No One Loves Me and That's Okay

[PunkinPie]

There's a recording that plays over and over in my head: "No one loves me. and no one ever will." I have been trying to re-program my mental script, and part of that involves examining these thoughts. Is it really true that no one loves me? Why don't I have a boyfriend? Is it just because I'm overweight and too busy working and being a mom, or is there more to it?

One day I realized that there actually are guys who love me. I've turned down a couple of them, including my former HS boyfriend who routinely posts embarrassingly flattering comments on my Facebook posts. So it's not that no one loves me... it's that I don't love anyone. Wow!!! When I owned that, it was totally freeing.

When I really sat down and thought about it, I realized that for a variety of reasons I don't want anyone in my life right now. It would be so much work and I would feel an obligation to them which would crush me in light of my other current responsibilities. I don't want to let someone else down, especially after I saw OlderandWiser's Take about the woman he recently broke up with: I Closed A Chapter In My Life. I can really relate to this woman, who found herself unable to open up after being hurt deeply.

Last night I was at a bar and ran into a guy I know, who proceeded to give me a long lecture about how I should wear more revealing tops and have more confidence. He said, "I'm old and not in shape, but in my head, every woman in this room wants to sleep with me." I laughed and said, "Yeah, I know!"

The thing is, maybe revealing clothes would get me laid, but it won't change how I feel deep down. One day maybe I'll slog through the dating swamp again, but for now I don't need to go bar-hopping with the girlfriend who constantly tries to find guys and then tells me all her crazy stories about her encounters.

I'm learning to love my body. I'm learning to accept that my chin sags where it didn't before and there are lines around my neck. I still use firming cream, don't get me wrong, but I'm now looking at my appearance of middle age as one of accomplishment.

Hell, yes, I survived college and career and childbirth and marriage!

Hell, yes, I'm a mom and I take my son to the World of Harry Potter and to Star Wars Celebration! and we went to midnight showings of all the Hobbit movies because I love that stuff as much as he does (maybe more)

Hell, yes, I go out and dance like crazy BY MYSELF because I CAN

Hell, yes, I've got fat and I stress eat, but it's my body and in time I'll learn to overcome it but for now I'm just learning to love me for who I am

Even if I NEVER have a good relationship and am NEVER loved romantically again, I can still have a satisfying life. At one time the thought of being alone forever ate me alive, but now it's okay.

Disclaimer: I'll never be ALONE alone because my mom will need my help soon, and I'll move down to Florida to take care of her with the old people but I've even come to accept that. Once you give up your expectations and learn to take life as it comes ... which was an excruciatingly difficult place to reach... you find peace.

[coachTanthony]

Nice Take.. you do you boo... you do you! Let everyone else do them!

[Frosteh]

Men have a very deeply emotional reaction to the prospect of fathering kids who are not their own progeny, we've evolved to have that because men who didn't care were genetic dead ends and never passed on their behavioral traits, men who had reason to be discerning such as a feeling of disgust tended to be more cautious and be less likely to waste resources raising other men's children.

The reality of attraction is that body shape/size matters to men, we're visual animals, it displays markers of health and that matters because we want healthy children. The simple correlation here is that if you lose the weight you'll have a bigger pool of men interested in you.

And women reject men all the time who are interested, what you really mean to say is that you're not loved by anyone who meets your standards. You have to adjust your standards to be realistic given your circumstances, manage your own expectations otherwise you might find yourself being perpetually disappointed. We know that statistically women are not good judges of men, the OKCupid study/statistics showed that women judge 80% of men to be below average, which is impossible, but it shows how skewed their perception is.

[Lonerguy1234]

if women are just looking at pictures i guess it accurate. most people are average looking. if they knew how much money or how big they are down stairs they might judge otherwise

[Frosteh]

@Lonerguy1234 The data was from judgement of profile pictures. The point to take home is that it's not possible for 80% of men to be below average attractiveness, where the average is the mean average. The only thing that accounts for this is that women have skewed perceptions of what the average man looks like, their standards are very high. Which is what you'd expect because women tend to be more picky about sexual/intimate partners and that comes from evolutionary history as well.

Men actually have a very grounded view of women, our judgement of attractiveness fits the bell curve you'd expect where about 50% of women are above and below the average.

[Realworldweegee]

As a guy this is all I can tell you.
Some of us like a woman with a little more weight on her.
But there's a difference between, a little overweight, and obesity. I don't want to get romanticly or physically involved with someone not fit enough for it.
And I personally wouldn't date a woman with kids. Because I'm not ready to deal with a kid on that level that isn't actually my kid.
I know a lot of women will say "Well I'm not dating to find my kid a new dad."
And that's fine, although kinda stupid.
But the point is, that won't always be how you kid sees it.
So most guys won't take that risk. What if the kid likes the guy a lot, but things don't work out. That's not fair to the kid. And no morally sound man will risk it.

