If your goal in life is to be the ultimate pretentious foodie, you must make any and all efforts to "educate" your friends and family on the true joys of food which they can't possibly ever hope to actually understand like you do. You, said foodie, have the ultimate appreciation for all things food, from the fried locusts you ate in Korea that one time, to the spicy roasted seasonal squash with feta and herbs you can only get at the organic market on a Tuesday before noon, to the incredibly expensive $3,600 a pound European white truffles you bought for yourself instead of paying rent that one time; it is your passion, nay, your duty in life, to ensure that EVERYONE around you knows it and how.
1. Insist everyone pronounce everything food related correctly all the time
Ho-ho, tut-tut! You haven't traveled the world sampling all of it's goods only to come back and have your friends mispronounce the dishes and drinks you lay out before them. It's Caipirinha, pronounced kai-pee-reen-ya. It's Haricot vert pronounced ah-ree-koh VEHR. It's Guanciale pronounced WAHN-chall-eh. Tell them, "you hear that eh sound at the end? Eh? Eh? No, no, try it again until you get it," you'll wait.
2. Be these people, all the time, every restaurant
3. Get everyone satchels of rare heirloom apple seeds for their birthday or Christmas
Oh your friends and family are going to love this one. I mean who cannot appreciate having to dig, water, fertilize, prune, spray for insects, fend of wildlife, and otherwise try to manage to get an entire tree to grow so it can produce apples some 3-6 years from planting if they do everything right. Greatest...gift...ever!
4. Do not allow the savages to touch anything on their plates until you've gotten at least 6 good angles, nay 7
That's right, one does not touch the plate of food until you've whipped out your cell phone, or better yet, your entire DSLR and handheld miniature soft light to get the best photos possible of the food that has arrived at your table. Do not fall prey to the whining of your fellow hungry diners. The food will never look this good ever again, and besides, how can you later do your typical 6 page review filled with obnoxious food puns, if the photo of the dish is blurry, or has your friends grubby hands in the shot? Like is he serious with those thumbs? Stop right now, and tell him to get his hands off the table so you can get an artsy shot of his lavender infused water glass with the waiter passing by behind it like totally bokeh.
5. Is is nutmeg?
No, maybe a hint of sage? No, rose water, it's got to be rose water. What is that hint of something in this dish? Does anyone know? Can anyone at the table guess? You simply can't keep eating until someone guesses it. This is your moment foodie, to sit at the table and hold everyone captive with your attention whore need to have everyone figure out what your secret ingredient is or what the chef's secret ingredient is even if it's literally written down on the menu or on the website or known to all of mankind that, you know, SALT, isn't exactly a King Tut's tomb secret. Do not let this go. If your friends and family try to change the subject or table it for later, bring it up in the car or over dessert, and make sure you drag out the words of your guesses for extra emphasis, like, "It must have been safffffffffff---ron."
6. Question everyone's taste and food knowledge on a supremely condescending level
Make belittling comments like, "people who eat hot dogs are like apes with loaded guns; it does not end well" Point out that children are the only ones who should ever so foolishly believe that there is such a thing as a "baby" carrot. Taste everything your friends cook for you, by wincing and sucking in air through your teeth like the very taste of it is rotting through to your soul. Say things that elevate you in your mind, like, "of course we were all eating that...four years ago....but this is 2017 darling. Time to move on."
7. Talk about the chef like you know him, know him
Well you know, I visited the three Michelin starred Araki in Tokyo last year with chef-owner Mitsuhiro Araki, but thankfully he's relocated to London for a fresh start and to take on new challenges. Isn't it wonderful? No more long flights when the food is right in our backyard, am I right?
8. Let the word "foodie" become your drinking game worthy catch phrase to all who have the pleasure of knowing you
As a foodie, I love food. I'm part of a club of other foodies who go on Foodie adventure tours throughout the city and country. Us foodies are a special breed. There are tiers of foodies. Noob foodies on up to seasoned foodie pros who give lectures on what it's like to be a foodie on their level. Did I mention...foodie.
9. Own THE most expensive kitchen and kitchen appliances, especially if you don't cook
$1200 blender, check! Industrial potato slicer not available for home kitchens, yes, got that one. Gold plated Crème brûlée torch, but of course. Bowls shaped like hollowed out footballs, absolutely. It's important you collect this expensive litter on a monthly basis so when someone comes over and ventures into your kitchen by total and complete accident of course (you had nothing to do with blocking off all other entrances, but the one to the kitchen, nothing at all) you can showcase your wares each individually lit by recessed museum style lighting of course. You don't need to cook, just know that you could if you wanted to, but you're not going to because that would ruin the pristine look of it all.
10. Describe every food dish with your entire knowledge of the Thesaurus
Every dish is foraged, toothsome, sumptuous, has the essence of, hand-selected, organic, composed or a duo-of, encrusted with, or something something in French that really just means it's fried or covered with cheese.
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