ex . that's a little bizzare . I kno I wouldn't do that . And , especially in front of my girlfriend .

He needs to get it in his mind , that , tht isn't right , even if they are just friends .

[Room429]

In my universe, we call your boyfriend's behavior a "red flag."

If my girlfriend was with her ex for a while, and she kept a few photos or a little gift he gave her, I'd probably be cool with that.

But what you describe is different:

HE KEEPS A PAINTING OF HIS EX OVER HIS BED!

He might as well wear a t-shirt that says "I'm Not Over My Ex"

He has the right to do whatever he wants with his stuff. It's his apartment.

Your only choice is how you respond to this situation.

Were I in your shoes, I'd say something like this to him:

"Listen. I really like you. We seem to have a lot in common. But you're clearly not over what's-her-name. I completely understand. We all need time to get over a breakup. Call me if you're ever ready to commit to a new relationship. I can't guarantee I'll be single, but I can guarantee a conversation."

Stay calm. Don't negotiate. Say it, give him a hug, walk out the door. Cry your eyes out or get angry for a week. Then, start dating different guys. Don't wait for him.

This technique shows that you're a mature adult. You respect his choices. But you also keep a lot of personal power -- you like him, but you can also walk away. You're not scheming or manipulative.You're not expecting to gain happiness or satisfaction from someone else.

Good luck.

[Asker]

Thanks, that is good advice. I already over reacted though. See they were together for 3 years and he broke up with her to be with me. I never met her, but she seems a lot like me and the idea of her is really intimidating.

[Room429]

How much time between the breakup with her, and the relationship with you?

[Asker]

When we met they were on a break. He started dating me and a few weeks later ended it officially with her. I get the impression they were still living together during this break and that is why he had so much of her stuff, like her shampoo, deodorant and toothbrush were still at his place.

[Room429]

Sounds like he's not had enough time to clear his head from a long-term relationship.

I suggest you move on for now. Don't burn your bridges, but also don't assume you'll get back together with this guy. This approach will keep open the possibility of dating him, but also protects your heart.

Good luck.

[jacquesvol]

If he has lots of stuff belonging to her, he should give it back. If it are presents, he can keep them until replaced by better.

If the painting is good, let him keep it on the wall, if he admits it's not good, he might as well hide it (you're not an impartial judge, eventually ask other opinions) I don't understand why you started an argument.

(but that's only my feeling)

There are a few exes from who I'd like to have something. I don't even have their pictures in an album.

My wife has some things from exes and I feel OK with it.

[JennyMay]

I sill have PIc of my and my ex but there put away and out of sight and I been with my man fo 2 years but I feel that that is a part of my life and I will prob never let it go. But he has a pic of him and her up I really don't think that he's over her cause if he was he would prob put it away maybe not throw it away but sill take it down. Think about if you had a pic up over your bed that is prob the first thing you see every day when you get up and the last thing that you see befor you go to sleep what would that mean to you?

[arkhamsfinest]

I totally see your point, I mean, fair enough if he keeps it all in a box for trips down memory lane when he gets older - especially if they were together a long time - but I don't understand why he'd keep a painting of her hanging over his bed if he's over her.

[Asker]

He said he's not able to throw away presents from anybody, but he doesn't have to keep it up! She hasn't been to his place since they split so she wouldn't know if he took it down. What pisses me off is that he doesn't see my side of things! He said that she was never jealous of things he had from other exes and I should be more considerate like that.

[arkhamsfinest]

I agrre with what Room429 said to you.

I certainly couldn't be with someone who was like that

[Shlei3]

Honestly, it wouldn't bug me because they have a past together. Not only that but they are broken up. We all have memories whether they are tangent or not. If he hated her than it would be weird. I am good friends with some of my exes but under no way would I ever touch them in the way we once did. Don't let that insecurity get to you.

[lilprbabygrl]

i think that like he said its special to him and maybe he still cares about his ex. Do you know why and how they broke up. I think that if it makes you feel uncomfortable you should avoid going over their and he will eventually see it is a effect on the relationship. You guys have only been together for 2months so it is fairly a new relationship. He has to grow on you before you can request him to do anything. Try to win him over is all I can suggest and it will be difficult because you are filling a void he has.

[Littletad]

You have every right to voice your opinion on this, and his way of keeping it is a sign that he wants her in some capacity in his life. However, you do not have to put up with this. Keeping things that remind you of your ex, is a sign that you have not received closure.

[cstellar]

Since it looks like they were together for a while, I don't thnk it'd be weird for him to still have some of her things... But a painting above his bed is kinda freaky. I don't think you're wrong for wanting him to get rid of it, but since he's unable to, I think there's some problems there... I mean, I can understand him wanting to keep it since I guess it means a lot, but to still have it out means he's probably not over her. Meh. I think you should be wary of this guy.

[Reeses-pieces777]

personally find it uncomfortable, it's as if they haven't moved on imao and it's ok if they have one or two things...but I would be clearly offended if I saw a stash of his ex's panties or s/t lying around...

just tell him that you're uncomfortable. I don' think you're wrong, honestly I like I said above.

or tell him at least to move it so you don't see it.

[starletlocket]

Just give him some time. Sure it hurts but he still needs to get over it in his own time.