[PunkinPie]

Well lots of morally sound men I know are in relationships where one or both parties have kids from prior marriages, but they're also in their 40s or 50s. At your age, no, I wouldn't want someone else's kids either.

[PunkinPie]

I know I'm not in good shape for extended bedroom exercises so yeah... good point. Another reason to stay alone for now.

[FreedomByChoice]

trust me, most guys dont expect you to be like a super model in fact, a lot of guys dont even like that look in the first place as realworld explained.

[bellpepprs]

To be honest, I question the point of this article. If you know this yourself why speak it online? Not many people here are mothers that are overweight, so it's hard to find relatability in your words. I understand the self-encouragement but may I ask: was it worth your time to type this?

[FlorandFauna]

Uhm I liked it and there are moms and dads here.

[PunkinPie]

@FlorandFauna
1. I was hoping to encourage those who say there's no one for them because there actually always is SOMEONE, you're just screening out those you aren't interested in and probably not even realizing you're doing it
2. You don't have to be a parent to hate your body and feel overwhelmed. That just happens to be my thing. Yours could be school or sports or showing horses.
3. I just realized this recently
4. Grown ups are people too

[FlorandFauna]

I agree. And it's weird bc I used to think of grown ups as a completely diffrent species or something - since I couldn't relate to them. But in England I hung around with people aged 25-45 and I realized they are just like me - or I am just like them.

[PunkinPie]

@FlorandFauna Cool... I was always like that when I was younger, too. I always hung around with people older than me. Actually, I still do now that I think about it! :D

I replied to the wrong person, though. I meant to reply to the opinion owner.

[zagor]

Actually there are a number of moms here. I don't know what their weight situation is.

[MackFreeze]

Self hate won't go far. Love, believe, and support yourself. You seem to be getting in your own way. Love is infinite and there are 7billion people out there and counting. Don't give up on love or an relationship just because the current status quo isn't working out, you still have decades of life!

Hope but do not expect,
Look forward, but do not wait.

Respect yourself as well.

God Bless!

[Margillard]

Marriage is going the way of the dodo bird, no question.
www.foxnews.com/.../why-men-wont-marry.html

[shortguyloser]

You can't be incel if you are a woman, there always be a guy who likes you. But those guys who are ugly and average don't get any girls at all. What's the point of your mytake? Pissing off people who are real incels unlike you?

[PunkinPie]

? I don't know what you mean.

[PunkinPie]

What's "incel?"

[shortguyloser]

Involuntary celibate. It's a guy who is celibate against his will because he is not attractive enough.

[PunkinPie]

Oh. No, this is about realizing what you want and are able to handle. It's about being older and coming to terms with the fact that your only options are desperate, clingy guys. Even if I wanted to get back with my old HS boyfriend, he lives 500 miles away so the public flirting is pointless and so obvious that people have actually msged me asking who that weird guy is.

When you're very young things look and feel very different. However, I'm pretty sure there's an incel girl in your social circle who would go out with you if you asked her. There's always someone we're overlooking or discounting.

[Ceins]

Woman can be incel, it's not reserved to one sex only.

[shortguyloser]

@Ceins You need to be really ugly as a girl to be incel.

[PunkinPie]

Some are... or really socially awkward. Or mentally or physically handicapped. Just like guys.

The thing that burms me up is the male victimization attitude, like you're the only ones who suffer socially, ESPECIALLY as teenagers. Everyone suffers. I wouldn't go back to high school for a trillion dollars.

The irony is that you're just as blind to undesirable girls as you claim girls are to you. You don't even realize you're doing it.

[shortguyloser]

Yes, I used to be blind to them but now I regret this. Because now I am all alone and don't have a social circle.

[Ceins]

Exactly that, guys don't even notice when they do the same thing to girls, that they claim women do to them - ignore. Or goes with "yeah but she is ugly/overweight so she doesn't count" while complaining that girls don't want ugly guys.

[PunkinPie]

@Ceins Exactly

[MrMysteryMan]

People tend to forget that if you can't love yourself, how can you expect to love others? That's when you find the right people for you.

[404filenotfound]

And the best place to start is livin yourself, thanks for sharing!

[sedrftvgyhujik]

People dont have to want to be you boyfriend to love you / family and friends.

[NerdInDenial]

Hopefully, you're not overeating and binge eating daily. That is not a healthy habit.

[PunkinPie]

No, I don't binge.

[PunkinPie]

I graze. A little here, a little there.

[Toad-1]

Nice take... but I'm curious what an 'embarrassingly flattering comment' looks like

[PunkinPie]

The most recent was "What a hottie!!!" commenting on an unflattering photo of myself bundled up in polar fleece at work because the office A/C is 66 degrees.

[PunkinPie]

Keep in mind I'm very overweight

[Toad-1]

So you don't think it was genuine?

[PunkinPie]

It was genuine, but inappropriate in the context. If I had put up a selfie dressed up and smiling, ready to go out, maybe it would have been okay but even then... just kind of odd to blurt out. Especially for someone I haven't seen except twice in two years and hadn't seen for twenty years prior to that.

If he'd said, "You look nice" or "Polar fleece suits you" that would have been okay.

[Toad-1]

Ehhh I don't see that as a bad compliment in my opinion

[PunkinPie]

I guess the point is that's something a current boyfriend would do to flirt, and everyone would know we were in a relationship. So in that case, it's okay to be a little cheesy.

But we're not dating, haven't since we were 18, and my friends have no idea who this random guy is and whether he's harassing me or just socially awkward.

[Toad-1]

I guess...

[PunkinPie]

I told him point-blank that I'm not interested in getting together. He needs to just stop trying.

[Pizzalover101]

Ok just try to be the healthy happy you an black ginseng helps burn excess weight the best

[disgustingweebtrash]

No one loves me either

[ayylamo]

We're on a different level of no-love though. OP has experienced love, started a family, and is still able to receive love but chooses not to because as her weight went up as her standards did too.

Meanwhile I've never kissed a girl or had a girlfriend and it's not because "I'm waiting for the one". It's because there aren't any willing female participants. At all.. and I've given up.

[PunkinPie]

@ayylamo Actually, I didn't have love. I had something I thought was love but was actually codependency and abuse. I was never loved by my dad and I married the first guy who asked after a courtship of only a couple of months because I was in my twenties and desperate. We were both Christians and virgins and lust kept us from I can like a mature grown ups.

I endured 15 years of hell because Christians don't get divorced. So if someone asks me if I'd ever been loved I would say no. I've never had any dating relationships that lasted more than a month or two. I honestly believe that I'm not a woman that inspires genuine love from men. I think it's too late for me now because dating past 40 sucks. Men assume I'm desperate for sex and just try to use me. It's disgusting.

I know that's different from being really young and never having a relationship at all. I totally get that. I'm just saying just because someone does have one don't assume it's a good one.

[pretty-kitty]

Great, thanks for sharing

[ArabianPwincess197]

I believe there is someone out there for everyone

[KaranSharma55]

I personally think everyone has its sole mate

[PunkinPie]

I used to think that. Now I am older and wiser.

[KaranSharma55]

I don't think you are old and wiser.. let me clarify.

1. Someone isn't 'old' until he/she believes they are (you are if you believe you are older).
2. wiser you meant that you didn't find one or you don't believe on this now.. but if you haven't found your sole mater it doesn't matter there is no one. He is there but its you not identifying him

[PunkinPie]

First of all, I'm definitely seeing my age appearing in the mirror and also in my energy level so yes, I'm older than I was when I believed in soul mates.

Secondly, I am surely wiser. The man I believed was my soulmate when I was young wanted nothing to do with me after we broke up. He actually went off to be a missionary in another country. I prayed and prayed for him to come back and obviously he didn't. So I was wrong.

The next man I thought was my soulmate was my husband and while I still think it's possible that we were meant to be together, he chose to act in a way that I could not be married to him anymore. So in that case my soulmate rejected me.

What I really believe now is that all of us have many possible true loves. There isn't just one chance and if you missed it you're out of luck. We all probably have a dozen people in the world who could potentially be a fulfilling, long lasting love. The important thing is to work on yourself and be ready when that person comes.

[KaranSharma55]

well you shown agreement with my point in your last para :D "We all probably have a dozen people in the world who could potentially be a fulfilling, long lasting love"

and yeah again even if you are 60 years old but you act and believe you are a young then you are a young person

[PunkinPie]

Well "sole" means "one" so I'm confused now.

[KaranSharma55]

don't be confused m'am.. "sole" have its correct meaning but what I meant by that.. one person one time

[PunkinPie]

Okay, well I don't believe that. I think many people are your potential loves

[KaranSharma55]

yeah possible

[yulbsari]

No true love without self-love...

[abundantlyrich]

Are you looking for dan ackroyd

[John_Doesnt]

Isn't that the guy from Sparta 300?

[PunkinPie]

Haha... no.

[PunkinPie]

I just realized you're prolly too young to recognize Mel Gibson in Braveheart.

[Dog19]

Being pregnant sounds horrible